The Letter
It's my best friend's birthday today. Well, ex-best friend I guess you could say, It's been almost 11 months since we've spoken. 7 since last I heard from her. Every moment has been agony, especially when I learned the pain was not going to go away. I miss her every single moment of every single day. I've long dreamed of the day when I could finally celebrate her birthday with her again. Make her happy. See her smile. That day was today. And I'm not there. Instead, I'm at home alone, unable to sleep or eat. This is all I can do to stop crying and pass the time because I know that I'm only going to start crying again.
I wrote her a letter today. I don't really know why I did. We used to write each other all the time- the definition of pen pals when our lives weren't getting in the way of one another. I intend to drop this letter off in her mailbox, personally, the next time I'm in Hamilton. This will probably be one of the stupider things I do in my life, though now that I've lived my worst fear- hurting a person I loved- the thought doesn't really bother me anymore.
Before I put this letter in her mailbox, I want to type it out. This way, I will remember what I said. So here we go...
Dear Tasha,
Haven't done this in a while. Don't know why I'm doing it now. Maybe it's because today you're turning 21. You must be excited, now that you can drink anywhere you want and party in Vegas (which is an awesome city by the way- I went there a couple months ago and had Tequila in a drink for the first time. Yes, I've been drinking more :P).
I wish I could have been with you today, and every day I wasn't, I regret. It's now 3:08AM and I am wide awake. I knew I would be when I was up about 16 hours ago. I know I'll be awake at least another 21 hours. I wanted to celebrate your birthday with you for the longest time. But instead, I was at home alone. I made sure my boyfriend wouldn't be here with me. I didn't want anyone with me today.
I've been, and will continue, to read your old letters and notes (yes, I still have them all because I'm a crazy pack rat) and will look at old photos of you. Might sound like I'm being a creeper, but there was nothing else I wanted to do today. Couldn't motivate myself for anything.
Going through your letters and notes made me understand that I wasn't the friend you deserved. I should have listened to you more. Should have been there when you needed me. But I wasn't, was I? I'm not smart. I don't work properly.
You used to tell me not to bottle myself up. Not to hide my emotions or keep things locked away from you. I didn't listen. I don't know why exactly- I didn't want you to get hurt by something stupid that I was thinking or feeling. I thought I was stronger than I was. Looking back now, I wish I could change that. I should have been more open with you so you could be more open with me. But I wasn't. I shut down when people were getting close. It's worse now, especially when you come up. I close down. Try not to feel anything or let anyone in. Not even my boyfriend, who cares about me too much. I don't trust anyone. I can't bring myself to.
I don't know if you're still reading, but I hope you are, cause I am going somewhere with this... right now actually.
I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. Letting you down was the stupidest thing I've ever done and one of the worst mistakes I've ever made. I cannot and will not forgive myself for it. I was selfish. I was blind. I was insensitive. I was distant. I was arrogant. I was stupid. I was all of that and more, creating one huge failure. You have every right to be angry and hating me. You've been through so much in your life, experienced things, pains that I will never be able to understand. You deserve a friend who will be there for you whenever you need and do the things I never could.
All the agony I've been feeling since you've been gone has been nothing less of what I deserve. Supposedly if you let it out, you feel better. I think you and I both know that isn't true. During the first few months I thought I had begun to get over you. Oh how wrong I was. As time's gone on, it's only been getting worse. And I know it won't get better. It can't. Nothing that hurts this bad and makes me cry so hard I shake will get better. I can't listen to "Snuff- Slipknot" without breaking down.
Like I said at the start, I don't know why I'm writing this, but you always told me not to hide myself away. I can only be open with about 2-3 people anymore. I would like to be open with you again. I have things that I need to tell you- some that I should have told you before, but clouded my judgement at the time.
I want us to start again. To be friends again. I know it would be hard. It would take time. We would probably get into fights and disagree and not really understand at first. But you and I were best friends, near sisters as you always said, for almost 11 years. 11 years. Half our lives. I am not going to walk away from that. Not going to forget it. After you moved, you wrote to me once and said one day I would find a new best friend. In truth, I've gained more. I care about them and love them. But you are not replaceable. You are like no one I have ever met. I could list off the things that make you so wonderful and special and unique, but I know you probably want me to get to the point soon.
I always have (even now) loved everything about you. There is nothing about you I would want changed. Nothing. You won't believe me, but you are perfect. I know this because I know there is no one quite like you in the whole world. Never will be. Your flaws are part of your perfections because you try to rise above them. I was blessed to have you as my best friend. Honored.
If you give me another chance, I would be the friend you deserve. A person who listens, loves, and is there for you all the time. I would make mistakes, but I wouldn't leave you or give up on you. I've never done that. I never will. Even now, I believe in you. I know that you will be a successful photographer. I know you will fall in love again. I know that though there will be days of rain, but when the sun comes out, it will be bright and shining and worth every second.
There is no undoing the past. I wish there was. I would do so many things differently to be a better friend to you. I don't know if I'll change. In my experience, people never change- we only see different sides of them. There's so much about you that I don't know, so much I want to know. But more than anything else in the world I want to see you happy.
If I could have one thing right now and for the rest of my life, it would be to become your friend again. I love you. I love you when you're happy. When you're sad. When you're angry. When you're nervous. When you're crazy. When you're clumsy. When you're smiling. When you're creative. I love you. You're an amazing person, Tasha. I've never had a reason to be angry or upset with you. Anything wrong or bad that happened between us, was my fault. You did nothing wrong.
And having said that, I begin to draw to the close... That I know none of this may have affected you. I keep everything I have of you close to my heart, but I know you may have moved on. Thrown out any memory or item you had of me. Forgotten all about me. Cast me aside like a bad dream.
And I understand that. I don't blame you for it. I ruin everything or make things worse. Something's broken inside of me. People have told me otherwise but I know better. I was born to screw things up and wound in the end. If you throw this away, tear it up, burn it, I understand. I do. I've hurt you. I've failed you and ruined something you cared about: our friendship.
I'm so sorry.
These words I wrote, feelings, thoughts, whatever they are, they're out now. I don't want to keep dragging you down- it's your 21st birthday after all. I don't know what came over me. Must have been seeing your face in photos, pretending to hear your voice in letters. But I'm sorry I wasted your time. I'm sorry for everything I did wrong. I shouldn't have bothered with this.
I wish you all the best in the future. Doubt I'll be in it, but that will be for your benefit, right?
I love you. I'll always miss you (if this is the end).
Goodbye,
Amy.
---------------------------------------------
That's the letter I intend to give her. I don't know if I'm making a mistake again- wait, of course I am. I just miss her so much... I would do anything to be her friend again. I'm even going to tell her the truth about Anthony if I meet her again. She deserves to know. But that's all I have the energy to type. I have photos to look at and another 20ish hours to stay awake and feel myself fall apart again.
I wrote her a letter today. I don't really know why I did. We used to write each other all the time- the definition of pen pals when our lives weren't getting in the way of one another. I intend to drop this letter off in her mailbox, personally, the next time I'm in Hamilton. This will probably be one of the stupider things I do in my life, though now that I've lived my worst fear- hurting a person I loved- the thought doesn't really bother me anymore.
Before I put this letter in her mailbox, I want to type it out. This way, I will remember what I said. So here we go...
Dear Tasha,
Haven't done this in a while. Don't know why I'm doing it now. Maybe it's because today you're turning 21. You must be excited, now that you can drink anywhere you want and party in Vegas (which is an awesome city by the way- I went there a couple months ago and had Tequila in a drink for the first time. Yes, I've been drinking more :P).
I wish I could have been with you today, and every day I wasn't, I regret. It's now 3:08AM and I am wide awake. I knew I would be when I was up about 16 hours ago. I know I'll be awake at least another 21 hours. I wanted to celebrate your birthday with you for the longest time. But instead, I was at home alone. I made sure my boyfriend wouldn't be here with me. I didn't want anyone with me today.
I've been, and will continue, to read your old letters and notes (yes, I still have them all because I'm a crazy pack rat) and will look at old photos of you. Might sound like I'm being a creeper, but there was nothing else I wanted to do today. Couldn't motivate myself for anything.
Going through your letters and notes made me understand that I wasn't the friend you deserved. I should have listened to you more. Should have been there when you needed me. But I wasn't, was I? I'm not smart. I don't work properly.
You used to tell me not to bottle myself up. Not to hide my emotions or keep things locked away from you. I didn't listen. I don't know why exactly- I didn't want you to get hurt by something stupid that I was thinking or feeling. I thought I was stronger than I was. Looking back now, I wish I could change that. I should have been more open with you so you could be more open with me. But I wasn't. I shut down when people were getting close. It's worse now, especially when you come up. I close down. Try not to feel anything or let anyone in. Not even my boyfriend, who cares about me too much. I don't trust anyone. I can't bring myself to.
I don't know if you're still reading, but I hope you are, cause I am going somewhere with this... right now actually.
I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. Letting you down was the stupidest thing I've ever done and one of the worst mistakes I've ever made. I cannot and will not forgive myself for it. I was selfish. I was blind. I was insensitive. I was distant. I was arrogant. I was stupid. I was all of that and more, creating one huge failure. You have every right to be angry and hating me. You've been through so much in your life, experienced things, pains that I will never be able to understand. You deserve a friend who will be there for you whenever you need and do the things I never could.
All the agony I've been feeling since you've been gone has been nothing less of what I deserve. Supposedly if you let it out, you feel better. I think you and I both know that isn't true. During the first few months I thought I had begun to get over you. Oh how wrong I was. As time's gone on, it's only been getting worse. And I know it won't get better. It can't. Nothing that hurts this bad and makes me cry so hard I shake will get better. I can't listen to "Snuff- Slipknot" without breaking down.
Like I said at the start, I don't know why I'm writing this, but you always told me not to hide myself away. I can only be open with about 2-3 people anymore. I would like to be open with you again. I have things that I need to tell you- some that I should have told you before, but clouded my judgement at the time.
I want us to start again. To be friends again. I know it would be hard. It would take time. We would probably get into fights and disagree and not really understand at first. But you and I were best friends, near sisters as you always said, for almost 11 years. 11 years. Half our lives. I am not going to walk away from that. Not going to forget it. After you moved, you wrote to me once and said one day I would find a new best friend. In truth, I've gained more. I care about them and love them. But you are not replaceable. You are like no one I have ever met. I could list off the things that make you so wonderful and special and unique, but I know you probably want me to get to the point soon.
I always have (even now) loved everything about you. There is nothing about you I would want changed. Nothing. You won't believe me, but you are perfect. I know this because I know there is no one quite like you in the whole world. Never will be. Your flaws are part of your perfections because you try to rise above them. I was blessed to have you as my best friend. Honored.
If you give me another chance, I would be the friend you deserve. A person who listens, loves, and is there for you all the time. I would make mistakes, but I wouldn't leave you or give up on you. I've never done that. I never will. Even now, I believe in you. I know that you will be a successful photographer. I know you will fall in love again. I know that though there will be days of rain, but when the sun comes out, it will be bright and shining and worth every second.
There is no undoing the past. I wish there was. I would do so many things differently to be a better friend to you. I don't know if I'll change. In my experience, people never change- we only see different sides of them. There's so much about you that I don't know, so much I want to know. But more than anything else in the world I want to see you happy.
If I could have one thing right now and for the rest of my life, it would be to become your friend again. I love you. I love you when you're happy. When you're sad. When you're angry. When you're nervous. When you're crazy. When you're clumsy. When you're smiling. When you're creative. I love you. You're an amazing person, Tasha. I've never had a reason to be angry or upset with you. Anything wrong or bad that happened between us, was my fault. You did nothing wrong.
And having said that, I begin to draw to the close... That I know none of this may have affected you. I keep everything I have of you close to my heart, but I know you may have moved on. Thrown out any memory or item you had of me. Forgotten all about me. Cast me aside like a bad dream.
And I understand that. I don't blame you for it. I ruin everything or make things worse. Something's broken inside of me. People have told me otherwise but I know better. I was born to screw things up and wound in the end. If you throw this away, tear it up, burn it, I understand. I do. I've hurt you. I've failed you and ruined something you cared about: our friendship.
I'm so sorry.
These words I wrote, feelings, thoughts, whatever they are, they're out now. I don't want to keep dragging you down- it's your 21st birthday after all. I don't know what came over me. Must have been seeing your face in photos, pretending to hear your voice in letters. But I'm sorry I wasted your time. I'm sorry for everything I did wrong. I shouldn't have bothered with this.
I wish you all the best in the future. Doubt I'll be in it, but that will be for your benefit, right?
I love you. I'll always miss you (if this is the end).
Goodbye,
Amy.
---------------------------------------------
That's the letter I intend to give her. I don't know if I'm making a mistake again- wait, of course I am. I just miss her so much... I would do anything to be her friend again. I'm even going to tell her the truth about Anthony if I meet her again. She deserves to know. But that's all I have the energy to type. I have photos to look at and another 20ish hours to stay awake and feel myself fall apart again.