6 days
Six days until my birthday. I know "woo hoo", right? Sure. Woo hoo. But it's not really a big deal anymore. I can finally say I'm not 18. Big fucking deal. Birthdays are way overrated one you're like 13.
That's really it on that subject, I think Lacy and I are having a small birthday party on Saturday for me instead of going out and partying way too hard. Who knows.
I know Livejournals are supposed to be used to update people on life, and all the bullshit inane drama that ensues, but I don't really care. I don't really update much, because I figure the people who matter, and who need to know what goes on with me, are either there are I'll tell them about it. I'm seeing my use of Livejournal as a place for me to bitch when I need to, but I really don't do it. I don't really have a healthy release for my problems. I don't talk to people about them much, because I hate being a burden. I feel like if I complain to my parents, they'll just tell me that I need to be put on prozac, like my mother and sister, but I don't want that. I don't think I need it.
I'm generally a happy kid, but when things bother me, I let them pile up, and I don't deal with them when I should. They just kind of stew in my brain until something little happens and sends me over the edge. Unhealthy, I know, but what's a girl to do? I can't let myself be a bother, while at the same time, bottling everything up for later makes me look like a basket case when I call someone sobbing about all the stupid little shit that could have been dealt with a month ago.
Only a few weeks left in the semester, and in the mean time, I've got a lot to figure out. Am I indeed going to New York to see Ashley? It'd be fun, but at the same time, I need to get a job, and a car, so next year, I can live in an appartment and not have to freak out about not having money for rent. It's freakishly frustrating. I could stay in Crawfordsville with my grandma, or Lacy until her house gets sold, but there's so little work in Crawfordsville, I don't know if I could find a job there, especially with the high school kids able to work, both in the summer and through the year. Bloomington is always an option. An option that seems to make a lot of sense. I could live at home with my parents. I wouldn't have to worry about paying for food or laundry, I would just have to get my shit straightened out and in order. The downside to Bloomington, however, is that all of my friends will be two hours away. It's the same problem I've had since first semester when the 'rentals moved. Who really wants to spend two hours and a tank of gas driving from Crawfordsville to Bloomington to see me? I mean, shit, I can't get people to drive across Indy to come visit me, why should I think they'll come to Bloomington?
I guess the idea of this summer has been nagging me for a while now. I love my friends, and I want to see them, but the idea of not being able to support myself freaks me out. And with people moving all over the damn place, it's going to be even harder. Gwen, for example, is one of the two people here who actually understand me, and what I've been through. I love Gwen as much as I can love a friend. She's really the first real friend I made in college, and it's a bond I don't think I can ever break. Given the way things have been going since Spring Break, I've got a suspicion Gwen won't be coming back for the remainder of the semester. I'm usually a pretty selfless person, and I want everyone else to be happy, but god dammit, that makes me sad. I want her to be here. I know Gwen's getting better at home, though, and I have to keep focused on that. She's getting better. I don't know what I'm going to do without here around all the time, but I've been working on it. I can deal. LeeAnn's moving to Chicago next year to be with Paul and get a better education at Roosevelt, and that's amazing for her, I know she's going to be happier there, but again, I'm left to reason with the loss of another friend. Fuck. The boys (well, most of my boys) are graduating in May, and moving on to bigger and better things. Again, this freaks me out. Denis and Dickie are moving to Chicago, and Shannon is going too. Danny doesn't have a destination yet, but I have a feeling it won't be in Indiana for very long. These boys have been a crutial part of my sanity and social life for a long time, but I know that if my friendship with them is as awesome as I think and hope, that being apart for so long won't affect it.
All of my friends are people who don't belong in Indiana, Crawfordsville especially, and I think that is one of the things that brought us all together: knowing that we should be someone fantastic and enriching for our lives. Everyone slowly seems to be getting out, and while my family is in Bloomington, I feel like I'm going to be the only one left soon. I haven't figured out my master plan to get escape yet. I know being in college is definately the right path to be taking, but it takes too damn long. I'm ready to be out of Indiana, and to somewhere where I can find the people who, like me, had to get out, and find where they're supposed to be. Indianapolis isn't the place for me to do that.
Lately my father has been pushing that I live at home and go to IU. I've stood my ground firmly that I don't want to go to a big state school, that I'd be eaten alive there. The student body of IU is larger than the entire population of Crawfordsville, and that's freaky to me. I don't know if I could deal with it. 300 student lectures? No thank you. But at the same time, I know Bloomington will be much better for me than Indianapolis ever could, so the idea's finally stuck around. Maybe if I spend the summer in BLoomington (which seems highly likey now) I'll get a good feel for the campus, and concentrate on my core classes and transfer. Maybe I would be happier there. Who knows. I certainly don't. ::edit::
Also, it seems as though this summer also means a trip to Knoxville to see sir Stephen: lordofoverstock.livejournal.com which seems like it'll be fun. I'll get to meet the cat, see the apartment, basically get for real caught up on what I've heard about. This, of course, depends on schedules. I have to get a job and be certain I can get that time off and Stephen has to be free for sometime, but I'm not putting all my chips in on it yet. ::/edit::
I've been playing catch-up with a few people the past week or so, and that's been good. I, being pessimistic in my level of friendship with everyone, had begun to think I didn't matter anymore. Silly me, I should have realized that the people I really care about I can not talk to for a while and still be able to pick up where we left off when last we spoke. I love that about my friends. We never stop caring about eachother, we just... have other things that we need to do first. Chase and Marcela, you know what I mean, right?
I was on a roll for minute in my typing fury, but my dad just called and broke my train of thought. I think this should be a decent entry for a while. Seeing as I don't update much, those of you to whom I rarely speak, I hope you're caught up enough on my life.
That's really it on that subject, I think Lacy and I are having a small birthday party on Saturday for me instead of going out and partying way too hard. Who knows.
I know Livejournals are supposed to be used to update people on life, and all the bullshit inane drama that ensues, but I don't really care. I don't really update much, because I figure the people who matter, and who need to know what goes on with me, are either there are I'll tell them about it. I'm seeing my use of Livejournal as a place for me to bitch when I need to, but I really don't do it. I don't really have a healthy release for my problems. I don't talk to people about them much, because I hate being a burden. I feel like if I complain to my parents, they'll just tell me that I need to be put on prozac, like my mother and sister, but I don't want that. I don't think I need it.
I'm generally a happy kid, but when things bother me, I let them pile up, and I don't deal with them when I should. They just kind of stew in my brain until something little happens and sends me over the edge. Unhealthy, I know, but what's a girl to do? I can't let myself be a bother, while at the same time, bottling everything up for later makes me look like a basket case when I call someone sobbing about all the stupid little shit that could have been dealt with a month ago.
Only a few weeks left in the semester, and in the mean time, I've got a lot to figure out. Am I indeed going to New York to see Ashley? It'd be fun, but at the same time, I need to get a job, and a car, so next year, I can live in an appartment and not have to freak out about not having money for rent. It's freakishly frustrating. I could stay in Crawfordsville with my grandma, or Lacy until her house gets sold, but there's so little work in Crawfordsville, I don't know if I could find a job there, especially with the high school kids able to work, both in the summer and through the year. Bloomington is always an option. An option that seems to make a lot of sense. I could live at home with my parents. I wouldn't have to worry about paying for food or laundry, I would just have to get my shit straightened out and in order. The downside to Bloomington, however, is that all of my friends will be two hours away. It's the same problem I've had since first semester when the 'rentals moved. Who really wants to spend two hours and a tank of gas driving from Crawfordsville to Bloomington to see me? I mean, shit, I can't get people to drive across Indy to come visit me, why should I think they'll come to Bloomington?
I guess the idea of this summer has been nagging me for a while now. I love my friends, and I want to see them, but the idea of not being able to support myself freaks me out. And with people moving all over the damn place, it's going to be even harder. Gwen, for example, is one of the two people here who actually understand me, and what I've been through. I love Gwen as much as I can love a friend. She's really the first real friend I made in college, and it's a bond I don't think I can ever break. Given the way things have been going since Spring Break, I've got a suspicion Gwen won't be coming back for the remainder of the semester. I'm usually a pretty selfless person, and I want everyone else to be happy, but god dammit, that makes me sad. I want her to be here. I know Gwen's getting better at home, though, and I have to keep focused on that. She's getting better. I don't know what I'm going to do without here around all the time, but I've been working on it. I can deal. LeeAnn's moving to Chicago next year to be with Paul and get a better education at Roosevelt, and that's amazing for her, I know she's going to be happier there, but again, I'm left to reason with the loss of another friend. Fuck. The boys (well, most of my boys) are graduating in May, and moving on to bigger and better things. Again, this freaks me out. Denis and Dickie are moving to Chicago, and Shannon is going too. Danny doesn't have a destination yet, but I have a feeling it won't be in Indiana for very long. These boys have been a crutial part of my sanity and social life for a long time, but I know that if my friendship with them is as awesome as I think and hope, that being apart for so long won't affect it.
All of my friends are people who don't belong in Indiana, Crawfordsville especially, and I think that is one of the things that brought us all together: knowing that we should be someone fantastic and enriching for our lives. Everyone slowly seems to be getting out, and while my family is in Bloomington, I feel like I'm going to be the only one left soon. I haven't figured out my master plan to get escape yet. I know being in college is definately the right path to be taking, but it takes too damn long. I'm ready to be out of Indiana, and to somewhere where I can find the people who, like me, had to get out, and find where they're supposed to be. Indianapolis isn't the place for me to do that.
Lately my father has been pushing that I live at home and go to IU. I've stood my ground firmly that I don't want to go to a big state school, that I'd be eaten alive there. The student body of IU is larger than the entire population of Crawfordsville, and that's freaky to me. I don't know if I could deal with it. 300 student lectures? No thank you. But at the same time, I know Bloomington will be much better for me than Indianapolis ever could, so the idea's finally stuck around. Maybe if I spend the summer in BLoomington (which seems highly likey now) I'll get a good feel for the campus, and concentrate on my core classes and transfer. Maybe I would be happier there. Who knows. I certainly don't. ::edit::
Also, it seems as though this summer also means a trip to Knoxville to see sir Stephen: lordofoverstock.livejournal.com which seems like it'll be fun. I'll get to meet the cat, see the apartment, basically get for real caught up on what I've heard about. This, of course, depends on schedules. I have to get a job and be certain I can get that time off and Stephen has to be free for sometime, but I'm not putting all my chips in on it yet. ::/edit::
I've been playing catch-up with a few people the past week or so, and that's been good. I, being pessimistic in my level of friendship with everyone, had begun to think I didn't matter anymore. Silly me, I should have realized that the people I really care about I can not talk to for a while and still be able to pick up where we left off when last we spoke. I love that about my friends. We never stop caring about eachother, we just... have other things that we need to do first. Chase and Marcela, you know what I mean, right?
I was on a roll for minute in my typing fury, but my dad just called and broke my train of thought. I think this should be a decent entry for a while. Seeing as I don't update much, those of you to whom I rarely speak, I hope you're caught up enough on my life.