(no subject)
Title: Awkward
Author: villianophelian (x_spiderlily_x)
Chapter: 1/10
Chapter Summary: The narrator [A.K.A ME] introduces the reader [A.K.A YOU] to the lives of the characters, starting with Jonne Fairy Aaron and Bam Super-gay Margera
Genre: Comedy
Pairing(s): Under Construction
Rating:
Disclaimer: Not true=don't sue
A/N: So I found this while looking for something to read. It’s from my old account. I reread it and was baffled as to why I only made one chapter. But then again I was like 14 around the time and my mind was susceptible to boys and forgetting about writing >_<;. Anyways! I decided to repost and pick up where I left off.
There was a blonde boy standing in front of the fridge.
He had long hair, eyes the color of Linus Van Pelts blanket--Which at the moment were squinting angrily at a bottle of mustard-- and a frail, girl-like build. The mustard had never done anything offending to the late teen who was currently enduring a pink apron and a scowl; it was just the helpless victim of the occurrence of an unrequited love. The yellow bottle didn't need to read a Harlequin novel to see infatuation. Useless infatuation however, since the transvestite looking figure wasn't getting any [whether it be a confession of an everlasting love or a piece of ass].
Jonne sighed dramatically, slamming his forehead on the upper level of the fridge. Normally people bump themselves up there on accident, but on this occasion the move was completely intentional. The flavourful condiment was pushed to the back of the fridge by a hand sparkling with rings. 'Stupid French's mustard. She probably chose it out, telling him that it was healthier and-and more heterosexual than all the other mustards.' He blinked back tears of frustration that threatened to fall from reddened eyes.
"You're nothing but a mustard of lies."
The inanimate object may not have been the one to blame for the downfall of Jonne, but hell; it was part of the destruction of any hope. The blonde was in a most terrible situation; he was madly in love with a soon to be married man. Also, the man was horrifyingly straight. He had to be, Jonne decided--and he doesn't decide this kind of thing so easily-- because he was sleeping with a woman (Oh dear god) and he was indeed a business man. Hell if the blonde in pink knew what kind of business man-- Business was business, right?
'Oh why couldn't he be a Go-Go dancer?' Jonne moved a Miracle Whip and Heinz Ketchup in front of the French's mustard, hiding it from view. 'Even if he was some kind of exotic dancer... He'd still be way out of my league. I'm nothing compared to him-' his hands scrambled to move around the items in the fridge in a frenzy 'I don't own a suit, or wear fancy cologne, or own a big mansion. I'm nothing but...But a...' Jonne's hands seized movement, breath panting with the effort of scrambling the refrigerators insides. He felt unworthy, even with enough rings to blind someone from outer space.
"Check mate."
The blonde teen tensed as breath was felt at the back of his neck. Body heat seeped into his clothes that weren’t his own. 'Oh shit.' His faded blue eyes stared uneasily into the fridge to see a familiar hand grasping a bottle of soya sauce, placing it down. "Jussi." Jonne let out the breath he was holding as his mind focused on the hand. It was tanned and soft, but strong. He remembered the first time he came to the mansion. The teen was awkward, clumsy and inexperienced. On the first day of his job he had tripped over a mop, only to fall into those arms... And feel those firm hands on his waist. The moment Jonne looked into the blue eyes of Jussi, he was trapped into the ever spinning whirl pool of adoration.
"... Are you alright?" Jussi asked, his deep voice echoing off into Jonne's mind. The man had just returned from a business trip in New York and was feeling worried about the kid; he had been left alone with his Fiance, and he knew what a handful she was at times. A part of him didn't think Jonne would survive the weekend without him. The thought brought a smile to Jussi's face, the skinny blonde had luckily taken a liking to him [And he'd always wanted a younger brother, and in some twisted way he got one]. If any harm were ever to come to the boy, why, Jussi didn't know what he'd do--but it wouldn't be good.
'Are you alright? Are you alright? Are you alright?' Jonne's mind spun as a weight was felt on his shoulder, Jussi looked up at him from his resting place. 'I..I..I'm a...' "I'm a maid!!!" his hand clasped over his mouth in shock as he accidentally shrieked what his mind was thinking. A chuckle vibrated from the older man's lips. "Really? I would've thought you were a championship chess player." Jonne blushed furiously. "I was...I was just... Uh... Mustard! The mustard has to go to the back of the fridge. Its part of the Feng Shui." he nodded, satisfied with his excuse. "And you're not supposed to put the soya sauce there." Jonne put his shaking hand over Jussi’s larger one. Using it to guide the soya sauce, he continued rather knowingly. "It goes, right here. Beside the cabbage... To bring good luck, for your personal relationships."
"Hmm... I'll have to remember not to move those two." Jussi raised his head, bringing his weight off of Jonne. "Speaking of relationships..." 'Oh god. Oh god. He broke up with her and we're going to get married together. Also, he thinks I'm a sexy beast.' "I was wondering, how'd it go with Karil this weekend?" As unrealistic as the blonde's thoughts were, he couldn't help but feel disappointed at the outcome of the man's words. 'The least he could do is call me a sexy beast.' Jussi--not hearing the thoughts of a dramatic teenager-- stared in expectation of an answer. Swallowing nervously, Jonne remembered exactly how the weekend with Jussi’s fiancé had gone.
}{={{ . {} . }{V}{
"It was so romantic, he had a table for two set up, candles lit and everything was so perfect." Karil grinned with twinkling grey eyes as she remembered that evening. Jonne and herself had decided [without much comment from Jonne] to go and get something to eat after a day of shopping. 'No need to brag.' the blonde looked into his glass of root beer, wishing it didn't have the 'root' part. 'She already has him. The bitch doesn't have to rub it in.' he pouted inwardly.
"So he couldn't afford a bigger table and electricity, big deal." Karil met his eyes in a surprised glare. "No," she insisted, swallowing a piece of her salad, "He lit the candles to be romantic, and the table set for two shows that it was just for the two of us." He really was romantic that night, Karil remembered. And he had to be, after all. It was the night he asked her to marry him.
Jonne raised an eyebrow and appeared somewhat confused [and a bit amused]. "Well who were you expecting to be having dinner with you?" he snorted. "The candles were to light up your face so he wouldn't get distracted by some chick. Probably..." Karil stared in discomfort--and bit disbelief.
After his comments of rudeness their meal had ended, quite abruptly. Only an awkward silence had remained for pretty much the whole weekend. The two--as they were rivals-- avoided each other back in the mansion.
}{={{ . {} . }{V}{
'It's a shame Jussi had to go away...'
"Are you alright, Jonne? You're staring at me... As if you're having a flashback, preferably four paragraphs long." the man with pale blue eyes and jet black hair blinked, waving a hand in front of the dazed expression.
"I...Uhm... The weekend was-"
"Jonne!"
Karil entered the kitchen, oblivious to the conversation taking place. She was dressed in a light blue blouse, and deep brown skirt. In her hand was a small black phone. "There's a call for you from a 'Bam Margarita'. I didn’t know you knew any male strippers!" In a few quick steps, the teen snatched up the phone, casting an apologetic glance over his shoulder to Jussi before disappearing into the next room.
"Was I interrupting something?" Karil wrapped her arms around her future husband, silently cheering as Jussi answered "...Yeah, but it wasn't that important." before leaning in to kiss her.
}{={{ . {} . }{V}{
"I'm gay."
"Bam..." Jonne sighed in exasperation. "Just because I'm flamboyant fairy that showcases his goods does not mean I'll sleep with you." a groan resonated from the other side of the phone, and the blonde leaned closed the door to his room with a smirk. ‘He wants me.' "I've just had the biggest epiphany of my entire life, and you think I'm hitting on you? That's harsh dude."
"Uh huh... Now what is this epiphany of yours?"
"I. Am. Gay."
"Yes, yes, now give me the details of your discovery of the gaydom basket."
"You’re making my brain hurt man.”
Jonne laughed, flopping down on his bed. "So how'd you find out that you're gay? Did you see me naked?" the skater--and employee at Home Depot.--rolled his eyes at the other end of the line. He knew his little blonde friend well enough; he was a joker when it came to serious matters. Much like him, actually. "I said I turned gay. Not blind." a satisfied smirk graced his lips. Jonne whistled. "Harsh. You're not getting any from this, baby." Bam chuckled as he looked around. Currently, he was sitting on a box in the storage room of Home Depot. His uniform itched on his body, and he pulled at the collar uncomfortably. "But seriously dude, what do I do?"
On the other end of the line Jonne's face turned to neutral, and he replied in the most serious manner. "Become a tailor. You can feel up men and get paid for it. I'd suggest becoming a doctor though, and attend to the prostate checkups as often as possible. Don't worry if they struggle a bit at first, they'll end up liking it-"
"Dude, what the fuck?! Prostate checkups?!"
"Well I don’t know what to say! I'm a maid for fucks sakes."
The two laughed, tears forming at the corners of their eyes. Once they calmed down, Jonne took a deep breath. "So..." Bam smirked, checking his watch. "How'd you get super gay?" The blonde waited for an answer in anticipation. He loved stories. "Okay, I've got ten minutes left of break... Well my break’s over right now, but Jenn isn't good for shit, so she'll let me stay longer." his friend grinned. "Get on with it!"
"Okay, okay, and I'm not 'super gay'."
}{={{ . {} . }{V}{
"What's a vasec-tomy?" a small Bam asked, trying his best to color outside of the lines [Coloring inside of them looked boring, and he liked Ernie and Bert to look like ghosts]. "Dunno, it sounds yummy." his best friend answered as he tried to color his red hair to purple. "Miss Bwadley! Can we have a vasec-tomy to-morrow?" the child asked, accidentally breaking a crayon as he pushed too hard. "What???" the kindergarten teacher was awfully confused, when did her children learn that word? Bam looked up at her, trying to hide his newly broken crayon. "I wanna vasec-tomy."
"Oh, dear. Why would you want one of those Brandon?"
He growled at the use of his real name, before replying childishly. "Because."
Miss Bradley, with her inexperience with children--seeing as she was new to teaching-- rung her hands nervously. "Do you know what a vasectomy is, Bra-erm, Bam?" he shook his head and shrugged, dropping the evidence of a broken crayon on his table. This went unnoticed by the teacher--she was too busy thinking up the many answers she could use. In panic, Bam picked it up, shoving it in his friend's mouth as the teacher looked around the room. "Shh..." he whispered. A little Ryan nodded, making no move to take the crayon out. It actually tasted kinda good...
"Well, Bam, A vasectomy is... Well it's... It's what some men get sometimes, to stop them from having babies."
A few children in the classroom gasped. "No babies?" Bam asked, eyes wide. "Don’t worry! Some don’t get it until after the babies are already made."
"Oh..."
The kinder gardeners were silent, processing the newly given information. Miss Bradley sighed in relief; she'd done the right thing. Now hopefully they wouldn't bring up the subject agai-
"Can me and Ry-Ry have babies too?"
"Erm..." she flushed red."Yes, when you're old enough."
"Yay!" Ryan cheered, only to find that he'd digested the crayon.
"Together!"
"Together!"
"N-no boys, that's not what I mean-"
}{={{ . {} . }{V}{
"... If that happened in kindergarten, why the fuck are you telling me now???" Jonne blinked in confusion. "Because, don't you see?" Bam stressed, "I was gay then it went away for awhile, and now I'm gay again! It's all the mail man's fault!" the blonde exploded in laughter. "And who is this mailman?" his skater friend sighed. "He's this tall Finnish man with deep green eyes and pale skin, like the moon... I... I've been watching him for awhile now. He's completely oblivious to me though, and is too fast for me to catch." the blonde sighed. "Dear Bam, a lesson you must learn in courting, is that you must make them come to you." Bam groaned. "He does come to me, every morning at eight! He's just leaves so quickly! Even if I get on my skateboard he’ll turn the corner so quickly and disappear. Maybe he’s a magician too."
"Maybe you should jump inside the mail truck first chance you get, then just go at it. Or dress as a magician’s assistant."
"Okay. You're officially the worst advice giver. Ever."
"I try."
"........"
"So... Are you going to jump in the mail truck?"