I've Got Nothing
I know I'm posting just to avoid going to sleep. I'm not sure why I want to avoid going to sleep. Maybe because tomorrow brings another 8 hours of the hell (for me) that is my job. That's the only thing I can think of. I'm tired, I'm sleepy I've been up for 18 hours. I should go to sleep, but I feel an urge to find excuses to stay awake.
Cha's home. She's been home a week. Last friday I took her to lunch and two movies; Wonder Woman, and Spiderman:Homecoming. Monday I drove her to Amarillo so she could go shopping at the antique stores on Route 66. Since this involved a lot of driving and shopping, I didn't really enjoy it. Cha did promise me that she'd let me spend Friday doing what I want. Of course lately what I really want is to end my life. But I've promised (myself) to hold off for a bit. I'll probably work on one of my RPG settings instead. Or maybe just read or watch tv.
I spend a lot of time contemplating my upcoming demise. I have a date selected, the method decided on, and have alreasy started writing my note. I don't want to have to rush a note out at the last minute. I can't imagine a future any longer. Anytime I try to picture what life would be like if I graduated school I can't. Consequently I spend a lot of time thinking about death. I really have no interest in things I used to enjoy. I sleep far more than I need to. I've occasionally tried playing "It's A Wonderful Life" with myself, but I can't think of anyone who is better off for having known me. I certainly can't think of anyone's life that would be worse if they'd never met me.
When I was younger I wanted to change the world. I figure soneday I'd invent something that would make the world a better place. Lately I've become so disgusted with the bulk of humanity, that even if I did invent some revolutionary gadget, I'd keep it to myself and take the discovery to my grave. Now a days I just want to be far away from humanity as much as possible. Probably because I'm forced to spend 32 to 40 hours a week interacting with "people" and forcing myself to act pleasant and friendly. That is very wearing on me mentally and emotionally.
It's not just the mental emotional aspect of the job. I'm 44, and my body is . . . well, falling apart for lack of a better description. It's just too much to be expected to perform eight straight hours of work. While it's not all strenuous, in fact very little of it is strenuous, there are no breaks. If we're not waiting on customers, we're expected to be doing numerous "side jobs". Even waiting on customers involves a modicum of running around. And the whole eight hours is spent on my feet. No breaks to sit down. I'm regularly troubled by my knees and back. Not to mention the stress. I'm quite sure if I didn't take my own life it wouldn't be long before a heart attack or stroke did me in.
I'm hoping to find a different job soon. I'm willing to take a little cut in pay. Right now I think a different job is the only thing that might change my current course. I say might, because I In fear the psychological damage may be too severe, and even if I changed jobs, I'd still end up dead by Spring.
I think I'm going to go to sleep now.
Cha's home. She's been home a week. Last friday I took her to lunch and two movies; Wonder Woman, and Spiderman:Homecoming. Monday I drove her to Amarillo so she could go shopping at the antique stores on Route 66. Since this involved a lot of driving and shopping, I didn't really enjoy it. Cha did promise me that she'd let me spend Friday doing what I want. Of course lately what I really want is to end my life. But I've promised (myself) to hold off for a bit. I'll probably work on one of my RPG settings instead. Or maybe just read or watch tv.
I spend a lot of time contemplating my upcoming demise. I have a date selected, the method decided on, and have alreasy started writing my note. I don't want to have to rush a note out at the last minute. I can't imagine a future any longer. Anytime I try to picture what life would be like if I graduated school I can't. Consequently I spend a lot of time thinking about death. I really have no interest in things I used to enjoy. I sleep far more than I need to. I've occasionally tried playing "It's A Wonderful Life" with myself, but I can't think of anyone who is better off for having known me. I certainly can't think of anyone's life that would be worse if they'd never met me.
When I was younger I wanted to change the world. I figure soneday I'd invent something that would make the world a better place. Lately I've become so disgusted with the bulk of humanity, that even if I did invent some revolutionary gadget, I'd keep it to myself and take the discovery to my grave. Now a days I just want to be far away from humanity as much as possible. Probably because I'm forced to spend 32 to 40 hours a week interacting with "people" and forcing myself to act pleasant and friendly. That is very wearing on me mentally and emotionally.
It's not just the mental emotional aspect of the job. I'm 44, and my body is . . . well, falling apart for lack of a better description. It's just too much to be expected to perform eight straight hours of work. While it's not all strenuous, in fact very little of it is strenuous, there are no breaks. If we're not waiting on customers, we're expected to be doing numerous "side jobs". Even waiting on customers involves a modicum of running around. And the whole eight hours is spent on my feet. No breaks to sit down. I'm regularly troubled by my knees and back. Not to mention the stress. I'm quite sure if I didn't take my own life it wouldn't be long before a heart attack or stroke did me in.
I'm hoping to find a different job soon. I'm willing to take a little cut in pay. Right now I think a different job is the only thing that might change my current course. I say might, because I In fear the psychological damage may be too severe, and even if I changed jobs, I'd still end up dead by Spring.
I think I'm going to go to sleep now.