i give to you, god, my grief.
nola was great. the kids got to spend time with rory, ronan & riley, which makes my heart happy. the parades were fun, the throws were abundant, the food was reliably wonderful, and the city is still there and still loved. i have promised myself that i won't stay away for so long, and will make every effort to take the kids back annually for mardi gras. it had been three years for us as a family since we'd gone. bela has missed it terribly, and wanted, from the moment we stepped out of the airport, to move back. i understand that desire, and feel it myself, but i also have determined how important it is for them to have their father, and our life here in denver allows them to have both of us. i, myself, am not really sure where i want to be, but i also know i have plenty of time to decide, and change my mind, and go where the wind blows me later. i always said a piece of my heart would remain in nola, and that is more true now than ever. i met with james' father, and gave back the ring. it was not uncomfortable, and i'm ok with not having it anymore. i think that i feel a little lighter, an almost impercetible weight that has been lifted, not carrying it anymore. i have the memories, and that is better.
plans to go back in november, for the year anniversary, to spend some time alone. thinking of checking in to the st james hotel for a few days, to reflect, wander, and just simply... love. myself, him, the city, the food, the river, the breeze, the music. spend some time journaling, praying, whatever it is one does when they're alone and without demands... a state that i rarely get to experience in my hectic life.
lent has begun. i went to mass last night after work, school (and a midterm), and got ashes for the very first time. i cried through mass, silently... sometimes it's still difficult. janie met me there, and we went to black eyed pea afterwards as her husband jim was at a knights of columbus meeting. i ate a small dinner of veggies, and she had a margarita. my wonderful, lively, godparent-to-be. i can't imagine a better role model for loving and appreciating life and making the most of what we're given. she asked if she could pay for my dinner to join her friday for the knights of columbus fish fry in the school cafeteria at church. i'd already planned to go, as it's something i look forward to now each lent. we also have a tomb, a big hollow rock, in the church. we're to write whatever it is we wish to give up (or let go of) to god on a piece of paper and throw it in, and leave it there. i asked janie what she's going to put in there, and she wrote, "That tomb is not big enough for all I should put in there! My biggest problem is what to do about all the problems I can’t do any thing about. I worry about so many things I have no control over. I have to give some serious thought to what exactly I’m going to put in there. The shredder doesn’t seem to make them disappear any better. I just have to keep trying. I don’t feel so bad about the margarita. The Knights had beer at their meeting!" she'd told me last night that she sometimes writes her worries on paper and puts them in the shredder at work. my first thought... what i'd write on that piece of paper... is "i give to you, god, my grief, please take it, but i keep my love." the problem is that without the love, what becomes of the grief, and without the grief, what becomes of the love? how to separate them? it's because i love that i grieve... i just need help loving without grief. it's getting better.
two more midterms next week. i made the decision yesterday to drop my thurs night medieval women class. i had taken it as an elective, not required for my degree. it's too much. i'm not crazy about the professor, and i feel ... uncomfortable ... in that class. uninterested, disconnected. the problem, i think, is that i took it as a religious studies course, but it's cross-listed in three different departments and is taught as more of an english literature course, with a specialty in england/english lit since that's the professor's background. my interest in the course was more religious studies and french liternature, which i'm not getting from it (other than the fact that i have several books from the required material that i can read independently with far more satisfaction). it won't hurt my financial aid, and i'd rather drop now than end up doing half-assed work in that, or all of, my classes. it will give me more time to focus on the other three, and will mean i only have to go to campus twice a week (m, w) rather than three days. it'll also give me back thurs nights to study and work on papers for the other three classes, which right now feel terribly overwhelming considering i only have 8 weeks of school left this semester. just have to get the drop form signed tonight and turn it in to administration. one less midterm, final, project and paper that i have to study for and stress over.
i have spring break mar 21-25, and the kids are on spring break (and with their dad) the following week mar 28-apr 1, so i have intentions of relaxing, cleaning, enjoying some wine, films, and cooking. i'd also really like to pull out the bikes from storage and get my brakes adjusted. with spring and summer approaching, i'd like to visit the rec center more and ride. i have summer on cap hill to look forward to! and with the principle payment i made to my car loan, i only have 2-3 mos of car payments and tuition payments for the kids remaining, and then a huge sigh of financial relief! plus, no school for me this summer, and only half time in fall. life, only more manageable.
plans to go back in november, for the year anniversary, to spend some time alone. thinking of checking in to the st james hotel for a few days, to reflect, wander, and just simply... love. myself, him, the city, the food, the river, the breeze, the music. spend some time journaling, praying, whatever it is one does when they're alone and without demands... a state that i rarely get to experience in my hectic life.
lent has begun. i went to mass last night after work, school (and a midterm), and got ashes for the very first time. i cried through mass, silently... sometimes it's still difficult. janie met me there, and we went to black eyed pea afterwards as her husband jim was at a knights of columbus meeting. i ate a small dinner of veggies, and she had a margarita. my wonderful, lively, godparent-to-be. i can't imagine a better role model for loving and appreciating life and making the most of what we're given. she asked if she could pay for my dinner to join her friday for the knights of columbus fish fry in the school cafeteria at church. i'd already planned to go, as it's something i look forward to now each lent. we also have a tomb, a big hollow rock, in the church. we're to write whatever it is we wish to give up (or let go of) to god on a piece of paper and throw it in, and leave it there. i asked janie what she's going to put in there, and she wrote, "That tomb is not big enough for all I should put in there! My biggest problem is what to do about all the problems I can’t do any thing about. I worry about so many things I have no control over. I have to give some serious thought to what exactly I’m going to put in there. The shredder doesn’t seem to make them disappear any better. I just have to keep trying. I don’t feel so bad about the margarita. The Knights had beer at their meeting!" she'd told me last night that she sometimes writes her worries on paper and puts them in the shredder at work. my first thought... what i'd write on that piece of paper... is "i give to you, god, my grief, please take it, but i keep my love." the problem is that without the love, what becomes of the grief, and without the grief, what becomes of the love? how to separate them? it's because i love that i grieve... i just need help loving without grief. it's getting better.
two more midterms next week. i made the decision yesterday to drop my thurs night medieval women class. i had taken it as an elective, not required for my degree. it's too much. i'm not crazy about the professor, and i feel ... uncomfortable ... in that class. uninterested, disconnected. the problem, i think, is that i took it as a religious studies course, but it's cross-listed in three different departments and is taught as more of an english literature course, with a specialty in england/english lit since that's the professor's background. my interest in the course was more religious studies and french liternature, which i'm not getting from it (other than the fact that i have several books from the required material that i can read independently with far more satisfaction). it won't hurt my financial aid, and i'd rather drop now than end up doing half-assed work in that, or all of, my classes. it will give me more time to focus on the other three, and will mean i only have to go to campus twice a week (m, w) rather than three days. it'll also give me back thurs nights to study and work on papers for the other three classes, which right now feel terribly overwhelming considering i only have 8 weeks of school left this semester. just have to get the drop form signed tonight and turn it in to administration. one less midterm, final, project and paper that i have to study for and stress over.
i have spring break mar 21-25, and the kids are on spring break (and with their dad) the following week mar 28-apr 1, so i have intentions of relaxing, cleaning, enjoying some wine, films, and cooking. i'd also really like to pull out the bikes from storage and get my brakes adjusted. with spring and summer approaching, i'd like to visit the rec center more and ride. i have summer on cap hill to look forward to! and with the principle payment i made to my car loan, i only have 2-3 mos of car payments and tuition payments for the kids remaining, and then a huge sigh of financial relief! plus, no school for me this summer, and only half time in fall. life, only more manageable.