Dread
It's been a month or so since my last entry. Between school and work, I have precious little time for anything else. I mean I eat (usually 2 meals a day), shower, brush/floss my teeth, and sleep a little. At the advice of my councilor I also carve out a little time a few days a week to do stuff I enjoy. That's mainly working on my RPG settings. Right now it's my Pathfinder setting, but just got Spiderman Homecoming on dvd, so I may start working on my Champions setting soon.
The reason I'm writing tonight is I have this terrible feeling of foreboding or dread. The way I described it to Cha is I feel like I've done something that will really upset her if she finds out. The problem is I can't think of anything I've done recently that would upset her. It might just be because I have to work tomorrow.
This job really takes an emotional toll on me. The VA has upped the dosage on my antidepressants twice in the last few months. I'm really hoping I can find a better job soon.
The last increase was a few weeks ago. I had a major depressive event. It started Sunday afternoon at work, and seemed to go away Monday night. I felt fine Tuesday and Wednesday, although I did mention the depression to my councilor at my session Tuesday. Then Thursday a crashed hard. It was bad enough Cha took me to the VA on Friday. I was there for hours. That's when they upped my antidepressant dosage. There was even talk of hospitalizing me.
Thing is while the increased dosage helped with my depression, it played havoc with my sleep. I found it nigh impossible to get up for classes in the morning. The first morning it happened was a Wednesday. I "woke-up" but was so sleepy I couldn't keep my eyes open. It's been happening off and on since then. The result is I've been missing a lot of classes. I've been missing statistics the most, since it's my earliest class, and Chinese a lot too. Chinese really worries me, because if I fall behind in that it will be very hard to catch up.
On the bright side, I got an A+ on my first Economics exam. That shocked me, because I wasn't sure I would pass, and afterwards was thinking I might manage a C. On the other hand I completely screwed up my Chinese midterm. The characters gave me the most trouble. The pinyin I did good in, and I had little trouble with the listening exercises and reading the characters, but writing the characters, I couldn't remember most of them. I'm thinking of going on OkCupid or a similar site to find a Chinese pen pal. If nothing else it'll give me regular practice at Chinese.
Another thing that came out of my day at the VA is, I put in an application for a service dog. Cha has been talking about trying to get me one for a while now, and while we were at the VA she asked about it. I've been resistant to the idea. While I'd love a pet (dog or cat), a service animal is most definitely not a pet. The thing is I didn't really feel I need a service dog. They're more for guys with PTSD, and while I have been diagnosed with it, my case is very mild. However at Cha's urging, and with the help of the social worker at the VA, I filled out and submitted it. I was uneasy about it until I talked to my councilor about it. Then I felt a little better. The organization I applied to is called Train a Dog Save a Warrior, or TADSAW for short. They rescue dogs of appropriate age and temperament, and place them with veterans. The veteran then trains the dog himself (or herself I guess) assisted by a coach they meet with twice a week. After the dog is trained it takes a test and if it passes it's certified as a setvice animal. It's a nice system, the thing is the dog will be with my 24/7. I go to school the dog goes with me. I go to work the dog goes with me. I sleep, the dog is beside me (on the floor). It's the go to work part that worries me. I'm not certain the companies policy on service animals. What's more until the dog finishes its training it's technically not a service animal. Otherwise I'm kind of looking forward to it.
The reason I'm writing tonight is I have this terrible feeling of foreboding or dread. The way I described it to Cha is I feel like I've done something that will really upset her if she finds out. The problem is I can't think of anything I've done recently that would upset her. It might just be because I have to work tomorrow.
This job really takes an emotional toll on me. The VA has upped the dosage on my antidepressants twice in the last few months. I'm really hoping I can find a better job soon.
The last increase was a few weeks ago. I had a major depressive event. It started Sunday afternoon at work, and seemed to go away Monday night. I felt fine Tuesday and Wednesday, although I did mention the depression to my councilor at my session Tuesday. Then Thursday a crashed hard. It was bad enough Cha took me to the VA on Friday. I was there for hours. That's when they upped my antidepressant dosage. There was even talk of hospitalizing me.
Thing is while the increased dosage helped with my depression, it played havoc with my sleep. I found it nigh impossible to get up for classes in the morning. The first morning it happened was a Wednesday. I "woke-up" but was so sleepy I couldn't keep my eyes open. It's been happening off and on since then. The result is I've been missing a lot of classes. I've been missing statistics the most, since it's my earliest class, and Chinese a lot too. Chinese really worries me, because if I fall behind in that it will be very hard to catch up.
On the bright side, I got an A+ on my first Economics exam. That shocked me, because I wasn't sure I would pass, and afterwards was thinking I might manage a C. On the other hand I completely screwed up my Chinese midterm. The characters gave me the most trouble. The pinyin I did good in, and I had little trouble with the listening exercises and reading the characters, but writing the characters, I couldn't remember most of them. I'm thinking of going on OkCupid or a similar site to find a Chinese pen pal. If nothing else it'll give me regular practice at Chinese.
Another thing that came out of my day at the VA is, I put in an application for a service dog. Cha has been talking about trying to get me one for a while now, and while we were at the VA she asked about it. I've been resistant to the idea. While I'd love a pet (dog or cat), a service animal is most definitely not a pet. The thing is I didn't really feel I need a service dog. They're more for guys with PTSD, and while I have been diagnosed with it, my case is very mild. However at Cha's urging, and with the help of the social worker at the VA, I filled out and submitted it. I was uneasy about it until I talked to my councilor about it. Then I felt a little better. The organization I applied to is called Train a Dog Save a Warrior, or TADSAW for short. They rescue dogs of appropriate age and temperament, and place them with veterans. The veteran then trains the dog himself (or herself I guess) assisted by a coach they meet with twice a week. After the dog is trained it takes a test and if it passes it's certified as a setvice animal. It's a nice system, the thing is the dog will be with my 24/7. I go to school the dog goes with me. I go to work the dog goes with me. I sleep, the dog is beside me (on the floor). It's the go to work part that worries me. I'm not certain the companies policy on service animals. What's more until the dog finishes its training it's technically not a service animal. Otherwise I'm kind of looking forward to it.