Second Chances (Chapter 29a)
Title: Second Chances
Author: VampireMadonna
Pairing: Main: YunJae; Secondary: JaeMin, HoMin
Rating: PG-13
Length: Chaptered
Summary: After Changmin's death, how are Jae and Yunho going to cope with their grief and their increasing attraction to each other?
Yunho fought for air, his heart thumping wildly in his chest, skin dotted with beads of perspiration.
How could he have been so blind? All that time it was right there, staring him in the face, but he hadn’t seen it. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to see it. Just look at what had become of his life once he’d had no choice but to acknowledge it. The “honeymoon” would’ve ended long before it did if he had. Those three little words had indeed turned his world upside down.
Jaejoong loved him. He’d loved him for a long time but Yunho had been blinded to it, willfully so, until it slapped him in the face and he could no longer pretend it didn’t exist.
But he’d done the right thing, he was sure of it. He loved Changmin. He cared about Jaejoong but it wasn’t fair to keep him hanging on when he couldn’t give him what he wanted. He was still mourning his beloved husband.
Wasn’t he?
Yunho jumped up and headed straight for the fridge, pulling out a can of beer. He popped it open and drank the entire thing is huge, greedy gulps. Tossing it aside, he grabbed the rest of the six-pack and carried it back to the staircase, popping another one open as he sat back down. He took a fortifying sip and picked up the offensive photo again.
So perfect, he thought, unsure of whether he was referring to the picture it presented or Jaejoong. Could have been both, he supposed.
On instinct, he turned it over.
New beginning.
“What the fuck does that mean?” he asked aloud, momentarily surprised by the sound of his own voice. He didn’t know why he sounded so angry but he realized it was also how he felt.
Changmin had written it, he recognized his handwriting, but what the hell did he mean by it?
Setting the photo aside, he picked up the album again, selecing random photos and reading the backs. Their was something written on each one and by the time he got through them, he was highly irritated.
Picture perfect. Life goes on. Memories of better days. The future awaits.
What had Changmin been thinking when he’d written those captions? It was like…like he’d been saying goodbye long before he’d actually left. Like he didn’t care. Or rather, he seemed to look forward to the ones he left behind continuing to live their lives without him in it. Didn’t he think they’d miss him? That there’d be a hole in their hearts where he had been? Didn’t he know Yunho’s life ended when his had?
“Perhaps not,” he muttered, remembering that dreadful day in the hospital when he’d been prepared to do whatever it took to save Min…and Jaejoong showed up with the DNR Min had prepared.
He angrily set the album aside, emptied his can of beer and cracked open a fresh one. Delving into the box again, he pulled out another photo album, this one from their college years. He briefly flipped through it, feeling a pang of sadness at the reminder of all the good times they’d shared, but he didn’t linger. Setting that aside as well, he dug to the bottom of the box, pushing aside mementos from trips they’d gone on, and came upon something hard. He felt around for an edge and finally found one, pulling it out and spilling half the contents of the box in the process.
It was a gift box. Prettily wrapped with a crushed bow on top.
Frowning, he lifted the lid and gasped at the first thing that greeted him.
Beautiful…
Lifting the framed photograph, he had no doubt about who it was. Jaejoong looked exactly the same, then and now. He was much smaller at the time, maybe about ten or eleven, but his striking features hadn’t changed at all and he’d known how to work the camera even at such a tender age.
Unable to put the photograph down for some inexplicable reason, he set his beer can beside him on the step instead and picked up the remaining contents of the box.
Another photo album.
Flipping the cover, he found himself staring down at a picture of Changmin. He was in his uniform in line at what he recognized to be the school cafeteria. He’d been a cute kid, kind of gangly and awkward at that stage, growing into his too-tall body.
The picture was a candid shot, he wasn’t even looking directly at the camera. A few pages down, he realized that all of the photos were like that: guerilla style. Whoever had taken them had done so without Min’s knowledge.
When he got to the back of the album, he saw a piece of paper pinned to the cover by a paperclip. Unfolding it without removing it, he read:
“Minnie, I’m sorry for doing this to you. I know you’re probably hurting and I would spare you that if I could but… I can’t. I just wanted to say that you were the best friend a fool like me could ever hope for and I love you. I LOVE you, Changmin. I always have.”
Yunho frowned, confusion etched in every line of his face.
What the hell was this about?
“I know I acted cool and dismissive when you told me you loved me but deep inside, I was far from calm. I know I may seem confident and self-assured but I’m not. I have more self-esteem issues than most people probably do. Everyone gushes over my looks but no one takes the time to look beneath the surface. No one but you. You were the only one that knew me and you loved me anyway. I guess I felt that if I ever admitted my feelings you might change your mind or one day find someone better. We’re so young, I couldn’t be sure that what you felt was love. I never wanted to lose you, Minnie, so I played it safe. There are times when I’ve regretted it but most of the time I was sure I’d made the right decision. As I sit here writing this, I’m not so certain. I keep thinking that I never got to walk with you while holding your hand, never took you on a date officially, never got to kiss you… Now as I prepare to leave, I’m filled with regrets. I don’t think I made the right decision, Min, so don’t ever make my mistakes. If you like Yunho, then become a part of his world. We couldn’t possibly have stalked him forever so don’t waste more time. Go out into the world and live.
I don’t know what else to say. “I’ll miss you” seems so inadequate but I will. But until you find your one true love, take care of my heart, Minnie, for I’ve left it with you.”
Yunho gasped and re-read the last line.
“Take care of my heart, Minnie, for I’ve left it with you.”
What was going on? Changmin had told him that he’d never loved anyone before him but if what he read was true, then that had been a lie. Granted, if the pictures were any indication, he had been really young so it was probably nothing more than puppy love but then…why would he lie?
Slipping the paper loose to turn it over, his eyes fell on what was hidden behind the letter…and found more than he’d been looking for.
Jae.
The smile on his face was so pure, and sweet, and honest…as sincere as the heart he was making with his small, pretty hands.
Finally, everything clicked into place.
Before Changmin had been in love with him, he’d loved Jae. They’d loved each other.
But why would they keep that from him? It was so long ago that…
Unless…unless it wasn’t.
He rifled through his memory bank, more details coming together to present a bigger picture.
Min had told him that when they were twelve, Jae moved away. He glanced down at the photo album, then swung his gaze to the letter and re-read it.
This was Jae’s goodbye to Min, he realized. He’d returned his feelings but had been too scared to admit it so he’d let any chance they’d had of being together slip by. They’d stayed friends afterward, close as ever, but knowing what he did now, Yunho had to wonder if it had been merely platonic. Was that the reason they hadn’t told him? Did they still have feelings for one another? Changmin was his first and he’d assumed he was Changmin’s first because he’d said he’d never been with anyone other than Yunho. He supposed it was his own fault for making that mistake. “Being with” and “having feelings for” were two completely different things.
He knocked back his beer and jumped to his feet, pacing the foyer. Tons of questions swam in his head. If his history with Jaejoong was just that, why had Changmin kept it from him? Did he think he would’ve been upset? Paranoid? Or was it not history? Were there still feelings between them?
He thought about Jaejoong, how he’d given himself to him wholeheartedly, and shook his head. No… There were none on Jae’s side but it didn’t necessarily mean that Min hadn’t still harbored some. And Jaejoong had been the one he’d entrusted his final wishes to.
Not Yunho.
Not his husband.
He raked an impatient hand through his hair and started to reach for his beer.
No. He needed something stronger.
Changing direction, he strode over to the wet-bar, grabbed a bottle of scotch and poured himself a double. The burn that spread through him was welcome. At least, in that moment, he understood why his chest hurt. Forcibly taking a calming breath, he rationalized with himself.
He was probably making a big deal out of nothing. They’d been kids: it was just first love, puppy love. Just because he hadn’t experienced it himself didn’t mean he couldn’t understand that. There was no way the love between two children could compare to the love between adults. Right?
Nodding to himself, he forged on.
And, maybe they hadn’t told him because there was nothing to tell. They had probably forgotten. He’d seen them together, hadn’t he? They were no more than friends. Close friends, on a level he’d never before seen with anyone else, but friends nonetheless. Changmin loved him. He was his husband. Jae was just Min’s friend. His brother.
“Yes,” he said out loud, his confidence growing.
But then…
Jae loved him too.
He thought about the photo. If what he’d seen on Jae’s face had been real - and how could it not be when he’d beeing staring into it for the past six months? - then he’d loved him even before Min died. But how was that even possible? They had only just started to become friends at that point. Jae couldn’t possibly have loved him already. Could he?
He paused for a minute.
If Jae had loved him prior to Min’s death, when exactly had that love begun? They’d never spent an extraordinary amount of time together, not until Min got sick, and even then Min had always been around. Whatever alone time they’d had had been fleeting, surely not enough for Jaejoong to fall in love with him.
Confused and growing increasingly irritated because of it, he passed a frustrated hand over his face.
Something was missing. Some little detail, some event, was the key to this whole mystery but it was being kept from him. He felt like he was going crazy. Part of him still thought that he was making a mountain out of a molehill, that there was nothing to know: everything was as he had ever thought that it was. But the pictures, the notes, he couldn’t explain those away. They were proof of something that he had been purposely kept ignorant about.
If only there was someone I could ask…
Jaejoong was gone so he was not an option.
I certainly made sure of that, he thought sardonically.
EunHye…hated his guts. If he came to her for anything that wasn’t life or death, and maybe even then depending on her mood, she’d slam the door in his face. Or laugh in it, neither of which he particularly wanted to experience.
“If only there was a way I could talk to Min,” he mumbled.
Sighing, he returned to the bar, bypassed his glass and went straight for the bottle, drinking deeply, ignoring the dribble that spilled out of the corners of his mouth. When he felt sufficiently numb, he placed the bottle back on the counter - still keeping hold of its neck - and wiped his lips.
If only there was a way I could talk to Min…
And then it hit him. He could talk to Changmin! He could go to his grave right now.
It occurred to him that he’d never visited Changmin’s final resting place, not since that day so long ago when he’d watched them lower his husband’s coffin into the ground and felt like his world had upended into the hole with it.
He’d failed Changmin. He’d failed Jaejoong, his family, everyone.
But that could change, he decided. He would start now.
Dragging the bottle of scotch along, he walked back the way he’d come - not noticing that he tilted to the left a little as he did so - and grabbed his car keys.
He was a man on a mission now and he would get some answers, one way or another.
[DISCLAIMER: I do not advocate drunk driving!]
Yunho felt his mood grow increasingly darker as he walked through the cemetery. It wasn’t dark yet but neither was the sun high overhead. He glanced up at the horizon, where it was just dipping into its bed for the night, and found the hues of orange and gold as a backdrop to something so desolate and still to be eerily beautiful. A chill crawled up his spine. Thankfully, Changmin wasn’t buried too far in and he soon spotted his grave.
His steps slowed as he approached, eyes glued to the headstone.
Such a short life, he thought, his chest suddenly feeling heavy. He’d had a promising future ahead of him, they’d had a happy and long life together awaiting them, but fate had cruelly ripped it from their hands. It just wasn’t fair.
When he reached the grave, his legs unexpectedly gave way and he fell to his knees. He was overcome by a sudden surge of emotion. His heart was in a vice and the life was being squeezed out of it. He crawled onto the grave and leaned against the headstone. Wiping the tears he hadn’t realized were streaming down his cheeks, he took a swig of scotch, closed his eyes and rested his cheek against the cold, smooth surface of the headstone. He raised a hand and lovingly stroked the engraved letters marking Changmin’s name.
He felt closer to him and it soothed him somehow, but he was also gripped by pain, the intensity of which he hadn’t felt since the funeral.
“Why did you leave me?” he whispered, his voice breaking. “Why didn’t you let me save you?”
His sobs echoed loudly in the dense silence that surrounded him but he didn’t notice. He curled in on himself, hugging the bottle of scotch, and cried, swept up in a hurricane of pent-up emotions that he had no control over.
“What are you doing?”
Yunho heard the voice as if from a distance. The sound of his sobs reverberated in his head but still, he heard it. And when he did, his heart all but stopped. Not because someone had caught him weeping but because of the voice.
He knew that voice.
Turning his head slightly towards it, his eyes fell on a pair of feet and slowly traveled up a long, lean body.
He gasped.
Changmin smiled. “Hello, Yunho.”
Yunho stared, unblinking, disbelieving what he was seeing. It was impossible. There was no way that Changmin was there, standing less than ten feet away from him.
He continued to gaze wordlessly up at his husband, his brain only half-functioning. He looked…he looked good. He looked like he used to, healthy and happy. He knew he was happy because he was smiling. A sweet smile, a kind smile. He’d missed that smile.
His eyes traveled from Changmin’s head to his feet and back again, still unable to accept what he was seeing. He realized then that Changmin wasn’t exactly the same. He thought about all the movies he’d seen where ghosts were transparent and a person could pass his or her hand through them. His fingers flexed unconsciously as he repressed the urge to do the same.
What was different about Min now was that although he wasn’t transparent, he wasn’t exactly solid either. His corporeal form was unlike anything he’d ever seen, not even in all the sci-fi movies he’d watched. It was like…he was somewhere in between. That was the only way Yunho could describe it.
“Are you real?” Yunho finally asked. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “Maybe I’m seeing things.” He had drank a lot, he thought. Strangely, though, he felt 100% sober now. Any effect of the alcohol he’d imbibed had drained away when he saw Min standing there. Seeing an apparition of your dead husband could do that to you, he supposed.
“About 65%, I’d say,” Changmin joked.
Yunho looked up at him and when he merely continued to stare, Changmin sighed deeply.
“What are you doing here, Yunnie?” he repeated.
Yunho blinked. “I missed you. I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you since…since…”
Changmin shook his head. “I don’t mean here. I mean why are you in South Korea? You shouldn’t be here. You know that.”
Yunho flushed. “I know I haven’t visited you but I meant to, it’s just that…”
Yunho broke off as the implications of Changmin’s words finally registered.
Raising wide eyes to Changmin’s, he exclaimed, “You saw us?!”
Changmin nodded.
“So you’ve been here all this time?”
“Sort of.”
“Why didn’t you appear to me before?”
Changmin shrugged. “I couldn’t. I would have if I could’ve but I had no control over it.”
Yunho frowned. “What do you mean?”
Changmin shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. Yunho…”
“Are you okay there…where you are? Is it…scary?”
Changmin smiled. “It’s okay… I’m not in pain at least. And no, it’s not scary.”
“Did you…” Yunho licked his lips nervously. “Did you see…everything?”
Changmin knew exactly what he meant. Shaking his head again, he said, “No. I had no control over what I could see or when. It was like…watching a movie but with someone else controlling the remote. I could only see bits and pieces every now and again but it was enough to give me an idea of what was going on.”
Hot color rushed into Yunho’s cheeks and he dropped his gaze to Changmin’s feet. “I’m so sorry…”
“Yunho…”
“I’ve failed you as a husband. I’ve broken my vows.” He felt his tears returning. “I was so confused. I let things…happen that should never have. I hurt so many people. It just got out of hand.”
“Yunho…”
“I love you so much,” he whispered, tear-filled eyes meeting Changmin’s once again.
“But you love him too,” Changmin said simply.
Yunho shook his head, absolute horror written on his face. “No…”
“You love him.”
“I can’t.” He shrank back against the headstone. “I can’t.”
“Yunho…”
“I can’t!” he cried. “I married you. I love you. He…I can’t.”
Changmin was positive that if he could feel anything bad, his heart would be breaking for his husband. He made a miserable picture, sitting there clinging to his headstone.
“Yunho… I’m dead. I’m dead and I’m never coming back. But you’re alive. You have so much life left to live. You have a new beginning ahead of you.”
“Stop saying that!” Yunho jumped to his feet and squared off against Changmin, a light flow of tears still making tracks down his cheeks even as his body reverberated with anger. “Stop forcing me to forget you, stop forcing me to be with him. New beginnings and second chances… Why do people keep telling me these things?!”
“Because it’s true,” Changmin said firmly. “You can’t grieve for the rest of your life. You’re only twenty-nine years old, you have two or three times that left on this earth. Are you going to be alone and miserable the entire time?”
“Yes,” Yunho said stubbornly.
“Then you’re an even bigger dumbass than I thought,” Changmin snapped.
Yunho’s head whipped back as if he’d been slapped. Changmin never spoke to him that way. He’d heard him be harsh with others, especially Jae since they ripped on each other for fun, but he’d always been gentle with him.
“Yunho…” Changmin’s voice was soft now. “I understand that you feel guilty, that you think you don’t deserve to be happy because I’m gone. It might seem soon but it wouldn’t matter if it’s five days, five months or five years: I’d still be gone and you’d still be with someone else.” He paused for a moment. “This is all my fault.”
“No,” Yunho breathed, shaking his head. “Don’t say that. I…”
Changmin nodded. “It is. I should’ve prepared you better. Jae warned me but… I thought I was doing what was best for you at the time. As it turns out, it was just what was easiest.” Something in his eyes changed and he looked at Yunho speculatively. “You found the album, didn’t you?”
Yunho blushed, the guilt in his eyes the only answer Changmin needed.
“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. You deserve to know. You need to.”
Chapter 29b
Author: VampireMadonna
Pairing: Main: YunJae; Secondary: JaeMin, HoMin
Rating: PG-13
Length: Chaptered
Summary: After Changmin's death, how are Jae and Yunho going to cope with their grief and their increasing attraction to each other?
Yunho fought for air, his heart thumping wildly in his chest, skin dotted with beads of perspiration.
How could he have been so blind? All that time it was right there, staring him in the face, but he hadn’t seen it. Maybe he hadn’t wanted to see it. Just look at what had become of his life once he’d had no choice but to acknowledge it. The “honeymoon” would’ve ended long before it did if he had. Those three little words had indeed turned his world upside down.
Jaejoong loved him. He’d loved him for a long time but Yunho had been blinded to it, willfully so, until it slapped him in the face and he could no longer pretend it didn’t exist.
But he’d done the right thing, he was sure of it. He loved Changmin. He cared about Jaejoong but it wasn’t fair to keep him hanging on when he couldn’t give him what he wanted. He was still mourning his beloved husband.
Wasn’t he?
Yunho jumped up and headed straight for the fridge, pulling out a can of beer. He popped it open and drank the entire thing is huge, greedy gulps. Tossing it aside, he grabbed the rest of the six-pack and carried it back to the staircase, popping another one open as he sat back down. He took a fortifying sip and picked up the offensive photo again.
So perfect, he thought, unsure of whether he was referring to the picture it presented or Jaejoong. Could have been both, he supposed.
On instinct, he turned it over.
New beginning.
“What the fuck does that mean?” he asked aloud, momentarily surprised by the sound of his own voice. He didn’t know why he sounded so angry but he realized it was also how he felt.
Changmin had written it, he recognized his handwriting, but what the hell did he mean by it?
Setting the photo aside, he picked up the album again, selecing random photos and reading the backs. Their was something written on each one and by the time he got through them, he was highly irritated.
Picture perfect. Life goes on. Memories of better days. The future awaits.
What had Changmin been thinking when he’d written those captions? It was like…like he’d been saying goodbye long before he’d actually left. Like he didn’t care. Or rather, he seemed to look forward to the ones he left behind continuing to live their lives without him in it. Didn’t he think they’d miss him? That there’d be a hole in their hearts where he had been? Didn’t he know Yunho’s life ended when his had?
“Perhaps not,” he muttered, remembering that dreadful day in the hospital when he’d been prepared to do whatever it took to save Min…and Jaejoong showed up with the DNR Min had prepared.
He angrily set the album aside, emptied his can of beer and cracked open a fresh one. Delving into the box again, he pulled out another photo album, this one from their college years. He briefly flipped through it, feeling a pang of sadness at the reminder of all the good times they’d shared, but he didn’t linger. Setting that aside as well, he dug to the bottom of the box, pushing aside mementos from trips they’d gone on, and came upon something hard. He felt around for an edge and finally found one, pulling it out and spilling half the contents of the box in the process.
It was a gift box. Prettily wrapped with a crushed bow on top.
Frowning, he lifted the lid and gasped at the first thing that greeted him.
Beautiful…
Lifting the framed photograph, he had no doubt about who it was. Jaejoong looked exactly the same, then and now. He was much smaller at the time, maybe about ten or eleven, but his striking features hadn’t changed at all and he’d known how to work the camera even at such a tender age.
Unable to put the photograph down for some inexplicable reason, he set his beer can beside him on the step instead and picked up the remaining contents of the box.
Another photo album.
Flipping the cover, he found himself staring down at a picture of Changmin. He was in his uniform in line at what he recognized to be the school cafeteria. He’d been a cute kid, kind of gangly and awkward at that stage, growing into his too-tall body.
The picture was a candid shot, he wasn’t even looking directly at the camera. A few pages down, he realized that all of the photos were like that: guerilla style. Whoever had taken them had done so without Min’s knowledge.
When he got to the back of the album, he saw a piece of paper pinned to the cover by a paperclip. Unfolding it without removing it, he read:
“Minnie, I’m sorry for doing this to you. I know you’re probably hurting and I would spare you that if I could but… I can’t. I just wanted to say that you were the best friend a fool like me could ever hope for and I love you. I LOVE you, Changmin. I always have.”
Yunho frowned, confusion etched in every line of his face.
What the hell was this about?
“I know I acted cool and dismissive when you told me you loved me but deep inside, I was far from calm. I know I may seem confident and self-assured but I’m not. I have more self-esteem issues than most people probably do. Everyone gushes over my looks but no one takes the time to look beneath the surface. No one but you. You were the only one that knew me and you loved me anyway. I guess I felt that if I ever admitted my feelings you might change your mind or one day find someone better. We’re so young, I couldn’t be sure that what you felt was love. I never wanted to lose you, Minnie, so I played it safe. There are times when I’ve regretted it but most of the time I was sure I’d made the right decision. As I sit here writing this, I’m not so certain. I keep thinking that I never got to walk with you while holding your hand, never took you on a date officially, never got to kiss you… Now as I prepare to leave, I’m filled with regrets. I don’t think I made the right decision, Min, so don’t ever make my mistakes. If you like Yunho, then become a part of his world. We couldn’t possibly have stalked him forever so don’t waste more time. Go out into the world and live.
I don’t know what else to say. “I’ll miss you” seems so inadequate but I will. But until you find your one true love, take care of my heart, Minnie, for I’ve left it with you.”
Yunho gasped and re-read the last line.
“Take care of my heart, Minnie, for I’ve left it with you.”
What was going on? Changmin had told him that he’d never loved anyone before him but if what he read was true, then that had been a lie. Granted, if the pictures were any indication, he had been really young so it was probably nothing more than puppy love but then…why would he lie?
Slipping the paper loose to turn it over, his eyes fell on what was hidden behind the letter…and found more than he’d been looking for.
Jae.
The smile on his face was so pure, and sweet, and honest…as sincere as the heart he was making with his small, pretty hands.
Finally, everything clicked into place.
Before Changmin had been in love with him, he’d loved Jae. They’d loved each other.
But why would they keep that from him? It was so long ago that…
Unless…unless it wasn’t.
He rifled through his memory bank, more details coming together to present a bigger picture.
Min had told him that when they were twelve, Jae moved away. He glanced down at the photo album, then swung his gaze to the letter and re-read it.
This was Jae’s goodbye to Min, he realized. He’d returned his feelings but had been too scared to admit it so he’d let any chance they’d had of being together slip by. They’d stayed friends afterward, close as ever, but knowing what he did now, Yunho had to wonder if it had been merely platonic. Was that the reason they hadn’t told him? Did they still have feelings for one another? Changmin was his first and he’d assumed he was Changmin’s first because he’d said he’d never been with anyone other than Yunho. He supposed it was his own fault for making that mistake. “Being with” and “having feelings for” were two completely different things.
He knocked back his beer and jumped to his feet, pacing the foyer. Tons of questions swam in his head. If his history with Jaejoong was just that, why had Changmin kept it from him? Did he think he would’ve been upset? Paranoid? Or was it not history? Were there still feelings between them?
He thought about Jaejoong, how he’d given himself to him wholeheartedly, and shook his head. No… There were none on Jae’s side but it didn’t necessarily mean that Min hadn’t still harbored some. And Jaejoong had been the one he’d entrusted his final wishes to.
Not Yunho.
Not his husband.
He raked an impatient hand through his hair and started to reach for his beer.
No. He needed something stronger.
Changing direction, he strode over to the wet-bar, grabbed a bottle of scotch and poured himself a double. The burn that spread through him was welcome. At least, in that moment, he understood why his chest hurt. Forcibly taking a calming breath, he rationalized with himself.
He was probably making a big deal out of nothing. They’d been kids: it was just first love, puppy love. Just because he hadn’t experienced it himself didn’t mean he couldn’t understand that. There was no way the love between two children could compare to the love between adults. Right?
Nodding to himself, he forged on.
And, maybe they hadn’t told him because there was nothing to tell. They had probably forgotten. He’d seen them together, hadn’t he? They were no more than friends. Close friends, on a level he’d never before seen with anyone else, but friends nonetheless. Changmin loved him. He was his husband. Jae was just Min’s friend. His brother.
“Yes,” he said out loud, his confidence growing.
But then…
Jae loved him too.
He thought about the photo. If what he’d seen on Jae’s face had been real - and how could it not be when he’d beeing staring into it for the past six months? - then he’d loved him even before Min died. But how was that even possible? They had only just started to become friends at that point. Jae couldn’t possibly have loved him already. Could he?
He paused for a minute.
If Jae had loved him prior to Min’s death, when exactly had that love begun? They’d never spent an extraordinary amount of time together, not until Min got sick, and even then Min had always been around. Whatever alone time they’d had had been fleeting, surely not enough for Jaejoong to fall in love with him.
Confused and growing increasingly irritated because of it, he passed a frustrated hand over his face.
Something was missing. Some little detail, some event, was the key to this whole mystery but it was being kept from him. He felt like he was going crazy. Part of him still thought that he was making a mountain out of a molehill, that there was nothing to know: everything was as he had ever thought that it was. But the pictures, the notes, he couldn’t explain those away. They were proof of something that he had been purposely kept ignorant about.
If only there was someone I could ask…
Jaejoong was gone so he was not an option.
I certainly made sure of that, he thought sardonically.
EunHye…hated his guts. If he came to her for anything that wasn’t life or death, and maybe even then depending on her mood, she’d slam the door in his face. Or laugh in it, neither of which he particularly wanted to experience.
“If only there was a way I could talk to Min,” he mumbled.
Sighing, he returned to the bar, bypassed his glass and went straight for the bottle, drinking deeply, ignoring the dribble that spilled out of the corners of his mouth. When he felt sufficiently numb, he placed the bottle back on the counter - still keeping hold of its neck - and wiped his lips.
If only there was a way I could talk to Min…
And then it hit him. He could talk to Changmin! He could go to his grave right now.
It occurred to him that he’d never visited Changmin’s final resting place, not since that day so long ago when he’d watched them lower his husband’s coffin into the ground and felt like his world had upended into the hole with it.
He’d failed Changmin. He’d failed Jaejoong, his family, everyone.
But that could change, he decided. He would start now.
Dragging the bottle of scotch along, he walked back the way he’d come - not noticing that he tilted to the left a little as he did so - and grabbed his car keys.
He was a man on a mission now and he would get some answers, one way or another.
[DISCLAIMER: I do not advocate drunk driving!]
Yunho felt his mood grow increasingly darker as he walked through the cemetery. It wasn’t dark yet but neither was the sun high overhead. He glanced up at the horizon, where it was just dipping into its bed for the night, and found the hues of orange and gold as a backdrop to something so desolate and still to be eerily beautiful. A chill crawled up his spine. Thankfully, Changmin wasn’t buried too far in and he soon spotted his grave.
His steps slowed as he approached, eyes glued to the headstone.
Such a short life, he thought, his chest suddenly feeling heavy. He’d had a promising future ahead of him, they’d had a happy and long life together awaiting them, but fate had cruelly ripped it from their hands. It just wasn’t fair.
When he reached the grave, his legs unexpectedly gave way and he fell to his knees. He was overcome by a sudden surge of emotion. His heart was in a vice and the life was being squeezed out of it. He crawled onto the grave and leaned against the headstone. Wiping the tears he hadn’t realized were streaming down his cheeks, he took a swig of scotch, closed his eyes and rested his cheek against the cold, smooth surface of the headstone. He raised a hand and lovingly stroked the engraved letters marking Changmin’s name.
He felt closer to him and it soothed him somehow, but he was also gripped by pain, the intensity of which he hadn’t felt since the funeral.
“Why did you leave me?” he whispered, his voice breaking. “Why didn’t you let me save you?”
His sobs echoed loudly in the dense silence that surrounded him but he didn’t notice. He curled in on himself, hugging the bottle of scotch, and cried, swept up in a hurricane of pent-up emotions that he had no control over.
“What are you doing?”
Yunho heard the voice as if from a distance. The sound of his sobs reverberated in his head but still, he heard it. And when he did, his heart all but stopped. Not because someone had caught him weeping but because of the voice.
He knew that voice.
Turning his head slightly towards it, his eyes fell on a pair of feet and slowly traveled up a long, lean body.
He gasped.
Changmin smiled. “Hello, Yunho.”
Yunho stared, unblinking, disbelieving what he was seeing. It was impossible. There was no way that Changmin was there, standing less than ten feet away from him.
He continued to gaze wordlessly up at his husband, his brain only half-functioning. He looked…he looked good. He looked like he used to, healthy and happy. He knew he was happy because he was smiling. A sweet smile, a kind smile. He’d missed that smile.
His eyes traveled from Changmin’s head to his feet and back again, still unable to accept what he was seeing. He realized then that Changmin wasn’t exactly the same. He thought about all the movies he’d seen where ghosts were transparent and a person could pass his or her hand through them. His fingers flexed unconsciously as he repressed the urge to do the same.
What was different about Min now was that although he wasn’t transparent, he wasn’t exactly solid either. His corporeal form was unlike anything he’d ever seen, not even in all the sci-fi movies he’d watched. It was like…he was somewhere in between. That was the only way Yunho could describe it.
“Are you real?” Yunho finally asked. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “Maybe I’m seeing things.” He had drank a lot, he thought. Strangely, though, he felt 100% sober now. Any effect of the alcohol he’d imbibed had drained away when he saw Min standing there. Seeing an apparition of your dead husband could do that to you, he supposed.
“About 65%, I’d say,” Changmin joked.
Yunho looked up at him and when he merely continued to stare, Changmin sighed deeply.
“What are you doing here, Yunnie?” he repeated.
Yunho blinked. “I missed you. I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you since…since…”
Changmin shook his head. “I don’t mean here. I mean why are you in South Korea? You shouldn’t be here. You know that.”
Yunho flushed. “I know I haven’t visited you but I meant to, it’s just that…”
Yunho broke off as the implications of Changmin’s words finally registered.
Raising wide eyes to Changmin’s, he exclaimed, “You saw us?!”
Changmin nodded.
“So you’ve been here all this time?”
“Sort of.”
“Why didn’t you appear to me before?”
Changmin shrugged. “I couldn’t. I would have if I could’ve but I had no control over it.”
Yunho frowned. “What do you mean?”
Changmin shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. Yunho…”
“Are you okay there…where you are? Is it…scary?”
Changmin smiled. “It’s okay… I’m not in pain at least. And no, it’s not scary.”
“Did you…” Yunho licked his lips nervously. “Did you see…everything?”
Changmin knew exactly what he meant. Shaking his head again, he said, “No. I had no control over what I could see or when. It was like…watching a movie but with someone else controlling the remote. I could only see bits and pieces every now and again but it was enough to give me an idea of what was going on.”
Hot color rushed into Yunho’s cheeks and he dropped his gaze to Changmin’s feet. “I’m so sorry…”
“Yunho…”
“I’ve failed you as a husband. I’ve broken my vows.” He felt his tears returning. “I was so confused. I let things…happen that should never have. I hurt so many people. It just got out of hand.”
“Yunho…”
“I love you so much,” he whispered, tear-filled eyes meeting Changmin’s once again.
“But you love him too,” Changmin said simply.
Yunho shook his head, absolute horror written on his face. “No…”
“You love him.”
“I can’t.” He shrank back against the headstone. “I can’t.”
“Yunho…”
“I can’t!” he cried. “I married you. I love you. He…I can’t.”
Changmin was positive that if he could feel anything bad, his heart would be breaking for his husband. He made a miserable picture, sitting there clinging to his headstone.
“Yunho… I’m dead. I’m dead and I’m never coming back. But you’re alive. You have so much life left to live. You have a new beginning ahead of you.”
“Stop saying that!” Yunho jumped to his feet and squared off against Changmin, a light flow of tears still making tracks down his cheeks even as his body reverberated with anger. “Stop forcing me to forget you, stop forcing me to be with him. New beginnings and second chances… Why do people keep telling me these things?!”
“Because it’s true,” Changmin said firmly. “You can’t grieve for the rest of your life. You’re only twenty-nine years old, you have two or three times that left on this earth. Are you going to be alone and miserable the entire time?”
“Yes,” Yunho said stubbornly.
“Then you’re an even bigger dumbass than I thought,” Changmin snapped.
Yunho’s head whipped back as if he’d been slapped. Changmin never spoke to him that way. He’d heard him be harsh with others, especially Jae since they ripped on each other for fun, but he’d always been gentle with him.
“Yunho…” Changmin’s voice was soft now. “I understand that you feel guilty, that you think you don’t deserve to be happy because I’m gone. It might seem soon but it wouldn’t matter if it’s five days, five months or five years: I’d still be gone and you’d still be with someone else.” He paused for a moment. “This is all my fault.”
“No,” Yunho breathed, shaking his head. “Don’t say that. I…”
Changmin nodded. “It is. I should’ve prepared you better. Jae warned me but… I thought I was doing what was best for you at the time. As it turns out, it was just what was easiest.” Something in his eyes changed and he looked at Yunho speculatively. “You found the album, didn’t you?”
Yunho blushed, the guilt in his eyes the only answer Changmin needed.
“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. You deserve to know. You need to.”
Chapter 29b