and for what?
so like.
the other facilitators have totally met and surpassed my expectations. lauren found a place where we can have the readers made for cheap, morgan has hella connections, jamie's handling the de-cal stuff that i really tried but still don't understand, and everything's just coming together so nicely. i love everyone. this will be a good semester.
wednesday evening pam and i got together for some Fight Club, some popcorn and candy, and some Bailey's. it was awesome. when the movie was over, i was chatting to john and jamie while pam rambled on about things that made no sense lol. and my phone rang, but the person on the other end hung up before i could get to it. i checked missed calls and it was genne. i ignored the sinking feeling upon seeing her name and tossed my phone to the side. tried not to think about it, because that's how i've been dealing with the whole situation. by not thinking about it. but i still found myself wondering if she had dialed me on accident, or lost her nerve on the third ring and just hung up. i decided i would message her about it... later.
thursday, as i contemplated what i would say to her in the text [i mean, i was literally typing to her], she called. i couldn't get myself to answer. so i stared at my phone until her name disappeared. then cried.
for those of you who have no idea what i'm talking about, the [no more coherent] entry on it is here.
so, if you haven't already gathered, i'm not over the shit with her. pretending i am has gotten me nowhere. and being hit with the realization that i'm still stuck on this shit put me in a really bad mood. but i downloaded Adele's album '19' [which is all kinds of awesome] and went to campus to put up femsex fliers. i was walking around so slowly, so tiredly. it just didn't feel like me.
usually i'm singing/mouthing the words to whatever is playing on Helga, have a bit of bounce in my step, am walking so fast and taking in the world at the very same time. walk with a purposeful gait.
yesterday i was walking like a bit of a zombie in comparison. i eventually gave up on fliering and sat down. thought about writing, but instead texted genne that i couldn't talk but i could text. she told me she's in town and wants to have coffee or food with me. i read that for about five minutes, then called john. john told me to have coffee with her and throw hot coffee all over her.
for a good five minutes or so we had a tangent about me "tripping" and "accidentally" spilling hot coffee all over louis's crotch, which i would love to do.
back on topic, i told john i didn't want to do that to genne for a myriad of reasons. main one being that i don't want to exert that kind of negative energy, even if it is on her.
but i had to think, to really think about why i don't want to see her, and why i would possibly want to see her.
not in either list because i can't decide if it's a pro or con:
it occurred to me last night after i talked with meera about all this, why i was and am still so upset about what happened. it wasn't the fact that she was so physically unmoveable. it wasn't the fact that i couldn't physically get her to back off. it's not what physically happened that fucked with me [although that's certainly part of it]. it's the fact that she wouldn't listen to me telling her no. it was her complete disregard for my wishes and my thoughts, not just that sunday afternoon, but the entire weekend. it was the way she said my reasons weren't good enough, the way she kept pressing me about it, the way she afterwards acted like that was okay.
someone needs to tell that girl that when someone says "no" then she needs to back the fuck off.
i don't know if i want to be that someone.
i told her i was busy this weekend and she said "just whenever... i would say no pressure but i really feel that with our history we should try to mend our relationship. i'm not too proud to beg..."
which put me off because even though i know she's looking to fix things, i don't know if i want to. and she's still not really listening to me. so an hour ago i just said flat out "no." and haven't heard back from her.
i don't know. i don't know. we'll see how it goes.
side note: i really hate the messages inside the individually wrapped Dove chocolates. but they're just products of the society i live in i guess.
also, according to ourchart, someone's gonna be gettin pregnant on the next season of the l word. god, i hope it's not jenny. >.>
i've spent an incredible amount of time fantasizing about mike shinoda. the fantasizing in itself isn't odd, but the amount of time spent doing so is. and i know that the only reason i think of him is because i don't know him, will never know him, and thus he can't hurt me. dreaming about real, touchable, everyday people only leads to heartbreak for me and i'm not really looking forward to that so much. but i can't help but wonder if this is healthy.
queer womyn at berkeley is having a potluck dinner tonight. that should be cool to go to.
i've hit that point in my lpfe fic where i've gotten a good start and now have completely lost confidence in it. i'm afraid that my prompter will not like what i've written for them. and i'm even more afraid that they will be afraid to tell everyone they hate it, and will instead pretend to like it. =/
i don't have much else to say. hope you're all well.
the other facilitators have totally met and surpassed my expectations. lauren found a place where we can have the readers made for cheap, morgan has hella connections, jamie's handling the de-cal stuff that i really tried but still don't understand, and everything's just coming together so nicely. i love everyone. this will be a good semester.
wednesday evening pam and i got together for some Fight Club, some popcorn and candy, and some Bailey's. it was awesome. when the movie was over, i was chatting to john and jamie while pam rambled on about things that made no sense lol. and my phone rang, but the person on the other end hung up before i could get to it. i checked missed calls and it was genne. i ignored the sinking feeling upon seeing her name and tossed my phone to the side. tried not to think about it, because that's how i've been dealing with the whole situation. by not thinking about it. but i still found myself wondering if she had dialed me on accident, or lost her nerve on the third ring and just hung up. i decided i would message her about it... later.
thursday, as i contemplated what i would say to her in the text [i mean, i was literally typing to her], she called. i couldn't get myself to answer. so i stared at my phone until her name disappeared. then cried.
for those of you who have no idea what i'm talking about, the [no more coherent] entry on it is here.
so, if you haven't already gathered, i'm not over the shit with her. pretending i am has gotten me nowhere. and being hit with the realization that i'm still stuck on this shit put me in a really bad mood. but i downloaded Adele's album '19' [which is all kinds of awesome] and went to campus to put up femsex fliers. i was walking around so slowly, so tiredly. it just didn't feel like me.
usually i'm singing/mouthing the words to whatever is playing on Helga, have a bit of bounce in my step, am walking so fast and taking in the world at the very same time. walk with a purposeful gait.
yesterday i was walking like a bit of a zombie in comparison. i eventually gave up on fliering and sat down. thought about writing, but instead texted genne that i couldn't talk but i could text. she told me she's in town and wants to have coffee or food with me. i read that for about five minutes, then called john. john told me to have coffee with her and throw hot coffee all over her.
for a good five minutes or so we had a tangent about me "tripping" and "accidentally" spilling hot coffee all over louis's crotch, which i would love to do.
back on topic, i told john i didn't want to do that to genne for a myriad of reasons. main one being that i don't want to exert that kind of negative energy, even if it is on her.
but i had to think, to really think about why i don't want to see her, and why i would possibly want to see her.
- why?
- well, avoiding thinking about her for the past six months has done nothing for me
- maybe i can get through to her that what she did was wrong, and why, so that she won't be doing it to other girls.
- uhm.... k that's all
- why the hell not, then?
- because the aforementioned sinking feeling whenever i think of her.
- because being alone with her, even in a public place is not something that sounds remotely appealing.
- because who's to say that talking to her will help at all?
- and why the hell is it my job to make sure she doesn't do this to someone else? can't someone else do that?
of course, the answer to these questions is that it's not technically my job, but if someone could have come before me i definitely would have wanted them to look out for someone other than themselves. and no, no one else is going to do this. there's a lot more sexual violators than people fighting sexual violence. i'm just a soldier in an army that is clearly outnumbered.
but on the other hand... give me a fucking break dude, i don't have to educate everyone, all the time...
but someone has to educate them...
...sigh - because jamie told me not to.
- because jamie said
jamay: would you want cami to go out with an old friend who raped someone?
jamay: Despite being someone who cared about you dearly, she still raped someone she said she loved.
not in either list because i can't decide if it's a pro or con:
it occurred to me last night after i talked with meera about all this, why i was and am still so upset about what happened. it wasn't the fact that she was so physically unmoveable. it wasn't the fact that i couldn't physically get her to back off. it's not what physically happened that fucked with me [although that's certainly part of it]. it's the fact that she wouldn't listen to me telling her no. it was her complete disregard for my wishes and my thoughts, not just that sunday afternoon, but the entire weekend. it was the way she said my reasons weren't good enough, the way she kept pressing me about it, the way she afterwards acted like that was okay.
someone needs to tell that girl that when someone says "no" then she needs to back the fuck off.
i don't know if i want to be that someone.
i told her i was busy this weekend and she said "just whenever... i would say no pressure but i really feel that with our history we should try to mend our relationship. i'm not too proud to beg..."
which put me off because even though i know she's looking to fix things, i don't know if i want to. and she's still not really listening to me. so an hour ago i just said flat out "no." and haven't heard back from her.
i don't know. i don't know. we'll see how it goes.
side note: i really hate the messages inside the individually wrapped Dove chocolates. but they're just products of the society i live in i guess.
also, according to ourchart, someone's gonna be gettin pregnant on the next season of the l word. god, i hope it's not jenny. >.>
i've spent an incredible amount of time fantasizing about mike shinoda. the fantasizing in itself isn't odd, but the amount of time spent doing so is. and i know that the only reason i think of him is because i don't know him, will never know him, and thus he can't hurt me. dreaming about real, touchable, everyday people only leads to heartbreak for me and i'm not really looking forward to that so much. but i can't help but wonder if this is healthy.
queer womyn at berkeley is having a potluck dinner tonight. that should be cool to go to.
i've hit that point in my lpfe fic where i've gotten a good start and now have completely lost confidence in it. i'm afraid that my prompter will not like what i've written for them. and i'm even more afraid that they will be afraid to tell everyone they hate it, and will instead pretend to like it. =/
i don't have much else to say. hope you're all well.