My Declaration of Fuckin' Independence
Well, I've been writing a very private journal for about a month now, completely realizing why I came to despise livejournaling back in fall...some, perhaps most, of my thoughts are just too damned private for the public to know, and posting privately online just seems dumb to me. But for shits 'n' giggles I think I'll share some of my thoughts again, so the chiq is back. Because this is my first entry back, this is gonna be a relatively deep and lengthy one.
I will not bore you all with the details of the year, but instead will sum it up in a few words: painful, sad, enlightening, ridiculous. Just downright re-cock-ulous a lot of the time. I look at my previous postings, and I wonder "wtf...how did things get so beyond me?" I'm 21, and I don't know how to act my age. I'm either absurdly old or young in my behavior, and somewhere along the way I forgot how to have fun. My past has jaded me, and this year has been an adventure in learning to trust and have faith again. All too fittingly, now, on July 4th, I can say this...I am ready to face my future, forgetting the past, as long as I maintain my independence.
Ever since I was a little girl, I had to be the strong, rock-steady, reliable, independent one. My brother was a wreck and I had to be the "normal" child. When my mom had cancer, when innumerable family members got sick and passed, when my brother was arrested and hospitalized for the umpteen-millonth time, when my dad was diagnosed as having a terminal illness, when I was having heart problems and anxiety issues, even when I had a fucking gun pointed at me or a knife held to my throat by my brother, I had to be the one on standby, ready to help in any way, all the while maintaining a stiff upper lip! Well, needless to say, no one can do that, but damned if I could let people in to help by that point...and I was angry; it still hurts now, but the anger has mostly faded, leaving me just with the scars and demons of what was otherwise a pleasant childhood. I love my family more than ever now, but I've nearly destroyed myself when trying to erase/forget the past.
Just recently it became glaringly apparent to me why, until this past fall, I had not actually even attempted a relationship since 3 years before that, and in all fairness, my longest, most serious relationship still remains the 6 agonizing months I spent with my boyfriend whom I met at the end of the year freshman year in high school!!! There was cheating and yelling and genuine emotion...emotion I've never really allowed myself since, except in regards to loved ones passing. The real emotion is always there, but I run from it out of fear. I push people away. I'm afraid to love someone (a man) because I'm afraid of 1) losing him like I've lost so many people in my life and 2) losing my independence.
On the outside I am strong, and I suppose in many ways intimidating, but if more people knew the real me, the compassionate, loving, kind, funny, and timid girl, they'd be shocked. I guess I've been hiding for years, and I can't/won't just give that up, but I am willing to concede with some, as long as I don't ever have to be controlled by a man. Ironically, my healthiest "relationship" with a guy probably isn't even all that healthy, seeing as we've crossed many lines and he doesn't even live in the same state. Thank the Lord that it's not romantic, even though I do love and cherish him as a fellow Christian and dear friend. I have nothing to fear from him, though, and so I can be open and honest with him, a phenomenon I hate. It just happens.
But I fear the control that giving my love to someone gives him. The only time I allow a man to even remotely control me is when I'm intoxicated, and this is one reason why I don't "date"...it's dumb I know, but still. It's something I'm in the process of changing, but make no mistake, even if I allow genuine emotion, I will NOT surrender my independence. I'm willing to give my heart, but not my independence...anyway, Happy Independence Day! Drink a beer (or many) on me :)
I will not bore you all with the details of the year, but instead will sum it up in a few words: painful, sad, enlightening, ridiculous. Just downright re-cock-ulous a lot of the time. I look at my previous postings, and I wonder "wtf...how did things get so beyond me?" I'm 21, and I don't know how to act my age. I'm either absurdly old or young in my behavior, and somewhere along the way I forgot how to have fun. My past has jaded me, and this year has been an adventure in learning to trust and have faith again. All too fittingly, now, on July 4th, I can say this...I am ready to face my future, forgetting the past, as long as I maintain my independence.
Ever since I was a little girl, I had to be the strong, rock-steady, reliable, independent one. My brother was a wreck and I had to be the "normal" child. When my mom had cancer, when innumerable family members got sick and passed, when my brother was arrested and hospitalized for the umpteen-millonth time, when my dad was diagnosed as having a terminal illness, when I was having heart problems and anxiety issues, even when I had a fucking gun pointed at me or a knife held to my throat by my brother, I had to be the one on standby, ready to help in any way, all the while maintaining a stiff upper lip! Well, needless to say, no one can do that, but damned if I could let people in to help by that point...and I was angry; it still hurts now, but the anger has mostly faded, leaving me just with the scars and demons of what was otherwise a pleasant childhood. I love my family more than ever now, but I've nearly destroyed myself when trying to erase/forget the past.
Just recently it became glaringly apparent to me why, until this past fall, I had not actually even attempted a relationship since 3 years before that, and in all fairness, my longest, most serious relationship still remains the 6 agonizing months I spent with my boyfriend whom I met at the end of the year freshman year in high school!!! There was cheating and yelling and genuine emotion...emotion I've never really allowed myself since, except in regards to loved ones passing. The real emotion is always there, but I run from it out of fear. I push people away. I'm afraid to love someone (a man) because I'm afraid of 1) losing him like I've lost so many people in my life and 2) losing my independence.
On the outside I am strong, and I suppose in many ways intimidating, but if more people knew the real me, the compassionate, loving, kind, funny, and timid girl, they'd be shocked. I guess I've been hiding for years, and I can't/won't just give that up, but I am willing to concede with some, as long as I don't ever have to be controlled by a man. Ironically, my healthiest "relationship" with a guy probably isn't even all that healthy, seeing as we've crossed many lines and he doesn't even live in the same state. Thank the Lord that it's not romantic, even though I do love and cherish him as a fellow Christian and dear friend. I have nothing to fear from him, though, and so I can be open and honest with him, a phenomenon I hate. It just happens.
But I fear the control that giving my love to someone gives him. The only time I allow a man to even remotely control me is when I'm intoxicated, and this is one reason why I don't "date"...it's dumb I know, but still. It's something I'm in the process of changing, but make no mistake, even if I allow genuine emotion, I will NOT surrender my independence. I'm willing to give my heart, but not my independence...anyway, Happy Independence Day! Drink a beer (or many) on me :)