Hmm, life.
So I have been thinking about people a lot and realized that I haven't spent that much time with the people that are really my friends. Speaking of, I'm not even sure if they are right now because I haven't been spending time with them. I love Alicia to death but I haven't been spending time in my room and I don't like that but I don't want to leave here and go spend everyday in my room. I want both but I can't really see yet how to do that. I got to spend time with her yesterday though because we had fencing.
Ah, fencing. It's fun again, I'm glad. There was a time in there that I didn't feel like I was needed in the team at all and that I should quit because this year was going to be like last year. But it's not! Yesterday I got on the bus at 6 in the morning, yes, I woke up this time and got to the bus! Once Miyako and Coach got there I was told that I needed to go get Brenna's epee because that is what I was to fence that day. I have never fenced with an epee before! I went the entire day fencing with that thing and I only got one bout or match that was 5-0 them. Which means that I didn't loose badly yesterday, in fact, I won 7 out of 12 bouts! I think I am staying on epee now. I really liked it and it was fun to be there on the strip and I could think about everything that was happening and I was in control of my own body, I liked it!
So, in regards to Alex. I'm starting to scare myself slightly because he had so many nightmares of me leaving and not knowing him and just not being there. They're only dreams, yes, but it kind of scared me. I was thinking about it and I realized that it scared me because I am scared of myself. There's something about Alex that I know I just don't really want to say out loud for whatever reason. I know it may sound childish or dreamesque but either way. I'm scared of what I may do to this great thing that I have. He scared me because I'm more scared of me leaving and running from him then or me staying. I'm normally scared of staying and finding out what happens that I end up breaking off everything and ruining things like that. I don't want to do that now but it has been my life to do that that I don't want to do it now and so I am scared of myself because I'm scared of what I may do. I don't want to leave and forget the best thing in my life. I don't think I would but the fact that I have done it so many times just terrifies me into thinking that I may do something to leave him. And I don't want to .
On a happier note, I get to go home in a week and a half and see people. I have to go to the hospital and give my grandmother some undeserved attention but oh, well. That just means that I can use that excuse to see my friends at home. I need to see them and see people back in Texas... AND GET WARM!!!!
Ah, fencing. It's fun again, I'm glad. There was a time in there that I didn't feel like I was needed in the team at all and that I should quit because this year was going to be like last year. But it's not! Yesterday I got on the bus at 6 in the morning, yes, I woke up this time and got to the bus! Once Miyako and Coach got there I was told that I needed to go get Brenna's epee because that is what I was to fence that day. I have never fenced with an epee before! I went the entire day fencing with that thing and I only got one bout or match that was 5-0 them. Which means that I didn't loose badly yesterday, in fact, I won 7 out of 12 bouts! I think I am staying on epee now. I really liked it and it was fun to be there on the strip and I could think about everything that was happening and I was in control of my own body, I liked it!
So, in regards to Alex. I'm starting to scare myself slightly because he had so many nightmares of me leaving and not knowing him and just not being there. They're only dreams, yes, but it kind of scared me. I was thinking about it and I realized that it scared me because I am scared of myself. There's something about Alex that I know I just don't really want to say out loud for whatever reason. I know it may sound childish or dreamesque but either way. I'm scared of what I may do to this great thing that I have. He scared me because I'm more scared of me leaving and running from him then or me staying. I'm normally scared of staying and finding out what happens that I end up breaking off everything and ruining things like that. I don't want to do that now but it has been my life to do that that I don't want to do it now and so I am scared of myself because I'm scared of what I may do. I don't want to leave and forget the best thing in my life. I don't think I would but the fact that I have done it so many times just terrifies me into thinking that I may do something to leave him. And I don't want to .
On a happier note, I get to go home in a week and a half and see people. I have to go to the hospital and give my grandmother some undeserved attention but oh, well. That just means that I can use that excuse to see my friends at home. I need to see them and see people back in Texas... AND GET WARM!!!!