you do it all the time - blowin out my mind
so i have this thing where i try not to cling to the things that matter most to me. i don't want to suffocate people (because it is, invariably, people that i want to cling to the hardest. this is probably telling), and i somehow convince myself that if i don't cling, it won't hurt so much when i have to let it go.
like maybe, if i never try to make someone mine, if i never push for what i want, if i just lurk in the background nursing my love/crushes/friendlove for someone without making a move to keep these things alive, without trying to have it grow into what my fantasies assure me could be fucking real and good. like if i never push, it won't hurt so much when i am invariably denied.
but it always hurts anyway. it hurts when i try and it hurts when i don't. the only difference is that when i try, everyone can see my humiliation. and when i don't try, that shame is my own; my secret to tend to and keep to myself.
and it just looks so fucking easy for everyone else (i know that's an illusion, but i can't help seeing it that way) and everyone around me swears that all i have to do is put myself out there~~ and have more confidence~~ as if that made any kind of difference when i tried it in the past. and i'm supposed to, what? just keep putting myself through this bullshit? i know i'm supposed to keep the faith~~ and just believe~~ and have hope. but i know how this ends (how it always ends), and i'm sick of the same shit on repeat. and if you've been reading my lj for the past few years, you probably are too.
so why am i even talking about it?
i've been thinking about louis lately. i know, you're rolling your eyes and sighing and being all disappointed, but it's not something i can control. this morning, at like 5am, in that place where i'm not really asleep and not really awake and my mind just wanders and creates fantasies all on its own and i just watch the pictures float by, i can't control it. i don't really want to set the whole scene, but the basics of it: i was about to stiffly walk away from an explosive situation, and he accused me of running away. he said that i always make up excuses not to do shit that i should be doing, shit that i need to do.
i don't know. he always plays that role in my not-quite-waking dreams. he always says some seriously inappropriate, seriously hurtful, but really fucking true shit.
i am afraid that he's right. and, being that he was not in my actual brain, that must have come from my own thoughts. my personal ideals for 2010 are learning how to listen to myself, and all that that entails.
i am full of excuses and hesitations and insecurities and fears and lingering hurts. i am full of shit.
wish me luck.
like maybe, if i never try to make someone mine, if i never push for what i want, if i just lurk in the background nursing my love/crushes/friendlove for someone without making a move to keep these things alive, without trying to have it grow into what my fantasies assure me could be fucking real and good. like if i never push, it won't hurt so much when i am invariably denied.
but it always hurts anyway. it hurts when i try and it hurts when i don't. the only difference is that when i try, everyone can see my humiliation. and when i don't try, that shame is my own; my secret to tend to and keep to myself.
and it just looks so fucking easy for everyone else (i know that's an illusion, but i can't help seeing it that way) and everyone around me swears that all i have to do is put myself out there~~ and have more confidence~~ as if that made any kind of difference when i tried it in the past. and i'm supposed to, what? just keep putting myself through this bullshit? i know i'm supposed to keep the faith~~ and just believe~~ and have hope. but i know how this ends (how it always ends), and i'm sick of the same shit on repeat. and if you've been reading my lj for the past few years, you probably are too.
so why am i even talking about it?
i've been thinking about louis lately. i know, you're rolling your eyes and sighing and being all disappointed, but it's not something i can control. this morning, at like 5am, in that place where i'm not really asleep and not really awake and my mind just wanders and creates fantasies all on its own and i just watch the pictures float by, i can't control it. i don't really want to set the whole scene, but the basics of it: i was about to stiffly walk away from an explosive situation, and he accused me of running away. he said that i always make up excuses not to do shit that i should be doing, shit that i need to do.
i don't know. he always plays that role in my not-quite-waking dreams. he always says some seriously inappropriate, seriously hurtful, but really fucking true shit.
i am afraid that he's right. and, being that he was not in my actual brain, that must have come from my own thoughts. my personal ideals for 2010 are learning how to listen to myself, and all that that entails.
i am full of excuses and hesitations and insecurities and fears and lingering hurts. i am full of shit.
wish me luck.