.rant.
guys either have no interest in me OR they are obsessed and clingy. there is no happy medium.
I do not like this 80 degree weather. It makes me feel guilty for not being outside and I do not want to be outside for several reasons. I am too large to sunbathe without feeling judged. There is no good spot to lay out and read around Lambeth. Laying out tends to be boring...especially because the reading I need to do involves taking notes on.
I felt like a bad person this weekend...but being around my visitor was not fun. He's attractive but I feel nothing for him and I therefore had no interest in cuddling or letting him even touch my shoulder. I was annoyed with his clingyness and couldn't help but express it. And there's no way he had a good time...so I wish I could get my weekend back.
As the semester begins to draw to a close...I begin to feel not-so-happy. (and that has nothing to do with the school work) I feel more insecure than I have recently...especially about friends. This is especially with Lauren and Viki. Lauren seems to ignore me (which I know is just paranoia because she does end up coming over or calling me or whatnot). But at that moment, when I feel ignored, I shut down and act retarded. And Viki...well she's never here. And next year she's living far, far, far away (Japan...sigh). Maybe its jealousy with Viki...well, maybe with both of them. Because they have busy lives. I'm not un-busy...I just have chosen a more leisurely life.
Trying to write my resume was really depressing yesterday (and I still haven't finished). Nothing I've done in my life pertains to what seems to be my future career plans. It is all medical/animal related. And since I was at one place for so long, it is not a very full resume either. I'm supposed to send this resume to someone "as soon as possible" for a potential job working as a camp counsler for mentally handicapped children in Norfolk this summer. Kim has already had an interview with her (she's the one who told me about this job) and I still haven't written my resume. Being at a school like this makes me feel inadequate. Supposedly I should have figured out the rest of my life years ago and started working on my resume then.
And I'm really anxious and worried about this summer. There's no way it can compare to last...
siiigh
I do not like this 80 degree weather. It makes me feel guilty for not being outside and I do not want to be outside for several reasons. I am too large to sunbathe without feeling judged. There is no good spot to lay out and read around Lambeth. Laying out tends to be boring...especially because the reading I need to do involves taking notes on.
I felt like a bad person this weekend...but being around my visitor was not fun. He's attractive but I feel nothing for him and I therefore had no interest in cuddling or letting him even touch my shoulder. I was annoyed with his clingyness and couldn't help but express it. And there's no way he had a good time...so I wish I could get my weekend back.
As the semester begins to draw to a close...I begin to feel not-so-happy. (and that has nothing to do with the school work) I feel more insecure than I have recently...especially about friends. This is especially with Lauren and Viki. Lauren seems to ignore me (which I know is just paranoia because she does end up coming over or calling me or whatnot). But at that moment, when I feel ignored, I shut down and act retarded. And Viki...well she's never here. And next year she's living far, far, far away (Japan...sigh). Maybe its jealousy with Viki...well, maybe with both of them. Because they have busy lives. I'm not un-busy...I just have chosen a more leisurely life.
Trying to write my resume was really depressing yesterday (and I still haven't finished). Nothing I've done in my life pertains to what seems to be my future career plans. It is all medical/animal related. And since I was at one place for so long, it is not a very full resume either. I'm supposed to send this resume to someone "as soon as possible" for a potential job working as a camp counsler for mentally handicapped children in Norfolk this summer. Kim has already had an interview with her (she's the one who told me about this job) and I still haven't written my resume. Being at a school like this makes me feel inadequate. Supposedly I should have figured out the rest of my life years ago and started working on my resume then.
And I'm really anxious and worried about this summer. There's no way it can compare to last...
siiigh