day 18: let me think about it
so i figured out a cool trick to get internet to work at my mom's house, yay! but i'll probably still do a voice post at some point.
i'm in long beach. the bus ride was unpleasant but not as bad as i'd anticipated, so that was cool. we even got to la faster than expected, but that basically meant i was sitting in the la bus station waiting for an hour. the womyn in front of me kept coughing, and not covering her mouth. gross. the bus driver was a goddamn perve. when he took my ticket, he was watching something the girl he had just admitted was doing. i looked over, curious as to what he was looking at. it was her ass. i was like 'come ON, man!' and it probably showed all over my face.
feeling pretty groggy and tired, although the dentist's appointment wasn't too bad. no needles! and the gap between my teeth is gone, which is cool.
this morning when mama picked me up from the greyhound station, she wanted to make a few stops. she was playing her and my sister's favorite new album, I Am, by Chrisette Michelle. the song "Your Joy" came on, and the first time around i didn't realize until halfway through what it was about. i was like oh, is this about her dad? mom was like no, it's about a man coming to marry her...
Walked down the sidewalk
Staring at your feet
Wishing my steps were longer
So by your sides I could keep
Hold your hand much bigger
Never wanted mine to grow
So I could always feel perfect
Inside your palms just so
No one loves me just like you do
No one knows me just like you do
No one can compare to way my eyes fit in yours
You'll always be my father
And I'll always be your joy
Laid me on your belly
Nights when mama wasn't home
Lightning made me shiver
And you never let me feel alone
I tried to match your breathing
Beating my little heart against yours
Perfect were the nights we were sleeping
I never want to end what we are
'Cause No one loves me just like you do
And no one knows me just like you do
No one can compare to the way my eyes fit in yours
You'll always be my father
And I'll always be your joy
One day he'll come on bended knee
And ask my love away from thee
And when I give my love to him
You'll always have a place within
One day he'll come on bended knee
And ask my love away from thee
And when I give my love to him
You'll always have a place within
No one loves me just like you do
No one knows me just like you do
No one can compare to the way my eyes fit in yours
You'll always be my father
And I'll always be your joy.
clearly, about her father. i explained the bits i heard to mom and she was like "OHHH.. that's deeper than i'd thought! can i listen to it again??" i said sure, and regretted it seconds later, when my uncontrollable tears started. fantastic!
i absolutely hate crying in front of my mom. when i was a kid, i would go to mama and she would make me feel better somehow. she was magical. she stopped being that magical a long time ago. i want to say 15, when the gay drama started and she was anything but supportive. but i would be lying. it was a long time ago, maybe even at age 10, when she stopped being someone who magically made it better. when she stopped trying to magically cure my petty small child ails. when i do the math, i find that it was around that time that my mom decided she wanted a divorce. i didn't know about this until a year or two ago, but i'm doing the math and i'm not liking the results.
but regardless, she was tired. and hey - it's not her job to wipe away all my tears. maybe i just needed to be more self-sufficient. when someone stops comforting you, you stop going to them for comfort, right? wrong. i still make that same mistake. i still call her when i'm sad, and don't realize my mistake until she picks up the phone and i remember how many times she's let me down. so i pretend not to be sad, and that i was just calling to call, which is a great excuse because i do that almost every day anyway.
anyway, i was sitting there, trying to drown out the song, trying not to listen, but the tears wouldn't stop. i kept thinking that if my dad were listening to that song, he wouldn't be sad at all. he'd be like "oh, my daughter. she's so beautiful and smart. i did such a great job" or some shit like that. or maybe he'd think of his awful relationship with my sister. but he wouldn't be sad. not as sad as i was. he wouldn't have tears streaming down his face and despair filling his heart. he wouldn't be rolling down the windows because he couldn't breathe. he wouldn't be thinking about how his drinking and his attitude about drinking hurt me, or how fucked up he is to me sometimes. and it's so completely unfair that i have to be the one who's hurting, who's crying, who's upset about this.
i'm emotionally unstable. i've forgotten how horrid the first two days of my period tend to be. groggy, tired, depressed, more mood swings than usual. this blows. i'm gonna spend the day with louis. i'm looking forward to the drag show tonight. =)
tell me things, friends.
i'm in long beach. the bus ride was unpleasant but not as bad as i'd anticipated, so that was cool. we even got to la faster than expected, but that basically meant i was sitting in the la bus station waiting for an hour. the womyn in front of me kept coughing, and not covering her mouth. gross. the bus driver was a goddamn perve. when he took my ticket, he was watching something the girl he had just admitted was doing. i looked over, curious as to what he was looking at. it was her ass. i was like 'come ON, man!' and it probably showed all over my face.
feeling pretty groggy and tired, although the dentist's appointment wasn't too bad. no needles! and the gap between my teeth is gone, which is cool.
this morning when mama picked me up from the greyhound station, she wanted to make a few stops. she was playing her and my sister's favorite new album, I Am, by Chrisette Michelle. the song "Your Joy" came on, and the first time around i didn't realize until halfway through what it was about. i was like oh, is this about her dad? mom was like no, it's about a man coming to marry her...
Walked down the sidewalk
Staring at your feet
Wishing my steps were longer
So by your sides I could keep
Hold your hand much bigger
Never wanted mine to grow
So I could always feel perfect
Inside your palms just so
No one loves me just like you do
No one knows me just like you do
No one can compare to way my eyes fit in yours
You'll always be my father
And I'll always be your joy
Laid me on your belly
Nights when mama wasn't home
Lightning made me shiver
And you never let me feel alone
I tried to match your breathing
Beating my little heart against yours
Perfect were the nights we were sleeping
I never want to end what we are
'Cause No one loves me just like you do
And no one knows me just like you do
No one can compare to the way my eyes fit in yours
You'll always be my father
And I'll always be your joy
One day he'll come on bended knee
And ask my love away from thee
And when I give my love to him
You'll always have a place within
One day he'll come on bended knee
And ask my love away from thee
And when I give my love to him
You'll always have a place within
No one loves me just like you do
No one knows me just like you do
No one can compare to the way my eyes fit in yours
You'll always be my father
And I'll always be your joy.
clearly, about her father. i explained the bits i heard to mom and she was like "OHHH.. that's deeper than i'd thought! can i listen to it again??" i said sure, and regretted it seconds later, when my uncontrollable tears started. fantastic!
i absolutely hate crying in front of my mom. when i was a kid, i would go to mama and she would make me feel better somehow. she was magical. she stopped being that magical a long time ago. i want to say 15, when the gay drama started and she was anything but supportive. but i would be lying. it was a long time ago, maybe even at age 10, when she stopped being someone who magically made it better. when she stopped trying to magically cure my petty small child ails. when i do the math, i find that it was around that time that my mom decided she wanted a divorce. i didn't know about this until a year or two ago, but i'm doing the math and i'm not liking the results.
but regardless, she was tired. and hey - it's not her job to wipe away all my tears. maybe i just needed to be more self-sufficient. when someone stops comforting you, you stop going to them for comfort, right? wrong. i still make that same mistake. i still call her when i'm sad, and don't realize my mistake until she picks up the phone and i remember how many times she's let me down. so i pretend not to be sad, and that i was just calling to call, which is a great excuse because i do that almost every day anyway.
anyway, i was sitting there, trying to drown out the song, trying not to listen, but the tears wouldn't stop. i kept thinking that if my dad were listening to that song, he wouldn't be sad at all. he'd be like "oh, my daughter. she's so beautiful and smart. i did such a great job" or some shit like that. or maybe he'd think of his awful relationship with my sister. but he wouldn't be sad. not as sad as i was. he wouldn't have tears streaming down his face and despair filling his heart. he wouldn't be rolling down the windows because he couldn't breathe. he wouldn't be thinking about how his drinking and his attitude about drinking hurt me, or how fucked up he is to me sometimes. and it's so completely unfair that i have to be the one who's hurting, who's crying, who's upset about this.
i'm emotionally unstable. i've forgotten how horrid the first two days of my period tend to be. groggy, tired, depressed, more mood swings than usual. this blows. i'm gonna spend the day with louis. i'm looking forward to the drag show tonight. =)
tell me things, friends.