Update 2
There was a question asked on the live journal home page
and i guess I'm going to answer it, It's suppose to be the topic
for writers block, but then again I could really use a topic like it.
What am I afraid of?
Failure.....of course, not just in life but with everything I do, maybe
its a test I failed or maybe even that I didn't do well enough on
something and it caused consequences that I didn't bother to
bring in to question. I guess...I know that a bunch of the things I've
attempted I have failed because there was a lack of focus and a lack
of judgment on my part, and quite frankly, I know its not by choice
maybe I don't do enough to reassure myself with success and it
all just implodes in the end. Then again its highly unlikely that IF I
did, that it would turn out any better.
For example, getting a job is maybe one thing I CAN'T do. I mean
regardless of everything I tell them, "I did CISCO certification classes,
I was in yearbook and can meet deadlines, I'm devoted to what I do
because I WAS in band for 8 years of my life".... Honestly I would take
me, I can't see why someone wouldn't, oh maybe because I don't
have a certain look carried on my face, or maybe because in their mind
they already know who gets the job, some 46 year old bum who, in his voice,
I hear the sound of " I could really careless". FAILURE!!
The only thing more scary than that is maybe my mom on a bad day,
but that's because I hate the way she yells about everything.
I don't know maybe if I try more than I already am, people might
actually take me seriously.
THAT, may be another thing that scares me, I don't feel like ANYONE
can take me seriously and even if they HAD to they wouldn't agree with
anything I said, What is it about me that says "I'm serious....just kidding"
Because no matter how much time or effort I put in to it, it always seems
to stay relatively the same.
One last thing that scares me, and Its bad when I have to second guess myself,
but I'm pretty positive that friends scare me. Not because they are "weird" or something
along those lines, It just seems that when I open up to someone they drift, and recently
I've felt numerous people just float off my arm and away. There are even some that I'm
annoyed by now, even at the mere sound of their voice. I try to keep them close, but
somehow the feeling of being let down dwells. This really doesn't apply to all relationships
because I can always count on a few choice people to pick up others slack, and
maybe my fault is that I rely too much on other for my support when in fact I should
be my own two legs. But I can't help being wanted to be heard, to be cared about,
everyone wants it so really what makes me so different? I can answer my own
question and the answer really is neglect, I tend to forget who cares more, or who
I should really trust myself opening up to, and then when I make a wrong choice
I get those looks of being weird, and they can't comprehend what I try to express to them,
and then by the time I realize that I made my mistake its to late to fall back on anyone
which really leaves me to cope with all my problems alone. Sure a bunch of you
claim to be there for me, but saying "its okay" or "well I know how you feel and it'll get better"
you really don't, and as cliche as it sounds your not going to know the feeling of
being let down constantly, you get so use to it, that you want to be alone, you can tell
when people just don't like you after you open up, and to make things worse
people don't know how to react properly to it, at least say something, don't just give me
looks.
Thats what scares me, and maybe most of you say "pfft" to everything I said but,
right now, I just need to be looked at as a human being, I'm desperate for someone
to listen, and sadly enough I can't really trust anyone right now. I'd like to but I can't.
and i guess I'm going to answer it, It's suppose to be the topic
for writers block, but then again I could really use a topic like it.
What am I afraid of?
Failure.....of course, not just in life but with everything I do, maybe
its a test I failed or maybe even that I didn't do well enough on
something and it caused consequences that I didn't bother to
bring in to question. I guess...I know that a bunch of the things I've
attempted I have failed because there was a lack of focus and a lack
of judgment on my part, and quite frankly, I know its not by choice
maybe I don't do enough to reassure myself with success and it
all just implodes in the end. Then again its highly unlikely that IF I
did, that it would turn out any better.
For example, getting a job is maybe one thing I CAN'T do. I mean
regardless of everything I tell them, "I did CISCO certification classes,
I was in yearbook and can meet deadlines, I'm devoted to what I do
because I WAS in band for 8 years of my life".... Honestly I would take
me, I can't see why someone wouldn't, oh maybe because I don't
have a certain look carried on my face, or maybe because in their mind
they already know who gets the job, some 46 year old bum who, in his voice,
I hear the sound of " I could really careless". FAILURE!!
The only thing more scary than that is maybe my mom on a bad day,
but that's because I hate the way she yells about everything.
I don't know maybe if I try more than I already am, people might
actually take me seriously.
THAT, may be another thing that scares me, I don't feel like ANYONE
can take me seriously and even if they HAD to they wouldn't agree with
anything I said, What is it about me that says "I'm serious....just kidding"
Because no matter how much time or effort I put in to it, it always seems
to stay relatively the same.
One last thing that scares me, and Its bad when I have to second guess myself,
but I'm pretty positive that friends scare me. Not because they are "weird" or something
along those lines, It just seems that when I open up to someone they drift, and recently
I've felt numerous people just float off my arm and away. There are even some that I'm
annoyed by now, even at the mere sound of their voice. I try to keep them close, but
somehow the feeling of being let down dwells. This really doesn't apply to all relationships
because I can always count on a few choice people to pick up others slack, and
maybe my fault is that I rely too much on other for my support when in fact I should
be my own two legs. But I can't help being wanted to be heard, to be cared about,
everyone wants it so really what makes me so different? I can answer my own
question and the answer really is neglect, I tend to forget who cares more, or who
I should really trust myself opening up to, and then when I make a wrong choice
I get those looks of being weird, and they can't comprehend what I try to express to them,
and then by the time I realize that I made my mistake its to late to fall back on anyone
which really leaves me to cope with all my problems alone. Sure a bunch of you
claim to be there for me, but saying "its okay" or "well I know how you feel and it'll get better"
you really don't, and as cliche as it sounds your not going to know the feeling of
being let down constantly, you get so use to it, that you want to be alone, you can tell
when people just don't like you after you open up, and to make things worse
people don't know how to react properly to it, at least say something, don't just give me
looks.
Thats what scares me, and maybe most of you say "pfft" to everything I said but,
right now, I just need to be looked at as a human being, I'm desperate for someone
to listen, and sadly enough I can't really trust anyone right now. I'd like to but I can't.