(no subject)
Dear Gloria Jean's Customers:
We appreciate your patronage. Really. Most of you are quite pleasant and we are happy to serve you. You understand the concept of small, medium and large and do not stare at us blankly when we don't use the words tall, grande or venti. You understand that we serve chillers and not frappuccino's. You recognize that a caramel macchiato is not listed on our menu and therefore do not ask us to make one.
For those select few, however, that don't seem to comprehend this, I have only this to say.
WE ARE NOT. FUCKING. STARBUCKS.
Contrary to popular belief, there are other coffee companies out there. You would think that you would recognize this by the fact that unlike Starbucks, we do not wear green, and the Gloria Jean's logo is emblazoned very clearly on our aprons, shirtsleeves and the back wall. But no, some of you are apparently unable to pay attention to your surrounding, assume you are in a Starbucks, and ask for Starbucks drinks in Starbucks lingo.
Now, lucky for you, most of us are versed in Starbucks lingo so we know what you are talking about. Unluckily for you, we do not serve Starbucks sizes, although everything else in the world generally comes in small, medium and large, so why you stare at us like we're talking in Russian makes no sense to me. Also, it would be very considerate of you to actually look at the menu before you order, because if you did, you might notice that nowhere on the goddamn menu does it say 'caramel macchiato'. This is because we do not serve caramel fucking macchiatos.
Now, lucky for you, we can make what basically amounts to a caramel macchiato. However when we ask you if you want a Starbucks macchiato, and you stare at us blankly, and then we proceed to tell you what the difference between a Starbucks macchiato and a real macchiato is*, and you ask for the real macchiato, you should not be surprised when what you want is not what you get. This is because, contrary to what your tiny little brain may believe, Starbucks did not invent the macchiato. And just because you think that a real macchiato is what you get at Starbucks doesn't mean it is. You should have figured this out when we explained it to. But you didn't. Because to you, Starbucks is synonymous with the birth of coffee. Coffee did not exist before Starbucks, and coffee cannot continue to exist without Starbucks. Any place that serves coffee must be a Starbucks, because to have it be otherwise would be blasahemey against the One True Creator of Coffee.
Except for the part where Starbucks did not invent coffee, and did not invent the macchiato, and does not make a true macchiato. Therefore when you hand the drink back to us and complain that this is not a caramel macchiato, you should thank your lucky stars that if I acted on my true feelings toward you I would get fired, because otherwise, I would throw your goddamn macchiato at your stupid fucking head.
Because really, you deserve it.
*A real macchiato is espresso with a little bit of foam on top. For those of you who have had the caramel macchiato, I'm sure you can see what the difference is. So why people are too dumb to figure this out when we explain it to them, I don't know. It makes want to cry a little.
Also, blog update. Which features the same rant, a bulgar wheat recipe, and the golden rule I use to determine whether or not something is qualified as a healthy carb.
We appreciate your patronage. Really. Most of you are quite pleasant and we are happy to serve you. You understand the concept of small, medium and large and do not stare at us blankly when we don't use the words tall, grande or venti. You understand that we serve chillers and not frappuccino's. You recognize that a caramel macchiato is not listed on our menu and therefore do not ask us to make one.
For those select few, however, that don't seem to comprehend this, I have only this to say.
WE ARE NOT. FUCKING. STARBUCKS.
Contrary to popular belief, there are other coffee companies out there. You would think that you would recognize this by the fact that unlike Starbucks, we do not wear green, and the Gloria Jean's logo is emblazoned very clearly on our aprons, shirtsleeves and the back wall. But no, some of you are apparently unable to pay attention to your surrounding, assume you are in a Starbucks, and ask for Starbucks drinks in Starbucks lingo.
Now, lucky for you, most of us are versed in Starbucks lingo so we know what you are talking about. Unluckily for you, we do not serve Starbucks sizes, although everything else in the world generally comes in small, medium and large, so why you stare at us like we're talking in Russian makes no sense to me. Also, it would be very considerate of you to actually look at the menu before you order, because if you did, you might notice that nowhere on the goddamn menu does it say 'caramel macchiato'. This is because we do not serve caramel fucking macchiatos.
Now, lucky for you, we can make what basically amounts to a caramel macchiato. However when we ask you if you want a Starbucks macchiato, and you stare at us blankly, and then we proceed to tell you what the difference between a Starbucks macchiato and a real macchiato is*, and you ask for the real macchiato, you should not be surprised when what you want is not what you get. This is because, contrary to what your tiny little brain may believe, Starbucks did not invent the macchiato. And just because you think that a real macchiato is what you get at Starbucks doesn't mean it is. You should have figured this out when we explained it to. But you didn't. Because to you, Starbucks is synonymous with the birth of coffee. Coffee did not exist before Starbucks, and coffee cannot continue to exist without Starbucks. Any place that serves coffee must be a Starbucks, because to have it be otherwise would be blasahemey against the One True Creator of Coffee.
Except for the part where Starbucks did not invent coffee, and did not invent the macchiato, and does not make a true macchiato. Therefore when you hand the drink back to us and complain that this is not a caramel macchiato, you should thank your lucky stars that if I acted on my true feelings toward you I would get fired, because otherwise, I would throw your goddamn macchiato at your stupid fucking head.
Because really, you deserve it.
*A real macchiato is espresso with a little bit of foam on top. For those of you who have had the caramel macchiato, I'm sure you can see what the difference is. So why people are too dumb to figure this out when we explain it to them, I don't know. It makes want to cry a little.
Also, blog update. Which features the same rant, a bulgar wheat recipe, and the golden rule I use to determine whether or not something is qualified as a healthy carb.