don't be shy; give it a try. i could be yours and you could be mine
HI FRIENDS.
semester's been over for a while, and i've been so incredibly slothful ever since. during the semester i'm always thinking of all the cool things i'm gonna do during break, and then break comes and i'm like what shall i do now?? OH MAYBE A NAP *SNORES*.
but i haven't been completely antisocial. thursday night alison o. and i went to the crib and i ran into paco and marcus and chris there. that shit was crazy, but i kinda saw it coming. it was good to see them. but dude! the club just didn't feel right without austin and lex and edgar and nelson and will and darbrielle and liam and john, SIGH. i'm not sure i can articulate how much i appreciated them and everyone else making pride weekend so fucking awesome. they literally brought the fun with them. they should all live in the bay so that we can always, always hang out. or something.
friday afternoon i lay under the willow tree alone and felt kindof. alone and sad. but then alison d-g came over, we smoked and hung out, then chloe and erlinda picked us up and we hung out with them for hella long. chloe and erlinda are megacute together and i really like erlinda. she's fucking hilarious, like unexpectedly funny. and hanging around them makes me really want a girlfriend. like, a lot. but i already wanted one, so it doubles or something. erlinda taught me how to roll a blunt (and i'm fucking awful at it, jesus). i stayed over that night and we watched Flying Daggers or whatever (don't even get me started on that film).
saturday i took a 4 hour nap or someshit and was thrown off for the rest of the day. but then arturo aske dif i wanted to go see Angels and Demons with him and sarah so i went. they both decided to text kory to brag that they were hanging out with me lol. apparently she's possessive of my friendship and it's so funny. ilher. oh and the fineass man from our gender and womyn's studies class last semester was there, bein fine as hell with his girlfriend. sarah was bein a little hater (as per usual) and it was hilarious.
today yuki had a barbecue at her partner's house and it was mega fun. the other people there were all people i lived on the same floor with in the dorms my first semester at cal. it was so interesting to be there hanging out with them.
the point is, i'm chillin and hangin out with people and it feels good. =)
so! i'm having gender issues still again. and when niki went into Target for a minute, grandma kindof attacked me. she was like "so. i know you're doing the whole all natural thing, right?" and that's really not how i would refer to it, but sure, whatever. "why? i just wanna know why." (i'm starting to recognize this statement for what it is: 'i'm just asking so that i can try to rip your personal reasons to shreds while trying to make you feel like an idiot.' but still this is grandma and i want to be respectful to her and i don't want to argue with her, you know?) so i told her about how i found myself being afraid of my body, of the hair that comes out of it, of my natural curves and smells. and i knew that i needed to change something so that i could stop being afraid.
her response was basically "well, you've done that. and you're not afraid. so why don't you stop?" ((which roughly translates in my head to: well, yea, but you're ugly now.)) she then started going on about how i'm such a beautiful, feminine girl ((my Gender and Womyn's Studies insides actually cringed at the flippant use of the f-bomb, wtf!)) and how she used to be so excited to see me on holidays because i used to do my hair and dress up and wear heels and blahblah you get where i'm going with this, right? grandma wants me to quit being like this
and somehow magically go back to this
and she especially mentioned this last photo. i remember how excited i had been that i had convinced mom to buy this for me. i got up in the middle of christmas, ran to the bathroom to change into it, and modeled for everyone in the den.
important note: the first chunk of photos have all been taken within the last 7 months. the second half were all taken before i was 18, mostly on special occasions.
i guess it's not some deep revelation that grandma doesn't like the way i'm growing up. i guess i shouldn't be stacking so much angst on this. but seriously? i felt fucking insulted. how dare she? i wanted to fucking cry, not because she doesn't appreciate me, but because i have mountains of respect for this womyn. she is a total inspiration, but i felt so fucking disappointed i didn't know what to do.
i still don't know what to do. she want me to trim my little goatee and i know i can't talk to anyone in my family about it because they want it gone too. i really just don't think it's fair that people feel like they have so much of a say in what i do or don't do with my body. this isn't even tattoos and piercings we're talking about here (although those are also points of contention with my family; grandma in particular is begging me to take out my nose ring and replace it with a stud), this is personal decisions like shaving and plucking and trimming and wearing bras and heels.
and this isn't just family, because did i forget to mention how this girl and this guy were trying to hit on me and liam at pride and at one point they stopped and started going back and forth about whether or not i was a guy? did i also leave out the bit where some fucking drunkass womyn at the hip hop tent told me i would look "so much beautiful" without my little goatee? and let's not forget this trick. i'm not gonna get into the stares i get walking down the street daily, here or in Long Beach.
honestly, these things don't always bother me. and you know what? i think i'm sexy as all hell, some days. and some people actually think i'm megacool and inspiring. so no, it's not all bad.
but it's bad enough. i'm sick of people thinking they have the right to tell me what to do. i'm sick of feeling like everything i do is a statement for people to comment on.
liam told me it's not my job to try and fix the world. he says that everything i do should be about me and not about inspiring people or making a statement or challenging people to think differently. i guess he just doesn't understand that someone has to do something, or things will never change. i guess he doesn't get that changing people's minds in small ways and challenging people is about me.
i guess the point of all this is basically that people are stressin me. and i'm kindof really sick of it. but if i changed and made them stop, would it really make me happy? (rhetorical question. implication: you and i know the answer.) so why even mention it? sometimes it's hard, i guess, and i just need to rant about it.
p.s. one of my favorite professors added me on facebook. like, she sent me a friends request. i feel to ~speshul.
also, i need to declare my major soon or i'll be dropped from my thesis class. oops.
semester's been over for a while, and i've been so incredibly slothful ever since. during the semester i'm always thinking of all the cool things i'm gonna do during break, and then break comes and i'm like what shall i do now?? OH MAYBE A NAP *SNORES*.
but i haven't been completely antisocial. thursday night alison o. and i went to the crib and i ran into paco and marcus and chris there. that shit was crazy, but i kinda saw it coming. it was good to see them. but dude! the club just didn't feel right without austin and lex and edgar and nelson and will and darbrielle and liam and john, SIGH. i'm not sure i can articulate how much i appreciated them and everyone else making pride weekend so fucking awesome. they literally brought the fun with them. they should all live in the bay so that we can always, always hang out. or something.
friday afternoon i lay under the willow tree alone and felt kindof. alone and sad. but then alison d-g came over, we smoked and hung out, then chloe and erlinda picked us up and we hung out with them for hella long. chloe and erlinda are megacute together and i really like erlinda. she's fucking hilarious, like unexpectedly funny. and hanging around them makes me really want a girlfriend. like, a lot. but i already wanted one, so it doubles or something. erlinda taught me how to roll a blunt (and i'm fucking awful at it, jesus). i stayed over that night and we watched Flying Daggers or whatever (don't even get me started on that film).
saturday i took a 4 hour nap or someshit and was thrown off for the rest of the day. but then arturo aske dif i wanted to go see Angels and Demons with him and sarah so i went. they both decided to text kory to brag that they were hanging out with me lol. apparently she's possessive of my friendship and it's so funny. ilher. oh and the fineass man from our gender and womyn's studies class last semester was there, bein fine as hell with his girlfriend. sarah was bein a little hater (as per usual) and it was hilarious.
today yuki had a barbecue at her partner's house and it was mega fun. the other people there were all people i lived on the same floor with in the dorms my first semester at cal. it was so interesting to be there hanging out with them.
the point is, i'm chillin and hangin out with people and it feels good. =)
so! i'm having gender issues still again. and when niki went into Target for a minute, grandma kindof attacked me. she was like "so. i know you're doing the whole all natural thing, right?" and that's really not how i would refer to it, but sure, whatever. "why? i just wanna know why." (i'm starting to recognize this statement for what it is: 'i'm just asking so that i can try to rip your personal reasons to shreds while trying to make you feel like an idiot.' but still this is grandma and i want to be respectful to her and i don't want to argue with her, you know?) so i told her about how i found myself being afraid of my body, of the hair that comes out of it, of my natural curves and smells. and i knew that i needed to change something so that i could stop being afraid.
her response was basically "well, you've done that. and you're not afraid. so why don't you stop?" ((which roughly translates in my head to: well, yea, but you're ugly now.)) she then started going on about how i'm such a beautiful, feminine girl ((my Gender and Womyn's Studies insides actually cringed at the flippant use of the f-bomb, wtf!)) and how she used to be so excited to see me on holidays because i used to do my hair and dress up and wear heels and blahblah you get where i'm going with this, right? grandma wants me to quit being like this
and somehow magically go back to this
and she especially mentioned this last photo. i remember how excited i had been that i had convinced mom to buy this for me. i got up in the middle of christmas, ran to the bathroom to change into it, and modeled for everyone in the den.
important note: the first chunk of photos have all been taken within the last 7 months. the second half were all taken before i was 18, mostly on special occasions.
i guess it's not some deep revelation that grandma doesn't like the way i'm growing up. i guess i shouldn't be stacking so much angst on this. but seriously? i felt fucking insulted. how dare she? i wanted to fucking cry, not because she doesn't appreciate me, but because i have mountains of respect for this womyn. she is a total inspiration, but i felt so fucking disappointed i didn't know what to do.
i still don't know what to do. she want me to trim my little goatee and i know i can't talk to anyone in my family about it because they want it gone too. i really just don't think it's fair that people feel like they have so much of a say in what i do or don't do with my body. this isn't even tattoos and piercings we're talking about here (although those are also points of contention with my family; grandma in particular is begging me to take out my nose ring and replace it with a stud), this is personal decisions like shaving and plucking and trimming and wearing bras and heels.
and this isn't just family, because did i forget to mention how this girl and this guy were trying to hit on me and liam at pride and at one point they stopped and started going back and forth about whether or not i was a guy? did i also leave out the bit where some fucking drunkass womyn at the hip hop tent told me i would look "so much beautiful" without my little goatee? and let's not forget this trick. i'm not gonna get into the stares i get walking down the street daily, here or in Long Beach.
honestly, these things don't always bother me. and you know what? i think i'm sexy as all hell, some days. and some people actually think i'm megacool and inspiring. so no, it's not all bad.
but it's bad enough. i'm sick of people thinking they have the right to tell me what to do. i'm sick of feeling like everything i do is a statement for people to comment on.
liam told me it's not my job to try and fix the world. he says that everything i do should be about me and not about inspiring people or making a statement or challenging people to think differently. i guess he just doesn't understand that someone has to do something, or things will never change. i guess he doesn't get that changing people's minds in small ways and challenging people is about me.
i guess the point of all this is basically that people are stressin me. and i'm kindof really sick of it. but if i changed and made them stop, would it really make me happy? (rhetorical question. implication: you and i know the answer.) so why even mention it? sometimes it's hard, i guess, and i just need to rant about it.
p.s. one of my favorite professors added me on facebook. like, she sent me a friends request. i feel to ~speshul.
also, i need to declare my major soon or i'll be dropped from my thesis class. oops.