when you're home alone, you don't answer the phone
i keep wanting to update and finding i really don't have much to say that people might want to actually read? but then i remember that i'm not that interesting either way, so why should it matter? i'm just all around feeling like it's time for a friendscut. only, most of my entries are public, so it's not like that will make some sort of monumental change or something. i don't know. whatever.
on tuesday, i woke up and decided to listen to my chemical romance. because i was just in the mood. only, i got halfway through 'helena' before i realized that i just couldn't listen to them that day. i just kept thinking about louis and what he's up to now, who he hangs out with, where he works, just, wondering. and that train of thought always leads back to how he's probably not thinking about me at all. and then i was kinda sad, but mostly angry that i was sad. (i liked MyChem before i even cared about louis's existence! i should be able to listen to them without thoughts of him ruining it for me!) i want to embrace where i am right now and just acknowledge my emotional state and fucking deal with it, because i've come so far and barely ever think about him anymore and totally have a life now that has nothing to do with him, but some days it's just so hard to see it that way. some days i just want to cry and that pisses me off. needless to say, i was feeling kind of irritated all day.
also, glenn decided she was going to spend 20 minutes or so defending (read: making excuses for) what happened last thursday. i really dislike her.
but that evening was our menarche party in femsex. we celebrate menstruation! with a party where everyone wears red! and eats red food! and talks about bleeding/not bleeding/societal pressures/hygiene ads! and we went through the box with a bunch of different blood-related options (including but not limited to: mainstream pads, mainstream tampons, sea sponges, natracare pads and tampons, keepers/mooncups, diva cups, instead soft cups, and glad rags). we also discuss douching (and why you shouldn't do it!!!). menstruation day is totally one of my favorite days in femsex.
wednesday i woke up feeling great. and i listened to all of the MyChem on my ipod and felt just fine, thank you. also, my rainboots came in the mail. i ordered them because it had been raining for like 3 weeks nonstop or some shit. the morning they got here, it was bright, sunny and hot. and the sun's been shining since. (i'm not actually complaining, because i get to wear my new shoes in the sun, but still)
thursday was good. glenn had a guest speaker come in and talk to us, and it felt like a LOT of what he was saying didn't at all pertain to us. but it was better than her standing up there talkign about nothing for an hour and a half.
in Advanced Feminist Theory, we started by discussing this video (which she had shown us at the end of tuesday's class), the No on 8 campaign and the racism still going around about it. also, marriage in general. and it was a really great conversation (that, admittedly, chloe and i pretty much completely dominated). i love thompson. then we started discussing the book we're reading: Juana Rodriguez's Queer Latinidad, which is fuckign good, dude. chloe and i kind of dominated this one, too, but not as much. i don't imagine she and i are very ~stealthy, barely commenting in the earlier discussions, but when it comes to queer issues suddenly we take up a whole lot of space. but i think i'm going to start doing more of the readings. i don't know what i'm getting at here.
after femsex i ended up going out to the crib (gay club in the city) with a whole bunch of awesomeass people and had so much fun! danced a lot, smiled a lot, laughed a lot. it felt weird being there, since the last time i went was. well. this time. but no one i knew in the city was there, just awesome femsexy folk, so that was awesome. dancing with kory is so much fun. joy's boyfriend is pretty much the most awesome boyfriend ever and they are such an awesome pair. if i ever end up with a dude, it's gotta be one like him.
also? i've had one of those omg you're so hot and i've never spoken to you and i don't even know your name but i see you sometimes and everytime i see you i twitch a little crushes on this person for at least a few months now. i sometimes see her walking to or from my apartment, and she totally reminds me of gerard way. this? does not sound like a compliment, but it really, really is. fuck. anyway, it turns out she is the partner of one of kory's students, and ended up going out with us that night (ofcourse). at least i don't twitch when i see her anymore?
friday, i got up around noon and headed over to meet clara under the willow tree by the library on campus. we lay down on the blanket in the sun for at least an hour, talking about everything for a while, and then almost falling asleep haha. then we made a card for our faculty sponsor for femsex (and by we, i mean, i drew some leaves in the corner and clara drew the rest). as we were laying there, dwight happened upon us and referred to us as curvaceous ladies, then lay down with us for a little while. i heart dwight, dude. he's a really intelligent dude and he's not an asshole. jamietan and her friend olivia joined us too. it was really awesome. a little while after dwight left, a guy (alexis? alix? i don't remember) clara knows from her African Drumming class stopped by to say hello and then we had a little conversation about female ejaculation (during which i totally fell in love with this dude; he's a femsexy guy, i must say). all of this to say that i love fridays. i came home and wrote. i'm something like 7k into my bigbang fic and it's pretty awesome. ♥
this morning my mom called and woke me up. i wasn't angry because i had been trying to talk to her for a few days now and was starting to get concerned. but she's fine. =) and then kory picked me up and we went to buy lube from good vibes. i could have caught the bus, of course, but i've found that when i don't have to do things on my own, it's a lot better to get help. and people want to help, if i would just let them. then we went and had burgers at my favorite burger place. it was awesome.
i haven't really done any srs bisnis today, unless counting out specula for everyone's classes and putting lube in each bag counts. also, i made a new profile page! and i returned the movies i rented last week.
something i haven't been feeling so great bout lately has been my lack of influence? i mean, i know that i don't have magic and can't fix people's lives for them. i can't make decisions from them and i honestly can't do much of anything except listen when they want to talk, and give advice when i can. which, yea, awesome, but sometimes really not enough, you know? i've got a friend doing something really fucking stupid, and others going through really tough times right now and it's really fucking frustrating when i feel this helpless. but.
mr. bruna called me thursday night and i couldn't pick up, but he left me a voicemail. it was about how he's going to India, and will be there for like 3 months or something, and he just want to let me know he was leaving and also to tell me he appreciates me. and how there have been two really low points in his recent life and both times i was there for him to pick him up and set him going in the right direction (his words, not mine), and he just wanted to thank me. and. jeez. there's just.
mr. bruna was not just my favorite teacher. he's one of the most badass people i've ever met, okay. he grew up in the hood with his brothers in and out of jail, worked really hard and eventually became CEO of his own company, then threw all of that out and became a teacher at an 'inner city high school' (society's words, not ours), and then gave that up to do awesome monk shit (my words, not his, lmao). he's lived an extraordinary life, and that's not even why i look up to him as much as i do. it's because he's a genuinely good person, you know what i mean? he fucking cares about people, believes in people, believes that we can change shit. even when i was a little 15 year old asshole who laughed when her friends joked about his teeth, or whatthefuckever, he talked to me like i was a person. he talked to and treated all of us asshole tenth graders (not that all tenth graders are assholes, but anyone who was at Jordan at that time will tell you we were) like we were people. he taught me so much about respect, about respecting myself, about working hard, about achieving your dreams. and those unintentional lessons, like when i didn't know who the fuck i could talk to about those girls who wanted to jump me in 11th grade (and don't let any of my old lj entries tell you shit; i was terrified), like all of the countless times he's had my back, back in high school or in the years since. he's a fucking amazing dude, and whenever i mention him to other people, i always say my friend/mentor. because he rocks, and has been such a positive influence on me. he saw me, the me i am now, the me i had potential to be, way back when i was 80% bravado, 20% asshole. he still sees so much in me. and he doesn't have to. it will be no blow to his ego, no attestation to how bad of a person he is if i turn out to be nothing. he really believes in me. and the idea that i could have that kind of effect on him blows my mind. i still don't know exactly how to say what that message meant to me. i don't.
clara says that i make a difference, that i make her feel better. and let's not forget the people that thanked me for speaking up last thursday in glenn's class. maybe i need to stop doubting myself so much. maybe i need to believe.
it's raining now.
♥ all of you.
on tuesday, i woke up and decided to listen to my chemical romance. because i was just in the mood. only, i got halfway through 'helena' before i realized that i just couldn't listen to them that day. i just kept thinking about louis and what he's up to now, who he hangs out with, where he works, just, wondering. and that train of thought always leads back to how he's probably not thinking about me at all. and then i was kinda sad, but mostly angry that i was sad. (i liked MyChem before i even cared about louis's existence! i should be able to listen to them without thoughts of him ruining it for me!) i want to embrace where i am right now and just acknowledge my emotional state and fucking deal with it, because i've come so far and barely ever think about him anymore and totally have a life now that has nothing to do with him, but some days it's just so hard to see it that way. some days i just want to cry and that pisses me off. needless to say, i was feeling kind of irritated all day.
also, glenn decided she was going to spend 20 minutes or so defending (read: making excuses for) what happened last thursday. i really dislike her.
but that evening was our menarche party in femsex. we celebrate menstruation! with a party where everyone wears red! and eats red food! and talks about bleeding/not bleeding/societal pressures/hygiene ads! and we went through the box with a bunch of different blood-related options (including but not limited to: mainstream pads, mainstream tampons, sea sponges, natracare pads and tampons, keepers/mooncups, diva cups, instead soft cups, and glad rags). we also discuss douching (and why you shouldn't do it!!!). menstruation day is totally one of my favorite days in femsex.
wednesday i woke up feeling great. and i listened to all of the MyChem on my ipod and felt just fine, thank you. also, my rainboots came in the mail. i ordered them because it had been raining for like 3 weeks nonstop or some shit. the morning they got here, it was bright, sunny and hot. and the sun's been shining since. (i'm not actually complaining, because i get to wear my new shoes in the sun, but still)
thursday was good. glenn had a guest speaker come in and talk to us, and it felt like a LOT of what he was saying didn't at all pertain to us. but it was better than her standing up there talkign about nothing for an hour and a half.
in Advanced Feminist Theory, we started by discussing this video (which she had shown us at the end of tuesday's class), the No on 8 campaign and the racism still going around about it. also, marriage in general. and it was a really great conversation (that, admittedly, chloe and i pretty much completely dominated). i love thompson. then we started discussing the book we're reading: Juana Rodriguez's Queer Latinidad, which is fuckign good, dude. chloe and i kind of dominated this one, too, but not as much. i don't imagine she and i are very ~stealthy, barely commenting in the earlier discussions, but when it comes to queer issues suddenly we take up a whole lot of space. but i think i'm going to start doing more of the readings. i don't know what i'm getting at here.
after femsex i ended up going out to the crib (gay club in the city) with a whole bunch of awesomeass people and had so much fun! danced a lot, smiled a lot, laughed a lot. it felt weird being there, since the last time i went was. well. this time. but no one i knew in the city was there, just awesome femsexy folk, so that was awesome. dancing with kory is so much fun. joy's boyfriend is pretty much the most awesome boyfriend ever and they are such an awesome pair. if i ever end up with a dude, it's gotta be one like him.
also? i've had one of those omg you're so hot and i've never spoken to you and i don't even know your name but i see you sometimes and everytime i see you i twitch a little crushes on this person for at least a few months now. i sometimes see her walking to or from my apartment, and she totally reminds me of gerard way. this? does not sound like a compliment, but it really, really is. fuck. anyway, it turns out she is the partner of one of kory's students, and ended up going out with us that night (ofcourse). at least i don't twitch when i see her anymore?
friday, i got up around noon and headed over to meet clara under the willow tree by the library on campus. we lay down on the blanket in the sun for at least an hour, talking about everything for a while, and then almost falling asleep haha. then we made a card for our faculty sponsor for femsex (and by we, i mean, i drew some leaves in the corner and clara drew the rest). as we were laying there, dwight happened upon us and referred to us as curvaceous ladies, then lay down with us for a little while. i heart dwight, dude. he's a really intelligent dude and he's not an asshole. jamietan and her friend olivia joined us too. it was really awesome. a little while after dwight left, a guy (alexis? alix? i don't remember) clara knows from her African Drumming class stopped by to say hello and then we had a little conversation about female ejaculation (during which i totally fell in love with this dude; he's a femsexy guy, i must say). all of this to say that i love fridays. i came home and wrote. i'm something like 7k into my bigbang fic and it's pretty awesome. ♥
this morning my mom called and woke me up. i wasn't angry because i had been trying to talk to her for a few days now and was starting to get concerned. but she's fine. =) and then kory picked me up and we went to buy lube from good vibes. i could have caught the bus, of course, but i've found that when i don't have to do things on my own, it's a lot better to get help. and people want to help, if i would just let them. then we went and had burgers at my favorite burger place. it was awesome.
i haven't really done any srs bisnis today, unless counting out specula for everyone's classes and putting lube in each bag counts. also, i made a new profile page! and i returned the movies i rented last week.
something i haven't been feeling so great bout lately has been my lack of influence? i mean, i know that i don't have magic and can't fix people's lives for them. i can't make decisions from them and i honestly can't do much of anything except listen when they want to talk, and give advice when i can. which, yea, awesome, but sometimes really not enough, you know? i've got a friend doing something really fucking stupid, and others going through really tough times right now and it's really fucking frustrating when i feel this helpless. but.
mr. bruna called me thursday night and i couldn't pick up, but he left me a voicemail. it was about how he's going to India, and will be there for like 3 months or something, and he just want to let me know he was leaving and also to tell me he appreciates me. and how there have been two really low points in his recent life and both times i was there for him to pick him up and set him going in the right direction (his words, not mine), and he just wanted to thank me. and. jeez. there's just.
mr. bruna was not just my favorite teacher. he's one of the most badass people i've ever met, okay. he grew up in the hood with his brothers in and out of jail, worked really hard and eventually became CEO of his own company, then threw all of that out and became a teacher at an 'inner city high school' (society's words, not ours), and then gave that up to do awesome monk shit (my words, not his, lmao). he's lived an extraordinary life, and that's not even why i look up to him as much as i do. it's because he's a genuinely good person, you know what i mean? he fucking cares about people, believes in people, believes that we can change shit. even when i was a little 15 year old asshole who laughed when her friends joked about his teeth, or whatthefuckever, he talked to me like i was a person. he talked to and treated all of us asshole tenth graders (not that all tenth graders are assholes, but anyone who was at Jordan at that time will tell you we were) like we were people. he taught me so much about respect, about respecting myself, about working hard, about achieving your dreams. and those unintentional lessons, like when i didn't know who the fuck i could talk to about those girls who wanted to jump me in 11th grade (and don't let any of my old lj entries tell you shit; i was terrified), like all of the countless times he's had my back, back in high school or in the years since. he's a fucking amazing dude, and whenever i mention him to other people, i always say my friend/mentor. because he rocks, and has been such a positive influence on me. he saw me, the me i am now, the me i had potential to be, way back when i was 80% bravado, 20% asshole. he still sees so much in me. and he doesn't have to. it will be no blow to his ego, no attestation to how bad of a person he is if i turn out to be nothing. he really believes in me. and the idea that i could have that kind of effect on him blows my mind. i still don't know exactly how to say what that message meant to me. i don't.
clara says that i make a difference, that i make her feel better. and let's not forget the people that thanked me for speaking up last thursday in glenn's class. maybe i need to stop doubting myself so much. maybe i need to believe.
it's raining now.
♥ all of you.