Flaws
Title - Flaws
Author - unwritten_ideas
Rating - PG
Word Count - 1,412
Pairing - Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You both have their flaws
Notes - this starts very abruptly because that's how it jumped into my mind. I couldn't think of a better way to start it so instead we're jumping into the middle of the conversation.
I'm just glad to have finally written something again.
“It’s always been you, Gaku. Even when it was other people, it was still you. I was just,” You paused before continuing, “I was just settling, I guess.”
“So does that mean we can…”
“No,” You answered sharply, cutting Gackt’s suggestion dead. He didn’t want to hear Gackt say the words he knew were coming.
Gackt was confused. “Why not? You just admitted that you’re in love with me, even if you didn’t use those exact words it’s what you meant, right?”
You bit his lip. Gackt was stood before him, all open and honest and wanting and it was almost more than You could stand. When Gackt wasn’t hiding behind his rock star persona the man was a far more difficult animal to deal with, You thought. It was easy to remain distant from the rock star but the real Gaku, the one that stood before him now with wide, pleading eyes and a shy smile on his lips was difficult to deny.
“I do love you,” You replied.
Gackt smiled, but the gesture quickly disappeared. “I do love you,” Gackt said, quoting You, before prompting “but…”
You smiled sadly. “I do love you,” he repeated, “but you don’t want what comes next.”
“What do you mean? ‘I don’t want what comes next.’ What comes next?”
“A relationship,” You explained. “Monogamy. Sunday mornings lazing around in front of the TV. Meeting parents and picking out home furnishings together. A relationship.”
Gackt reached out to touch his fingers to the side of You’s face. You closed his eyes and allowed himself to enjoy the feel of Gackt’s guitar string worn fingers stroke his skin for the briefest of seconds before stepping back and pushing Gackt’s hand away.
Gackt felt his breath stick in his throat. He could feel himself losing control of the situation and couldn’t ignore the feeling that something important was falling from his grasp.
“I want that,” Gackt answered quietly. “I do.”
You sighed. “Maybe you do,” he acquiesced, “but you can’t do it, no matter how much you may think you want to.”
“I don’t understand,” Gackt said. And honestly, he didn’t.
It had been a long time since You had seen such confusion etched onto Gackt’s face and it made the singer look younger and smaller somehow. For the first time in several years, You could see the naïve, scared and uncertain outsider that he’d first met and fallen in love with all of those years ago.
That wasn’t making things any easier for You.
“I’ve seen you in relationships, Gaku. I’ve seen you cheat on and mistreat everyone you’ve ever dated. I don’t think you even realize what you’re doing most of the time, but you do it all of the same. Why should I believe that things would be any different with me?”
“I love you,” Gackt answered. “That’s why.”
This time, You couldn’t find the willpower to push Gackt away when the singer reached out to him. He allowed the singer to embrace him and even hugged the smaller man back, his arms wrapping around Gackt instantly - one at the man’s trim waist and the other around his increasingly broadening shoulders. Gackt buried his head into the crook of You’s neck and You could feel Gackt’s hot breath dance across his skin.
This felt right, You had to admit, but he knew that it was wrong. Still, he couldn’t let go.
“I don’t think that will be enough,” You said sadly. “I’m sure that, at the start, you will have every intention of things being different with me but ultimately, it’ll end in the same way as every other relationship you’ve ever been in has.
“You need people to love you, Gaku,” You continued, his voice dropping to a whisper, “as many people as possible. You need people to tell you that you’re beautiful and you need people to prove to you that they think that. It makes you seek out people and because of that need, you will never be secure with just one person. Until you can face and beat those insecurities, we can never happen.”
When Gackt’s only answer was to hold onto him tighter, You knew that deep down, Gackt knew it to be true too. You had always been impressed by Gackt’s self awareness of his own flaws, even if Gackt did nothing to correct them.
“I’d rather deal with the pain of never being with you, than the pain of having you, losing you and being hurt by you,” You said honestly.
“You make me sound like a horrible human being,” Gackt replied.
“Not really,” You said, his lips brushing lightly over Gackt’s temple. He could allow himself that little contact, at least. “We all have our flaws.”
“I’m struggling to think of yours.”
“Well, I don’t like being alone so I enter into relationships with people knowing that they can never work out because they aren’t you,” You replied. “I think that’s pretty shitty of me, really.”
“You’re my biggest regret, you know,” Gackt said.
You was surprised by Gackt’s admission and twisted his neck so that he could see the singer better but still, he couldn’t see the emotions playing out on Gackt’s face. Gackt’s forehead was resting against his shoulder now, hiding the other man from You’s view. You wanted to see him, to try and discover what was running through Gackt’s mind but Gackt had a habit of closing down when he felt like he was being scrutinized and observed so instead You ran his fingers through Gackt’s shortened hair and simply asked “why?”
“I regret pulling you into my lifestyle,” Gackt explained. “You quit your job and studies to join my band. You moved all the way to Tokyo despite hating it,” Gackt paused. “And now you’re alone and waiting for me to do something that might never happen.”
“You make it sound like I didn’t have a choice. You didn’t pull me into anything.”
“Didn’t I?” Gackt asked. “I don’t think I was entirely honest with you about what being in my band meant.”
“No, you weren’t,” You agreed. “But you didn’t need to be. You only sold me the good points but I already knew how low it could get from living through your final days with Malice Mizer. I walked into this with my eyes open and I could have walked out any time. I chose to stay.”
“But…”
“No, Gaku,” You stated firmly. “I chose to stay with you and I still choose to stay with you. Even now.”
Gackt stood straight and took a step back, ending the embrace. You was glad that Gackt had done so, because he didn’t think he ever would have been able to.
“I know you will always stay with me and I am truly thankful for that,” Gackt said, ”but one day, I will also be a man that you want to take a chance on.”
There was a quiver in Gackt’s otherwise strong voice that You thought would be impolite to draw attention to, but it pulled at his heart all the same.
You smiled and nodded his head. “I have no doubt that one day, you will be.”
“I wish I was that man now, but…” Gackt’s voice trailed off. You could tell that Gackt’s awkwardness and inability to show his weakness and flaws were threatening to overcome him. “You’re right. It wouldn’t work between us, not now. I’d rather wait until I know that we have a chance.”
“I’ve waited for you for twenty years Gaku,” You said with a shrug, as if twenty years was nothing, “a few more won’t matter.”
Gackt had no answer to that. All he could do was close his eyes and nod in acknowledgment.
“We should get back to work before Chacha sends a search and rescue party for us,” You said.
“Chacha is probably appreciating the peace and quiet,” Gackt joked, although to You, the joke sounded very forced.
“Let’s go and disturb him then,” You smiled before lowering his voice and continuing. “It’ll be okay, Gaku. Really. You’re worth waiting for.”
You was out the door before Gackt had even finished processing his words. Gackt stood there in his empty dressing room and thought about all that had been said. You had so much faith in him, far more faith than he had in himself, and he just hoped that one he would be able to repay all of that faith.
~owari
Author - unwritten_ideas
Rating - PG
Word Count - 1,412
Pairing - Gackt x You
Characters - Gackt, You
Disclaimer - don’t own squat and if I did, I’d be posting this with pictures
Summary - Gackt and You both have their flaws
Notes - this starts very abruptly because that's how it jumped into my mind. I couldn't think of a better way to start it so instead we're jumping into the middle of the conversation.
I'm just glad to have finally written something again.
“It’s always been you, Gaku. Even when it was other people, it was still you. I was just,” You paused before continuing, “I was just settling, I guess.”
“So does that mean we can…”
“No,” You answered sharply, cutting Gackt’s suggestion dead. He didn’t want to hear Gackt say the words he knew were coming.
Gackt was confused. “Why not? You just admitted that you’re in love with me, even if you didn’t use those exact words it’s what you meant, right?”
You bit his lip. Gackt was stood before him, all open and honest and wanting and it was almost more than You could stand. When Gackt wasn’t hiding behind his rock star persona the man was a far more difficult animal to deal with, You thought. It was easy to remain distant from the rock star but the real Gaku, the one that stood before him now with wide, pleading eyes and a shy smile on his lips was difficult to deny.
“I do love you,” You replied.
Gackt smiled, but the gesture quickly disappeared. “I do love you,” Gackt said, quoting You, before prompting “but…”
You smiled sadly. “I do love you,” he repeated, “but you don’t want what comes next.”
“What do you mean? ‘I don’t want what comes next.’ What comes next?”
“A relationship,” You explained. “Monogamy. Sunday mornings lazing around in front of the TV. Meeting parents and picking out home furnishings together. A relationship.”
Gackt reached out to touch his fingers to the side of You’s face. You closed his eyes and allowed himself to enjoy the feel of Gackt’s guitar string worn fingers stroke his skin for the briefest of seconds before stepping back and pushing Gackt’s hand away.
Gackt felt his breath stick in his throat. He could feel himself losing control of the situation and couldn’t ignore the feeling that something important was falling from his grasp.
“I want that,” Gackt answered quietly. “I do.”
You sighed. “Maybe you do,” he acquiesced, “but you can’t do it, no matter how much you may think you want to.”
“I don’t understand,” Gackt said. And honestly, he didn’t.
It had been a long time since You had seen such confusion etched onto Gackt’s face and it made the singer look younger and smaller somehow. For the first time in several years, You could see the naïve, scared and uncertain outsider that he’d first met and fallen in love with all of those years ago.
That wasn’t making things any easier for You.
“I’ve seen you in relationships, Gaku. I’ve seen you cheat on and mistreat everyone you’ve ever dated. I don’t think you even realize what you’re doing most of the time, but you do it all of the same. Why should I believe that things would be any different with me?”
“I love you,” Gackt answered. “That’s why.”
This time, You couldn’t find the willpower to push Gackt away when the singer reached out to him. He allowed the singer to embrace him and even hugged the smaller man back, his arms wrapping around Gackt instantly - one at the man’s trim waist and the other around his increasingly broadening shoulders. Gackt buried his head into the crook of You’s neck and You could feel Gackt’s hot breath dance across his skin.
This felt right, You had to admit, but he knew that it was wrong. Still, he couldn’t let go.
“I don’t think that will be enough,” You said sadly. “I’m sure that, at the start, you will have every intention of things being different with me but ultimately, it’ll end in the same way as every other relationship you’ve ever been in has.
“You need people to love you, Gaku,” You continued, his voice dropping to a whisper, “as many people as possible. You need people to tell you that you’re beautiful and you need people to prove to you that they think that. It makes you seek out people and because of that need, you will never be secure with just one person. Until you can face and beat those insecurities, we can never happen.”
When Gackt’s only answer was to hold onto him tighter, You knew that deep down, Gackt knew it to be true too. You had always been impressed by Gackt’s self awareness of his own flaws, even if Gackt did nothing to correct them.
“I’d rather deal with the pain of never being with you, than the pain of having you, losing you and being hurt by you,” You said honestly.
“You make me sound like a horrible human being,” Gackt replied.
“Not really,” You said, his lips brushing lightly over Gackt’s temple. He could allow himself that little contact, at least. “We all have our flaws.”
“I’m struggling to think of yours.”
“Well, I don’t like being alone so I enter into relationships with people knowing that they can never work out because they aren’t you,” You replied. “I think that’s pretty shitty of me, really.”
“You’re my biggest regret, you know,” Gackt said.
You was surprised by Gackt’s admission and twisted his neck so that he could see the singer better but still, he couldn’t see the emotions playing out on Gackt’s face. Gackt’s forehead was resting against his shoulder now, hiding the other man from You’s view. You wanted to see him, to try and discover what was running through Gackt’s mind but Gackt had a habit of closing down when he felt like he was being scrutinized and observed so instead You ran his fingers through Gackt’s shortened hair and simply asked “why?”
“I regret pulling you into my lifestyle,” Gackt explained. “You quit your job and studies to join my band. You moved all the way to Tokyo despite hating it,” Gackt paused. “And now you’re alone and waiting for me to do something that might never happen.”
“You make it sound like I didn’t have a choice. You didn’t pull me into anything.”
“Didn’t I?” Gackt asked. “I don’t think I was entirely honest with you about what being in my band meant.”
“No, you weren’t,” You agreed. “But you didn’t need to be. You only sold me the good points but I already knew how low it could get from living through your final days with Malice Mizer. I walked into this with my eyes open and I could have walked out any time. I chose to stay.”
“But…”
“No, Gaku,” You stated firmly. “I chose to stay with you and I still choose to stay with you. Even now.”
Gackt stood straight and took a step back, ending the embrace. You was glad that Gackt had done so, because he didn’t think he ever would have been able to.
“I know you will always stay with me and I am truly thankful for that,” Gackt said, ”but one day, I will also be a man that you want to take a chance on.”
There was a quiver in Gackt’s otherwise strong voice that You thought would be impolite to draw attention to, but it pulled at his heart all the same.
You smiled and nodded his head. “I have no doubt that one day, you will be.”
“I wish I was that man now, but…” Gackt’s voice trailed off. You could tell that Gackt’s awkwardness and inability to show his weakness and flaws were threatening to overcome him. “You’re right. It wouldn’t work between us, not now. I’d rather wait until I know that we have a chance.”
“I’ve waited for you for twenty years Gaku,” You said with a shrug, as if twenty years was nothing, “a few more won’t matter.”
Gackt had no answer to that. All he could do was close his eyes and nod in acknowledgment.
“We should get back to work before Chacha sends a search and rescue party for us,” You said.
“Chacha is probably appreciating the peace and quiet,” Gackt joked, although to You, the joke sounded very forced.
“Let’s go and disturb him then,” You smiled before lowering his voice and continuing. “It’ll be okay, Gaku. Really. You’re worth waiting for.”
You was out the door before Gackt had even finished processing his words. Gackt stood there in his empty dressing room and thought about all that had been said. You had so much faith in him, far more faith than he had in himself, and he just hoped that one he would be able to repay all of that faith.
~owari