i don't know how to deal anymore except to just become numb.
drunken rage is over. uncomfortable numbness has settled in. i really don't know how to deal anymore. i just wrote some shit, and then deleted it all. i can't even express myself right now. i don't know what to say anymore. i can respond to shit. but it seems so pointless. and useless. and ultimately wrong. i don't know what the answers are anymore. what i do know is that right now i have an immense feeling of disconnection from people. i am not connected to the people who voted for bush. i'm not connected to most of the people who voted for kerry. there is no conversation there. there is no conversation anywhere. instead of trying to understand our common values and work from them, we just polarize, and hate, and tell people they're stupid. instead of trying to understand why we failed, we say bush voters failed. we say non-voters failed. we say the youth failed. i don't really understand that.
i have such intense feelings of despair right now. this was supposed to be our chance to turn things around. and it failed horribly. i expected this to happen. so why am i so affected? i don't know. all i know is that i wish i had some way to cope or deal with all of this shit besides downing a drink or smoking a fag. but it's so hard for me to talk about this. so hard to express what's going through my head right now. talking isn't helping. i just really need someone. someone to hold, and to hold me.
or is that just another crutch? is that just another way of ignoring the problem and hiding in my own world? probably. but it's certainly better than getting drunk. at least until i figure out what i can do. if anything. but it doesn't matter, because i don't have anyone anyway.
god i cant wait til this paralysis goes away. i really can't deal with this.
i hope le tigre makes things better tomorrow. i think i need the weekend. i think i need to find a way to not need the weekend so badly anymore. this is not how life should be. this is not how i want it to be.
/existential despair.
/pointless rambling that will never express what i want it to.
i have such intense feelings of despair right now. this was supposed to be our chance to turn things around. and it failed horribly. i expected this to happen. so why am i so affected? i don't know. all i know is that i wish i had some way to cope or deal with all of this shit besides downing a drink or smoking a fag. but it's so hard for me to talk about this. so hard to express what's going through my head right now. talking isn't helping. i just really need someone. someone to hold, and to hold me.
or is that just another crutch? is that just another way of ignoring the problem and hiding in my own world? probably. but it's certainly better than getting drunk. at least until i figure out what i can do. if anything. but it doesn't matter, because i don't have anyone anyway.
god i cant wait til this paralysis goes away. i really can't deal with this.
i hope le tigre makes things better tomorrow. i think i need the weekend. i think i need to find a way to not need the weekend so badly anymore. this is not how life should be. this is not how i want it to be.
/existential despair.
/pointless rambling that will never express what i want it to.