If You Love Someone, Let Them Go. Then What?
I came to my boyfriend's house a few days ago. He said there was something with my name on it. Some garbage bag or something. As soon as he said that, I knew what it was about. When I came over I looked in the corner and saw it: the bag of my things that I had left at Tasha's last year. I didn't know she still had it. I don't know why she gave it back and didn't damage anything inside. She gave me back all the things I left, among other things: a skirt I gave her. Fan girl posters. Photos of me. Notes we used to write each other. I don't know what happened to the rest. I don't know why she waited until now. I don't want to know. It doesn't matter anymore.
That letter I wrote her, the one I wanted to give her, the one I changed and re-wrote over and over again... well, I can't give it to her anymore. I sent her a message saying thank you and goodbye. I wanted to give her more, but I can't now. Tasha giving me back this bag represents what I've known all along but never wanted to admit to myself.
That after 10 years, Tasha, my best friend since 5th grade and my sister at heart, has forgotten me. She doesn't care about me anymore and while I can't be certain, I can take a good guess and assume that everything else she has of me is thrown away. She's going to go on with her life and pretend that I never existed. When people ask her about the things she did when she was young, what her life was like, she'll make it a point to make sure I'm not mentioned. I'm going to become a ghost- a meaningless shadow.
So that's what I need to do. Become a ghost. I have to lock away all my memories of her. They're some of my favorite ones, but I can't look back on smile on them anymore. If I do I'm going to fall apart again. All because I'm nothing but a failure; and a cursed one at that. I ruin everything and make the stupidest of mistakes to the people I love and to myself.
Despite my willingness to let her go and finally leave her alone to forget me, I won't be fixed. Having a pain like this is something that never heals and isn't something anyone understands unless they've been through it. Maybe someday I'll forget about her completely like she has. But the pain will still be there. That constant ache because I failed her.
So I lost one of the best people in my life. The one I loved the most. But I hope she's happy. I hope she continues to love and be loved. She deserves it after everything she's been through. Leaving me is probably one of the smartest choices she'll ever make and I hold no grudge against her for it. I'm not going to talk about her anymore. Not going to wonder how she is or what she's doing or if during all of this she ever missed me. I can't afford to care. I refuse.
And that's it. This was the end. There is nothing more to say.
That letter I wrote her, the one I wanted to give her, the one I changed and re-wrote over and over again... well, I can't give it to her anymore. I sent her a message saying thank you and goodbye. I wanted to give her more, but I can't now. Tasha giving me back this bag represents what I've known all along but never wanted to admit to myself.
That after 10 years, Tasha, my best friend since 5th grade and my sister at heart, has forgotten me. She doesn't care about me anymore and while I can't be certain, I can take a good guess and assume that everything else she has of me is thrown away. She's going to go on with her life and pretend that I never existed. When people ask her about the things she did when she was young, what her life was like, she'll make it a point to make sure I'm not mentioned. I'm going to become a ghost- a meaningless shadow.
So that's what I need to do. Become a ghost. I have to lock away all my memories of her. They're some of my favorite ones, but I can't look back on smile on them anymore. If I do I'm going to fall apart again. All because I'm nothing but a failure; and a cursed one at that. I ruin everything and make the stupidest of mistakes to the people I love and to myself.
Despite my willingness to let her go and finally leave her alone to forget me, I won't be fixed. Having a pain like this is something that never heals and isn't something anyone understands unless they've been through it. Maybe someday I'll forget about her completely like she has. But the pain will still be there. That constant ache because I failed her.
So I lost one of the best people in my life. The one I loved the most. But I hope she's happy. I hope she continues to love and be loved. She deserves it after everything she's been through. Leaving me is probably one of the smartest choices she'll ever make and I hold no grudge against her for it. I'm not going to talk about her anymore. Not going to wonder how she is or what she's doing or if during all of this she ever missed me. I can't afford to care. I refuse.
And that's it. This was the end. There is nothing more to say.