i feel like i've been in a coma for the past 20 years. and i'm just now waking up.
every time i watch "American Beauty", i get a refreshed sense of myself.
yesterday i was angry - at just about anything and everything. the last week, i'd been letting the slightest annoyances overwhelm me. a woman backing her car out of a parking spot who could have hit me had i not stopped for her; she didn't seem phased by the inconvenience her obliviousness caused me. a young guy in a restaurant a few days ago who didn't have the respect for other customers nor the restaurant owners to make the simple, yet powerful gesture, of removing his hat while he ate; would i have even noticed any other day, and why was i so thoroughly irked by it that day in particular?
little things. tiny things. things that happen all the time and that you learn to just let go. things that you're taught to just let go. yet it took every ounce of restraint in me to get through these and similar incidents. i don't know why, but i felt fed up with the entire "just let it go" philosophy. i felt impudent. offended. impatient. and unforgiving.
i truly felt unable, and perhaps what's more, unwilling to let go. furthermore, i felt put out that i was expected to shrug off these things that got under my skin! i felt even angrier that we're always told to "let it go", of these things that should not be, but always are. these have been the kinds of things eating away at me lately. depressing me. consuming me. until i feel i'm either going to cry, puke, or scream.
i have to think that because there are people like myself in the world who dedicate their lives to picking up pieces - people who refuse to "let it go" or wait for someone else to do the dirty work - that yea, to an extent, these feelings of anger and frustration and annoyance are normal. but what had me worried yesterday was that my anger was controlling me. it got to the point where i didn't want to leave the house. i was becoming afraid of my own anger.
so i watch "American Beauty". for the last 2 years, Lester Burnham has been my go-to-guide. it reminds me to chill the fuck out. it reminds me to take everything in stride. it reminds me to focus on the important shit only, and the shit that is important to me.
and no matter how many times i've seen it, there is still 1 scene that never fails to hit the hardest: when Lester asks Angela, "How's Jane?"
"She's really happy...she thinks she's in love." maybe its the genuineness of the emotion on Lester's face, right before he smiles the words "Good for her", that always gets me. perhaps it's the portrayed joy a father can feel simply knowing that his daughter is in a good place. maybe it's the load-lightening sigh that he lets out as he smiles upon hearing this good news. i'm not quite sure how to describe what it is, but for whatever reason(s), the scene always gets to me.
the whole movie makes me feel this sense of calm. maybe that was Alan Ball's idea. communicating reassurance while encouraging self-assessment, through the devices of comedic exposure and timely tragedy.
anyway, it was just what i needed.
yesterday i was angry - at just about anything and everything. the last week, i'd been letting the slightest annoyances overwhelm me. a woman backing her car out of a parking spot who could have hit me had i not stopped for her; she didn't seem phased by the inconvenience her obliviousness caused me. a young guy in a restaurant a few days ago who didn't have the respect for other customers nor the restaurant owners to make the simple, yet powerful gesture, of removing his hat while he ate; would i have even noticed any other day, and why was i so thoroughly irked by it that day in particular?
little things. tiny things. things that happen all the time and that you learn to just let go. things that you're taught to just let go. yet it took every ounce of restraint in me to get through these and similar incidents. i don't know why, but i felt fed up with the entire "just let it go" philosophy. i felt impudent. offended. impatient. and unforgiving.
i truly felt unable, and perhaps what's more, unwilling to let go. furthermore, i felt put out that i was expected to shrug off these things that got under my skin! i felt even angrier that we're always told to "let it go", of these things that should not be, but always are. these have been the kinds of things eating away at me lately. depressing me. consuming me. until i feel i'm either going to cry, puke, or scream.
i have to think that because there are people like myself in the world who dedicate their lives to picking up pieces - people who refuse to "let it go" or wait for someone else to do the dirty work - that yea, to an extent, these feelings of anger and frustration and annoyance are normal. but what had me worried yesterday was that my anger was controlling me. it got to the point where i didn't want to leave the house. i was becoming afraid of my own anger.
so i watch "American Beauty". for the last 2 years, Lester Burnham has been my go-to-guide. it reminds me to chill the fuck out. it reminds me to take everything in stride. it reminds me to focus on the important shit only, and the shit that is important to me.
and no matter how many times i've seen it, there is still 1 scene that never fails to hit the hardest: when Lester asks Angela, "How's Jane?"
"She's really happy...she thinks she's in love." maybe its the genuineness of the emotion on Lester's face, right before he smiles the words "Good for her", that always gets me. perhaps it's the portrayed joy a father can feel simply knowing that his daughter is in a good place. maybe it's the load-lightening sigh that he lets out as he smiles upon hearing this good news. i'm not quite sure how to describe what it is, but for whatever reason(s), the scene always gets to me.
the whole movie makes me feel this sense of calm. maybe that was Alan Ball's idea. communicating reassurance while encouraging self-assessment, through the devices of comedic exposure and timely tragedy.
anyway, it was just what i needed.