SAVE THE LAST DANCE FOR ME
I am fully aware that most people on my friendslist will soon defriend me if I talk any more Marchingstuck, but it keeps happening. This is more about Promstuck, a special subset of Marchingstuck regarding proms, but is also the tender and thoughtful tale of how Rose Lalonde (drum major) fell for Kanaya Maryam (uniforms operator). And by tender and thoughtful I mean "not even remotely," "this is Marchingstuck," "what were you expecting."
It also contains copious amounts of prom, which is the shallowest place you can go in any high school AU and I'm not even sorry.
tZM: and every time i read about that prom my heart is too full
tZM: john, getting a hotel room for you and your heterosexual date is REALLY
tZM: REALLY
tZM: WEIRD
tZM: what were you even THINKING
shelby: they were going to be too tired from dancing to drive back home!!
tZM: SO WHY NOT GET A COMMUNAL HOTEL ROOM WHERE OTHER PEOPLE CAN ALSO SLEEP
tZM: NEPETA GOTTA SLEEP TOO
tZM: ERIDAN SLEEPS
shelby: uhhhhhhhhhhh
tZM: then again you can't invite eridan to your hotel room he gets the wrong idea
tZM: wwhy john this is so sudden
shelby: omg what if equius and nepeta go to the prom together :>
shelby: that would be precious
tZM: dude of course they do
tZM: because that's the most
tZM: precious thing i ever heard
tZM: only he has to practice because he is too STRONG to hold her in a good moirallegiance dance hold
shelby: also i had the idea that karkat tries to ask kanaya to go to the prom with him in order to get out of going with john but she was already going with rose. ENDLESS FRUSTRATION.
tZM: it's senior prom and he's sick of it
tZM: so he asks kanaya for a moirail date
tZM: but it's the year rose finally grew a spine and asked kanaya
shelby: it's terrible
shelby: how do rose and kanaya get together in this AU anayways???? :O
tZM: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS
shelby: probably with a lot less yelling. or maybe with more yelling. i don't know.
tZM: you never know with those two
tZM: the question is
tZM: how many years in elementary and middle school has kanaya been waiting for vriska to ask her to marry her
shelby: oh geez, FOREVER
tZM: ever since she was tiny :(
tZM: (i am pretending that they only met the kids in high school)
shelby: that makes sense, haha
tZM: i think she and rose have had a history of Not Quite Getting Along: Kanaya has been the sensible Voice of Reason for her group, and Rose has been the chilly Voice of Reason for her group, and they Did Not Like Each Other
tZM: also then vriska broke up as moirails with her and moirailed up with john
shelby: shit, son.
shelby: yeah they probably had passive aggressive arguments all the time
tZM: YES.
tZM: TOTALLY.
tZM: kanaya said some Things about john.
tZM: rose said some Things about vriska.
shelby: maybe they become friends around the time rose joins winter guard for season
tZM: ahahahah, I like to pretend Rose joined winter guard because she was SO OVERWORKED, SO STRESSED that she totally broke and went to Feferi's eldritch clutches
tZM: and everyone tries to work to convince her out of it
tZM: she's the only human there
shelby: fjgfjdgkdf yes. yes.
tZM: SHE SPEAKS FESTERTONGUES ALL YEAR
(she's taking festertongue as an AP subject)
shelby: it's like, all weirdass highbloods in guard
tZM: well, all season
tZM: it's all seadwellers
shelby: AP FESTERTONGUES
tZM: IT GETS YOU INTO COLLEGE
shelby: this is totally junior year
shelby: worst year
tZM: worst
tZM: year
tZM: ever
tZM: I think Rose is stressed because she's taken on too much work and John's busy with Vriska and Jade and Dave are busy and she thinks Mom doesn't love her and she's getting all eldritch behind the bike sheds like it's cigarettes and none of the other kids can reach her
tZM: SHE DOES WHAT SHE WANTS
tZM: SHE IS IN COLOUR GUARD NOW
shelby: everything terrible that happens to everyone happens in junior year
tZM: i'm trying to figure out if we can stretch humour to kanaya dying comedically and coming back as a rainbow drinker in the manner of cancer-ridden teenagers in sad Lifetime movies
shelby: hghufiv4hfud
shelby: now i'm just thinking ERIDAN BRINGS A GUN TO SCHOOL ONE DAY
shelby: this is terrible
tZM: I... DON'T THINK WE CAN.... WITHOUT MAKING THIS...... SUDDENLY DEPRESSING
shelby: NO I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD LET MARCHINGSTUCK GO THE MURDERSTUCK ROUTE
tZM: NO
shelby: or we'll have Jack killing snowman and stabbing the drum majors
tZM: lnknoinonoihohiio
tZM: look
tZM: jack was stressed
tZM: also drunk
shelby: everything is terrible
tZM: no if kanaya dies and becomes a rainbow drinker we'd have to treat it as an absolutely normal occurrence
shelby: she accidentally gets.... impaled by a guard pole
tZM: ERIDAN IS REELY SORRY, KAN
tZM: OH MY COD
shelby: they drive her to the hospital and the doctor is like
shelby: well she's a rainbow drinker now
shelby: and everyone's like welp
tZM: welp
tZM: rose was mean about it
tZM: she was in the background going HA HA HA in festertongue
tZM: JHRA JHRA JHRA
shelby: oh yes this was junior year
tZM: Eventually the storm breaks at the end of the year and she and Kanaya have a huge knock-out screaming fight
tZM: two black eyes each
tZM: rose knocked some of kanaya's teeth out
tZM: kanaya broke her finger
shelby: the fight was behind the bandroom near the woods
tZM: totally
shelby: junior year was a stressful time for everyone
tZM: well, that fight at least had a happy ending
tZM: they make up in the nurse's office
shelby: do they make out
tZM: NO; BUT IT'S A LITTLE GAY
tZM: THEY DISCUSS A MUTUAL LOVE OF VIOLENCE, MAKING CLOTHES, AND MELODRAMATIC BOOKS
shelby: EVERYTHING WENT BETTER THAN EXPECTED
tZM: THEY COME OUT OF IT INSEPERABLE, THOUGH THEY STILL PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY FIGHT
tZM: And Rose leaves Colour Guard because it was getting weird
she got all fucked up on horrorterrors behind the bike sheds and when she came to, Eridan was holding her hands earnestly and describing how their kismesis wedding was gonna go
so
she quit
feferi was dismayed
shelby: jfsdhfjsdf YES. YES.
shelby: eridan was also dismayed
tZM: eridan still holds a candle!!!
tZM: eridan holds a candle for everyone though
shelby: they were supposed to be competing to have the solos that feferi doesn't get
tZM: yes
tZM: it was the blackest of colour guard kismesis rivalries
tZM: they were positivvely diabolical
shelby: there are a lot of kismesis color guard rivalries
shelby: it's downright nasty
tZM: it's a cutthroat world
tZM: and if you screw up in rehearsal you're CULL-------ED!
tZM: (translation: forced to watch Squiddles after school)
tZM: (Feferi offers you more practice time)
shelby: NO ONE WANTS THAT
tZM: NOBODY
tZM: except jade
tZM: jade's always there
tZM: for squiddles time
tZM: but yes Rose leaves winter guard
tZM: goes to marching band
tZM: she and Kanaya now smoulder at each other (ROSE IS INTO KANAYA; KANAYA MUST NEVER KNOW)
tZM: (KANAYA IS INTO ROSE; ROSE MUST NEVER KNOW)
shelby: NO ONE MUST KNOW
tZM: NO ONE!!
shelby: and then rose finally asks her to prom just in time for it to be very inconvenient for karkat
tZM: karkat thinks COULD YOU NOT HAVE WAITED!!!
tZM: then again karkat kanaya's so happy how can you begrudge her that
tZM: also i bet it was the LONGEST MOST BELABOURED OFFER TO GO TO PROM
tZM: because you know, kanaya, she has long held you in the utmost esteem
tZM: as esteem goes, it's safely in the box marked 'utmost'
shelby: aaahh omg yes. and then they get fabulous dresses and are fabulous.
tZM: so fabulous
shelby: and prom ended happily for everyone ever after except for eridan
tZM: i love that it's kind of an eighties montage of what happened to who
tZM: ARADIA CONSENTED TO A DANCE WITH EQUIUS. EQUIUS WAS LATER TREATED AT A HOSPITAL FOR SWEAT-RELATED DEHYDRATION
shelby: AJFDkjhfsdfhdjf
shelby: FIVE PEOPLE WERE SENT HOME WITH CONCUSSIONS DUE TO GAMZEE'S DANCE MOVES
tZM: HE'S REALLY SORRY GUYS
shelby: AFTER BEING PAID TO SPIKE THE PUNCH, TEREZI PROCEEDED TO "GR1ND UP" ON EVERYONE ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
tZM: EVERYONE
tZM: EVERYBODY
tZM: except eridan
shelby: :(
shelby: even the parent chaperones
tZM: oh god please say the parent chaperones
tZM: are mrs. lalonde and mr. egbert
shelby: yes. yes.
shelby: Dad is a chaperone at like every band event too
tZM: Dad is always the chaperone
tZM: Karkat notes that this DOES NOT STOP JOHN AND VRISKA from doing the DIRTY DANCING THING THEY DO EVERY GODDAMN PROM
shelby: CONGRATULATIONS, SON. YOU ARE NOW AN ADULT MAN.
tZM: haha, we're just friends dad!
tZM: and it's true
tZM: they are
tZM: they just love that movie
tZM: they argue over who gets to be patrick swayze in this dirty dancing homage
shelby: they just take turns being patrick swayze
shelby: the next monday in band everyone's like MR. NOIR DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT PROM and he's like fuck no
tZM: i was off having my own prom, you little dipshits
tZM: and by my own prom
tZM: i mean i was drinkin'
tZM: and he was. and not even with mr. boxcars, mr. droog and mr. deuce. he was drinking by himself
tZM: in front of the infomercial channel
tZM: in his boxer shorts
shelby: best night he's had in a while
tZM: so relaxing
tZM: but yeah karkat does not need to see john doing ANY OF THIS SHIT
tZM: he is consumed with sadness lust
shelby: even when john's dancing with jade.
tZM: and they're doing the mashed potato
shelby: he ends up hanging out with eridan for a while but that is too bleak even for him at this point
tZM: Eridan is inured to this by now
tZM: He doesn't even hit on him
tZM: much
tZM: he does for nostalgia's sake but can't really manage
shelby: they just sit there sipping on terrible spiked punch but like tiny little baby sips
tZM: they're a little drunk
tZM: they don't have much resistance
tZM: karkat's like GOD LOOK AT HIM. HE'S SO BEAUTIFUL. HE IS SO UNBELIEVABLY BEAUTIFUL AND I AM SO HIDEOUS AND UNLOVABLE AND A RIDICULOUS JOKE NEXT TO HOW BEAUTIFUL HE IS.
eridan's like i knoww hey i knoww its okay
like do you knoww if you get up reel close next to fef she smells a little like pretzels
OH GOD WHAT HAVE I BECOME
shelby: THIS IS ROCK BOTTOM
shelby: and then "Fergalicious" comes on and John runs over all THIS IS OUR SONG
tZM: ferg
tZM: a
tZM: licious
shelby: john just arbitrarily decided that was their song
tZM: like ten songs are "their songs"
shelby: i'm the f to the e r g the i the e and can't no other lady put it down like me I'M FERGALICIOUS
tZM: John is singing along
tZM: he knows each line
shelby: i feel you john
shelby: i know all the words
tZM: hahhahshahh
tZM: does john also know all the words to
tZM: "toxic"
shelby: dfuhsdkjfshdf
shelby: karkat does not know how to interpret this
tZM: it's still better than hanging out in the sadness position next to eridan
shelby: "i got reasons why i tease 'em, boys come and go like seasons"
shelby: this song is ridic
tZM: karkat
tZM: how are you in love
tZM: with a guy
tZM: who knows
tZM: all these lyrics
shelby: he asks himself that question every day
shelby: I BE UP IN THE GYM JUST WORKIN ON MY FITNESS, HE'S MY WITNESS
shelby: oh god the "SEXY" part of the song
tZM: i'm listening and dying
tZM: all of me is dying
shelby: karkat does not know how to interpret this
tZM: how drunk is john
tZM: by this point
tZM: well, "drunk"
shelby: baby, baby, baby, if you really want me, honey get some patience, maybe then you'll get a taste
shelby: WHAT
shelby: he's had like one drink
shelby: which is like 2% alcohol
tZM: yeah
tZM: the stuff terezi spiked the punch with couldn't get nepeta drunk
tZM: but the point is they all think they are drunk
tZM: which is why john keeps on winking so hard at karkat it looks like nervous tic blinking
shelby: it's terrible
shelby: oh god terezi LOVES this song
tZM: IS SHE DANCING TO IT
shelby: she's trying to get john to let her dance up on karkat too and that is making everything worse
tZM: this is just like middle school prom where they ineptly danced with terezi's arms really stiffly around his shoulders!
tZM: only not!
shelby: except it's T-T-T-T-T4STY T4STY
shelby: also
shelby: youtube comments: "Lmfaoo This Song Taught Me How 2 Spell Delicious" KANAYA HOW DRUNK WERE YOU
shelby: WHO ACTUALLY TYPES LIKE THAT
tZM: DRUNKEN KANAYA
shelby: "Lmfaoo"
tZM: Lmfaooo is my favourite part
shelby: why is kanaya drunk and listening to Fergalicious on youtube
shelby: why is her screenname BabyGirl227
tZM: i don't know but now i want to know
shelby: there's a story behind this
tZM: maybe this was previous prom where she and karkat split a beer and sat on youtube for three hours
shelby: yeah that prom didn't end in kisses for either of them
shelby: by the end of the night they're just like LMFAOOO
tZM: Lmfaoo
tZM: LMFAOO
shelby: leaving comments on everyone's facebook walls
tZM: that was a bad thing to wake up to
shelby: karkat! i saw you wrote on my wall but when i tried to check it, it was deleted?
tZM: yes
tZM: yes
tZM: yes
tZM: yes
tZM: it was an incoherent five page long litany about how cool john was
shelby: there were smiley faces and interjections where kanaya wrote stuff in there too
tZM: it was amazing
shelby: also someone on tumblr wanted to know how rose and kanaya get together
shelby: WE HOPE THAT ANSWERED YOUR QUESTION......????
tZM: YEAH LIKE I GUESS AFTER THAT PROM THEY MAKE OUT THE WHOLE WEEKEND AND KANAYA ON SUNDAY LOOKS AT THE NINETY-FOUR TEXTS KARKAT HAS SENT HER ALL WELP
shelby: well it all worked out without her meddling
shelby: somehow
tZM: she don't curr
shelby: but karkat is still mad some of those texts were in times of serious distress
shelby: he could have died
tZM: he could have DIED while you were busy giving LALONDE A HICKEY ON HER ELBOW OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT WAS YOU WERE DOING
shelby: That Is An Unusual Location
tZM: I Dont Think Shed Be Entirely Receptive To Having A Hickey On Her Elbow
tZM: I Just Asked And She Said She Would Not Protest Merely That It Would Be Weird
shelby: karkat thought that was kind of a sexy place for a hickey. but. you know. whatever.
tZM: so was dave an asshole and totally sent everyone any text john told him in confidence about his and karkat's beautiful prom night
shelby: rude dave
shelby: rude
tZM: look would YOU keep those pieces of poetry to yourself
shelby: jack wants to know how the fuck strider got his cell phone number
tZM: ha ha okay that is admittedly fucking hilarious
tZM: still
tZM: monday he's stabbing you
shelby: one time my friend accidentally sent our band director a text that was intended to be for her boyfriend
shelby: THAT was hilarious
tZM: what was the gist of the text
shelby: it was just like
shelby: "goodnight sweetie!! i love you!"
shelby: and he texted her back
shelby: like
shelby: "i don't think this was intended for me"
tZM: now i am pretending dave has done that on purpose
shelby: so maybe sometimes dave --yes
tZM: goodnight sweetie i love you
shelby: xoxo
tZM: i don't think this was intended for me kid
tZM: yeah it was
tZM: xoxo
shelby: jkfhjkds
shelby: GASPING FOR BREATHS OH MY GOD
shelby: jack's just like ... okay whatever
tZM: what are you wearing
tZM: goodnight strider
shelby: kjhkjfhdfhsd
shelby: jack really regrets being forced to give out his number "in case of emergency" at disney world
tZM: he keeps on meaning to get another cellphone so he can escape the kids texting him
shelby: band teachers don't get paid that much though
tZM: except snowman
tZM: who is somehow paid a lot
shelby: everyone is paid a lot at Felt High
shelby: they have tablecloths in the cafeteria or some shit
shelby: and it's a public school
tZM: i just want john and karkat to have terrible prom kisses is that wrong
shelby: in their hotel room that has two beds
tZM: terezi's in the room next door jumping up and down on her bed so it squeaks
tZM: and she's moaning
shelby: dflkhsdfsdjfsdfj
shelby: HOW DID SHE GET THE ROOM NEXT DOOR
tZM: LOOK, AHS ALL USED THE SAME AWFUL HOTEL
tZM: BECAUSE IT WAS CLOSE TO THE VENUE
shelby: does terezi manage to seduce dave with her terrible dragon tattoo dress
tZM: uh of COURSE
shelby: he could never resist that
shelby: not even for a moment
tZM: also i hope she came covered in dragon temporary tattoos
shelby: she brought extra
tZM: he sits shirtless on the bed while she covers him in temporary tattoos
tZM: it's romantic
shelby: with her tongue
tZM: yes
shelby: saliva tattoos
tZM: he's like tz this isnt hot
shelby: (BUT IT IS)
tZM: and then they get the hell out of there because no way no how is he ever going to get up to shenanigans with egbert in the next room
tZM: he cannot listen to him macking on vantas
tZM: it murdered his boner in the conservatory with the candlestick
shelby: but where do they go
tZM: lknadlfnsfa
tZM: um
shelby: IHOP
tZM: IHOP
tZM: THEY GO TO IHOP
tZM: AND HE BUYS HER A NANNERPUSS
shelby: WHAT IS... THAT
shelby: NEVERMIND
shelby: I JUST GOOGLED IT
shelby: I'M DYING
And then Ceph, inkpool, fyretoppaaa and I sensitively unpacked Shelby's fic about prom, but I lost the analysis and am still in mourning for it. I may be in mourning for it forever.
It also contains copious amounts of prom, which is the shallowest place you can go in any high school AU and I'm not even sorry.
tZM: and every time i read about that prom my heart is too full
tZM: john, getting a hotel room for you and your heterosexual date is REALLY
tZM: REALLY
tZM: WEIRD
tZM: what were you even THINKING
shelby: they were going to be too tired from dancing to drive back home!!
tZM: SO WHY NOT GET A COMMUNAL HOTEL ROOM WHERE OTHER PEOPLE CAN ALSO SLEEP
tZM: NEPETA GOTTA SLEEP TOO
tZM: ERIDAN SLEEPS
shelby: uhhhhhhhhhhh
tZM: then again you can't invite eridan to your hotel room he gets the wrong idea
tZM: wwhy john this is so sudden
shelby: omg what if equius and nepeta go to the prom together :>
shelby: that would be precious
tZM: dude of course they do
tZM: because that's the most
tZM: precious thing i ever heard
tZM: only he has to practice because he is too STRONG to hold her in a good moirallegiance dance hold
shelby: also i had the idea that karkat tries to ask kanaya to go to the prom with him in order to get out of going with john but she was already going with rose. ENDLESS FRUSTRATION.
tZM: it's senior prom and he's sick of it
tZM: so he asks kanaya for a moirail date
tZM: but it's the year rose finally grew a spine and asked kanaya
shelby: it's terrible
shelby: how do rose and kanaya get together in this AU anayways???? :O
tZM: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS
shelby: probably with a lot less yelling. or maybe with more yelling. i don't know.
tZM: you never know with those two
tZM: the question is
tZM: how many years in elementary and middle school has kanaya been waiting for vriska to ask her to marry her
shelby: oh geez, FOREVER
tZM: ever since she was tiny :(
tZM: (i am pretending that they only met the kids in high school)
shelby: that makes sense, haha
tZM: i think she and rose have had a history of Not Quite Getting Along: Kanaya has been the sensible Voice of Reason for her group, and Rose has been the chilly Voice of Reason for her group, and they Did Not Like Each Other
tZM: also then vriska broke up as moirails with her and moirailed up with john
shelby: shit, son.
shelby: yeah they probably had passive aggressive arguments all the time
tZM: YES.
tZM: TOTALLY.
tZM: kanaya said some Things about john.
tZM: rose said some Things about vriska.
shelby: maybe they become friends around the time rose joins winter guard for season
tZM: ahahahah, I like to pretend Rose joined winter guard because she was SO OVERWORKED, SO STRESSED that she totally broke and went to Feferi's eldritch clutches
tZM: and everyone tries to work to convince her out of it
tZM: she's the only human there
shelby: fjgfjdgkdf yes. yes.
tZM: SHE SPEAKS FESTERTONGUES ALL YEAR
(she's taking festertongue as an AP subject)
shelby: it's like, all weirdass highbloods in guard
tZM: well, all season
tZM: it's all seadwellers
shelby: AP FESTERTONGUES
tZM: IT GETS YOU INTO COLLEGE
shelby: this is totally junior year
shelby: worst year
tZM: worst
tZM: year
tZM: ever
tZM: I think Rose is stressed because she's taken on too much work and John's busy with Vriska and Jade and Dave are busy and she thinks Mom doesn't love her and she's getting all eldritch behind the bike sheds like it's cigarettes and none of the other kids can reach her
tZM: SHE DOES WHAT SHE WANTS
tZM: SHE IS IN COLOUR GUARD NOW
shelby: everything terrible that happens to everyone happens in junior year
tZM: i'm trying to figure out if we can stretch humour to kanaya dying comedically and coming back as a rainbow drinker in the manner of cancer-ridden teenagers in sad Lifetime movies
shelby: hghufiv4hfud
shelby: now i'm just thinking ERIDAN BRINGS A GUN TO SCHOOL ONE DAY
shelby: this is terrible
tZM: I... DON'T THINK WE CAN.... WITHOUT MAKING THIS...... SUDDENLY DEPRESSING
shelby: NO I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD LET MARCHINGSTUCK GO THE MURDERSTUCK ROUTE
tZM: NO
shelby: or we'll have Jack killing snowman and stabbing the drum majors
tZM: lnknoinonoihohiio
tZM: look
tZM: jack was stressed
tZM: also drunk
shelby: everything is terrible
tZM: no if kanaya dies and becomes a rainbow drinker we'd have to treat it as an absolutely normal occurrence
shelby: she accidentally gets.... impaled by a guard pole
tZM: ERIDAN IS REELY SORRY, KAN
tZM: OH MY COD
shelby: they drive her to the hospital and the doctor is like
shelby: well she's a rainbow drinker now
shelby: and everyone's like welp
tZM: welp
tZM: rose was mean about it
tZM: she was in the background going HA HA HA in festertongue
tZM: JHRA JHRA JHRA
shelby: oh yes this was junior year
tZM: Eventually the storm breaks at the end of the year and she and Kanaya have a huge knock-out screaming fight
tZM: two black eyes each
tZM: rose knocked some of kanaya's teeth out
tZM: kanaya broke her finger
shelby: the fight was behind the bandroom near the woods
tZM: totally
shelby: junior year was a stressful time for everyone
tZM: well, that fight at least had a happy ending
tZM: they make up in the nurse's office
shelby: do they make out
tZM: NO; BUT IT'S A LITTLE GAY
tZM: THEY DISCUSS A MUTUAL LOVE OF VIOLENCE, MAKING CLOTHES, AND MELODRAMATIC BOOKS
shelby: EVERYTHING WENT BETTER THAN EXPECTED
tZM: THEY COME OUT OF IT INSEPERABLE, THOUGH THEY STILL PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY FIGHT
tZM: And Rose leaves Colour Guard because it was getting weird
she got all fucked up on horrorterrors behind the bike sheds and when she came to, Eridan was holding her hands earnestly and describing how their kismesis wedding was gonna go
so
she quit
feferi was dismayed
shelby: jfsdhfjsdf YES. YES.
shelby: eridan was also dismayed
tZM: eridan still holds a candle!!!
tZM: eridan holds a candle for everyone though
shelby: they were supposed to be competing to have the solos that feferi doesn't get
tZM: yes
tZM: it was the blackest of colour guard kismesis rivalries
tZM: they were positivvely diabolical
shelby: there are a lot of kismesis color guard rivalries
shelby: it's downright nasty
tZM: it's a cutthroat world
tZM: and if you screw up in rehearsal you're CULL-------ED!
tZM: (translation: forced to watch Squiddles after school)
tZM: (Feferi offers you more practice time)
shelby: NO ONE WANTS THAT
tZM: NOBODY
tZM: except jade
tZM: jade's always there
tZM: for squiddles time
tZM: but yes Rose leaves winter guard
tZM: goes to marching band
tZM: she and Kanaya now smoulder at each other (ROSE IS INTO KANAYA; KANAYA MUST NEVER KNOW)
tZM: (KANAYA IS INTO ROSE; ROSE MUST NEVER KNOW)
shelby: NO ONE MUST KNOW
tZM: NO ONE!!
shelby: and then rose finally asks her to prom just in time for it to be very inconvenient for karkat
tZM: karkat thinks COULD YOU NOT HAVE WAITED!!!
tZM: then again karkat kanaya's so happy how can you begrudge her that
tZM: also i bet it was the LONGEST MOST BELABOURED OFFER TO GO TO PROM
tZM: because you know, kanaya, she has long held you in the utmost esteem
tZM: as esteem goes, it's safely in the box marked 'utmost'
shelby: aaahh omg yes. and then they get fabulous dresses and are fabulous.
tZM: so fabulous
shelby: and prom ended happily for everyone ever after except for eridan
tZM: i love that it's kind of an eighties montage of what happened to who
tZM: ARADIA CONSENTED TO A DANCE WITH EQUIUS. EQUIUS WAS LATER TREATED AT A HOSPITAL FOR SWEAT-RELATED DEHYDRATION
shelby: AJFDkjhfsdfhdjf
shelby: FIVE PEOPLE WERE SENT HOME WITH CONCUSSIONS DUE TO GAMZEE'S DANCE MOVES
tZM: HE'S REALLY SORRY GUYS
shelby: AFTER BEING PAID TO SPIKE THE PUNCH, TEREZI PROCEEDED TO "GR1ND UP" ON EVERYONE ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
tZM: EVERYONE
tZM: EVERYBODY
tZM: except eridan
shelby: :(
shelby: even the parent chaperones
tZM: oh god please say the parent chaperones
tZM: are mrs. lalonde and mr. egbert
shelby: yes. yes.
shelby: Dad is a chaperone at like every band event too
tZM: Dad is always the chaperone
tZM: Karkat notes that this DOES NOT STOP JOHN AND VRISKA from doing the DIRTY DANCING THING THEY DO EVERY GODDAMN PROM
shelby: CONGRATULATIONS, SON. YOU ARE NOW AN ADULT MAN.
tZM: haha, we're just friends dad!
tZM: and it's true
tZM: they are
tZM: they just love that movie
tZM: they argue over who gets to be patrick swayze in this dirty dancing homage
shelby: they just take turns being patrick swayze
shelby: the next monday in band everyone's like MR. NOIR DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT PROM and he's like fuck no
tZM: i was off having my own prom, you little dipshits
tZM: and by my own prom
tZM: i mean i was drinkin'
tZM: and he was. and not even with mr. boxcars, mr. droog and mr. deuce. he was drinking by himself
tZM: in front of the infomercial channel
tZM: in his boxer shorts
shelby: best night he's had in a while
tZM: so relaxing
tZM: but yeah karkat does not need to see john doing ANY OF THIS SHIT
tZM: he is consumed with sadness lust
shelby: even when john's dancing with jade.
tZM: and they're doing the mashed potato
shelby: he ends up hanging out with eridan for a while but that is too bleak even for him at this point
tZM: Eridan is inured to this by now
tZM: He doesn't even hit on him
tZM: much
tZM: he does for nostalgia's sake but can't really manage
shelby: they just sit there sipping on terrible spiked punch but like tiny little baby sips
tZM: they're a little drunk
tZM: they don't have much resistance
tZM: karkat's like GOD LOOK AT HIM. HE'S SO BEAUTIFUL. HE IS SO UNBELIEVABLY BEAUTIFUL AND I AM SO HIDEOUS AND UNLOVABLE AND A RIDICULOUS JOKE NEXT TO HOW BEAUTIFUL HE IS.
eridan's like i knoww hey i knoww its okay
like do you knoww if you get up reel close next to fef she smells a little like pretzels
OH GOD WHAT HAVE I BECOME
shelby: THIS IS ROCK BOTTOM
shelby: and then "Fergalicious" comes on and John runs over all THIS IS OUR SONG
tZM: ferg
tZM: a
tZM: licious
shelby: john just arbitrarily decided that was their song
tZM: like ten songs are "their songs"
shelby: i'm the f to the e r g the i the e and can't no other lady put it down like me I'M FERGALICIOUS
tZM: John is singing along
tZM: he knows each line
shelby: i feel you john
shelby: i know all the words
tZM: hahhahshahh
tZM: does john also know all the words to
tZM: "toxic"
shelby: dfuhsdkjfshdf
shelby: karkat does not know how to interpret this
tZM: it's still better than hanging out in the sadness position next to eridan
shelby: "i got reasons why i tease 'em, boys come and go like seasons"
shelby: this song is ridic
tZM: karkat
tZM: how are you in love
tZM: with a guy
tZM: who knows
tZM: all these lyrics
shelby: he asks himself that question every day
shelby: I BE UP IN THE GYM JUST WORKIN ON MY FITNESS, HE'S MY WITNESS
shelby: oh god the "SEXY" part of the song
tZM: i'm listening and dying
tZM: all of me is dying
shelby: karkat does not know how to interpret this
tZM: how drunk is john
tZM: by this point
tZM: well, "drunk"
shelby: baby, baby, baby, if you really want me, honey get some patience, maybe then you'll get a taste
shelby: WHAT
shelby: he's had like one drink
shelby: which is like 2% alcohol
tZM: yeah
tZM: the stuff terezi spiked the punch with couldn't get nepeta drunk
tZM: but the point is they all think they are drunk
tZM: which is why john keeps on winking so hard at karkat it looks like nervous tic blinking
shelby: it's terrible
shelby: oh god terezi LOVES this song
tZM: IS SHE DANCING TO IT
shelby: she's trying to get john to let her dance up on karkat too and that is making everything worse
tZM: this is just like middle school prom where they ineptly danced with terezi's arms really stiffly around his shoulders!
tZM: only not!
shelby: except it's T-T-T-T-T4STY T4STY
shelby: also
shelby: youtube comments: "Lmfaoo This Song Taught Me How 2 Spell Delicious" KANAYA HOW DRUNK WERE YOU
shelby: WHO ACTUALLY TYPES LIKE THAT
tZM: DRUNKEN KANAYA
shelby: "Lmfaoo"
tZM: Lmfaooo is my favourite part
shelby: why is kanaya drunk and listening to Fergalicious on youtube
shelby: why is her screenname BabyGirl227
tZM: i don't know but now i want to know
shelby: there's a story behind this
tZM: maybe this was previous prom where she and karkat split a beer and sat on youtube for three hours
shelby: yeah that prom didn't end in kisses for either of them
shelby: by the end of the night they're just like LMFAOOO
tZM: Lmfaoo
tZM: LMFAOO
shelby: leaving comments on everyone's facebook walls
tZM: that was a bad thing to wake up to
shelby: karkat! i saw you wrote on my wall but when i tried to check it, it was deleted?
tZM: yes
tZM: yes
tZM: yes
tZM: yes
tZM: it was an incoherent five page long litany about how cool john was
shelby: there were smiley faces and interjections where kanaya wrote stuff in there too
tZM: it was amazing
shelby: also someone on tumblr wanted to know how rose and kanaya get together
shelby: WE HOPE THAT ANSWERED YOUR QUESTION......????
tZM: YEAH LIKE I GUESS AFTER THAT PROM THEY MAKE OUT THE WHOLE WEEKEND AND KANAYA ON SUNDAY LOOKS AT THE NINETY-FOUR TEXTS KARKAT HAS SENT HER ALL WELP
shelby: well it all worked out without her meddling
shelby: somehow
tZM: she don't curr
shelby: but karkat is still mad some of those texts were in times of serious distress
shelby: he could have died
tZM: he could have DIED while you were busy giving LALONDE A HICKEY ON HER ELBOW OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT WAS YOU WERE DOING
shelby: That Is An Unusual Location
tZM: I Dont Think Shed Be Entirely Receptive To Having A Hickey On Her Elbow
tZM: I Just Asked And She Said She Would Not Protest Merely That It Would Be Weird
shelby: karkat thought that was kind of a sexy place for a hickey. but. you know. whatever.
tZM: so was dave an asshole and totally sent everyone any text john told him in confidence about his and karkat's beautiful prom night
shelby: rude dave
shelby: rude
tZM: look would YOU keep those pieces of poetry to yourself
shelby: jack wants to know how the fuck strider got his cell phone number
tZM: ha ha okay that is admittedly fucking hilarious
tZM: still
tZM: monday he's stabbing you
shelby: one time my friend accidentally sent our band director a text that was intended to be for her boyfriend
shelby: THAT was hilarious
tZM: what was the gist of the text
shelby: it was just like
shelby: "goodnight sweetie!! i love you!"
shelby: and he texted her back
shelby: like
shelby: "i don't think this was intended for me"
tZM: now i am pretending dave has done that on purpose
shelby: so maybe sometimes dave --yes
tZM: goodnight sweetie i love you
shelby: xoxo
tZM: i don't think this was intended for me kid
tZM: yeah it was
tZM: xoxo
shelby: jkfhjkds
shelby: GASPING FOR BREATHS OH MY GOD
shelby: jack's just like ... okay whatever
tZM: what are you wearing
tZM: goodnight strider
shelby: kjhkjfhdfhsd
shelby: jack really regrets being forced to give out his number "in case of emergency" at disney world
tZM: he keeps on meaning to get another cellphone so he can escape the kids texting him
shelby: band teachers don't get paid that much though
tZM: except snowman
tZM: who is somehow paid a lot
shelby: everyone is paid a lot at Felt High
shelby: they have tablecloths in the cafeteria or some shit
shelby: and it's a public school
tZM: i just want john and karkat to have terrible prom kisses is that wrong
shelby: in their hotel room that has two beds
tZM: terezi's in the room next door jumping up and down on her bed so it squeaks
tZM: and she's moaning
shelby: dflkhsdfsdjfsdfj
shelby: HOW DID SHE GET THE ROOM NEXT DOOR
tZM: LOOK, AHS ALL USED THE SAME AWFUL HOTEL
tZM: BECAUSE IT WAS CLOSE TO THE VENUE
shelby: does terezi manage to seduce dave with her terrible dragon tattoo dress
tZM: uh of COURSE
shelby: he could never resist that
shelby: not even for a moment
tZM: also i hope she came covered in dragon temporary tattoos
shelby: she brought extra
tZM: he sits shirtless on the bed while she covers him in temporary tattoos
tZM: it's romantic
shelby: with her tongue
tZM: yes
shelby: saliva tattoos
tZM: he's like tz this isnt hot
shelby: (BUT IT IS)
tZM: and then they get the hell out of there because no way no how is he ever going to get up to shenanigans with egbert in the next room
tZM: he cannot listen to him macking on vantas
tZM: it murdered his boner in the conservatory with the candlestick
shelby: but where do they go
tZM: lknadlfnsfa
tZM: um
shelby: IHOP
tZM: IHOP
tZM: THEY GO TO IHOP
tZM: AND HE BUYS HER A NANNERPUSS
shelby: WHAT IS... THAT
shelby: NEVERMIND
shelby: I JUST GOOGLED IT
shelby: I'M DYING
And then Ceph, inkpool, fyretoppaaa and I sensitively unpacked Shelby's fic about prom, but I lost the analysis and am still in mourning for it. I may be in mourning for it forever.