Such a lonely day... and it's mine
I never write on here anymore. I've gotten so wrapped up in the whole "myspace" thing, I've completely ignored all of my other online journals. It's sad, really, that I even have so many. I guess I'm too hesitant to stop checking LJ because of the few whom I still care so much for, and wanting to stay even distantly connected to them.
So aside from blogging on MySpace, I actually have found myself writing more on a daily basis, and I really need to start taking it from there and turning it into something more constructive. So many people are urging me to try and publish some of my stuff. It's that fear of rejection thing, man, it scares the shit out of me... I don't think I could handle it. I kind of like it the way it is, where people who mean the world to me rant and rave about what a fantastic writer I am, instead of some stranger with a degree telling me I'm a piece of shit and should never write another word again for the rest of my life. Just can't handle that.
I have also found that despite my efforts, I can't let go. I can't forget. I can't move on. Every single person I've ever encountered in my life, and has found any place within my heart and memories... they are really stuck there forever. All the people who no longer even exist in my life, all I want to do is hunt them down, wrap them in my arms, and never let them go again. Tell them I love them and miss them and will always be there for them. Every single friend, lover, or "other" that's ever crossed my path, is in danger of my underestimated stalking abilities. I miss so many people... there are so many things about my past I wish I could just have back... if only to be there again to help me move on to the next stage of life. I don't know what it is, or when I'm supposed to get there, but all of a sudden, instead of moving with life, going with the flow, and taking things as they come... I'm falling behind. I'm getting lost, for the first time in my life, I really feel like I've been left behind and forgotten. So long, life... you will be missed.
In other news... love fucking sucks, I completely give in and give up there... women are trouble... if I didn't love them so damn much, I'd be straight... and where once a heart existed, that beat, and hurt, and healed and managed to move on every day and do it all over again... Nothing. Just gone. I don't think it's coming back. It left a note. Told me it took the kids and the car and left to go to Arizona. It got tired of the cold and the crime and how often I hurt it, or let it get hurt. And being ignored and often abused was too much to take anymore, it's not worth it to stay with me. Said there was more to life than what I have to offer it and is never coming back. Tried to get custody of the kids... no such luck. So now this empty vessel walks alone, since the car is gone. The world just looks different. And I don't like the view.
Guess I don't need walls anymore, there's nothing to get to once they're torn down or breached. So I can't really go back to my old ways of putting them up and doing whatever I want in the hopes of not falling in love and getting hurt... and then doing it anyway. I guess now it's just doing whatever and never having to worry that I'll feel a thing again. Life is going to be spectactular. Cheers!
So, since I now work 3rd shift and have just gotten off of work and managed to stop the racing pulse (gotta love those anxiety attacks!) and gotten some of the thoughts outta my head... I'm going to drink some wine and go to bed. My love to you all. Believe it or not... you're all very much on my mind, all the time. And even though my heart's gone... I still love you with all my soul. Smile for me, always... it gives me even the tiniest glimmer of hope.
~ThE oNe & OnLy CoLa~
So aside from blogging on MySpace, I actually have found myself writing more on a daily basis, and I really need to start taking it from there and turning it into something more constructive. So many people are urging me to try and publish some of my stuff. It's that fear of rejection thing, man, it scares the shit out of me... I don't think I could handle it. I kind of like it the way it is, where people who mean the world to me rant and rave about what a fantastic writer I am, instead of some stranger with a degree telling me I'm a piece of shit and should never write another word again for the rest of my life. Just can't handle that.
I have also found that despite my efforts, I can't let go. I can't forget. I can't move on. Every single person I've ever encountered in my life, and has found any place within my heart and memories... they are really stuck there forever. All the people who no longer even exist in my life, all I want to do is hunt them down, wrap them in my arms, and never let them go again. Tell them I love them and miss them and will always be there for them. Every single friend, lover, or "other" that's ever crossed my path, is in danger of my underestimated stalking abilities. I miss so many people... there are so many things about my past I wish I could just have back... if only to be there again to help me move on to the next stage of life. I don't know what it is, or when I'm supposed to get there, but all of a sudden, instead of moving with life, going with the flow, and taking things as they come... I'm falling behind. I'm getting lost, for the first time in my life, I really feel like I've been left behind and forgotten. So long, life... you will be missed.
In other news... love fucking sucks, I completely give in and give up there... women are trouble... if I didn't love them so damn much, I'd be straight... and where once a heart existed, that beat, and hurt, and healed and managed to move on every day and do it all over again... Nothing. Just gone. I don't think it's coming back. It left a note. Told me it took the kids and the car and left to go to Arizona. It got tired of the cold and the crime and how often I hurt it, or let it get hurt. And being ignored and often abused was too much to take anymore, it's not worth it to stay with me. Said there was more to life than what I have to offer it and is never coming back. Tried to get custody of the kids... no such luck. So now this empty vessel walks alone, since the car is gone. The world just looks different. And I don't like the view.
Guess I don't need walls anymore, there's nothing to get to once they're torn down or breached. So I can't really go back to my old ways of putting them up and doing whatever I want in the hopes of not falling in love and getting hurt... and then doing it anyway. I guess now it's just doing whatever and never having to worry that I'll feel a thing again. Life is going to be spectactular. Cheers!
So, since I now work 3rd shift and have just gotten off of work and managed to stop the racing pulse (gotta love those anxiety attacks!) and gotten some of the thoughts outta my head... I'm going to drink some wine and go to bed. My love to you all. Believe it or not... you're all very much on my mind, all the time. And even though my heart's gone... I still love you with all my soul. Smile for me, always... it gives me even the tiniest glimmer of hope.
~ThE oNe & OnLy CoLa~