Thursday Night Thoughts
Sometimes, I post here because I have thoughts I "need" to get out. Tonight I just feel like writing a post. I get paid tomoerow which is about 45 minutes away as I write this. I'm a little anxious, because half my paycheck (more actually) is going to cover the overdraft. I should have enough left to pick up Occult Adventures. Beyond that, I'll really have to stretch my paycheck. I already owe $100 or so for my teeth. I need to pay $40 minimum next Tuesday. That's pretty much what's left of my paycheck gone. You may wonder why not just put off getting Occult Adventures. Because the store will only hold it for 30 days and those 30 days run out the 13th. Also, with the second edition of Pathfinder coming out next year, the first edition books are no longer being printed which means they're going to get harder to get. If I don't pickup this copy of Occult Adventures, it'll go on the shelf where anyone can grab it, which means someone else might buy it before I get paid again, and there's no telling if Mad Hatters will be able to get another copy. There's always Amazon, but I prefer to buy through Mad Hatters when I can because, A. they're my local game shop, and it's always good to support local businesses, B. they let us play there free of charge, so I try to buy there whenever I can, C. they give a discount equal to the sales tax on all purchases (so for my $44.99 book I pay only $45), D. they don't charge shipping like Amazon would, and E. the owner is a great guy and I like him so I want to support his business whenever I can.
Why the fuss over Pathfinder, a game? Tabletop Role-Playing games are my hobby and my passion. They are what I do for enjoyment and relaxation. They're also my only real social outlet, and while I am introverted, I still need some social interaction. Also, when I was in counseling, I learned about the need for "self-maintenance", the need to occasionally do something that you enjoy and that relaxes you to bolster your mental health. For me, tabletop rpgs, that is Pathfinder are it. I really don't have anything else.
Plus there's the issue with achool. I found at the beginning of the last fall semester, which was last August, that my financial aid had run out. I was able to take classes that semester, but because I had no way to pay for them a hold was placed on my account. This meant I couldn't take classes this semester. Nor will I be able to take them in the foreseeable future. This is depressing, because I was getting close to graduating. Another year or two at most I think. It's hard to judge as a four year degree is based on taking more than 12 hours a semester and I was taking 6-8 hours a semester. Also I had to essentially start over when my depression and PTSD forced me to drop out of engineering. So, I'm really not sure where I am in relation to graduating, except now that I can't take classes, graduating isn't going to happen. But there's more to it than just not being able to take classes. My student loans become due once I go more than six months without being enrolled at least part-time, degree or no. So unless I'm misunderstanding, about June I'll be expected to start paying those student loans back. Then there's my current job. As a student assistant at the Texas Tech library (Southwest Collections/Special Collections) I have a job which doesn't involve dealing with people. Jobs that involve dealing with people, are torture for an introvert like me, what's more they fuel my depression. I don't know how long my account can be "on hold" until I'm dropped from the TTU rolls, and if I'm no longer a student, then I can't be a student assistant. That would mean getting a "real" job, and all I'm qualified for, as I lack a degree, are menial, minimum-wage jobs, moat of which will be in retail. This means constantly dealing with people. I know, that if I have to go back to work in a convenience store or any sort of "customer service" position, I'll be dead within a year. Cha doesn't realize it, but I'm at a very dangerous point, I know how, I'll take my life. I've already written the note. Everything is ready, it's just so far, I've managed to put it off for one reason or another. Put me back in customer service, and those reasons will quickly evaporate, or fade to insignificance. I will take my life.
Cha and I had an argument today. I won't go into details, except to say towards the end she confessed that she feels like I resent her for graduating, while I'm not. This simply isn't true. I am happy for her, and very proud she got her docterate. Very happy and proud. It's just hard to express that happiness constantly when not being able to attend school not only depresses me, but the accompanying worries weigh so heavily upon me.
Well it's officially the 10th, but my paycheck hasn't shown up yet. I'll check in the morning when I wake up.
I do enjoy college, because it gives me the opportunity to learn. But it hasn't been easy. On top of dealing with the depression and PTSD, there have been other problems. The twelve years I spent in primary school did nothing to prepare me for university. For example I never learned to study. In primary school I never needed to stusy. The classes were just so easy, and I picked up the material so quickly and without effort, I never had any need to study to pass. The same goes for taking notes. I never learned how in high school, because I had no need to. The classes were so far below my intellectual abilities that the idea of taking notes was . . .pointless. I have learned to take notes, somewhat, but my penmanship is so bad that half the time I can't read my notes. This hasn't been a problem in the economics classes, because that material I pick up with almost the same ease I picked up the material in grade school. But Chinese and statistics are another story. I blame my problems with Chinese on working at a convenience store for the first semester. It was supoosed to be a part-time job, but it was eating up so much of my time I didn't have time left to do the required homework, much less study. I suppose I could have given up things like bathing, eating, and sleeping to make time for study. And no, I wasn't playing Pathfinder at the time. I didn't have time for things like hobbies. Anyway, I barely squeaked by the first semester with a D. This left me so far behind going into the second semester that passing was out of the question, even though I now had time to do the homework and study. Then my mom passed away in the middle of the semester which caused me to miss a week of classes. I figured the best thing to do would be to drop Chinese 2, and start over again with Chinese 1. Unfortunately I wasn't able to do that. My inability to pass statistics 1 was on me however. I just don't know what the problem was. Neither did the professor. He said that in the classroom, I seemed to understand the material, he didn't know if the issue was an insufficient understanding of calculus 2, or if I'm just seeing the pieces, but unable to put them together. I don't know either. In the class I think it all makes sense, and I do the homework and study, but I just can't seem to make the numbers work out, and I don't know why. This is very frustrating on a number of levels. I want to study Chinese and Calculus 2, and Statistics on my own, so on the off chance I'm able to continue school I'll be better prepared. So far I haven't been doing that. But I run into the same problem I run into with working out, to do it consistently I need a consistent, uninterrupted time to do it. With working out it's easy to find uninterrupted time, since I'm not in the apartment. But in the apartment Cha won't leave me alone when I had actual schoolwork, I figure the odds of her leaving me alone to study on my own to be somewhere between slim and none. None the less, I should at least find the websites and work out a schedule of study.
Well it's well after midnight and my typos are becoming consistent and frustrating. Time to wrap this up and get some sleep. I actually wrote a lot more than I anticipated, and I didn't even get to the stuff about having a tooth pulled and having to cancel Pathfinder because of it.
Why the fuss over Pathfinder, a game? Tabletop Role-Playing games are my hobby and my passion. They are what I do for enjoyment and relaxation. They're also my only real social outlet, and while I am introverted, I still need some social interaction. Also, when I was in counseling, I learned about the need for "self-maintenance", the need to occasionally do something that you enjoy and that relaxes you to bolster your mental health. For me, tabletop rpgs, that is Pathfinder are it. I really don't have anything else.
Plus there's the issue with achool. I found at the beginning of the last fall semester, which was last August, that my financial aid had run out. I was able to take classes that semester, but because I had no way to pay for them a hold was placed on my account. This meant I couldn't take classes this semester. Nor will I be able to take them in the foreseeable future. This is depressing, because I was getting close to graduating. Another year or two at most I think. It's hard to judge as a four year degree is based on taking more than 12 hours a semester and I was taking 6-8 hours a semester. Also I had to essentially start over when my depression and PTSD forced me to drop out of engineering. So, I'm really not sure where I am in relation to graduating, except now that I can't take classes, graduating isn't going to happen. But there's more to it than just not being able to take classes. My student loans become due once I go more than six months without being enrolled at least part-time, degree or no. So unless I'm misunderstanding, about June I'll be expected to start paying those student loans back. Then there's my current job. As a student assistant at the Texas Tech library (Southwest Collections/Special Collections) I have a job which doesn't involve dealing with people. Jobs that involve dealing with people, are torture for an introvert like me, what's more they fuel my depression. I don't know how long my account can be "on hold" until I'm dropped from the TTU rolls, and if I'm no longer a student, then I can't be a student assistant. That would mean getting a "real" job, and all I'm qualified for, as I lack a degree, are menial, minimum-wage jobs, moat of which will be in retail. This means constantly dealing with people. I know, that if I have to go back to work in a convenience store or any sort of "customer service" position, I'll be dead within a year. Cha doesn't realize it, but I'm at a very dangerous point, I know how, I'll take my life. I've already written the note. Everything is ready, it's just so far, I've managed to put it off for one reason or another. Put me back in customer service, and those reasons will quickly evaporate, or fade to insignificance. I will take my life.
Cha and I had an argument today. I won't go into details, except to say towards the end she confessed that she feels like I resent her for graduating, while I'm not. This simply isn't true. I am happy for her, and very proud she got her docterate. Very happy and proud. It's just hard to express that happiness constantly when not being able to attend school not only depresses me, but the accompanying worries weigh so heavily upon me.
Well it's officially the 10th, but my paycheck hasn't shown up yet. I'll check in the morning when I wake up.
I do enjoy college, because it gives me the opportunity to learn. But it hasn't been easy. On top of dealing with the depression and PTSD, there have been other problems. The twelve years I spent in primary school did nothing to prepare me for university. For example I never learned to study. In primary school I never needed to stusy. The classes were just so easy, and I picked up the material so quickly and without effort, I never had any need to study to pass. The same goes for taking notes. I never learned how in high school, because I had no need to. The classes were so far below my intellectual abilities that the idea of taking notes was . . .pointless. I have learned to take notes, somewhat, but my penmanship is so bad that half the time I can't read my notes. This hasn't been a problem in the economics classes, because that material I pick up with almost the same ease I picked up the material in grade school. But Chinese and statistics are another story. I blame my problems with Chinese on working at a convenience store for the first semester. It was supoosed to be a part-time job, but it was eating up so much of my time I didn't have time left to do the required homework, much less study. I suppose I could have given up things like bathing, eating, and sleeping to make time for study. And no, I wasn't playing Pathfinder at the time. I didn't have time for things like hobbies. Anyway, I barely squeaked by the first semester with a D. This left me so far behind going into the second semester that passing was out of the question, even though I now had time to do the homework and study. Then my mom passed away in the middle of the semester which caused me to miss a week of classes. I figured the best thing to do would be to drop Chinese 2, and start over again with Chinese 1. Unfortunately I wasn't able to do that. My inability to pass statistics 1 was on me however. I just don't know what the problem was. Neither did the professor. He said that in the classroom, I seemed to understand the material, he didn't know if the issue was an insufficient understanding of calculus 2, or if I'm just seeing the pieces, but unable to put them together. I don't know either. In the class I think it all makes sense, and I do the homework and study, but I just can't seem to make the numbers work out, and I don't know why. This is very frustrating on a number of levels. I want to study Chinese and Calculus 2, and Statistics on my own, so on the off chance I'm able to continue school I'll be better prepared. So far I haven't been doing that. But I run into the same problem I run into with working out, to do it consistently I need a consistent, uninterrupted time to do it. With working out it's easy to find uninterrupted time, since I'm not in the apartment. But in the apartment Cha won't leave me alone when I had actual schoolwork, I figure the odds of her leaving me alone to study on my own to be somewhere between slim and none. None the less, I should at least find the websites and work out a schedule of study.
Well it's well after midnight and my typos are becoming consistent and frustrating. Time to wrap this up and get some sleep. I actually wrote a lot more than I anticipated, and I didn't even get to the stuff about having a tooth pulled and having to cancel Pathfinder because of it.