Keyboard woes
I suck at harpsichord. The recital is May 31st, and I'm not sure whether or not I'm in it, but either way I'm nervous. If I'm in it, everyone's going to laugh at me when they see how poorly I play. It's not that I'm bad at harpsichord exactly... I mean, I would be wonderful if I'd started playing keyboards like, last year or something. But considering I was playing stuff this level when I was seven and haven't improved since then... *sigh*
I know it's my fault for not taking piano lessons past about 1992 or so, but... I wish I were good. It was so embarassing playing in front of chamber singers people at sectional because it looked like I didn't know what I was doing at the piano. The thing is... I've been playing piano since I was three. It's my main instrument (excluding voice, which I don't often count because it's not a "real" instrument according to a lot of people... including a lot of the music people including Holoman. Has anyone else noticed that? People who sing aren't as good as people who play instruments. IMHO, I think we're somewhat better, because anyone can learn how to blow into something and press their fingers down or whatever, but it's much harder to control something you can't even see. But I digress)! I should be able to play the damn piano! It's so embarassing when I can't. Ugh.
And you know why? It's all because I can't sightread. Because my fingers don't know what they're doing by themselves, and I have to be able to see the keyboard. Because it takes me twice as long as anyone else to figure out what the music is saying on the page. I don't have this problem with anything else. I'm an excellent sight-singer, one of the best in chamber singers (at least, according to Jeffrey, considering how much he tells everyone else not to rely on me), and when I play flute, I can keep up pretty well (sometimes my fingers can't go that fast, but it's never an eye issue). But on piano... *sigh*
I feel like such a loser. I could have been so good. And the only thing to make me good now is practice at sightreading, but it's so frustrating that I don't WANT to. If it weren't for harpsichord, I doubt I would have played piano at all this whole year.
I just don't know what to do about the recital. Should I try and be in it and risk looking like a kid in front of everyone because the piece is wayyy below college level and I can't sightread or hit the correct notes? Or should I not be in it and, while saving myself the embarassment, thereby prove to myself that I really CAN'T do it, and blow the one chance my family has to see me play the harpsichord at UCD?
I don't know what to do.
I know it's my fault for not taking piano lessons past about 1992 or so, but... I wish I were good. It was so embarassing playing in front of chamber singers people at sectional because it looked like I didn't know what I was doing at the piano. The thing is... I've been playing piano since I was three. It's my main instrument (excluding voice, which I don't often count because it's not a "real" instrument according to a lot of people... including a lot of the music people including Holoman. Has anyone else noticed that? People who sing aren't as good as people who play instruments. IMHO, I think we're somewhat better, because anyone can learn how to blow into something and press their fingers down or whatever, but it's much harder to control something you can't even see. But I digress)! I should be able to play the damn piano! It's so embarassing when I can't. Ugh.
And you know why? It's all because I can't sightread. Because my fingers don't know what they're doing by themselves, and I have to be able to see the keyboard. Because it takes me twice as long as anyone else to figure out what the music is saying on the page. I don't have this problem with anything else. I'm an excellent sight-singer, one of the best in chamber singers (at least, according to Jeffrey, considering how much he tells everyone else not to rely on me), and when I play flute, I can keep up pretty well (sometimes my fingers can't go that fast, but it's never an eye issue). But on piano... *sigh*
I feel like such a loser. I could have been so good. And the only thing to make me good now is practice at sightreading, but it's so frustrating that I don't WANT to. If it weren't for harpsichord, I doubt I would have played piano at all this whole year.
I just don't know what to do about the recital. Should I try and be in it and risk looking like a kid in front of everyone because the piece is wayyy below college level and I can't sightread or hit the correct notes? Or should I not be in it and, while saving myself the embarassment, thereby prove to myself that I really CAN'T do it, and blow the one chance my family has to see me play the harpsichord at UCD?
I don't know what to do.