A World I Have Never Seen
It is funny when you have become the hypocrite in some matters. This is of course nothing serious. It is amusing how I have become a hypocrite to my own standars and rules. The feelings that ride with this set me free. I feel that sense I have broken my own rule, I am roaming wild and free in this somewhat fenced in field. It has a fence yes, which means I have boundaries. I just think I have pushed it out a little more now. There is still has a fence so therefore, I still have boundaries.
Over the past week I have been in Tennessee at a basketball camp. What happened there is something that was unexpected. It took me as the tide would take a toddler. It took me fast, swept me off of my feet, dargged me to the inside of it, and then released me above the surface. I was the one who always like to date the older guys. I was looking for that father figure. I wanted someone to protect me and keep me under their wing; do everything a father should have done. I told myself, "Never will I like or date a younger guy." This has all changed. I soon developed a crush on a guy a grade level below me over the week. It eventually became obvious by the last day. I never thought this would happen to me. I somehow find it a good thing. I have broken off the path that I think I need to be with someone older. I have made progress in filling the void I have, even though, it is not completely filled.
I have put myself under my one year probation. Now I look at it and think it might not take that long. I think we all have a problem sometimes thinking that everything is sent from God. We in some cases think every person we dated God wanted us to. I used to think that. Then I realized- God gives us test and sometime he will torment us to see if we will stay loyal. Then we are always tempted by the devil. I do not know what action I will take next in this. I do not know whether to go forward or step back and deny my want,need,and intention(s). I am sort of depriving myself with this. I never follow my emotions or heart, but I follow instincts. I take it that he is intimidated, so it does not show much chance of him asking me. Someone suggested to ask him out. I have never done this before. I do not know if I can scrounge up the bravery to do it. Like anyone, I am terrified of rejection with every part of me. I might take that step though. It comes to the point when you must stop trying to please everyone else and just do things for yourself- to please you. You need no acception from others.
Until I figure my next move as if it were a chess game, this is a new world to me. I will be slow and careful. I do not know every step, so I might fall. Yet, we fall so that we can puch ourselves back up.
Over the past week I have been in Tennessee at a basketball camp. What happened there is something that was unexpected. It took me as the tide would take a toddler. It took me fast, swept me off of my feet, dargged me to the inside of it, and then released me above the surface. I was the one who always like to date the older guys. I was looking for that father figure. I wanted someone to protect me and keep me under their wing; do everything a father should have done. I told myself, "Never will I like or date a younger guy." This has all changed. I soon developed a crush on a guy a grade level below me over the week. It eventually became obvious by the last day. I never thought this would happen to me. I somehow find it a good thing. I have broken off the path that I think I need to be with someone older. I have made progress in filling the void I have, even though, it is not completely filled.
I have put myself under my one year probation. Now I look at it and think it might not take that long. I think we all have a problem sometimes thinking that everything is sent from God. We in some cases think every person we dated God wanted us to. I used to think that. Then I realized- God gives us test and sometime he will torment us to see if we will stay loyal. Then we are always tempted by the devil. I do not know what action I will take next in this. I do not know whether to go forward or step back and deny my want,need,and intention(s). I am sort of depriving myself with this. I never follow my emotions or heart, but I follow instincts. I take it that he is intimidated, so it does not show much chance of him asking me. Someone suggested to ask him out. I have never done this before. I do not know if I can scrounge up the bravery to do it. Like anyone, I am terrified of rejection with every part of me. I might take that step though. It comes to the point when you must stop trying to please everyone else and just do things for yourself- to please you. You need no acception from others.
Until I figure my next move as if it were a chess game, this is a new world to me. I will be slow and careful. I do not know every step, so I might fall. Yet, we fall so that we can puch ourselves back up.