retardation
I feel like drowning everything in working out right now; if I can't be free of things or start something new and fun in my life I might as well get hot in the process. I'm sick of never having people to hang out with; even my fucking roommates never ask me if I want a drink when they make a pitcher of margaritas or ask if I'd like to go running with them. I mean "what the fuck?!" I'm right there, you could at least pretend you care! Currently my personal (romantic and non-romantic) life can be summed up in this one statement I made to a friend tonight:
"You know if this is what being "amazing" gets me then being amazing sucks....I know one boy who likes to be a perv and I enjoy that but he has issues with the roomie, I have you who has issues with finding me attractive and trying to spare the best friend, and then I have the King of All Retards telling me how "I know" him and how that "scares him" who won't be a close friend b/c he ACTUALLY LIKES BEING AROUND ME!!!....you've all fucking lost your marbles"
And in each part of the statement there is the one common thread: the King of All Retards...I don't even dare to comment on him in my current state...
I'm just really frustrated lately. It's summer and as per usual my life if stagnant despite having a job, taking classes, doing drumline stuff, and talking to new people. If those things can't keep me statisfied (along with my love of God), then what is missing? I talk to my parents, my friends...I certainly have plenty of love (even if it's not coming from my friends :-P)...I doubt I'm missing love, but sometimes I just don't feel like I'm good enough for even something as simple as a casual dating relationship. Is something wrong with me? The verdict seems to be that I'm threatening because I'm "attractive and intelligent." Aren't those supposed to be good things?! I just don't know anymore...I don't even feel like I want to date but right now it would nice to feel wanted on this earth in some way at all...but it's definitely one of those situations where I could disappear and my work would probably be the first to realize that I'm not around.....
This is just getting more depressing the more I write...time to go to bed and forget I had these thoughts.
"You know if this is what being "amazing" gets me then being amazing sucks....I know one boy who likes to be a perv and I enjoy that but he has issues with the roomie, I have you who has issues with finding me attractive and trying to spare the best friend, and then I have the King of All Retards telling me how "I know" him and how that "scares him" who won't be a close friend b/c he ACTUALLY LIKES BEING AROUND ME!!!....you've all fucking lost your marbles"
And in each part of the statement there is the one common thread: the King of All Retards...I don't even dare to comment on him in my current state...
I'm just really frustrated lately. It's summer and as per usual my life if stagnant despite having a job, taking classes, doing drumline stuff, and talking to new people. If those things can't keep me statisfied (along with my love of God), then what is missing? I talk to my parents, my friends...I certainly have plenty of love (even if it's not coming from my friends :-P)...I doubt I'm missing love, but sometimes I just don't feel like I'm good enough for even something as simple as a casual dating relationship. Is something wrong with me? The verdict seems to be that I'm threatening because I'm "attractive and intelligent." Aren't those supposed to be good things?! I just don't know anymore...I don't even feel like I want to date but right now it would nice to feel wanted on this earth in some way at all...but it's definitely one of those situations where I could disappear and my work would probably be the first to realize that I'm not around.....
This is just getting more depressing the more I write...time to go to bed and forget I had these thoughts.