This is whats going on...and they don't care!
I haven't really felt like updating lately. I don't know. I really haven't felt like doing much of anything. I just go to school and then to work and then back to school for night classes. Then I head home and usually lock my self in my room and check the updates on here. Thats pretty much it. I don't get why I'm feeling so down lately. See I have a history of cutting. While I have stopped for about 5 months, I felt the urge to just do it the other day. I just wanted to go for it. I went and got a razor from the bathroom and took it apart and I was about to do it when my cell phone rang. It was my friend Chelseay. But that didn't help because all she wanted to talk about was Bubba. FUCK BUBBA! Can't you see I'm about to hurt myself? No! No one can see because they are all to involved with their own shit. What to do this weekend. What to wear to prom. Blah! Its fucking bullshit. There was only one person's name and face that was going through my head when I was talking to Chelseay. But I couldn't call him because he is always working. But I love him so much I really can't say much about him working. When he isn't working I'm at school and when he is working I'm free. Thats why I look forward to Fridays. He doesn't work Fridays and so we get all weekend to spend time together. But he makes me happy. I guess we'll see how happy he can make me after I tell him about the awful week I've been having. I know he hates it when I talk about cutting and if I tell him I was thinking about it I'm afraid that he is going to lose it. But he won't leave me. I know that. He loves me too much and he knows that I love him. But I'm still afraid of what he is going to say. But I don't know. You'd think that I would be able to talk about this with someone. But my "best friend" since the 5th grade, is being no help. The other day at lunch her "boyfriend" jumped down my throat because me and my sister were talking about something that went on at home that morning. So he just butted into our conversation and was telling me how stupid that was and was just dogging me to hell. So I got upset and started crying. I found out from my cousin that sits there with us told me that after I left my sister went ballistic on him. She was like screaming and cussing at him. And what did my "best friend" do? Nothing. She actually laughed once or twice when he said something. But I thought maybe if I could actually write this all down then it would be better. But I can't write at home because I'm almost 100% postitve that my mom reads my "Diary". I know this because when I wrote something about going to HIS house and that it was fun she asked me about it. But thats why I think online journals are better. She can't read this because there is no way in hell she would ever figure out my password because it is sooo RaNdOm! Well I guess thats about it.