Update
Without any specific feeling tonight, I find it harder to sleep,
watching minutes go by,literally typing everything that comes
to my mind and listening to the creaks of this house.
And even though my eyes are yelling for sleep I can still manage
to keep them wide open and not have to worry about falling asleep
at the keyboard. I may have a few typos but nothing more, I guess
sleep depervation really does "hit you hard" after a while.
4 days now, I lied to several people about "just waking up" or
"setting my alarm to wake up early" when the truth is I've been
up ALL night, fiddling my thumbs waiting for the sun to come up
and show on the house next to me. You would all be amazed to see
the sun rise, it really is the most beautiful part of el paso. Then
again el paso is really the only place I've known, and in reality
it has to be the most horrible place ever, the people here are nice,
yet completely stupid about small things. I'd much rather pack my
things and move to some place a bit nicer, maybe some place with
more green. Or just a place thats a bit more lively, it would be a nice
change, and a chance to get away from here.
Its 4:21 and I've literally been at this update for an hour, believe me
thats because I've been back and fourth between my room and
this damn computer trying to sleep.
My thoughts have slowed and it seems to be a bit quieter in the house
now, I can make out my dogs snoring if i stop typing, that just goes to
show how perfectly everyone else is sleeping. Even now, when I type I
talk about sleep, or sleeping in some kind of way, it does make it self
so much more comforting when I do think about it though.
REALIZATION!!!
I was sitting in bed for just 10 minutes when I realized something, I wasn't
ready to let go, but even though I kept saying "NO" I never stopped myself
from making one of the hardest decisions, I knew it was happening today,
I felt it somehow, maybe by the way she said hello or by the tone of her voice,
I knew. And as hard as it is to cope with it, I guess I really can't cry. I won't lie
I'm doing it now, only because I'm letting myself though, its not a forced cry though,
its more because I'm happy. Happy I had the chance to be with such an
amazing girl for a while, sure the timing is horrible, because, well lets face it, I
really don't have anyone now. The timing was horrible because I'm just not ready to
deal with certain stresses alone. I can't deal with school, sure its not best school
but I mean community is just a new place. New people, I don't think I'll talk to anyone
there unless its group work, and even then I'll be working my ass off to get
the hell out of there. I really don't know what to make of myself anymore, I'm pretty
much confused and its got me in a horrible position right now.
I love her very much though and even though when I say it to her, its not going to mean
the same thing to her as it does to me, and it hurts. Maybe it will, but I have no
way of knowing it, the fact that I may still see her, would be enough to make me
to want to grab her hand to hold it tight, to have the kisses that made me
feel like a little school girl myself, to be able to look in her eyes and realize
that I made her happy that day, to wait for her to kiss my cheek,
to wait for one of those 100 "I love you" I heard in a day , to wish she
was still able to lie by my side when she comes over or hug my arm
as we walk somewhere, or to simply have the feeling of my heart stopping
and the feeling of breathlessness take over when she smiled so big, talking about
everything that no one wanted us to talk about, the mere thought of these
things brings me to tears because its lost. Maybe not completely lost but, lost enough.
She may be the only girl I REALLY cared for, as opposed to the others when I yelled and cursed at
them, I never did such a thing to her, and if I did, she knew I felt horrible about it,
I've never cried so many tears of happiness for one girl, its a beautiful thing,
it truly is something I never thought I would feel. I know if she would to
read this I may have just depressed her, she doesn't like to think about
these things, so I guess from this point on, anything we ever did
or ever said is done. my lips are sealed and now i find myself....alone.
watching minutes go by,literally typing everything that comes
to my mind and listening to the creaks of this house.
And even though my eyes are yelling for sleep I can still manage
to keep them wide open and not have to worry about falling asleep
at the keyboard. I may have a few typos but nothing more, I guess
sleep depervation really does "hit you hard" after a while.
4 days now, I lied to several people about "just waking up" or
"setting my alarm to wake up early" when the truth is I've been
up ALL night, fiddling my thumbs waiting for the sun to come up
and show on the house next to me. You would all be amazed to see
the sun rise, it really is the most beautiful part of el paso. Then
again el paso is really the only place I've known, and in reality
it has to be the most horrible place ever, the people here are nice,
yet completely stupid about small things. I'd much rather pack my
things and move to some place a bit nicer, maybe some place with
more green. Or just a place thats a bit more lively, it would be a nice
change, and a chance to get away from here.
Its 4:21 and I've literally been at this update for an hour, believe me
thats because I've been back and fourth between my room and
this damn computer trying to sleep.
My thoughts have slowed and it seems to be a bit quieter in the house
now, I can make out my dogs snoring if i stop typing, that just goes to
show how perfectly everyone else is sleeping. Even now, when I type I
talk about sleep, or sleeping in some kind of way, it does make it self
so much more comforting when I do think about it though.
REALIZATION!!!
I was sitting in bed for just 10 minutes when I realized something, I wasn't
ready to let go, but even though I kept saying "NO" I never stopped myself
from making one of the hardest decisions, I knew it was happening today,
I felt it somehow, maybe by the way she said hello or by the tone of her voice,
I knew. And as hard as it is to cope with it, I guess I really can't cry. I won't lie
I'm doing it now, only because I'm letting myself though, its not a forced cry though,
its more because I'm happy. Happy I had the chance to be with such an
amazing girl for a while, sure the timing is horrible, because, well lets face it, I
really don't have anyone now. The timing was horrible because I'm just not ready to
deal with certain stresses alone. I can't deal with school, sure its not best school
but I mean community is just a new place. New people, I don't think I'll talk to anyone
there unless its group work, and even then I'll be working my ass off to get
the hell out of there. I really don't know what to make of myself anymore, I'm pretty
much confused and its got me in a horrible position right now.
I love her very much though and even though when I say it to her, its not going to mean
the same thing to her as it does to me, and it hurts. Maybe it will, but I have no
way of knowing it, the fact that I may still see her, would be enough to make me
to want to grab her hand to hold it tight, to have the kisses that made me
feel like a little school girl myself, to be able to look in her eyes and realize
that I made her happy that day, to wait for her to kiss my cheek,
to wait for one of those 100 "I love you" I heard in a day , to wish she
was still able to lie by my side when she comes over or hug my arm
as we walk somewhere, or to simply have the feeling of my heart stopping
and the feeling of breathlessness take over when she smiled so big, talking about
everything that no one wanted us to talk about, the mere thought of these
things brings me to tears because its lost. Maybe not completely lost but, lost enough.
She may be the only girl I REALLY cared for, as opposed to the others when I yelled and cursed at
them, I never did such a thing to her, and if I did, she knew I felt horrible about it,
I've never cried so many tears of happiness for one girl, its a beautiful thing,
it truly is something I never thought I would feel. I know if she would to
read this I may have just depressed her, she doesn't like to think about
these things, so I guess from this point on, anything we ever did
or ever said is done. my lips are sealed and now i find myself....alone.