Lovers turn into monsters.
I'm looking through this journal that I kept when Adam and I first started getting close. I only kept for, like, 3 weeks, but some of the things I said in it really hit me tonight...
June 21st
"First impressions are kind of funny. I saw Adam the first day of 9th grade. I remember thinking that he was the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen in my lif and I couldn't take my eyes off him (literally- I must have stared at him as he walked away until I couldn't see him anymore). He was wearing the jean jacket his dad had given him, which he had covered with patches that he made and spikes that he had screwed in himself. His eyelashes are dark and thick and shiny and his smile made my hands kind of shake. We gave each other casual greetings once in a while over my freshman and sophomore years, but never really became friends. I went through several crushes and relationships that hopelessly fizzled and burned out. But that smile never stopped making my hands shake..."
June 22nd- 12:30PM
"...Adam is supposed to call me when he’s on his way over. Oh it’s a good feeling when I hear my phone ring his song, tangoing across electric lines. We’ll smoke a bowl out of my window and I’ll try to get him to kiss me again, but I don’t understand why he doesn’t know that I want to kiss him all of the time..."
2:23 PM
"Adam is made of ecstasy. We found this out a while ago when he was looking at a list of codenames of ecstasy and it said that rolls could sometimes be called adams. He said so matter-of-factly, “I wish I was made out of ecstasy.” Well the truth is that he is made out of ecstasy. I can smell it in his skin and taste it on his teeth...He stole a jean jacket from TCC today. He justified it, saying that he had seen it before he went into his appointment, came back half an hour later and it was still there looking lonely. I agreed that he should have taken it only because it looks perfect on him; it has lines and stitches and compliments every sunlit piece of his shoulders and chest and wrists..."
June 26th
"We went to Caitlin’s house and of course there was drama. I fucking can’t stand drama. It wasn’t too bad, just a few awkward moments, and I guess everybody eventually chilled out. In the kitchen Adam leaned into me with my back on the wall and kissed my forehead and put his hands on my hips. I kissed him and put my hands around his. And I notice that I smile most times that he looks at me. I don’t know if it means anything, it’s just something I noticed. Later when we were talking online, I told him to tell me a secret. He said, “I want to get you.” I replied, “Get me?” He said, “Yeah I wanted to get you into a room and kiss you all night.” I didn't say it, but if I had to tell a secret, it would be that all I usually ever want to do is kiss him, so I wouldn’t have minded at all..."
July 10th
"Adam’s ringtone was the first thing I heard today. It’s fairly appropriate because he’s usually the first thing I think about anyway. That’s kind of weird I guess, but I like how a lot of things are right now. I like how he and I are a lot. I’m not really nervous about what he thinks or what he does when I’m not around or anything like that. I just like to have his company and I guess he’s the best friend I have right now since Jennifer has been gone. Oh and he’s the prettiest boy I’ve ever met in my life..."
August 13th (the last part of the last entry)
"Adam finally asked me out. We’ve been together unofficially since sometime around April, I think. I always say since 4/20 because that’s the first actual date that I remember us being together on, but I know we had already been getting close before that even. I know we had both kind of been wondering if we were dating for a while and then Monday, we were at Lake Ella together and an acquaintance asked if we were together and we both kind of looked at each other, but neither of us said anything. Later when I was talking to him online, I brought it up and said that it was weird and he said he thought we might as well make it official.
It’s a lot different than I thought it would be. Well. I mean. It feels a lot different than six days ago before we were “official”. It’s much better. Now when he’s pouring a drink at Caitlin’s kitchen counter, I can come behind him and put my hand on his stomach or he can grab me and kiss my temple while we pass each other in the hallway. And I don’t think it’s anything except that I think he’s beautiful and I like being around him and I don’t think that there’s really anything more to want than that. He says he might be loving me, and it makes me wonder- "
Looking at those entries really made me think about things. Everything is so easy when it's new and you get butterflies everytime you look at each other. But after a while, after the newness and excitement died down, I got something even better- I got someone that truly cared about me and was always around to support me. I got someone that I could be completely comfortable with, someone that I trusted to see and touch my body. He wasn't the first to see or touch me, but he was the first one that I was able to be with without being uncomfortable or ashamed with the way I look.
But after you're together for a while, you get into stupid habits and start bickering over stupid things. The love is still there, sometimes it's just hard to feel it because you're too busy picking at each other.
And so when I was reading those journal entries, I realized how I take him for granted sometimes. I always said I didn't, but I guess I do. He's threatened to break up with me before, but this time was different. Tonight was when I realized that there's nothing making him stay. He could leave any time. I don't always treat him the way he deserves. Sometimes I give in to that stupid bickering instead of trying to smooth things over and have a good time. And I get upset and give him such a hard time for the smallest things.
So I guess tonight was a pretty good wake-up call. I have to be the person that I would stick around for. And I have to show people I love them instead of just saying it and then acting differently.
I'm tired and I want this day to be over. Tomorrow I have to say tell all of the truth and try to make everything work. I can't let things end up like this. If eventually we find that we just won't work, then that's okay, but I want to know that I gave everything I had to try to make things work. I'll never forgive myself if I lost someone that I love so much over something this stupid, something I could have helped.
June 21st
"First impressions are kind of funny. I saw Adam the first day of 9th grade. I remember thinking that he was the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen in my lif and I couldn't take my eyes off him (literally- I must have stared at him as he walked away until I couldn't see him anymore). He was wearing the jean jacket his dad had given him, which he had covered with patches that he made and spikes that he had screwed in himself. His eyelashes are dark and thick and shiny and his smile made my hands kind of shake. We gave each other casual greetings once in a while over my freshman and sophomore years, but never really became friends. I went through several crushes and relationships that hopelessly fizzled and burned out. But that smile never stopped making my hands shake..."
June 22nd- 12:30PM
"...Adam is supposed to call me when he’s on his way over. Oh it’s a good feeling when I hear my phone ring his song, tangoing across electric lines. We’ll smoke a bowl out of my window and I’ll try to get him to kiss me again, but I don’t understand why he doesn’t know that I want to kiss him all of the time..."
2:23 PM
"Adam is made of ecstasy. We found this out a while ago when he was looking at a list of codenames of ecstasy and it said that rolls could sometimes be called adams. He said so matter-of-factly, “I wish I was made out of ecstasy.” Well the truth is that he is made out of ecstasy. I can smell it in his skin and taste it on his teeth...He stole a jean jacket from TCC today. He justified it, saying that he had seen it before he went into his appointment, came back half an hour later and it was still there looking lonely. I agreed that he should have taken it only because it looks perfect on him; it has lines and stitches and compliments every sunlit piece of his shoulders and chest and wrists..."
June 26th
"We went to Caitlin’s house and of course there was drama. I fucking can’t stand drama. It wasn’t too bad, just a few awkward moments, and I guess everybody eventually chilled out. In the kitchen Adam leaned into me with my back on the wall and kissed my forehead and put his hands on my hips. I kissed him and put my hands around his. And I notice that I smile most times that he looks at me. I don’t know if it means anything, it’s just something I noticed. Later when we were talking online, I told him to tell me a secret. He said, “I want to get you.” I replied, “Get me?” He said, “Yeah I wanted to get you into a room and kiss you all night.” I didn't say it, but if I had to tell a secret, it would be that all I usually ever want to do is kiss him, so I wouldn’t have minded at all..."
July 10th
"Adam’s ringtone was the first thing I heard today. It’s fairly appropriate because he’s usually the first thing I think about anyway. That’s kind of weird I guess, but I like how a lot of things are right now. I like how he and I are a lot. I’m not really nervous about what he thinks or what he does when I’m not around or anything like that. I just like to have his company and I guess he’s the best friend I have right now since Jennifer has been gone. Oh and he’s the prettiest boy I’ve ever met in my life..."
August 13th (the last part of the last entry)
"Adam finally asked me out. We’ve been together unofficially since sometime around April, I think. I always say since 4/20 because that’s the first actual date that I remember us being together on, but I know we had already been getting close before that even. I know we had both kind of been wondering if we were dating for a while and then Monday, we were at Lake Ella together and an acquaintance asked if we were together and we both kind of looked at each other, but neither of us said anything. Later when I was talking to him online, I brought it up and said that it was weird and he said he thought we might as well make it official.
It’s a lot different than I thought it would be. Well. I mean. It feels a lot different than six days ago before we were “official”. It’s much better. Now when he’s pouring a drink at Caitlin’s kitchen counter, I can come behind him and put my hand on his stomach or he can grab me and kiss my temple while we pass each other in the hallway. And I don’t think it’s anything except that I think he’s beautiful and I like being around him and I don’t think that there’s really anything more to want than that. He says he might be loving me, and it makes me wonder- "
Looking at those entries really made me think about things. Everything is so easy when it's new and you get butterflies everytime you look at each other. But after a while, after the newness and excitement died down, I got something even better- I got someone that truly cared about me and was always around to support me. I got someone that I could be completely comfortable with, someone that I trusted to see and touch my body. He wasn't the first to see or touch me, but he was the first one that I was able to be with without being uncomfortable or ashamed with the way I look.
But after you're together for a while, you get into stupid habits and start bickering over stupid things. The love is still there, sometimes it's just hard to feel it because you're too busy picking at each other.
And so when I was reading those journal entries, I realized how I take him for granted sometimes. I always said I didn't, but I guess I do. He's threatened to break up with me before, but this time was different. Tonight was when I realized that there's nothing making him stay. He could leave any time. I don't always treat him the way he deserves. Sometimes I give in to that stupid bickering instead of trying to smooth things over and have a good time. And I get upset and give him such a hard time for the smallest things.
So I guess tonight was a pretty good wake-up call. I have to be the person that I would stick around for. And I have to show people I love them instead of just saying it and then acting differently.
I'm tired and I want this day to be over. Tomorrow I have to say tell all of the truth and try to make everything work. I can't let things end up like this. If eventually we find that we just won't work, then that's okay, but I want to know that I gave everything I had to try to make things work. I'll never forgive myself if I lost someone that I love so much over something this stupid, something I could have helped.