don't wanna say i'm sorry...
things i am not looking forward to:
- meeting tomorrow with the Academic.. Accessibility... people.
one of our students last semester filed a formal complaint against FemSex for not being accessible. it wasn't the class itself, but several events that take place outside the classroom, such as porn night and the end of the semester party that weren't accessible. most houses/apartments in berkeley have stairs and no elevator. and it sucks that such is the case, but meera and i were in no position to change it. i understand why the student made said complain and she has every right to have her concerns addressed, but i just don't know what i'm supposed to do about it. when it comes down to it, FemSex is not liable because neither porn night nor the end of the semester party are required events, and aren't officially associated with the class. but that makes me sound like a complete douche and i don't want to be that person. i'm seriously trying to learn, trying to grow and think about things differently because i know i can be an ignorant fuck sometimes [i know, you're thinking, tracie??? ignorant? not! but none of us are perfect], but i don't know how. i've constantly been checking my reactions and asking myself why i feel the way i feel when it comes to dealing with this student and i feel so fucking incompetent because i just don't know what i'm doing. i just... there's no guide on How To Not Be an Inconsiderate Dick To Your Students With Disabilities. and i can't help but feel offended that i have to go to this meeting even though i clearly need it. whatever. - putting together the femsex training manuals
i volunteered to do this because i'm the only returning fac in berkeley. but it's so much fucking work and it gives me a headache to sit in front of the computer for extended periods of time tryign to sort shit out because wouldn't you know it? the most recent electronic copy of the training manual is from fucking Fall 2005. so i have to compose all the new shit since then and it just.. it sucks. i have to go to the library to do this because most of the files are .doc files and my Word is broken, plus i don't have a printer so doing all the shit here would be fucking useless. so as i sit in the basement of Moffitt, bothering jeannie every few minutes with another stupid question, giving myself a headache, i think about what caitlyn's doing. by the photos she's posting on facebook, she's wakeboarding, hot tubbing, drinking and generally enjoying her summer. jamie's working a lot but by her facebook pictures she's also having a good time. and i know i volunteered to do this, and usually i'm not so whiny about it but i just feel so overwhelmed right now. - finishing the reader
i shouldn't say 'finishing' because that implies i've started. again, i'm the only returning fac in berkeley and i don't even know what i'm doing. i shouldn't have volunteered to handle this. my stomach hurts. - finding a job
yep, still need one of those. scrolling through the work-study site has, just as every other goddamn website and newspaper has, reminded me of how inexperienced and useless i am. i would never hire me. OMG WHERE R U, CONFIDENCE?! - the semester starting
and needing to buy books and needing to pay rent, and needing to finish my lpfic_exchange fic, and being so so busy and trying to stay afloat. taking upper division classes and i'm not excited about the higher reading requirements. it is my intention to try and get my brain into reading mode before then so that i'll be at least sort of prepared, but i doubt it will happen. - summer ending
i know this sounds like the same thing, but it's not. i can't help but feel jipped, like i didn't really get a break. since i was depressed for most of it, i mean. and i know it's no one's fault but my own that i spent my days laying around and seeing no point in life. i just need to get over myself.
enough feeling sorry for myself, hm?
on saturday, Queer Womyn at Berkeley had a picnic at this incredibly cute park in North Berkeley.
elana. =)
elana picked blackberries before i showed up and shared them with me.
this adorable little thing stole my heart, being so damn cute. we all loved her.
i had beer i actually enjoyed... usually i despise beer.
me enjoying said beer, with baguette and fancy cheese. and the cardboard in my lap i was decorating to go down the slide on.
oh, did i not mention THE 40 FOOT CONCRETE SLIDE?
elana went down on her stomach! brave girl.
shireen is just plain awesome.
i can't help myself. when i go to playgrounds i turn into a little kid again. of course i spent about 20 minutes on the swings as well, thinking about a lot of shit. elana and i had spent a lot of time speculating about the lives of the north berkeley parents that were picnicking next to us. and while i was on the swing and watched some of them watch me out of the corner of their eyes, i thought about segregated berkeley, about the rich people living in the hills with pretty parks. no graffiti, everyone cleans up after themselves. 40 foot concrete slides. barely a Black, Hispanic or Native person in sight. there were a few people of various Asian descent, but not many. i think about how elana said she'd want to live here, and i think about how i would never want to live in this sort of place. in their fucking bubble with their imported wine. gags.
gorgeous british couple that was with us. sarah and cleo. they were hilarious and so terribly cute. they're actually from london and they told me that if i can at all, to study there. the next day i had a facebook friends request from cleo. it made me terribly happy, for whatever reason. =)
other cute couple there. =)
this is what a berkeley picnic looks like. elana sent me home with the extra baguette because she has so many at her co-op.
afterwards the three of us went to pick blackberries =) this park is so gorgeous. i really want to go back soon.
i was a bit buzzed at this point and couldn't take photos that weren't blurry.
and i got a photo of jesus for my wallpaper
the next day pam, yuki and i were supposed to go to golden gate park for a picnic, but yuki ended up having to look for a place to live, since moveout day at rochdale is the 16th and she's still on the waitlist for the fall. so pam and i went to the flea market and saw awesome things and some some stuff too. i really wanted a purple ring but couldn't afford one. next time!
we were walking along and i hear a guy saying "ugh!!" and for whatever reason know he's talking about me. i look around and see him making a face of disgust at me and yelling, "shaving cream!" to which i mumble 'your mother' too low for him to hear and just shoot him a grin that says 'lick my asshole'. i didn't mention it to pam because i was fully intent on enjoying the rest of my day without anger in my heart. of course, the anger and discomfort didn't go away. and i just... i hate people, ok? it's not my fucking job to be hairless so i can be your fucking eyecandy asshole. it's not my job to be anything for you. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU to try and make me feel bad for being comfortable with myself? suck an asshole.
on the way home, pam and i picked up some smoked gouda and some belgian beer to go along with the baguette elana forced on me the day before.
and omg it was all so good. i am obsessed with fruity beers now.
yesterday i didn't have such a great day. i found a nice spot on campus and sat down with the intention of writing.
blackberries i could not reach because they were across the creek.
did not write btw. but i made 5 pages of progress later that day.
today pam and i went to IHOP and picked up another baguette so we could finish off the smoked gouda while watching Purple Rain and Party Monster. that was fun.
i'm tired. i want to get something done but really i'd rather just sleep so i'll attempt that.
love to the flist. ♥