What About My Back?
It's been over four years since I last posted here. That's quite a while. A lot has happened since then. For one thing I've found out that I suffer from depression, PTSD, anger issues, and Asperger (autism). The latter discovery explained a lot about me. It might be of some wonder why I'm writing here, as I'm quite sure all of the friends I had on here have long since moved on to other social media. I'm back to write here because I want to spend some time each day writing and this seems a good forum for it, even if I have to learn my way around again.
Another reason I have returned to writing here is that my wife left me. Without her in my life, I have no one I can really talk to, really share myself with. All 8f my friends right now are online, and even when that wasn't the case I've always tended to keep people at arms length. I just have trouble getting close enough to people to really share myself with them. Also, it always seems like an imposition to burden other people with my innermost thoughts and stuff, though the reverse wasn't true. That being said, people are welcome to read this and comment if they like.
It's almost 1:30 in the morning, but I feel a need to write. Although now that I've gotten this far, I'm not sure what to write. I have to work tomorrow, which I am not looking forward to in the slightest. I'm nit sure I want to go so far as to say I hate my job, because all things considered, it's a nice job. The problem is that I'm manifestly unsuited to working in a convenience store. It requires a friendly, outgoing sort of person, which I'm not, though I can fske it. It's just so hard to fake it on a continuing basis. It wears me out, not necessarily in a physical sense, but mentally and emotionally it's exhausting. I think it's not so much the job I hate, as what I have to pretend to be to be successful at it. I guess I resent not being able to be myself. It's a "menial" job, and I'm essentially told I'm not good enough for it. The way I figure is I've got three more years of school before I graduate, at least. That means in all liklihood I'll be stuck with this job for another three years. I'm not sure I can handle that. Just the thought of it seems overwhelming. But it's not like I have an option. I can't just quit, even if I get disability, I'm sure it won't be enough to cover all my bills. The odds of me finding a job with comparable pay, yet more suited to my temperament and personality is slim to none, not to mention I need a job where I can work around my class schedule. Like I said, all things considered, it's a good job, I'm just not a good fit for it.
Another reason I have returned to writing here is that my wife left me. Without her in my life, I have no one I can really talk to, really share myself with. All 8f my friends right now are online, and even when that wasn't the case I've always tended to keep people at arms length. I just have trouble getting close enough to people to really share myself with them. Also, it always seems like an imposition to burden other people with my innermost thoughts and stuff, though the reverse wasn't true. That being said, people are welcome to read this and comment if they like.
It's almost 1:30 in the morning, but I feel a need to write. Although now that I've gotten this far, I'm not sure what to write. I have to work tomorrow, which I am not looking forward to in the slightest. I'm nit sure I want to go so far as to say I hate my job, because all things considered, it's a nice job. The problem is that I'm manifestly unsuited to working in a convenience store. It requires a friendly, outgoing sort of person, which I'm not, though I can fske it. It's just so hard to fake it on a continuing basis. It wears me out, not necessarily in a physical sense, but mentally and emotionally it's exhausting. I think it's not so much the job I hate, as what I have to pretend to be to be successful at it. I guess I resent not being able to be myself. It's a "menial" job, and I'm essentially told I'm not good enough for it. The way I figure is I've got three more years of school before I graduate, at least. That means in all liklihood I'll be stuck with this job for another three years. I'm not sure I can handle that. Just the thought of it seems overwhelming. But it's not like I have an option. I can't just quit, even if I get disability, I'm sure it won't be enough to cover all my bills. The odds of me finding a job with comparable pay, yet more suited to my temperament and personality is slim to none, not to mention I need a job where I can work around my class schedule. Like I said, all things considered, it's a good job, I'm just not a good fit for it.