confessions of a messy but literate waste of money
I decided to see how many days my mother can go without mentioning how much money i'm costing her. So far her record is zero. zero days. I thought I might start counting conversations, except its hard to figure out what counts as a conversation when so few words pass between us.
In reality about 90% of our interactions (if not more) involve at least one of the following 1)her telling me how expensive I am. 2)her repremanding/teasing-me-in-a-way-intended-as-a-thinly-veiled-repremand about my leaving something not cleaned. 3)asking me to edit something.
I've been trying really hard. Really hard. And I know this all isn't easy for them either. They're not used to having me around the same as I"m not used to having them. and I am costing them alot of money. When I stopped being a full-time student I dropped off my mother's health insurence so now their paying COBRA for me. And Because of the way brown figures out financial aid, i'll be recieving nothing because of the timing of my final year. and i'm making very little. And I appreciate it, really i do. And I asked them honestly, meaningfully, so many times before I made my semester off official, if it really would be ok. And they assured me it would. Now I don't have a choice. and neither do they. And I know my brother's getting married, which is stressful enough on them. They've been acting less like assholes about it than any of us expected. But its still stressful, not to mention expensive.
But I don't like being told, scolded, teased, not-so-casually casually remaked to like I was some impluse buy. Like my father bought a snow mobile or something hilariously impractical and useless and expensive. I've been trying. really trying to be a good daughter. Trying in a way that I had never done before, like a cared again, like I wanted to make this fucked up excuse for a family function again. ANd I've swallowed so damn much. Because i'm trying to understand. Because in many ways I do.
But I just hate living here. and the prospect of so many months sprawled in front of me is overwhelming.
Maybe it's just the hormones. Or the weather.
I'm quite sure I'll be fine in the morning, or at least busier.
In reality about 90% of our interactions (if not more) involve at least one of the following 1)her telling me how expensive I am. 2)her repremanding/teasing-me-in-a-way-intended-as-a-thinly-veiled-repremand about my leaving something not cleaned. 3)asking me to edit something.
I've been trying really hard. Really hard. And I know this all isn't easy for them either. They're not used to having me around the same as I"m not used to having them. and I am costing them alot of money. When I stopped being a full-time student I dropped off my mother's health insurence so now their paying COBRA for me. And Because of the way brown figures out financial aid, i'll be recieving nothing because of the timing of my final year. and i'm making very little. And I appreciate it, really i do. And I asked them honestly, meaningfully, so many times before I made my semester off official, if it really would be ok. And they assured me it would. Now I don't have a choice. and neither do they. And I know my brother's getting married, which is stressful enough on them. They've been acting less like assholes about it than any of us expected. But its still stressful, not to mention expensive.
But I don't like being told, scolded, teased, not-so-casually casually remaked to like I was some impluse buy. Like my father bought a snow mobile or something hilariously impractical and useless and expensive. I've been trying. really trying to be a good daughter. Trying in a way that I had never done before, like a cared again, like I wanted to make this fucked up excuse for a family function again. ANd I've swallowed so damn much. Because i'm trying to understand. Because in many ways I do.
But I just hate living here. and the prospect of so many months sprawled in front of me is overwhelming.
Maybe it's just the hormones. Or the weather.
I'm quite sure I'll be fine in the morning, or at least busier.