Schlocky Horror Movies, or How I wasted a Good Weekend :(
This weekend I finally decided to watch some films that, although I'd heard a lot about, had never actually seen (except two).
Regret mostly. Lots of regret for wasting perfectly good time I could have put to better use.
I've been a great fan of the horror genre since television had those clunky knobs for changing the channels and... most of these films really didn't work for me.
Not because they were bad or really dull (except a couple), but they tried to go over the top and crashed spectacularly against the brick wall (when man pics were taken, passed around and posted).
Righto, let's get the list rolling:
* High Intensity - Heard a lot about this little French creeper, and it was difficult to find but I finally found it.
Was working rather nicely as a thriller/slasher. Tense, exciting... until the ending. It went from a complete "Ohwow!!" to "Awhhellnoyoudidnotjustdothat!!!!"
And there went a good 90 minutes or so.
* Cannibal Holocaust - This is one of those "Its been banned in Europe, so it must be terrifying!" films out there.
I had seen this supposed schlock fest years ago, but had forgotten all about it, so I decided to give it a second view in the hope that it had improved with time. And... nope, didn't improve at all. Its slow, throws in gore and graphic scenes for no good reason and if anything it teaches the viewer one important lesson already imparted by Public Enemy: Don't believe the hype.
It made me hate the main protagonists even more. Everyone gets their just desserts in the end.
90 more minutes gone.
* Wishmaster - A nice Horror/Fantasy film from Wes Craven.
It feels slow and a bit dated. Did not care for any of the main characters but it was creative, and fun to watch.
90 Minutes not too badly spent.
* Martyrs - Gah! One of those "we're trying to push the boundaries of horror into art!" flicks that try to disguise torture/snuff with some half baked plot. I do NOT condone, enjoy or recommend torture/snuff hidden as horror films to anyone.
Hostel, Saw, Centipede. Keep them away from me.
Watched probably 10 mins, fast forwarded a lot. Switched it off. I was told there'd be horror and all I found was gratuituous trash.
* Black Christmas - Creepy disturbing and it was doing well, until the finale.
Then it descended into the usually predictable cookie cutter ending that made me vow never to watch it again.
* The Woman in Black (remake) - I did not enjoy the book, at all. It went on and on and failed to build any atmosphere.
The film version however was frightening and I enjoyed it greatly.
And along comes this remake that, while offering some beautiful settings and characters, possesses as much gothic/eerie atmosphere as a cardboard box. I've no idea if it was the CGI effects, they were obtrusive but not overpowering, or that the director couldn't quite grasp the mood required.
Whatever the case, it was a film that would have been great but missed out.
Interesting movie, but I could have used the time for writing or hunting Albino Scorpions in Fallout 3.
* Derranged - Damn! This is an old film but for some reason I'd never heard of it. Its disturbing and sad in a way.
The commentator that appears from time to time... someone should have done a Monty Python and the Holy Grail on him.
Why did we need a commentator? Why?
Interesting, yeah. Horrifying, no. Creepy... not really.
* From Dusk Til Dawn - Awesome craziness! Great cast, effects a bit dated now but still good, and vampires.
Loathed Tarantino's character but its not a perfect film.
90 minutes of vampires, shotguns and psychos.
* House of Wax - I've really, really, really tried to enjoy this film but nope, it doesn't work.
The characters aren't interesting, the idea is good but... the wax people had more delivery.
90 minutes I could have wasted trying to find Crow's body in Fallout3.
* The Descent - Did not like this one at all.
A group of idiots trapped in a network of tunnels, get dispatched by creepies who seem to survive on local idiots and poor scripts.
I've heard there are alternative endings for this film but no ending would save it. Just let it lie buried.
90 more minutes gone.
*Wrong Turn 2 - So so, and overall not particularly interesting.
More murderous cannibalistic hilbilly madness, this time with escaped convicts.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on you for making a pretty average film and expecting big things.
Should have known better than to fall for sequelitis.
Overall rather unexciting.
But there was pizza!
Regret mostly. Lots of regret for wasting perfectly good time I could have put to better use.
I've been a great fan of the horror genre since television had those clunky knobs for changing the channels and... most of these films really didn't work for me.
Not because they were bad or really dull (except a couple), but they tried to go over the top and crashed spectacularly against the brick wall (when man pics were taken, passed around and posted).
Righto, let's get the list rolling:
* High Intensity - Heard a lot about this little French creeper, and it was difficult to find but I finally found it.
Was working rather nicely as a thriller/slasher. Tense, exciting... until the ending. It went from a complete "Ohwow!!" to "Awhhellnoyoudidnotjustdothat!!!!"
And there went a good 90 minutes or so.
* Cannibal Holocaust - This is one of those "Its been banned in Europe, so it must be terrifying!" films out there.
I had seen this supposed schlock fest years ago, but had forgotten all about it, so I decided to give it a second view in the hope that it had improved with time. And... nope, didn't improve at all. Its slow, throws in gore and graphic scenes for no good reason and if anything it teaches the viewer one important lesson already imparted by Public Enemy: Don't believe the hype.
It made me hate the main protagonists even more. Everyone gets their just desserts in the end.
90 more minutes gone.
* Wishmaster - A nice Horror/Fantasy film from Wes Craven.
It feels slow and a bit dated. Did not care for any of the main characters but it was creative, and fun to watch.
90 Minutes not too badly spent.
* Martyrs - Gah! One of those "we're trying to push the boundaries of horror into art!" flicks that try to disguise torture/snuff with some half baked plot. I do NOT condone, enjoy or recommend torture/snuff hidden as horror films to anyone.
Hostel, Saw, Centipede. Keep them away from me.
Watched probably 10 mins, fast forwarded a lot. Switched it off. I was told there'd be horror and all I found was gratuituous trash.
* Black Christmas - Creepy disturbing and it was doing well, until the finale.
Then it descended into the usually predictable cookie cutter ending that made me vow never to watch it again.
* The Woman in Black (remake) - I did not enjoy the book, at all. It went on and on and failed to build any atmosphere.
The film version however was frightening and I enjoyed it greatly.
And along comes this remake that, while offering some beautiful settings and characters, possesses as much gothic/eerie atmosphere as a cardboard box. I've no idea if it was the CGI effects, they were obtrusive but not overpowering, or that the director couldn't quite grasp the mood required.
Whatever the case, it was a film that would have been great but missed out.
Interesting movie, but I could have used the time for writing or hunting Albino Scorpions in Fallout 3.
* Derranged - Damn! This is an old film but for some reason I'd never heard of it. Its disturbing and sad in a way.
The commentator that appears from time to time... someone should have done a Monty Python and the Holy Grail on him.
Why did we need a commentator? Why?
Interesting, yeah. Horrifying, no. Creepy... not really.
* From Dusk Til Dawn - Awesome craziness! Great cast, effects a bit dated now but still good, and vampires.
Loathed Tarantino's character but its not a perfect film.
90 minutes of vampires, shotguns and psychos.
* House of Wax - I've really, really, really tried to enjoy this film but nope, it doesn't work.
The characters aren't interesting, the idea is good but... the wax people had more delivery.
90 minutes I could have wasted trying to find Crow's body in Fallout3.
* The Descent - Did not like this one at all.
A group of idiots trapped in a network of tunnels, get dispatched by creepies who seem to survive on local idiots and poor scripts.
I've heard there are alternative endings for this film but no ending would save it. Just let it lie buried.
90 more minutes gone.
*Wrong Turn 2 - So so, and overall not particularly interesting.
More murderous cannibalistic hilbilly madness, this time with escaped convicts.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on you for making a pretty average film and expecting big things.
Should have known better than to fall for sequelitis.
Overall rather unexciting.
But there was pizza!