now i find myself in question.
i'm going to update anyway, even though i have the distinct feeling people have stopped caring.
this morning when i decided i could sleep no more, i lay there [after masturbating of course] and remembered a conversation i had with louis last night [or early this morning] about clippers. i was asking him the difference between an electric shaver and clippers and he said it's specifically for black people hair.
yesterday my dad gave me a long, weird look with an eyebrow raised and said, "you know, if you're gonna be doing this, we're gonna have to get you some clippers." he was rubbing my head as he said it and i really wanted to just walk away and get in niki's car and go to mom's house, but i remember times when those were the moments i really loved. i remember when we used to fight and then a few days later he would be like that with me. i remember the relief i felt when he was in those moods. now i just want to be away from him all the time. i'm wary [and weary] of all of his moods because they change instantaneously and any exchange, no matter how small or friendly, can [and probably will] end in a fight or an insult or a sideways shot at me.
but this morning when i thought i about it, i realized what that look his was giving me. that smirky, eye-squinty, eyebrow raised look. it was the 'i love you' look. i don't know the last time i saw it and recognized it. who knows? it could have been the other day when we had dinner together. and the "we're gonna have to get you some clippers" comment was one of those Son Hits Puberty bonding things. i'm the son he's always wanted.
i've always been the son he always wanted. only, i've also always had a twat, which has really fucked with him i suppose. his son, the one that liked camping, played basketball and football with the neighborhood kids, who liked to fish with him and run around and always smelled bad... had a cunt and played with barbie dolls and cried when sad and watched mary-kate and ashley movies religiously.
my dad was born and raised a christian in st. louis, missouri. i don't know what that means, but whenever people mention the south it's supposed to mean something. i know that not all people in the south are so opposite to me. what means something to me is that everyone in my family from the south is nice and friendly and all, but definitely very conservative. very religious and very old-school. i'm cool with that, to each their own, but since this is my dad we're talking about and i've had to deal with his shit for the past 20 years, it means something. he had certain values instilled in him. he has certain beliefs about the roles of men and women, and sexuality, and so many other things, beliefs i don't agree with at all and don't have much respect for, to be honest. but i do respect that people should believe what they want to, and that just because i disagree doesn't mean they're horrible ignorant people. they just think differently than i do, as do most people in the world. that's fine.
i can imagine it must have fucked with him. like, supposedly girls are supposed to have their little tom boy phase before they learn how to be a girl and then all that stops. only, it never really stopped for me. i tried, you know, to fit in and be conventionally "girly" in middle school, painted my nails, wore whatever it was we were supposed to, tried to not stomp everywhere i went, wore skirts [in 8th grade], but that didn't make me any less boyish and i realize that now. i was fooling no one, and i didn't just get used to it so i could look like the rest of the girls. the ones who were so pretty and boys liked them and they had nicer things than me and they didn't look like clowns in makeup. the ones who were coincidentally white and had what i thought to be better hair, and we so popular and funny and flirtatious. i could never be one of them, so i stopped trying after a while. high school came and i changed my wardrobe and was more comfortable, and the less i tried to be feminine, more comfortable i got. i still wore skirts and did my nails but it was less of a "well i need to be a girl" thing and more of a "you know what would go GREAT with this outfit??" thing.
as time has gone on, most of my femininity has faded. i wear skirts every so often and won't say no to a pedicure, have no problems letting people open doors for me, but i burp and fart in public, have longer armpit hair than hair on my head, haven't shaved my legs in months, wear whatever i feel like wearing when i roll out of bed, shower when i feel like it, and a bunch of other shit. some people would consider me pretty manly, but i definitely don't. i'm a good mix between the two, pretty genderqueer if you will. i personally don't feel comfortable being one or the other and that's just who i am. that's what makes me comfortable. so yea, you will see me in a dress one day and baggy pants the next. because i feel like it.
however, this isn't about what i feel like, but rather me trying to understand my dad. because i'm the daughter he never wanted and not that great of a son either. i'm sure he has no idea how to feel about me. i go to berkeley and am doing just fine out there, but i date girls. i have no problems with drugs and alcohol but every time he sees me i have a new ring, a new tat, a new haircut. i'm sure he, just like everyone else on this planet, thinks i'm a lesbian and that things with louis will end sooner rather than later and i will just date girls for the rest of my life. but uhm, it's been a good two years now and i actually want him more than ever.
i think i've lost the purpose of this entry. i'm gonna just go now..
this morning when i decided i could sleep no more, i lay there [after masturbating of course] and remembered a conversation i had with louis last night [or early this morning] about clippers. i was asking him the difference between an electric shaver and clippers and he said it's specifically for black people hair.
yesterday my dad gave me a long, weird look with an eyebrow raised and said, "you know, if you're gonna be doing this, we're gonna have to get you some clippers." he was rubbing my head as he said it and i really wanted to just walk away and get in niki's car and go to mom's house, but i remember times when those were the moments i really loved. i remember when we used to fight and then a few days later he would be like that with me. i remember the relief i felt when he was in those moods. now i just want to be away from him all the time. i'm wary [and weary] of all of his moods because they change instantaneously and any exchange, no matter how small or friendly, can [and probably will] end in a fight or an insult or a sideways shot at me.
but this morning when i thought i about it, i realized what that look his was giving me. that smirky, eye-squinty, eyebrow raised look. it was the 'i love you' look. i don't know the last time i saw it and recognized it. who knows? it could have been the other day when we had dinner together. and the "we're gonna have to get you some clippers" comment was one of those Son Hits Puberty bonding things. i'm the son he's always wanted.
i've always been the son he always wanted. only, i've also always had a twat, which has really fucked with him i suppose. his son, the one that liked camping, played basketball and football with the neighborhood kids, who liked to fish with him and run around and always smelled bad... had a cunt and played with barbie dolls and cried when sad and watched mary-kate and ashley movies religiously.
my dad was born and raised a christian in st. louis, missouri. i don't know what that means, but whenever people mention the south it's supposed to mean something. i know that not all people in the south are so opposite to me. what means something to me is that everyone in my family from the south is nice and friendly and all, but definitely very conservative. very religious and very old-school. i'm cool with that, to each their own, but since this is my dad we're talking about and i've had to deal with his shit for the past 20 years, it means something. he had certain values instilled in him. he has certain beliefs about the roles of men and women, and sexuality, and so many other things, beliefs i don't agree with at all and don't have much respect for, to be honest. but i do respect that people should believe what they want to, and that just because i disagree doesn't mean they're horrible ignorant people. they just think differently than i do, as do most people in the world. that's fine.
i can imagine it must have fucked with him. like, supposedly girls are supposed to have their little tom boy phase before they learn how to be a girl and then all that stops. only, it never really stopped for me. i tried, you know, to fit in and be conventionally "girly" in middle school, painted my nails, wore whatever it was we were supposed to, tried to not stomp everywhere i went, wore skirts [in 8th grade], but that didn't make me any less boyish and i realize that now. i was fooling no one, and i didn't just get used to it so i could look like the rest of the girls. the ones who were so pretty and boys liked them and they had nicer things than me and they didn't look like clowns in makeup. the ones who were coincidentally white and had what i thought to be better hair, and we so popular and funny and flirtatious. i could never be one of them, so i stopped trying after a while. high school came and i changed my wardrobe and was more comfortable, and the less i tried to be feminine, more comfortable i got. i still wore skirts and did my nails but it was less of a "well i need to be a girl" thing and more of a "you know what would go GREAT with this outfit??" thing.
as time has gone on, most of my femininity has faded. i wear skirts every so often and won't say no to a pedicure, have no problems letting people open doors for me, but i burp and fart in public, have longer armpit hair than hair on my head, haven't shaved my legs in months, wear whatever i feel like wearing when i roll out of bed, shower when i feel like it, and a bunch of other shit. some people would consider me pretty manly, but i definitely don't. i'm a good mix between the two, pretty genderqueer if you will. i personally don't feel comfortable being one or the other and that's just who i am. that's what makes me comfortable. so yea, you will see me in a dress one day and baggy pants the next. because i feel like it.
however, this isn't about what i feel like, but rather me trying to understand my dad. because i'm the daughter he never wanted and not that great of a son either. i'm sure he has no idea how to feel about me. i go to berkeley and am doing just fine out there, but i date girls. i have no problems with drugs and alcohol but every time he sees me i have a new ring, a new tat, a new haircut. i'm sure he, just like everyone else on this planet, thinks i'm a lesbian and that things with louis will end sooner rather than later and i will just date girls for the rest of my life. but uhm, it's been a good two years now and i actually want him more than ever.
i think i've lost the purpose of this entry. i'm gonna just go now..