Second Chances (Chapter 29b)
Title: Second Chances
Author: VampireMadonna
Pairing: Main: YunJae; Secondary: JaeMin, HoMin
Rating: PG-13
Length: Chaptered
Summary: After Changmin's death, how are Jae and Yunho going to cope with their grief and their increasing attraction to each other?
Changmin turned towards the setting sun, gazing off into the distance for a minute before meeting Yunho’s eyes again.
“When we met, I told you that I knew who you were from high-school, right?”
Yunho nodded.
“Well, I wasn’t the only one. I kind of fudged on the timeline a bit, or omitted it altogether rather, so it’s not surprising that you didn’t notice. When we were twelve, Jae and I saw you at the basketball court one day after school. I spotted you first but he was just as intrigued by you as I was. You don’t know how handsome and larger-than-life you looked to us. After that, we kind of fell into the habit of…well, stalking you. Honestly, it became a hobby. We’d do it every day and Jae even made friends with some of the guys from your class to find out more about you. They couldn’t resist him, guy or girl, so it was like taking candy from a baby.”
Yunho could believe that, seeing as how he was one in a long line of many who’d lost their heads over him.
“One day, Jae didn’t seem much like himself and after school, he took me for ice-cream and then he said goodbye. He was leaving the very next day. I felt like my world was ending. I’d loved him for as long as I could remember - which wasn’t long considering we were only twelve - but most importantly, he was my BFF. We were a team, a unit, he was supposed to stay by my side forever: what was I going to do without him? That night, I had my first kiss. I’d thought about kissing Jae so many times but never thought it would actually happen. He always laughed when I told him I loved him. Naturally, when I got his package, the note and the photo album, I finally found out why.
I’m sure you saw that he encouraged me to talk to you, to become a part of your life instead of staying on the periphery.”
Yunho had actually forgotten about that, so incensed was he by the thought of Changmin and Jae having a secret love affair behind his back.
“Well, I didn’t take his advice but I did continue to keep tabs on you, even when you went into the army to complete your service. Whenever you came home for a day or two, I’d try to take a peek at you, to tide me over you know? After Jae left we never talked about you again so I never knew whether he’d gotten over you himself or he was still holding on like I was. Part of me always suspected that he might have done the same whenever he came back to S.K: reached out to mutual friends to find out what you were up to. We didn’t spend every second of every day together when he was here so he had a lot of opportunities.
When you and I met in college, it was completely accidental but I wondered if it wasn’t also fate. I mean, how could it be a coincidence that the guy I’d spent the past six years obsessing over just happened to hit me over the head with a ball? Surely it was a sign from above.”
He grinned cheekily and Yunho had to smile, remembering how worried he’d been for Changmin that day.
“Our relationship developed so quickly that it never even occurred to me to tell you the whole truth. I guess I was a little embarrassed by it too. It’s not something you want to admit to, drooling and masturbing over some guy who didn’t even know you existed. Looking back, I think part of me didn’t want you to know.”
He stopped and looked at Yunho seriously.
“I’ve realized a lot of things about myself the past few months, things I never would have admitted had things gone differently. I loved you for so long, you were the sun in my world, and I was deliriously happy that, somehow, you loved me back. Then I got sick and…well, you know what happened.
I didn’t see it at first, when he came back, and I wonder now how I could have been so blind. Jae’s never been one to hide his feelings but he doesn’t flaunt them either. I always wondered how it was possible that he never found anyone in America. He’s intelligent, he’s the kindest person I know, and he’s downright beautiful. It boggles the mind. And then I realized: he never got over you. All these years, he’s stood by me, watched us build a life together with every intention of being together for the rest of our lives and not once did he give even a hint of how he felt.
I asked myself how I could not know something so important about my best friend… And then I admitted that, just as with you, I didn’t want to know either. Had I been honest with myself earlier, it would’ve made it all the more real and everything would have changed. Jae is my best friend but haven’t you wondered why, prior to my last stay in the hospital, he’s never stayed with us? We’d been living in our house for a year but not once did I invite him to visit. Whenever he came to Korea, he stayed with his family. Hell, he even stayed at my parents’ house. Didn’t that strike you as odd?”
Yunho shook his head, completely oblivious about where Changmin was going.
“It’s like some unconscious part of me knew that I had to keep the two of you apart. Jae was a threat to my very happiness and I couldn’t allow him to ruin the fantasy I had built.”
“What are you saying?” Yunho asked, utterly lost and confused. Changmin was making no sense whatsoever.
“I’m saying that I knew, deep down, that if Jae ever came into your life, he would ruin mine. I’ve seen you two together, Yun. There’s something there that’s so powerful, so strong, I don’t think either of you could resist it no matter how hard you tried. Luckily, you didn’t try that hard at all,” he said wryly.
Yunho shook his head. “You’re not making sense. We…You and I, we were happy.”
“And had I lived I have no doubt we would have remained so. We’ve never been with anyone else. We are all we know. We have a lot in common, we complement each other, it’s easy to be together. Always has been. But you and Jae have sparks and fireworks, a passion that we never had.”
“I loved you,” Yunho began, looking wretched.
“And I loved you too. Wholeheartedly. Even now I can honestly say that there’s nothing and no one in the world I want more than you.” Changmin cocked his head to the side. “You can’t say the same, though, can you?”
Yunho wanted to deny it, to say that Min was the only man he would ever love or want, but if he did, he knew he’d be lying so instead, he said nothing.
“I thought so,” Min said with a nod. “I guess it’s kind of a sad story when you think about it. Two best friends, falling in love with the same person. Only one can have him. I think I always knew that if you got to know him, you’d fall for him. If he hadn’t gone away and you’d eventually met us both, you wouldn’t have spared me a thought.”
“That’s not true,” Yunho insisted.
Changmin ignored him and continued. “It was fortuitous that Jae went away when he did. Even though it was brief, I got to have you to myself. I wouldn’t change that for the world. But I believe everything happens for a reason and my dying was the only way that Jae would ever get to be happy and find love. He would never have given in to his feelings for you so long as I remained in the picture. Even if we’d broken up somewhere down the road, he’s too much of a stand-up guy to pursue his best friend’s ex-husband. He would’ve stayed alone for the rest of his life. I truly believe that.
Most people believe in soulmates, that one person who completes us. Our other halves, as it were. Someone once told me that we don’t just have one one - the one - but several. I guess it’s true because you see people getting married, divorced and remarried and they’re just as happy if not happier than they were the first time around. I think…I was one of your ones but not the one. Jae…”
The look in his eyes said it all.
“When I look at you with Jae… You’re so happy. Not just being with him but in general. There’s a peacefulness about you, a calm, like all is right in the world. I couldn’t help but compare our life together with your life with Jae and as similar as it is, it’s also startlingly different. You and I were two mellow guys with similar interests, right down to our professions. We’ve never had any conflict. Do you realize we’ve never actually fought? I wonder if we wouldn’t have grown tired of each other in the end. Too much alikeness, you know? There needs to be some contrast in personalities to keep things interesting. Jae excites you in a way that I never did. He’s different from anything you’ve ever experienced, I’m sure, and you like it.
Most importantly, what I noticed is how lonely our life was. It was just us: you and me. We had no friends that we hung out with often and we saw our families but rarely ever together and only infrequently. You would blow off your parents’ Sunday dinners to stay home with me and we’d just end up working or watching a movie, things we could’ve done any day of the week. But Jae…he changed all that. He brought your family back into your life. Or rather, he brought you back to your family. You’ve always been a family oriented guy and I see now that you sacrificed that for me. I never asked you to but you did it anyway and I simply took it for granted that you were doing so because you wanted to. He even integrated himself into your family in a way that I never could. Also… We never really talked about children but I know how much you love and wanted them. I would’ve done whatever it took to make you happy but being a father was never my personal dream. Not really. Jae, on the other hand… Well, you’ve seen him with HyunJoon. He’s a natural. He’ll make a great father one day.
I guess what I’m trying to say, Yunho, is that we had our time and it was wonderful. It’s nothing either of us will ever forget but it’s in the past and you need to leave it there.”
“Don’t you love me?” Yunho asked abruptly.
“With all my heart,” Changmin replied bluntly. “I’ll never love anyone else, naturally. I am dead after all.” He grinned.
Yunho’s face hardened. “That’s not funny.”
Changmin’s smile fell. “No…but it’s the truth. And it’s not a situation that either of us can change. I love you Yunho, and I know you love me and part of you always will, but you love Jaejoong too. This is what God or whoever has planned for you. By fighting it, you’re only hurting yourself. And Jae. And it’s painful to watch, I have to say.”
“I can’t be with him. It wouldn’t be right. How can I live with him in our house? The house that I built for you.”
Changmin smirked. “Funny thing about that house: it wasn’t me who designed it. Jae and I designed it together when we were kids, so it’s just as much his as it is mine.” His eyes hardened. “Being with him wouldn’t be right, you say. Is being miserable any better? I thought by putting Jae “in charge” of you, I was helping but it seemed that I needn’t have bothered. It was written in the stars long before my eyes finally opened to the truth. Now you either embrace it or you walk away. But if you let him go, Yunho, you may never get another chance. Not just with him but with anyone. I don’t want that for you, for either of you. Don’t let my death be in vain.”
Yunho shook his head. “You can’t do that to me.”
Changmin cocked a brow. “What? Prey on your guilt? Isn’t that what you’re doing to yourself? You do love me, I have no doubt, but you’re using it, using me, as an excuse. Do you know what’s really keeping you from being with Jae? Fear. You’re afraid, Yunho. It’s natural, given the situation, but I never took you for a coward. Makes me wonder if the man I thought I married ever truly existed.”
“I loved you and you left me,” Yunho said accusingly. “If I…if he…”
Changmin’s gaze was tender, filled with understanding. “There are no guarantees in life, Yunho. Like I said before, it’s entirely possible that our love could’ve dwindled into something far less intense or romantic and we might have ended up going our separate ways anyway. At least this way, it ended when things were still good. I consider that a blessing of sorts, you should too.”
Yunho wiped his face with his sleeve. He was exhausted, bone-weary. He stared at Changmin for a full minute before speaking again.
“What do you want from me?” he finally asked.
Changmin smiled widely. “I want you to live, be happy. Set your mind on whatever it is your heart desires and go after it. Life is short, even when it’s not, so don’t waste what little time you have.”
Yunho dropped his gaze to the rich, brown earth at Changmin’s feet. Life and death in the same instant.
“Do you think he’ll take me back?” he whispered.
Like that even bears asking, Changmin thought. “Well… He might make you beg, grovel and kiss his pretty pink feet,” he teased, “but… I think your chances are good.”
Yunho sighed, rubbing the tiredness out of his eyes. “I guess you would know.” He paused for a moment, pondering whether to ask what was burning the tip of his tongue. He decided to give in. “Did you still love him? Before…”
Changmin shrugged, smile firmly in place. “It’s hard to say. I guess you never truly stop loving your first love, especially if they continue to be an important part of your life. And Jae being Jae… Yes, I did. Kind of hard not to, as you’ve found out for yourself.”
Yunho smiled slightly, just a quick twist of the lips. “Indeed.”
Silence fell between them, neither one knowing what to say now.
As tired as he was, Yunho felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. Changmin had essentially given him permission to feel what he’d been feeling all this time and that was what he’d needed all along. He could let go of his role as husband - at least Changmin’s husband - without the guilt associated with moving on. It would still bother him to some degree, how quickly it had happened, but he couldn’t deny that Jae made him feel things Min never had. Everything was much more intense with Jae around. Everything inside him screamed for Jaejoong and if he didn’t get to him soon, he might very well find himself joining Changmin on the other side.
Changmin came closer, reached out a hand to his and for a second, Yunho could’ve sworn he felt the heat from his palm.
“You should get going,” Min said. “It’s not safe to be out here at night.”
“Will I ever see you again?”
Changmin grinned. “Someday. I’m sure of it. But for now…you have work to do. Get to it.”
Yunho nodded. “Goodbye Min.”
“Goodbye Yunnie…”
Yunho started to walk away when Changmin called his name. He turned and looked back.
“You’d better leave that here,” he said, gesturing to the bottle of scotch Yunho had forgotten he still held. “Just in case, you never know. And I’m sure the night-watchman would appreciate it.”
Yunho walked back to the grave and set the bottle down. As he did so, his eyes fell to a vase of flowers, clearly wilted a long time ago, and a framed photograph of him and Changmin from their wedding.
Jaejoong.
He had been there before, Yunho was sure of it. He hadn’t seen the photograph when he’d first arrived, then again he’d been tipsy and bawling his eyes out so it wasn’t all that surprising.
“Yunho.”
He glanced over his shoulder at Changmin.
Smiling, Changmin turned and gestured in the direction of the cemetery gates.
Dropping his eyes to the photo one last time, Yunho stood and turned his back on the past, slowly making his way down the path that would lead him to his new life.
Yunho let himself into the house, his movements slow as if he’d aged, not noticing that the door was unlocked or that the foyer light, which he hadn’t turned on before he left, was now shining brightly overhead.
The drive from the cemetery felt like the longest he’d ever taken. He’d felt rejuvenated when he’d left Changmin but on the way home, doubts and fears ate at him. What if Jaejoong didn’t forgive him? He’d fucked things up royally and he’d said and done things he couldn’t possibly take back. If Jaejoong refused to give him the time of day or, God forbid, had moved on, he didn’t know what he would do. He wouldn’t and couldn’t blame him, not at all, but his life would officially be over. Again. He’d already lost Min, he really didn’t think he could bear losing Jaejoong too. Not before he’d ever really had him.
“Where the hell have you been?”
Yunho’s eyes raised to the source of the sharp voice, widening in surprise when he saw EunHye sitting on the staircase next to the box and its contents, which he’d left askew.
He didn’t know why but in that moment, it all came rushing back, crashing down on him with a force that he couldn’t weather. His eyes blurred and before he knew it, he was kneeling at his sister’s feet, burying his head in her breast as the evidence of the pain he’d kept locked inside poured onto her blouse.
Startled, EunHye could do nothing but wrap her arms around her brother, gently stroking his back as sobs wracked his frame.
“Yunho? What’s wrong honey?” she asked softly.
It seriously freaked her out. She hadn’t seen Yunho like that since he was a boy. Whenever something was troubling him, he’d keep it inside until his little heart couldn’t hold anymore and then and only then would he come to her. He’s crawl into bed beside her, put his head over her heart and sometimes he’d cry, sometimes he wouldn’t, but he’d never tell her anything until she wrapped her arms around him and held him tight, like she was now.
“Sweetie?”
“I fucked up so bad,” he cried. “I don’t know if he’ll forgive me. It might be too late.”
“Yunho… What are you talking about?”
“I thought I was doing the right thing. How could I love him when Min had only just died? What kind of horrible person am I, to fall in love with my dead husband’s best friend?”
Ahh…
“Life just happens like that sometimes, it’s not your fault Yunho. It’s no one’s fault.”
“I just thought that if I fought it, it would go away but when it didn’t, I sent him away. It hurt so bad,” he sobbed. “I wanted to die. If I was dead, it wouldn’t hurt anymore.”
“Don’t say that,” EunHye said frantically, becoming more concerned. Had Yunho finally snapped?
“It seemed like everyone wanted me to forget him, to move on, and I had all these feelings so it made it worse. Why wasn’t anyone missing Min? Not even me.”
EunHye gasped. Is that what Yunho really thought? “Baby, we love Changmin. We all miss him so much. But when you were with him…it was like you two were in your own little world. You were isolated from the rest of the family. No one wanted Min to die but when Jae came…he brought you back to us. And you were so happy, after all those months of pain and misery. How could we not be grateful to him?”
It was the same thing Changmin had said, Yunho realized. He’d never noticed it but apparently others had.
“But then, I went to the cemetery and he told me that it was okay,” he continued, as if she hadn’t spoken. “I didn’t have to feel bad about the way I felt. He wants me to be happy.”
“Who, sweetie? Who wants you to be happy?”
“But it might be too late now. He might not forgive me.”
EunHye was still confused as hell but she was pretty sure that the “he” Yunho was talking about in this instance was Jaejoong.
“Of course he’ll forgive you. He loves you so much. He’s just giving you space to sort yourself out. Whenever you’re ready, he’s right there, waiting for you to come to him.”
Yunho pulled back and looked into her eyes, tears still streaming down his face. “Really?”
EunHye nodded, wiping Yunho’s cheeks with gentle fingers. “As soon as you’re ready.”
“Did he say that?”
Not in so many words. She nodded again. “Yes. He loves you so very much. You just have to go to him.”
Yunho burrowed into her bosom again, hiccupping as his tears stemmed. When he was contained enough to face her again, he sat back on his heels and wiped his face.
Clearing his throat, he asked, “What are you doing here?”
EunHye lifted a hand and gently tucked an errant lock of hair behind his ear. “I came to see you, actually. To give you an ultimatum.”
“An ultimatum?”
She nodded. “Either you bring Jaejoong back or I disown your ass. For good!” She grinned sheepishly. “Seems you beat me to the punch, though...”
Yunho shook his head in amazement. Only his sister would throw away her own little brother for a guy she wasn’t even romantically interested in. Such was Jaejoong’s power over people, he supposed.
“Ahh! Speaking of which… I have something for you.” She picked up her purse from the step behind her and produced an envelope. “It’s a ticket. One-way to New York.”
“One-way?” Yunho asked curiously.
“You can’t come back without him so you may as well just stay there if you fail. And if by some miracle he does forgive your undeserving ass, you’ll both have to buy tickets anyway,” she said reasonably.
“Undeserving? But you said he loved me.”
“Yeah, well… There’s no accounting for taste, is there?”
Yunho chuckled. His sister sure had a unique way of looking at things.
EunHye raised a hand and tenderly stroked his cheek. “Are you okay now?”
Yunho nodded silently.
EunHye’s hand dropped. “Good. Now get your ass up and start making preparations. Your flight leaves in two days, that’s more than enough time for you to do whatever you may need to do at the office. I’ll look after the house while you’re gone.”
Yunho threw her a skeptical glance.
“What? It’s not like you have any plants to water or fish for me to feed.”
Rolling his eyes, Yunho climbed to his feet. He stood there a moment, looking down at his sister and finding her to be at her most beautiful in that moment. She reminded him of their mother, which was the highest compliment he could ever give her since he loved their mother more than life itself. And that was also why he kept it to himself. Her head was big enough as it was.
Instead, he said, “Thank you.”
“What are noonas for?” EunHye stood as well. “Just make sure you don’t come back without our boy. I’m very serious about the disowning thing.”
Yunho smiled and nodded. “Understood.”
“And Yunho?”
He raised a brow. “Mmm?”
“Do me a favor and take a bath. You reek.”
Oh, his sister… You just had to love her.
Author: VampireMadonna
Pairing: Main: YunJae; Secondary: JaeMin, HoMin
Rating: PG-13
Length: Chaptered
Summary: After Changmin's death, how are Jae and Yunho going to cope with their grief and their increasing attraction to each other?
Changmin turned towards the setting sun, gazing off into the distance for a minute before meeting Yunho’s eyes again.
“When we met, I told you that I knew who you were from high-school, right?”
Yunho nodded.
“Well, I wasn’t the only one. I kind of fudged on the timeline a bit, or omitted it altogether rather, so it’s not surprising that you didn’t notice. When we were twelve, Jae and I saw you at the basketball court one day after school. I spotted you first but he was just as intrigued by you as I was. You don’t know how handsome and larger-than-life you looked to us. After that, we kind of fell into the habit of…well, stalking you. Honestly, it became a hobby. We’d do it every day and Jae even made friends with some of the guys from your class to find out more about you. They couldn’t resist him, guy or girl, so it was like taking candy from a baby.”
Yunho could believe that, seeing as how he was one in a long line of many who’d lost their heads over him.
“One day, Jae didn’t seem much like himself and after school, he took me for ice-cream and then he said goodbye. He was leaving the very next day. I felt like my world was ending. I’d loved him for as long as I could remember - which wasn’t long considering we were only twelve - but most importantly, he was my BFF. We were a team, a unit, he was supposed to stay by my side forever: what was I going to do without him? That night, I had my first kiss. I’d thought about kissing Jae so many times but never thought it would actually happen. He always laughed when I told him I loved him. Naturally, when I got his package, the note and the photo album, I finally found out why.
I’m sure you saw that he encouraged me to talk to you, to become a part of your life instead of staying on the periphery.”
Yunho had actually forgotten about that, so incensed was he by the thought of Changmin and Jae having a secret love affair behind his back.
“Well, I didn’t take his advice but I did continue to keep tabs on you, even when you went into the army to complete your service. Whenever you came home for a day or two, I’d try to take a peek at you, to tide me over you know? After Jae left we never talked about you again so I never knew whether he’d gotten over you himself or he was still holding on like I was. Part of me always suspected that he might have done the same whenever he came back to S.K: reached out to mutual friends to find out what you were up to. We didn’t spend every second of every day together when he was here so he had a lot of opportunities.
When you and I met in college, it was completely accidental but I wondered if it wasn’t also fate. I mean, how could it be a coincidence that the guy I’d spent the past six years obsessing over just happened to hit me over the head with a ball? Surely it was a sign from above.”
He grinned cheekily and Yunho had to smile, remembering how worried he’d been for Changmin that day.
“Our relationship developed so quickly that it never even occurred to me to tell you the whole truth. I guess I was a little embarrassed by it too. It’s not something you want to admit to, drooling and masturbing over some guy who didn’t even know you existed. Looking back, I think part of me didn’t want you to know.”
He stopped and looked at Yunho seriously.
“I’ve realized a lot of things about myself the past few months, things I never would have admitted had things gone differently. I loved you for so long, you were the sun in my world, and I was deliriously happy that, somehow, you loved me back. Then I got sick and…well, you know what happened.
I didn’t see it at first, when he came back, and I wonder now how I could have been so blind. Jae’s never been one to hide his feelings but he doesn’t flaunt them either. I always wondered how it was possible that he never found anyone in America. He’s intelligent, he’s the kindest person I know, and he’s downright beautiful. It boggles the mind. And then I realized: he never got over you. All these years, he’s stood by me, watched us build a life together with every intention of being together for the rest of our lives and not once did he give even a hint of how he felt.
I asked myself how I could not know something so important about my best friend… And then I admitted that, just as with you, I didn’t want to know either. Had I been honest with myself earlier, it would’ve made it all the more real and everything would have changed. Jae is my best friend but haven’t you wondered why, prior to my last stay in the hospital, he’s never stayed with us? We’d been living in our house for a year but not once did I invite him to visit. Whenever he came to Korea, he stayed with his family. Hell, he even stayed at my parents’ house. Didn’t that strike you as odd?”
Yunho shook his head, completely oblivious about where Changmin was going.
“It’s like some unconscious part of me knew that I had to keep the two of you apart. Jae was a threat to my very happiness and I couldn’t allow him to ruin the fantasy I had built.”
“What are you saying?” Yunho asked, utterly lost and confused. Changmin was making no sense whatsoever.
“I’m saying that I knew, deep down, that if Jae ever came into your life, he would ruin mine. I’ve seen you two together, Yun. There’s something there that’s so powerful, so strong, I don’t think either of you could resist it no matter how hard you tried. Luckily, you didn’t try that hard at all,” he said wryly.
Yunho shook his head. “You’re not making sense. We…You and I, we were happy.”
“And had I lived I have no doubt we would have remained so. We’ve never been with anyone else. We are all we know. We have a lot in common, we complement each other, it’s easy to be together. Always has been. But you and Jae have sparks and fireworks, a passion that we never had.”
“I loved you,” Yunho began, looking wretched.
“And I loved you too. Wholeheartedly. Even now I can honestly say that there’s nothing and no one in the world I want more than you.” Changmin cocked his head to the side. “You can’t say the same, though, can you?”
Yunho wanted to deny it, to say that Min was the only man he would ever love or want, but if he did, he knew he’d be lying so instead, he said nothing.
“I thought so,” Min said with a nod. “I guess it’s kind of a sad story when you think about it. Two best friends, falling in love with the same person. Only one can have him. I think I always knew that if you got to know him, you’d fall for him. If he hadn’t gone away and you’d eventually met us both, you wouldn’t have spared me a thought.”
“That’s not true,” Yunho insisted.
Changmin ignored him and continued. “It was fortuitous that Jae went away when he did. Even though it was brief, I got to have you to myself. I wouldn’t change that for the world. But I believe everything happens for a reason and my dying was the only way that Jae would ever get to be happy and find love. He would never have given in to his feelings for you so long as I remained in the picture. Even if we’d broken up somewhere down the road, he’s too much of a stand-up guy to pursue his best friend’s ex-husband. He would’ve stayed alone for the rest of his life. I truly believe that.
Most people believe in soulmates, that one person who completes us. Our other halves, as it were. Someone once told me that we don’t just have one one - the one - but several. I guess it’s true because you see people getting married, divorced and remarried and they’re just as happy if not happier than they were the first time around. I think…I was one of your ones but not the one. Jae…”
The look in his eyes said it all.
“When I look at you with Jae… You’re so happy. Not just being with him but in general. There’s a peacefulness about you, a calm, like all is right in the world. I couldn’t help but compare our life together with your life with Jae and as similar as it is, it’s also startlingly different. You and I were two mellow guys with similar interests, right down to our professions. We’ve never had any conflict. Do you realize we’ve never actually fought? I wonder if we wouldn’t have grown tired of each other in the end. Too much alikeness, you know? There needs to be some contrast in personalities to keep things interesting. Jae excites you in a way that I never did. He’s different from anything you’ve ever experienced, I’m sure, and you like it.
Most importantly, what I noticed is how lonely our life was. It was just us: you and me. We had no friends that we hung out with often and we saw our families but rarely ever together and only infrequently. You would blow off your parents’ Sunday dinners to stay home with me and we’d just end up working or watching a movie, things we could’ve done any day of the week. But Jae…he changed all that. He brought your family back into your life. Or rather, he brought you back to your family. You’ve always been a family oriented guy and I see now that you sacrificed that for me. I never asked you to but you did it anyway and I simply took it for granted that you were doing so because you wanted to. He even integrated himself into your family in a way that I never could. Also… We never really talked about children but I know how much you love and wanted them. I would’ve done whatever it took to make you happy but being a father was never my personal dream. Not really. Jae, on the other hand… Well, you’ve seen him with HyunJoon. He’s a natural. He’ll make a great father one day.
I guess what I’m trying to say, Yunho, is that we had our time and it was wonderful. It’s nothing either of us will ever forget but it’s in the past and you need to leave it there.”
“Don’t you love me?” Yunho asked abruptly.
“With all my heart,” Changmin replied bluntly. “I’ll never love anyone else, naturally. I am dead after all.” He grinned.
Yunho’s face hardened. “That’s not funny.”
Changmin’s smile fell. “No…but it’s the truth. And it’s not a situation that either of us can change. I love you Yunho, and I know you love me and part of you always will, but you love Jaejoong too. This is what God or whoever has planned for you. By fighting it, you’re only hurting yourself. And Jae. And it’s painful to watch, I have to say.”
“I can’t be with him. It wouldn’t be right. How can I live with him in our house? The house that I built for you.”
Changmin smirked. “Funny thing about that house: it wasn’t me who designed it. Jae and I designed it together when we were kids, so it’s just as much his as it is mine.” His eyes hardened. “Being with him wouldn’t be right, you say. Is being miserable any better? I thought by putting Jae “in charge” of you, I was helping but it seemed that I needn’t have bothered. It was written in the stars long before my eyes finally opened to the truth. Now you either embrace it or you walk away. But if you let him go, Yunho, you may never get another chance. Not just with him but with anyone. I don’t want that for you, for either of you. Don’t let my death be in vain.”
Yunho shook his head. “You can’t do that to me.”
Changmin cocked a brow. “What? Prey on your guilt? Isn’t that what you’re doing to yourself? You do love me, I have no doubt, but you’re using it, using me, as an excuse. Do you know what’s really keeping you from being with Jae? Fear. You’re afraid, Yunho. It’s natural, given the situation, but I never took you for a coward. Makes me wonder if the man I thought I married ever truly existed.”
“I loved you and you left me,” Yunho said accusingly. “If I…if he…”
Changmin’s gaze was tender, filled with understanding. “There are no guarantees in life, Yunho. Like I said before, it’s entirely possible that our love could’ve dwindled into something far less intense or romantic and we might have ended up going our separate ways anyway. At least this way, it ended when things were still good. I consider that a blessing of sorts, you should too.”
Yunho wiped his face with his sleeve. He was exhausted, bone-weary. He stared at Changmin for a full minute before speaking again.
“What do you want from me?” he finally asked.
Changmin smiled widely. “I want you to live, be happy. Set your mind on whatever it is your heart desires and go after it. Life is short, even when it’s not, so don’t waste what little time you have.”
Yunho dropped his gaze to the rich, brown earth at Changmin’s feet. Life and death in the same instant.
“Do you think he’ll take me back?” he whispered.
Like that even bears asking, Changmin thought. “Well… He might make you beg, grovel and kiss his pretty pink feet,” he teased, “but… I think your chances are good.”
Yunho sighed, rubbing the tiredness out of his eyes. “I guess you would know.” He paused for a moment, pondering whether to ask what was burning the tip of his tongue. He decided to give in. “Did you still love him? Before…”
Changmin shrugged, smile firmly in place. “It’s hard to say. I guess you never truly stop loving your first love, especially if they continue to be an important part of your life. And Jae being Jae… Yes, I did. Kind of hard not to, as you’ve found out for yourself.”
Yunho smiled slightly, just a quick twist of the lips. “Indeed.”
Silence fell between them, neither one knowing what to say now.
As tired as he was, Yunho felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. Changmin had essentially given him permission to feel what he’d been feeling all this time and that was what he’d needed all along. He could let go of his role as husband - at least Changmin’s husband - without the guilt associated with moving on. It would still bother him to some degree, how quickly it had happened, but he couldn’t deny that Jae made him feel things Min never had. Everything was much more intense with Jae around. Everything inside him screamed for Jaejoong and if he didn’t get to him soon, he might very well find himself joining Changmin on the other side.
Changmin came closer, reached out a hand to his and for a second, Yunho could’ve sworn he felt the heat from his palm.
“You should get going,” Min said. “It’s not safe to be out here at night.”
“Will I ever see you again?”
Changmin grinned. “Someday. I’m sure of it. But for now…you have work to do. Get to it.”
Yunho nodded. “Goodbye Min.”
“Goodbye Yunnie…”
Yunho started to walk away when Changmin called his name. He turned and looked back.
“You’d better leave that here,” he said, gesturing to the bottle of scotch Yunho had forgotten he still held. “Just in case, you never know. And I’m sure the night-watchman would appreciate it.”
Yunho walked back to the grave and set the bottle down. As he did so, his eyes fell to a vase of flowers, clearly wilted a long time ago, and a framed photograph of him and Changmin from their wedding.
Jaejoong.
He had been there before, Yunho was sure of it. He hadn’t seen the photograph when he’d first arrived, then again he’d been tipsy and bawling his eyes out so it wasn’t all that surprising.
“Yunho.”
He glanced over his shoulder at Changmin.
Smiling, Changmin turned and gestured in the direction of the cemetery gates.
Dropping his eyes to the photo one last time, Yunho stood and turned his back on the past, slowly making his way down the path that would lead him to his new life.
Yunho let himself into the house, his movements slow as if he’d aged, not noticing that the door was unlocked or that the foyer light, which he hadn’t turned on before he left, was now shining brightly overhead.
The drive from the cemetery felt like the longest he’d ever taken. He’d felt rejuvenated when he’d left Changmin but on the way home, doubts and fears ate at him. What if Jaejoong didn’t forgive him? He’d fucked things up royally and he’d said and done things he couldn’t possibly take back. If Jaejoong refused to give him the time of day or, God forbid, had moved on, he didn’t know what he would do. He wouldn’t and couldn’t blame him, not at all, but his life would officially be over. Again. He’d already lost Min, he really didn’t think he could bear losing Jaejoong too. Not before he’d ever really had him.
“Where the hell have you been?”
Yunho’s eyes raised to the source of the sharp voice, widening in surprise when he saw EunHye sitting on the staircase next to the box and its contents, which he’d left askew.
He didn’t know why but in that moment, it all came rushing back, crashing down on him with a force that he couldn’t weather. His eyes blurred and before he knew it, he was kneeling at his sister’s feet, burying his head in her breast as the evidence of the pain he’d kept locked inside poured onto her blouse.
Startled, EunHye could do nothing but wrap her arms around her brother, gently stroking his back as sobs wracked his frame.
“Yunho? What’s wrong honey?” she asked softly.
It seriously freaked her out. She hadn’t seen Yunho like that since he was a boy. Whenever something was troubling him, he’d keep it inside until his little heart couldn’t hold anymore and then and only then would he come to her. He’s crawl into bed beside her, put his head over her heart and sometimes he’d cry, sometimes he wouldn’t, but he’d never tell her anything until she wrapped her arms around him and held him tight, like she was now.
“Sweetie?”
“I fucked up so bad,” he cried. “I don’t know if he’ll forgive me. It might be too late.”
“Yunho… What are you talking about?”
“I thought I was doing the right thing. How could I love him when Min had only just died? What kind of horrible person am I, to fall in love with my dead husband’s best friend?”
Ahh…
“Life just happens like that sometimes, it’s not your fault Yunho. It’s no one’s fault.”
“I just thought that if I fought it, it would go away but when it didn’t, I sent him away. It hurt so bad,” he sobbed. “I wanted to die. If I was dead, it wouldn’t hurt anymore.”
“Don’t say that,” EunHye said frantically, becoming more concerned. Had Yunho finally snapped?
“It seemed like everyone wanted me to forget him, to move on, and I had all these feelings so it made it worse. Why wasn’t anyone missing Min? Not even me.”
EunHye gasped. Is that what Yunho really thought? “Baby, we love Changmin. We all miss him so much. But when you were with him…it was like you two were in your own little world. You were isolated from the rest of the family. No one wanted Min to die but when Jae came…he brought you back to us. And you were so happy, after all those months of pain and misery. How could we not be grateful to him?”
It was the same thing Changmin had said, Yunho realized. He’d never noticed it but apparently others had.
“But then, I went to the cemetery and he told me that it was okay,” he continued, as if she hadn’t spoken. “I didn’t have to feel bad about the way I felt. He wants me to be happy.”
“Who, sweetie? Who wants you to be happy?”
“But it might be too late now. He might not forgive me.”
EunHye was still confused as hell but she was pretty sure that the “he” Yunho was talking about in this instance was Jaejoong.
“Of course he’ll forgive you. He loves you so much. He’s just giving you space to sort yourself out. Whenever you’re ready, he’s right there, waiting for you to come to him.”
Yunho pulled back and looked into her eyes, tears still streaming down his face. “Really?”
EunHye nodded, wiping Yunho’s cheeks with gentle fingers. “As soon as you’re ready.”
“Did he say that?”
Not in so many words. She nodded again. “Yes. He loves you so very much. You just have to go to him.”
Yunho burrowed into her bosom again, hiccupping as his tears stemmed. When he was contained enough to face her again, he sat back on his heels and wiped his face.
Clearing his throat, he asked, “What are you doing here?”
EunHye lifted a hand and gently tucked an errant lock of hair behind his ear. “I came to see you, actually. To give you an ultimatum.”
“An ultimatum?”
She nodded. “Either you bring Jaejoong back or I disown your ass. For good!” She grinned sheepishly. “Seems you beat me to the punch, though...”
Yunho shook his head in amazement. Only his sister would throw away her own little brother for a guy she wasn’t even romantically interested in. Such was Jaejoong’s power over people, he supposed.
“Ahh! Speaking of which… I have something for you.” She picked up her purse from the step behind her and produced an envelope. “It’s a ticket. One-way to New York.”
“One-way?” Yunho asked curiously.
“You can’t come back without him so you may as well just stay there if you fail. And if by some miracle he does forgive your undeserving ass, you’ll both have to buy tickets anyway,” she said reasonably.
“Undeserving? But you said he loved me.”
“Yeah, well… There’s no accounting for taste, is there?”
Yunho chuckled. His sister sure had a unique way of looking at things.
EunHye raised a hand and tenderly stroked his cheek. “Are you okay now?”
Yunho nodded silently.
EunHye’s hand dropped. “Good. Now get your ass up and start making preparations. Your flight leaves in two days, that’s more than enough time for you to do whatever you may need to do at the office. I’ll look after the house while you’re gone.”
Yunho threw her a skeptical glance.
“What? It’s not like you have any plants to water or fish for me to feed.”
Rolling his eyes, Yunho climbed to his feet. He stood there a moment, looking down at his sister and finding her to be at her most beautiful in that moment. She reminded him of their mother, which was the highest compliment he could ever give her since he loved their mother more than life itself. And that was also why he kept it to himself. Her head was big enough as it was.
Instead, he said, “Thank you.”
“What are noonas for?” EunHye stood as well. “Just make sure you don’t come back without our boy. I’m very serious about the disowning thing.”
Yunho smiled and nodded. “Understood.”
“And Yunho?”
He raised a brow. “Mmm?”
“Do me a favor and take a bath. You reek.”
Oh, his sister… You just had to love her.