Reflection and introspection
There are some thoughts in my head that seem to be congealing into something articulable and complete. This seems to be a good place to write those down.
Over the last couple years i have been doing some reflection and personal work with the help of mind and body health professionals. The main concerns they have seem to be centered around how I handle stress, or don't. Similar to how I used to be unable to feel how tightly clenched my right foot was, I couldn't tell when I was stressed. Until I broke down, that is. I thought it was normal to have the big dramatic sob-fest that resulted in catharsis and often action. There is usually some kind of trigger that is the preeminent "problem" I am focusing on. And I need to sort through all the other stuff to figure out what the main problem of the month is. Yes, the timing usually coincides with regular hormonal cycles, or power surges as it were (no, not hot flashes yet). I think this timing causes me to feel whatever I'm feeling a bit out of proportion to the actual problem, but that doesn't necessarily diminish the value or importance of the problem.
Since September, I've focused much more on my food intake and how that affects my mood. This has raised my level of awareness significantly. I actually notice when I'm beginning to feel stress and can change how I eat accordingly if that's necessary. I also know that if I've gone without some kind of hard physical activity that is simple (i.e. meditative) I have more built up stress. It's been suggested multiple times that I put some routines in place to build up my emotional reserves, so that when I become depleted I don't become completely depleted and so I have means to refill my stores. It's also important that I have more ways to do this by myself. I know for a fact that it is very easy to keep my emotional reserves full when I am in a satisfyingly affectionate relationship. Unfortunately, most of these have been short and so my opportunity to play with this has been limited. There is nothing quite like the deep validation and relaxation that can come from the close physical presence of another person and the touch that keeps my baby monkey alive in this low-touch society. It's like the difference between self massage and body work done by a professional. I just can't get as deep alone. It's those hugs that just make your whole body go - Aaahhh.... (Arguably... I'm sure there are meditational practices that would come close, but I don't have that kind of discipline yet.)
So:
awareness of stressors - Good, room for improvement
methods to release stress - needs improvement (because what if the pool's closed, the trail is wet or I've just had foot surgery? or I'm sick? Need a few options that are independent of environmental factors and physical ability. Is there a way to approximate full body cardio without stressing out a sore foot?)
methods to add to emotional stores (i.e. still be able to handle shit when it gets hard) - Fair. I think napping and distraction by friends are the most commonly used now.
In the words of my chiropractor - I'm still a time bomb, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and constantly in fight or flight. So I'll be enlisting more consistent professional help to figure out some core things so I see them coming and am prepared to deal with them.
What brought all this on? Dealing with surgery, money, class registration challenges, chores, PMS, having ambitions...in essence being a grownup and being alone...is all very stressful. I have wonderful friends who take good care of me, but I still have just me and my thoughts at night and it's not the same as having a partner in life who can hold you up when you're down, and needs you to do the same when it's their turn.
But you know what else? I scored a TIARA tonight on freecycle. And this will be added to my arsenal of magical objects that give me the super powers to do it all, be a badass, and look amazing doing it. Or you know, just dance around my living room in a tiara. Because I can.
Over the last couple years i have been doing some reflection and personal work with the help of mind and body health professionals. The main concerns they have seem to be centered around how I handle stress, or don't. Similar to how I used to be unable to feel how tightly clenched my right foot was, I couldn't tell when I was stressed. Until I broke down, that is. I thought it was normal to have the big dramatic sob-fest that resulted in catharsis and often action. There is usually some kind of trigger that is the preeminent "problem" I am focusing on. And I need to sort through all the other stuff to figure out what the main problem of the month is. Yes, the timing usually coincides with regular hormonal cycles, or power surges as it were (no, not hot flashes yet). I think this timing causes me to feel whatever I'm feeling a bit out of proportion to the actual problem, but that doesn't necessarily diminish the value or importance of the problem.
Since September, I've focused much more on my food intake and how that affects my mood. This has raised my level of awareness significantly. I actually notice when I'm beginning to feel stress and can change how I eat accordingly if that's necessary. I also know that if I've gone without some kind of hard physical activity that is simple (i.e. meditative) I have more built up stress. It's been suggested multiple times that I put some routines in place to build up my emotional reserves, so that when I become depleted I don't become completely depleted and so I have means to refill my stores. It's also important that I have more ways to do this by myself. I know for a fact that it is very easy to keep my emotional reserves full when I am in a satisfyingly affectionate relationship. Unfortunately, most of these have been short and so my opportunity to play with this has been limited. There is nothing quite like the deep validation and relaxation that can come from the close physical presence of another person and the touch that keeps my baby monkey alive in this low-touch society. It's like the difference between self massage and body work done by a professional. I just can't get as deep alone. It's those hugs that just make your whole body go - Aaahhh.... (Arguably... I'm sure there are meditational practices that would come close, but I don't have that kind of discipline yet.)
So:
awareness of stressors - Good, room for improvement
methods to release stress - needs improvement (because what if the pool's closed, the trail is wet or I've just had foot surgery? or I'm sick? Need a few options that are independent of environmental factors and physical ability. Is there a way to approximate full body cardio without stressing out a sore foot?)
methods to add to emotional stores (i.e. still be able to handle shit when it gets hard) - Fair. I think napping and distraction by friends are the most commonly used now.
In the words of my chiropractor - I'm still a time bomb, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and constantly in fight or flight. So I'll be enlisting more consistent professional help to figure out some core things so I see them coming and am prepared to deal with them.
What brought all this on? Dealing with surgery, money, class registration challenges, chores, PMS, having ambitions...in essence being a grownup and being alone...is all very stressful. I have wonderful friends who take good care of me, but I still have just me and my thoughts at night and it's not the same as having a partner in life who can hold you up when you're down, and needs you to do the same when it's their turn.
But you know what else? I scored a TIARA tonight on freecycle. And this will be added to my arsenal of magical objects that give me the super powers to do it all, be a badass, and look amazing doing it. Or you know, just dance around my living room in a tiara. Because I can.