day 19: with every kiss, and every hug, you make me fall in love
so i was really sad that i would be missing the femsex trip to good vibrations this weekend. i talked to jeannie this morning and apparently, good vibes was robbed last night while they were there. my students, my cofac, other students, other facs, were being given a tour. walking from the cock rings to the lube when some guy walks in with a gun. whatthefuck, who does that? no one got hurt, but it's freaking me out. what if someone had gotten hurt? what if i had been there? fuck, man, i had every intention of being there last night. i want to rant about fate and how the smallest things change everything, but my wrist hurts so i'll skip it.
apparently, i'm still sexy. see, i still pay attention to my mom's ridiculous ideals of beauty, etc. she hates me hair and keeps talking about how pretty i was before, when it was straight and longer. and i know that i got more compliments then and people generally liked my hair more then. i got a lot more compliments and got hit on more often. but i also like my hair like this. i did this [cut it, wore it natural] because i wanted to challenge my comfort level. like, if i'm so beautiful, i'll be beautiful with a short afro too, right? but i still feel insecure. i still feel unsure. even though i like it, i feel like maybe louis would rather hang out with me when i had my crazy hair. i feel like other people prefer my other hair. and i'm working, working so hard to stop caring about that because jesus is that an unhealthy line of thinking. plus, i'm not about being attractive to other people. it's not my job to be sexy for everyone, damn it. it is my job to please myself. so i'm challenging myself.
but a handful of people are still attracted to me. like, the vice president of the gsa at long beach city college was hitting on me last night. and it's not that i'm doing this to make other people like me this way, but it feels nice to be appreciated the way i am. i've contradicted myself. it makes sense in my head. i think.
i had breakfast with my sister this morning. she's not fond of my hair. but we had delicious food at this restaurant close to belmont shores, the bistro. it was fantastic.
my mom is trippin on my hair like crazy. last night she was semi-drunk and trying to get louis to say he didn't like my hair. "louis, what do you think of her hair?" "hair doesn't mean anything to me." "no, but don't you think she looked better last time?" "...no really, i don't care about hair." she was disappointed that he didn't take her side.
whatever anyone has to say about louis, he doesn't give a shit about dumb shit like hair. if he spends time with me for the first time in a month he's not gonna waste it bothering me about my hair. he's not with me because i'm hot fine and sexy. he's with me because he enjoys my company.
my mom saw me crying yesterday. i was a bit of a fool to think she hadn't. niki's phone rang during breakfast and she was like "hey... yea... i'm fine... it's about her and her dad..." and i started laughing so hard. apparently mom had called to see if niki knew what the song was about. she did. mom also decided to tell her that i was crying during the song. lovely. i would much rather think she just didn't notice my tears, than know that she saw me crying and just decided to ignore it. and bring it up later, not to me, but to my sister. fantastic.
so everyone wants to kick it today and i dunno what we'll do. mom and dad want me to go to my dad's house, since no one else in the posse has a house we can kick it at. my mom says that since my dad told me he would stop drinking, he's showing remorse and that he won't act like that anymore. i doubt it. sincerely. she says to give him one more chance. i don't want to. but we don't really have any more options. because i really want to see everyone, and we have nowhere else to go. this is utter bullshit, and i will probably post an entry crying, etc later tonight or tomorrow morning. i don't know why i do this to myself.
uhm.. i need a shower. louis bought me 5 pairs of pants yesterday. =) love to the flist.
apparently, i'm still sexy. see, i still pay attention to my mom's ridiculous ideals of beauty, etc. she hates me hair and keeps talking about how pretty i was before, when it was straight and longer. and i know that i got more compliments then and people generally liked my hair more then. i got a lot more compliments and got hit on more often. but i also like my hair like this. i did this [cut it, wore it natural] because i wanted to challenge my comfort level. like, if i'm so beautiful, i'll be beautiful with a short afro too, right? but i still feel insecure. i still feel unsure. even though i like it, i feel like maybe louis would rather hang out with me when i had my crazy hair. i feel like other people prefer my other hair. and i'm working, working so hard to stop caring about that because jesus is that an unhealthy line of thinking. plus, i'm not about being attractive to other people. it's not my job to be sexy for everyone, damn it. it is my job to please myself. so i'm challenging myself.
but a handful of people are still attracted to me. like, the vice president of the gsa at long beach city college was hitting on me last night. and it's not that i'm doing this to make other people like me this way, but it feels nice to be appreciated the way i am. i've contradicted myself. it makes sense in my head. i think.
i had breakfast with my sister this morning. she's not fond of my hair. but we had delicious food at this restaurant close to belmont shores, the bistro. it was fantastic.
my mom is trippin on my hair like crazy. last night she was semi-drunk and trying to get louis to say he didn't like my hair. "louis, what do you think of her hair?" "hair doesn't mean anything to me." "no, but don't you think she looked better last time?" "...no really, i don't care about hair." she was disappointed that he didn't take her side.
whatever anyone has to say about louis, he doesn't give a shit about dumb shit like hair. if he spends time with me for the first time in a month he's not gonna waste it bothering me about my hair. he's not with me because i'm hot fine and sexy. he's with me because he enjoys my company.
my mom saw me crying yesterday. i was a bit of a fool to think she hadn't. niki's phone rang during breakfast and she was like "hey... yea... i'm fine... it's about her and her dad..." and i started laughing so hard. apparently mom had called to see if niki knew what the song was about. she did. mom also decided to tell her that i was crying during the song. lovely. i would much rather think she just didn't notice my tears, than know that she saw me crying and just decided to ignore it. and bring it up later, not to me, but to my sister. fantastic.
so everyone wants to kick it today and i dunno what we'll do. mom and dad want me to go to my dad's house, since no one else in the posse has a house we can kick it at. my mom says that since my dad told me he would stop drinking, he's showing remorse and that he won't act like that anymore. i doubt it. sincerely. she says to give him one more chance. i don't want to. but we don't really have any more options. because i really want to see everyone, and we have nowhere else to go. this is utter bullshit, and i will probably post an entry crying, etc later tonight or tomorrow morning. i don't know why i do this to myself.
uhm.. i need a shower. louis bought me 5 pairs of pants yesterday. =) love to the flist.