Last Christmas: Part Three
Title: Last Christmas
Fandom: Naruto
Pairing: Gaara/Naruto, past Sasuke/Naruto, side Sasuke/Temari, mentioned others.
Rating: T
Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, GaaNaru would be canon. Believe it.
Summary: Last Christmas, Uzumaki Naruto's heart got broken. This year, he's hoping for something better.
Part One Part Two
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December 23rd
Snow was falling thickly outside, which meant everyone was stuck inside. In the morning, everyone had mostly stayed in the living room, talking and catching up. As the hours passed, people started to split up and move around the house.
Naruto was in the second floor ballroom, seated at the grand piano. He'd played ever since he was a child; it was the only type of art he'd ever been exposed to, growing up. He'd been an orphan ever since he was six months old and had mostly lived in orphanages until he was finally adopted at seventeen. The orphanages he'd stayed at had been ratty, old places with too many children and too little space, but one of them had had a piano. It had been a messy thing, falling apart, with many of the keys missing and out of tune but . . . it had been all Naruto had had. Every day, he'd sneak in there and plunk on a few keys, figuring out for himself what worked and what didn't.
It hadn't been until he was seven that he'd gotten a teacher of sorts. One of the men who worked at the orphanage had been a musician; he'd walked in on Naruto practicing one day and had offered to teach him the basics of it all. Naruto had found that he'd already known most of it, and his teacher had called him a prodigy. All Naruto had known was that he loved the music; that it drew away his troubles and left him at peace.
Naruto stared down at the black and white keys in front of him. He hadn't played for a while. The last time he'd placed his hands on a piano had been eight months ago. He'd gone up to his baby grand and opened the lid, and had proceeded to play the angriest and most mournful music he'd ever produced in his entire life. By the time the music had bled out of him . . . Naruto had just felt drained. That was the closest he'd come to crying for the entire year. After that, he refused to touch a piano. He didn't think he could stand having something that had brought peace to him produce only anger and hatred and loneliness.
But something in him had cleansed since his breakdown. He felt as if . . . the part of him that housed that bitter, cynical anger had been washed away, replaced by the acceptance Naruto had been seeking for a year and had never found. The only way to know for sure . . . was to play the piano.
Naruto place a finger on a key. The single note was pure and untainted and perfectly in tune. Naruto smiled; the piano likely hadn't been used for quite some time, but the Hyuugas would never let it become dusty and out of tune. He played another note and it rang as purely as the first.
Naruto ran through scales first, to warm up his fingers. He found that after a year of disuse they were creaky and clumsy; but after some warm-ups they were much better. The beginnings of a smile hovered around his lips; he could do this.
Naruto's hands hovered delicately over the keys as he contemplated what to play. He could play quite a few classical pieces, but he'd always preferred modern music; they just seemed to have more passion to them. He had a quite a few favorites that he'd memorized, but his mind wandered to a song he'd heard recently, on a CD he'd purchased only a few weeks earlier. Naruto smiled and started setting up the opening chords. He breathed in deeply, feeling unused muscles creak, and then opened his mouth:
"Life's been blinding me
From what I thought I'd see
Is there clarity in this insanity?
What's she want from me?
Roads in front of me
Taking me astray
Are you leaving me?
Or are you leading the way?
Can you hear what I'm saying?
I need to know
I need to know
I need to know
I need to know."
He'd liked all of the songs on this particular CD, but this song had touched him the deepest. The singer's aching, longing vocals had touched a particular chord with Naruto, who had felt that longing so deeply for the last year. He'd listened to the song on the plane ride to Neji's place and when he'd first heard it, all he could do was lean back in his seat, close his eyes and listen. Now, in front of a piano and playing it as achingly as he could, Naruto closed his eyes again and let the music flow out of him. The next lyrics touched particularly deeply with him.
"Feel like I'm trying to
Breathe under water
Trying to climb but I
Keep falling farther
Will you take my hand?
Feels so far away
I want to see your face
Are you even there?
Can you show me?
Can you make me believe?
I need to know
I need to know
I need to know
I need to know
I need to know."
When the last note filled the air Naruto breathed out slowly and then smiled widely. He could play again! His song had been sad and longing, but the anger and bitterness that had filled him for the last year had bled out of it. He didn't think it was gone, but he felt that he'd been able to accept it. Perhaps, in time, he would come to even not realize it was a part of him anymore.
Slow clapping filled the air. Naruto's eyes snapped open and he turned to see Sasuke standing in the doorway, dark eyes focused on Naruto's face. His heart dropped; he couldn't deal with him now, not just as he was working through everything Sasuke had put him through.
"Well done, dobe," Sasuke said, managing to make the compliment sound like an insult. "I didn't know you could play the piano." He sounded almost accusing.
"I've been playing since I was five," Naruto snapped out. "What do you want, Sasuke?"
"The same thing I wanted in the library," Sasuke said, striding forward. "I want you."
Naruto laughed. "Somehow, I don't think your fiancé will like that very much," he said. He found, to his surprise, that his desperation for Sasuke had diminished. He didn't feel as intense of a longing for the man anymore. Sasuke's eyes narrowed.
"It won't matter to her," he coaxed. "Temari understands."
"Oh she does, does she?" Naruto snapped, angry now. "Did she understand last year?" Sasuke tensed. "Because, as I recall, last year she dumped you."
"What do you know about anything dobe?" Sasuke snarled.
Naruto's grin was angry. "I've never forgotten what happened the day we were to leave, asshole," he nearly whispered. "Never."
Naruto was depressed. It was the 27th and soon everyone would be leaving to go home to their families for their New Year celebrations. He looked across the room at where Sasuke stood, talking lowly to Neji and felt his heart constrict; he didn't want to leave him.
They'd kept their whirlwind romance a secret from everyone else; Naruto would've been fine with telling the world, but Sasuke had said that it would be better to tell them when they'd been together longer and were surer of their relationship. Naruto loved Sasuke . . . . so he agreed to keep it that way. Now, though, all he wanted was to rush across the room and kiss his lover goodbye without caring about what his friends would think. The only thing that stopped him was the thought of Sasuke's reaction.
As soon as Sasuke was done talking to Neji, Naruto drifted over to his side. "We need to talk," he murmured and Sasuke nodded discretely. When no one was watching, they slipped out of the room and into one of the nearby empty bedrooms. Naruto sat on the bed while Sasuke leaned against the wall near the doorway.
"So . . . ." Naruto sighed. "You go to Neji's school, right?" Sasuke nodded, frowning. "I can come visit in a month or so, I think." He smiled a little at the thought. Sasuke eyed him thoughtfully.
"Why would you visit?" Sasuke raised an eyebrow. It was Naruto's turn to frown.
"Of course I'll come visit!" he protested. When Sasuke didn't seem to understand, Naruto's chest tightened. "I mean . . . . we're in a relationship, aren't we?"
Sasuke stared at him for a long moment. "No," he said flatly, "we're not. I don't know what gave you that idea."
Naruto shivered. "What're you talking about?" he said, feeling very hurt and extremely foolish. "We've had sex every day for the past two weeks, asshole! You said we were together!"
Sasuke smirked suddenly. "That doesn't mean anything, dobe; I said what I needed to say," he said. He watched Naruto flinch with blank eyes. "What, you thought I loved you? Please. You were a good lay, and that was it. There's nothing else to it."
"You . . . you said you loved me," Naruto stammered. He didn't understand this; they'd be in love! What was Sasuke playing at?
"That's what you wanted to hear," Sasuke said bluntly, "so I said it to keep sleeping with you. And it worked, didn't it? But I've gotten a little bored with you."
"Bored with me?" Naruto's confusion was starting to turn into anger.
"Yeah," Sasuke shrugged, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "I mean, the sex was great but you can only have so much of it with the same person before it gets a little . . . blasé." He smirked a little.
"You son of a bitch," Naruto near-whispered and then swung his hand at Sasuke's face. Sasuke caught it before it could connect with his cheek and drew Naruto in close in a cheap imitation of a lover's embrace.
"You're nothing more than a good fuck, dobe," he whispered into Naruto's ear. "And that's all you'll ever be good for."
"You're wrong!" Naruto shouted, shaking. "I can be loved. I . . . I know I can." He tried to shove down the years of being told how worthless and freakish and loveless he was and focus. "I can be loved," he repeated, almost as if to convince himself. Sasuke stared at him with pitiless black eyes.
"No," Sasuke told him, "you can't."
Naruto ripped himself away from him. "And what, you can?" he shouted, angry at himself and at Sasuke. "You're nothing but a . . . cold, emotionless bastard! Who says you can be loved and I can't?"
"You loved me, didn't you?" Sasuke smirked coldly and Naruto flinched. "Of course I don't love you back . . . But I do love Temari. She'll be my wife someday, once she comes to her senses and decides to end this break we've been on." Sasuke's face twisted into an ugly snarl. Naruto felt a sharp spike of pain in his heart at knowing that Sasuke loved someone else.
"What, so I was just a convenient hole while your girlfriend denies you?" he snarled, feeling more vulnerable than he ever had in his life.
Sasuke looked at him, and his twisted expression fell away to leave nothing but blank, dark eyes behind. "Yeah," he drawled, "Pretty much." He didn't sound regretful.
Naruto stared at him. "I hope you rot in hell," he whispered and then ran from the room to find a convenient place to cry and lick his wounds in peace.
"I wonder why she got back together with you," Naruto drawled, surveying Sasuke as if he was scum on the bottom of his shoe. "You're nothing but a cold, emotionless bastard." He wondered if Sasuke would remember that Naruto had spat those words at him a year ago.
"Shut up," Sasuke snarled and then grabbed Naruto by the nape of his neck and pulled him close. Naruto felt his breath hitch despite himself at having Sasuke so close to him. The Uchiha must have felt it, because he smirked suddenly. "You still want me, don't you?" he murmured. "You're so pathetic, Naruto. You always were." He drew Naruto in closer.
Naruto broke away before Sasuke's lips could touch his. "No," he said strongly and scrambled away from the Uchiha. "Just . . . stay away from me, Uchiha."
Sasuke looked angry again. "Why should I?" he asked.
"Because . . . I don't want you," Naruto said firmly, and for the first time he felt as if he actually meant it.
"Of course you do, Naruto-" Sasuke started, looking even angrier.
"I do not think he does," a voice interrupted from the doorway and they both turned to see Gaara standing there, looking as blank as ever. "Perhaps you should leave him alone."
If Uchihas ever let emotions beyond anger and smugness reach their faces, then Sasuke would've looked embarrassed right then. As it was, his features turned cold and impassive instead. "I don't see why I should listen to you," he said frigidly. "This is between me and the dobe."
Naruto just looked at him. Uchiha Sasuke, he was coming to realize, was a spoiled, rich kid. He got what he wanted, when he wanted for so long that anytime anything was denied to him he tried all the harder to get it because of that. That was the only reason he was even still pursuing Naruto; if he had slept with him in the library then they wouldn't even be having this conversation right now. How, Naruto wondered, did I never realize this last year? He's . . . not worth it. He's never been worth it. But Naruto supposed love was stupid as well as blind.
"You should listen to him because he's right," Naruto said and moved to walk past Sasuke. Sasuke grabbed his wrist as he went by.
"This isn't over dobe," he said fiercely, but Naruto just picked his fingers away from his wrist.
"Yes," he said calmly, "I think it is."
Gaara and Naruto went to Naruto's room in silent agreement.
Naruto spread himself over his bed and Gaara perched in the only chair in the room. Naruto could feel his eyes boring into the back of his head, but didn't turn over. Instead, he stared at the wall in front of him and began to talk.
"Sasuke and I had a relationship last Christmas," he started. "It ended . . . well, it ended really badly." He was silent for a long moment. "I grew up in orphanages," he finally added. "They were all pretty bad places; they had too many kids and too little space and . . . well, a lot of the workers didn't have much patience for kids. The place I was at longest was called Konoha . . . . that was the worst place. There were these two caretakers there . . . Orochimaru and Kabuto were their names. They hated me. I never even knew why until . . . . Well, until I was older. But they tormented me whenever they could." Naruto smiled bitterly.
"I didn't have any friends until high school; Neji was the first person who decided to stick by me. Part of that is due to Orochimaru and Kabuto . . . they made sure all the kids in the orphanage stayed away from me. They taunted me every day, always calling me worthless and unloved and a freak. They said my mom was a whore and my father was a drunkard who didn't know his ass from his head and that they had abandoned me because they didn't think I was worth raising." Naruto snorted. "I never knew anything about my parents, no matter how often I tried to find any information, so I believed them. And because what they said about my parents was true . . . I figured they had to be right about me too. I had to be worthless and unlovable and a freak." Gaara made a dark, growling sound, but Naruto didn't look up.
"High school helped only a little. Having Neji as a friend . . . it was so wonderful, Gaara. But still, I always worried that Neji would leave me behind one day; would decide that I wasn't worth the effort and ditch me. I couldn't shake the little voice in the back of my head that whispered how little I deserved affection and how worthless I was." Naruto shook his head sadly. "Iruka - he's the one that adopted me - tried to help. He brought me to some therapists and psychologists but . . . that feeling just persisted. Years of being told that, of having it ingrained into my subconscious . . . well, it made its mark." Naruto laughed bitterly. "Orochimaru and Kabuto would be happy to know how much they've affected me."
He was silent for long moments. "I'm telling you all of this so that you'll understand," he said, more calmly. "It wasn't just Sasuke that affected me so much . . . . He was the catalyst, I guess, although I'm only realizing that now." Naruto took a deep breath. "Sasuke repeated everything I've ever been told my entire life when he broke up with me. I guess it was . . . the final straw for me. Something just . . . just broke."
"I went to school and I decided that I would show Sasuke. I got angry and desperate and decided that I was worthy to be loved. I'd do anything I had to so I could find it. So I changed my look; I remembered Neji always telling me how much better I'd look without my old style. I attracted a lot more notice that way . . . . and I began to go clubbing a lot more. Eventually . . . well, it led to a lot of casual sex and a lot of broken relationships." Naruto shivered. "I always expected too much and they always left. They didn't want to be . . . tied down by my, I guess."
"It hurt Gaara . . . so much. It was like everything Sasuke and Orochimaru and Kabuto and everyone had told me was coming true; I was unlovable. No one bothered to stay with me; they all left. And day by day . . . . I think I just lost more of myself. I looked in the mirror and I couldn't recognize myself in it anymore." He breathed out slowly. "Eventually, Sasuke came to be a sort of focal point for me, I think . . . He was the last person I'd felt truly happy with. I think . . . I wanted to be with him again because of that. But now, it's as if those feelings . . . have been drained out of me."
The room was silent for long moments. Naruto felt drained and tired, as if exposing himself so thoroughly had been as physical as it had been mental. He wondered what Gaara thought of him now. He liked the red-head; he felt so comfortable in his presence. That was why he'd decided to let so much of himself out to Gaara . . . he felt that the red-head would understand in a way that no one really ever had, not even Neji or Iruka.
"Uzumaki," Gaara murmured and Naruto felt the bed dip as Gaara set next to him on it. "My mother died when I was a child; my father blamed me for it. I was shunned in my family until I was fourteen and not allowed to leave the house for any reasons outside absolute necessity. I did not attend school . . . I never had any friends. My siblings were fearful of me because they believed my father when he told them that I was mentally unstable. The only way I was able to escape was because Temari discovered her conscience and set me free. I have spent the last years of my life learning what others have known since they were toddlers." Gaara paused. "We are very similar, you and I," he murmured. "But I do not believe either of us is unlovable."
Naruto felt tears drip out of the corner of his eyelids as Gaara placed a warm hand on the middle of his back. "How do you know you aren't wrong?" he asked, his voice cracking in the middle of the sentence.
Gaara contemplated the question before he gently turned Naruto over onto his back. Naruto tried to shield his face and prevent Gaara from seeing his tears, but Gaara pushed his hands away and looked him seriously in the eye.
"For a long time, I considered myself as loveless as you seem to believe you are," he said quietly. "A few years ago I came to talk with a woman called Tsunade. She was a rude woman, prone to gambling and drinking but . . . I remember something she said to me . . . 'You . . . were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around . . . Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wing and removing its ability to fly . . . A bird is not defined by being grounded but by his ability to fly.'" He smiled faintly. "It was a quote from a book called The Shack, written by William P. Young, I believe."
Naruto smiled a little. "That's beautiful," he said quietly.
"It is," Gaara acknowledged. "So I decided, after that day . . . that it didn't matter if anyone thought I was unlovable . . . because I wasn't measured by their opinions of me, but of the opinion I held about myself." Gaara looked at Naruto with measured green eyes. "When I look at you, Naruto, all I can see . . . is a bright, attractive man with a heart much too large for its own good. Whether or not you believe it yourself, you must believe me . . . you are lovable. I do not believe that you ever could not be."
Naruto was trembling, and he felt hot tears fall down his cheeks. He'd heard that from many people before . . . from Iruka and Kakashi, and from Neji and Shikamaru, the only other two people to know so much about his past. He'd never believed them. But Gaara knew. He'd . . . felt the same, had gone through the same uncertainty about his worth to the world and had come out stronger and better. And he was telling Naruto that he could be loved.
Naruto lunged forward and clutched Gaara in a tight embrace. The red-head stiffened in surprise, but almost immediately relaxed. His hands came to rest around Naruto's waist as easily as if he'd been hugging him for years. Naruto pushed his nose into the nape of Gaara's neck and inhaled soap, musk and the clean, sharp scent of pine needles.
"Thank you," he murmured. Gaara's hands tightened around his waist.
"Do not thank me," he murmured into Naruto's hair. "I am only telling you what was already there."
Naruto pulled away a little and stared into Gaara's eyes. Without letting himself think about it he darted forward and placed a soft, chase kiss to Gaara's lips. Green eyes widened. "Thank you anyways," Naruto murmured and then resumed his snuggling.
Gaara remained tense for several moments before he relaxed. "What are you doing?" he asked quietly.
"You understand," Naruto mumbled into Gaara's neck. "You care." He paused then added, almost shyly, "I like you."
Gaara shivered a bit. "Uzu-Naruto," he said sharply. "You need to think about this. Jumping into . . . something with me will just make everything worse-" Naruto tensed.
"Do you plan on leaving me?" he asked, drawing away. Gaara's arms tightened around him and pulled him back.
"No," he said, nearly growling. There was a pause and then Gaara sighed. "No, I don't, even though I have no idea why." Naruto smiled.
"We can try, can't we?" he asked. "I'm just not . . . . I really don't think I can work past this on my own," he admitted. "And you're . . . the only one that understands. I want your help, Gaara . . . I want you."
Gaara pulled back and tilted Naruto's chin up so that blue eyes met green. "I am not just a replacement for Uchiha?" he asked calmly, although his eyes flashed a little dangerously. Naruto nearly broke his neck, he shook it so vigorously.
"No!" he nearly shouted. "No, of course not," he said more calmly as Gaara's eyes softened. "Sasuke . . . well, he's an asshole. I don't want him anymore . . . and I'm not even sure if I really wanted him to begin with." He smiled a little. "No, I definitely want you on your own merits, Gaara."
"You realize that there is a distinct possibility that this will not work," Gaara asked calmly. "We have only known each other for a short time, and soon we will have to part." Naruto tensed. Gaara eyed him thoughtfully. "Although I am not currently attending a college and I could very easily come with you after this vacation is over," he added. Naruto brightened immediately.
"You would, really?" he asked, delighted. Gaara watched him for a moment before nodding.
"It would work out rather well," he said. "There are a few jobs in the city I have been considering."
Naruto eyed him. "How do you know where I live?" he asked curiously. Gaara froze and Naruto watched in astonishment as a light blush covered his cheekbones.
"I asked Temari to get . . . details about you from the pink-haired girl," he muttered. Naruto grinned.
"You investigated me?" he crowed. "That's adorable!" Gaara's deepening blush was even more so. Naruto couldn't stop smiling.
"I was just curious," he said, almost defensively.
"When was all of this?" Naruto inquired curiously, still smiling.
"After the day in the library," Gaara muttered. Naruto's smile softened.
"I never really thanked you for that, by the way," he said. "I really appreciated what you did for me . . . I don't think I could've handled waking up on the library floor alone."
Gaara shrugged uncomfortably. "I could not just leave you there," he said. "Not after . . . ."
They both remembered Naruto's breakdown and the blond shrugged. "Thanks anyways," he said starkly. "Whatever you say about it, you didn't have to do it. Sasuke wouldn't have done it," he added in angrily. Gaara's arm tightened around him.
"Uchiha doesn't do a lot of things," he murmured. Naruto huffed silently in agreement. "Naruto," Gaara prodded gently, "you know that this might not work?"
"Yeah," Naruto said quietly. "I realize it." He was silent for a long moment. "But I think . . . that if it doesn't, I'll be alright." Gaara looked down to see Naruto's brow was furrowed thoughtfully. "I don't know for sure," he added, "but I feel like I'd be able to survive."
Gaara gathered him close. "That is good," he murmured and pressed his face into Naruto's bright blond hair.
December 24th, late evening
"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten,
And children listen to hear sleigh bells in the snow.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright!
And may all your Christmases be white."
Naruto smiled as he heard the carolers outside finish their song. He'd always particularly liked that Christmas song; it was simple and pretty and meaningful. He leaned forward in his seat, sighing with pleasure as the fire warmed his hands and knees. Neji's giant Christmas tree stood in one corner, decorated completely with countless glass balls and ornaments. Around him, his friends were gathered in a loose circle, talking freely.
Naruto glanced over at Gaara. They hadn't announced their relationship yet . . . . And some part of Naruto wasn't sure he wanted to. He just wanted to keep this new, fragile bond between them hidden for now until it blossomed completely and could withstand anything. He wondered if Gaara felt the same.
Sasuke and Temari sat across from them, and every once in a while Sasuke and Naruto's eyes would catch and the Uchiha would glare silently. Naruto just tried to keep his face impassive; he didn't want to ruin this Christmas for anyone. And so far, it had been a good holiday, filled with friends and good food and talk. For Naruto, it wasn't tinged with that haze that comes with new love, but he found that he liked it better when he was "sober", so to speak.
He watched as Temari bent her dark gold head to speak to Sasuke in a low tone. He wondered if he'd ever tell her what he did when they'd broken up last Christmas; or if he'd even want him to. He looked up as Neji re-entered the room from tipping the carolers and smiled at his friend. Neji's face looked strangely grim; it had all evening, in fact. Naruto's brow furrowed and he looked over at Shikamaru, who was the closest to Neji besides himself. He was surprised that his lethargic friend looked just as serious.
"I'll be right back," Naruto murmured to Gaara and stood. He motioned with his eyes at Neji and Shikamaru and then slipped out of the door. He knew that they'd follow him.
Naruto slipped into a quiet backroom and waited. A few moments later, Neji entered, followed closely by Shikamaru.
"What's up?" Naruto asked immediately, his brow furrowing in concern. "You've looked like someone died all night!"
They exchanged looks. "Naruto," Neji started quietly. "Have you given any thought to what we discussed yesterday?"
Naruto froze. He'd forgotten about that conversation; it had slipped his mind after his talk with Gaara.
"Not really," he said, trying for casual. He felt like he'd managed to work past a lot of things that had been haunting him for the last year, but he wasn't sure if he really wanted Neji and Shikamaru to know about his struggles. They were his closest friends but . . . . He looked them over closely and sighed when he realized that they both looked really worried. Maybe they deserved the truth. "Well, I was having some problems," he amended quietly, "relationship-wise. But I've worked through it. I'm sorry for worrying you guys."
"Relationship problems?" Shikamaru asked with sharp eyes. "With whom?"
Naruto hesitated; he had a feeling they wouldn't like the answer and he really didn't want a confrontation on Christmas Eve, especially not one that would probably ruin Temari's holidays. "Does it really matter?" he asked evasively. Neji's eyes narrowed.
"Who was it, Naruto?" he asked sharply. Naruto winced; he knew that tone.
"Look, Neji, it wasn't that big of a deal," he said, lying uncomfortably. "Let's just drop it okay? I'm fine now."
"It was Uchiha, wasn't it?" Shikamaru asked and Naruto couldn't stop his surprised flinch. Shikamaru's grim smile said that he'd read the truth. "I thought so. What did he do to you?"
"Nothing-Look guys, can we not do this today?" he pleaded. "It would make things really bad for Temari if this came out and . . . she's really nice and I don't want to hurt her, okay?"
Neji and Shikamaru watched him for long moments. "Fine," Neji said, sounding a little petulant. "But we can have a talk with him later on, can't we?" His face brightened and Naruto sighed; he didn't think he'd manage to end this Christmas season without Neji talking to Sasuke in some way.
"As long as I watch," Naruto instructed and Neji's face fell. "Now, let's head back-"
"You're with someone now, aren't you?" Shikamaru interrupted. Naruto groaned; damn genius friend!
"Yes," he said grudgingly, knowing Shikamaru would draw it out of him anyways. Shikamaru smirked.
"It's Sabaku Gaara, isn't it," he said, making it a statement instead of a question. Naruto didn't even gape; it was long past time for him to act surprised when Shikamaru went Sherlock Holmes on him.
"Yeah," he admitted. "We kind of hit it off." Understatement, he thought.
"You're sure he won't hurt you?" Neji asked with concern. "Do I need to talk to him too?"
"I can talk to people myself, Neji!" Naruto groaned. "I'm not a fragile little princess." He scowled in a very menacing and manly way. Neji smirked.
"I'm trembling in the presence of such manliness," he said patronizingly. Naruto lifted his nose in the air.
"Thank you," he said haughtily and then started to laugh. Neji and Shikamaru exchanged pleased looks at the sound of the bright, free laughter that they hadn't heard much of during their vacation.
"Go on back, you assholes," Naruto said, still smiling. "I'll meet up with you in a minute."
"Naruto?" Neji said with confusion as his friend pushed them out of the door. Naruto's smile brightened.
"It's snowing," he said and pointed out of the window to where thick, white snow was falling from the sky.
Naruto lifted his face to the sky and opened his mouth, feeling snowflakes fall and melt on his tongue. His lips curved into a happy smile and he twirled around, laughing out loud as he felt snow twirl around him.
"Naruto," Gaara's voice was welcome and unsurprising. Naruto turned to him and swung his arms around his shoulders happily.
"It's snowing, Gaara!" he cried.
"I can see that," Gaara deadpanned as his hand came up to cup the back of Naruto's head tenderly. Naruto sighed and leaned into the warmth.
"I'm glad I met you," he murmured after a moment. "It's nice to feel happy again."
Gaara's grip tightened. "I will make sure you are always happy," he promised solemnly. Naruto leaned back and stared into his serious face.
"Thank you," he said sincerely. "I'll try and do the same." He leaned forward and placed a warm, dry kiss on Gaara's lips. "We'll do alright, Gaara," he murmured against pale skin, "I know it."
Gaara's lips turned into a tiny smile as he pulled Naruto forward for another kiss.
Continued
Fandom: Naruto
Pairing: Gaara/Naruto, past Sasuke/Naruto, side Sasuke/Temari, mentioned others.
Rating: T
Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, GaaNaru would be canon. Believe it.
Summary: Last Christmas, Uzumaki Naruto's heart got broken. This year, he's hoping for something better.
Part One Part Two
-
December 23rd
Snow was falling thickly outside, which meant everyone was stuck inside. In the morning, everyone had mostly stayed in the living room, talking and catching up. As the hours passed, people started to split up and move around the house.
Naruto was in the second floor ballroom, seated at the grand piano. He'd played ever since he was a child; it was the only type of art he'd ever been exposed to, growing up. He'd been an orphan ever since he was six months old and had mostly lived in orphanages until he was finally adopted at seventeen. The orphanages he'd stayed at had been ratty, old places with too many children and too little space, but one of them had had a piano. It had been a messy thing, falling apart, with many of the keys missing and out of tune but . . . it had been all Naruto had had. Every day, he'd sneak in there and plunk on a few keys, figuring out for himself what worked and what didn't.
It hadn't been until he was seven that he'd gotten a teacher of sorts. One of the men who worked at the orphanage had been a musician; he'd walked in on Naruto practicing one day and had offered to teach him the basics of it all. Naruto had found that he'd already known most of it, and his teacher had called him a prodigy. All Naruto had known was that he loved the music; that it drew away his troubles and left him at peace.
Naruto stared down at the black and white keys in front of him. He hadn't played for a while. The last time he'd placed his hands on a piano had been eight months ago. He'd gone up to his baby grand and opened the lid, and had proceeded to play the angriest and most mournful music he'd ever produced in his entire life. By the time the music had bled out of him . . . Naruto had just felt drained. That was the closest he'd come to crying for the entire year. After that, he refused to touch a piano. He didn't think he could stand having something that had brought peace to him produce only anger and hatred and loneliness.
But something in him had cleansed since his breakdown. He felt as if . . . the part of him that housed that bitter, cynical anger had been washed away, replaced by the acceptance Naruto had been seeking for a year and had never found. The only way to know for sure . . . was to play the piano.
Naruto place a finger on a key. The single note was pure and untainted and perfectly in tune. Naruto smiled; the piano likely hadn't been used for quite some time, but the Hyuugas would never let it become dusty and out of tune. He played another note and it rang as purely as the first.
Naruto ran through scales first, to warm up his fingers. He found that after a year of disuse they were creaky and clumsy; but after some warm-ups they were much better. The beginnings of a smile hovered around his lips; he could do this.
Naruto's hands hovered delicately over the keys as he contemplated what to play. He could play quite a few classical pieces, but he'd always preferred modern music; they just seemed to have more passion to them. He had a quite a few favorites that he'd memorized, but his mind wandered to a song he'd heard recently, on a CD he'd purchased only a few weeks earlier. Naruto smiled and started setting up the opening chords. He breathed in deeply, feeling unused muscles creak, and then opened his mouth:
"Life's been blinding me
From what I thought I'd see
Is there clarity in this insanity?
What's she want from me?
Roads in front of me
Taking me astray
Are you leaving me?
Or are you leading the way?
Can you hear what I'm saying?
I need to know
I need to know
I need to know
I need to know."
He'd liked all of the songs on this particular CD, but this song had touched him the deepest. The singer's aching, longing vocals had touched a particular chord with Naruto, who had felt that longing so deeply for the last year. He'd listened to the song on the plane ride to Neji's place and when he'd first heard it, all he could do was lean back in his seat, close his eyes and listen. Now, in front of a piano and playing it as achingly as he could, Naruto closed his eyes again and let the music flow out of him. The next lyrics touched particularly deeply with him.
"Feel like I'm trying to
Breathe under water
Trying to climb but I
Keep falling farther
Will you take my hand?
Feels so far away
I want to see your face
Are you even there?
Can you show me?
Can you make me believe?
I need to know
I need to know
I need to know
I need to know
I need to know."
When the last note filled the air Naruto breathed out slowly and then smiled widely. He could play again! His song had been sad and longing, but the anger and bitterness that had filled him for the last year had bled out of it. He didn't think it was gone, but he felt that he'd been able to accept it. Perhaps, in time, he would come to even not realize it was a part of him anymore.
Slow clapping filled the air. Naruto's eyes snapped open and he turned to see Sasuke standing in the doorway, dark eyes focused on Naruto's face. His heart dropped; he couldn't deal with him now, not just as he was working through everything Sasuke had put him through.
"Well done, dobe," Sasuke said, managing to make the compliment sound like an insult. "I didn't know you could play the piano." He sounded almost accusing.
"I've been playing since I was five," Naruto snapped out. "What do you want, Sasuke?"
"The same thing I wanted in the library," Sasuke said, striding forward. "I want you."
Naruto laughed. "Somehow, I don't think your fiancé will like that very much," he said. He found, to his surprise, that his desperation for Sasuke had diminished. He didn't feel as intense of a longing for the man anymore. Sasuke's eyes narrowed.
"It won't matter to her," he coaxed. "Temari understands."
"Oh she does, does she?" Naruto snapped, angry now. "Did she understand last year?" Sasuke tensed. "Because, as I recall, last year she dumped you."
"What do you know about anything dobe?" Sasuke snarled.
Naruto's grin was angry. "I've never forgotten what happened the day we were to leave, asshole," he nearly whispered. "Never."
Naruto was depressed. It was the 27th and soon everyone would be leaving to go home to their families for their New Year celebrations. He looked across the room at where Sasuke stood, talking lowly to Neji and felt his heart constrict; he didn't want to leave him.
They'd kept their whirlwind romance a secret from everyone else; Naruto would've been fine with telling the world, but Sasuke had said that it would be better to tell them when they'd been together longer and were surer of their relationship. Naruto loved Sasuke . . . . so he agreed to keep it that way. Now, though, all he wanted was to rush across the room and kiss his lover goodbye without caring about what his friends would think. The only thing that stopped him was the thought of Sasuke's reaction.
As soon as Sasuke was done talking to Neji, Naruto drifted over to his side. "We need to talk," he murmured and Sasuke nodded discretely. When no one was watching, they slipped out of the room and into one of the nearby empty bedrooms. Naruto sat on the bed while Sasuke leaned against the wall near the doorway.
"So . . . ." Naruto sighed. "You go to Neji's school, right?" Sasuke nodded, frowning. "I can come visit in a month or so, I think." He smiled a little at the thought. Sasuke eyed him thoughtfully.
"Why would you visit?" Sasuke raised an eyebrow. It was Naruto's turn to frown.
"Of course I'll come visit!" he protested. When Sasuke didn't seem to understand, Naruto's chest tightened. "I mean . . . . we're in a relationship, aren't we?"
Sasuke stared at him for a long moment. "No," he said flatly, "we're not. I don't know what gave you that idea."
Naruto shivered. "What're you talking about?" he said, feeling very hurt and extremely foolish. "We've had sex every day for the past two weeks, asshole! You said we were together!"
Sasuke smirked suddenly. "That doesn't mean anything, dobe; I said what I needed to say," he said. He watched Naruto flinch with blank eyes. "What, you thought I loved you? Please. You were a good lay, and that was it. There's nothing else to it."
"You . . . you said you loved me," Naruto stammered. He didn't understand this; they'd be in love! What was Sasuke playing at?
"That's what you wanted to hear," Sasuke said bluntly, "so I said it to keep sleeping with you. And it worked, didn't it? But I've gotten a little bored with you."
"Bored with me?" Naruto's confusion was starting to turn into anger.
"Yeah," Sasuke shrugged, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "I mean, the sex was great but you can only have so much of it with the same person before it gets a little . . . blasé." He smirked a little.
"You son of a bitch," Naruto near-whispered and then swung his hand at Sasuke's face. Sasuke caught it before it could connect with his cheek and drew Naruto in close in a cheap imitation of a lover's embrace.
"You're nothing more than a good fuck, dobe," he whispered into Naruto's ear. "And that's all you'll ever be good for."
"You're wrong!" Naruto shouted, shaking. "I can be loved. I . . . I know I can." He tried to shove down the years of being told how worthless and freakish and loveless he was and focus. "I can be loved," he repeated, almost as if to convince himself. Sasuke stared at him with pitiless black eyes.
"No," Sasuke told him, "you can't."
Naruto ripped himself away from him. "And what, you can?" he shouted, angry at himself and at Sasuke. "You're nothing but a . . . cold, emotionless bastard! Who says you can be loved and I can't?"
"You loved me, didn't you?" Sasuke smirked coldly and Naruto flinched. "Of course I don't love you back . . . But I do love Temari. She'll be my wife someday, once she comes to her senses and decides to end this break we've been on." Sasuke's face twisted into an ugly snarl. Naruto felt a sharp spike of pain in his heart at knowing that Sasuke loved someone else.
"What, so I was just a convenient hole while your girlfriend denies you?" he snarled, feeling more vulnerable than he ever had in his life.
Sasuke looked at him, and his twisted expression fell away to leave nothing but blank, dark eyes behind. "Yeah," he drawled, "Pretty much." He didn't sound regretful.
Naruto stared at him. "I hope you rot in hell," he whispered and then ran from the room to find a convenient place to cry and lick his wounds in peace.
"I wonder why she got back together with you," Naruto drawled, surveying Sasuke as if he was scum on the bottom of his shoe. "You're nothing but a cold, emotionless bastard." He wondered if Sasuke would remember that Naruto had spat those words at him a year ago.
"Shut up," Sasuke snarled and then grabbed Naruto by the nape of his neck and pulled him close. Naruto felt his breath hitch despite himself at having Sasuke so close to him. The Uchiha must have felt it, because he smirked suddenly. "You still want me, don't you?" he murmured. "You're so pathetic, Naruto. You always were." He drew Naruto in closer.
Naruto broke away before Sasuke's lips could touch his. "No," he said strongly and scrambled away from the Uchiha. "Just . . . stay away from me, Uchiha."
Sasuke looked angry again. "Why should I?" he asked.
"Because . . . I don't want you," Naruto said firmly, and for the first time he felt as if he actually meant it.
"Of course you do, Naruto-" Sasuke started, looking even angrier.
"I do not think he does," a voice interrupted from the doorway and they both turned to see Gaara standing there, looking as blank as ever. "Perhaps you should leave him alone."
If Uchihas ever let emotions beyond anger and smugness reach their faces, then Sasuke would've looked embarrassed right then. As it was, his features turned cold and impassive instead. "I don't see why I should listen to you," he said frigidly. "This is between me and the dobe."
Naruto just looked at him. Uchiha Sasuke, he was coming to realize, was a spoiled, rich kid. He got what he wanted, when he wanted for so long that anytime anything was denied to him he tried all the harder to get it because of that. That was the only reason he was even still pursuing Naruto; if he had slept with him in the library then they wouldn't even be having this conversation right now. How, Naruto wondered, did I never realize this last year? He's . . . not worth it. He's never been worth it. But Naruto supposed love was stupid as well as blind.
"You should listen to him because he's right," Naruto said and moved to walk past Sasuke. Sasuke grabbed his wrist as he went by.
"This isn't over dobe," he said fiercely, but Naruto just picked his fingers away from his wrist.
"Yes," he said calmly, "I think it is."
Gaara and Naruto went to Naruto's room in silent agreement.
Naruto spread himself over his bed and Gaara perched in the only chair in the room. Naruto could feel his eyes boring into the back of his head, but didn't turn over. Instead, he stared at the wall in front of him and began to talk.
"Sasuke and I had a relationship last Christmas," he started. "It ended . . . well, it ended really badly." He was silent for a long moment. "I grew up in orphanages," he finally added. "They were all pretty bad places; they had too many kids and too little space and . . . well, a lot of the workers didn't have much patience for kids. The place I was at longest was called Konoha . . . . that was the worst place. There were these two caretakers there . . . Orochimaru and Kabuto were their names. They hated me. I never even knew why until . . . . Well, until I was older. But they tormented me whenever they could." Naruto smiled bitterly.
"I didn't have any friends until high school; Neji was the first person who decided to stick by me. Part of that is due to Orochimaru and Kabuto . . . they made sure all the kids in the orphanage stayed away from me. They taunted me every day, always calling me worthless and unloved and a freak. They said my mom was a whore and my father was a drunkard who didn't know his ass from his head and that they had abandoned me because they didn't think I was worth raising." Naruto snorted. "I never knew anything about my parents, no matter how often I tried to find any information, so I believed them. And because what they said about my parents was true . . . I figured they had to be right about me too. I had to be worthless and unlovable and a freak." Gaara made a dark, growling sound, but Naruto didn't look up.
"High school helped only a little. Having Neji as a friend . . . it was so wonderful, Gaara. But still, I always worried that Neji would leave me behind one day; would decide that I wasn't worth the effort and ditch me. I couldn't shake the little voice in the back of my head that whispered how little I deserved affection and how worthless I was." Naruto shook his head sadly. "Iruka - he's the one that adopted me - tried to help. He brought me to some therapists and psychologists but . . . that feeling just persisted. Years of being told that, of having it ingrained into my subconscious . . . well, it made its mark." Naruto laughed bitterly. "Orochimaru and Kabuto would be happy to know how much they've affected me."
He was silent for long moments. "I'm telling you all of this so that you'll understand," he said, more calmly. "It wasn't just Sasuke that affected me so much . . . . He was the catalyst, I guess, although I'm only realizing that now." Naruto took a deep breath. "Sasuke repeated everything I've ever been told my entire life when he broke up with me. I guess it was . . . the final straw for me. Something just . . . just broke."
"I went to school and I decided that I would show Sasuke. I got angry and desperate and decided that I was worthy to be loved. I'd do anything I had to so I could find it. So I changed my look; I remembered Neji always telling me how much better I'd look without my old style. I attracted a lot more notice that way . . . . and I began to go clubbing a lot more. Eventually . . . well, it led to a lot of casual sex and a lot of broken relationships." Naruto shivered. "I always expected too much and they always left. They didn't want to be . . . tied down by my, I guess."
"It hurt Gaara . . . so much. It was like everything Sasuke and Orochimaru and Kabuto and everyone had told me was coming true; I was unlovable. No one bothered to stay with me; they all left. And day by day . . . . I think I just lost more of myself. I looked in the mirror and I couldn't recognize myself in it anymore." He breathed out slowly. "Eventually, Sasuke came to be a sort of focal point for me, I think . . . He was the last person I'd felt truly happy with. I think . . . I wanted to be with him again because of that. But now, it's as if those feelings . . . have been drained out of me."
The room was silent for long moments. Naruto felt drained and tired, as if exposing himself so thoroughly had been as physical as it had been mental. He wondered what Gaara thought of him now. He liked the red-head; he felt so comfortable in his presence. That was why he'd decided to let so much of himself out to Gaara . . . he felt that the red-head would understand in a way that no one really ever had, not even Neji or Iruka.
"Uzumaki," Gaara murmured and Naruto felt the bed dip as Gaara set next to him on it. "My mother died when I was a child; my father blamed me for it. I was shunned in my family until I was fourteen and not allowed to leave the house for any reasons outside absolute necessity. I did not attend school . . . I never had any friends. My siblings were fearful of me because they believed my father when he told them that I was mentally unstable. The only way I was able to escape was because Temari discovered her conscience and set me free. I have spent the last years of my life learning what others have known since they were toddlers." Gaara paused. "We are very similar, you and I," he murmured. "But I do not believe either of us is unlovable."
Naruto felt tears drip out of the corner of his eyelids as Gaara placed a warm hand on the middle of his back. "How do you know you aren't wrong?" he asked, his voice cracking in the middle of the sentence.
Gaara contemplated the question before he gently turned Naruto over onto his back. Naruto tried to shield his face and prevent Gaara from seeing his tears, but Gaara pushed his hands away and looked him seriously in the eye.
"For a long time, I considered myself as loveless as you seem to believe you are," he said quietly. "A few years ago I came to talk with a woman called Tsunade. She was a rude woman, prone to gambling and drinking but . . . I remember something she said to me . . . 'You . . . were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around . . . Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wing and removing its ability to fly . . . A bird is not defined by being grounded but by his ability to fly.'" He smiled faintly. "It was a quote from a book called The Shack, written by William P. Young, I believe."
Naruto smiled a little. "That's beautiful," he said quietly.
"It is," Gaara acknowledged. "So I decided, after that day . . . that it didn't matter if anyone thought I was unlovable . . . because I wasn't measured by their opinions of me, but of the opinion I held about myself." Gaara looked at Naruto with measured green eyes. "When I look at you, Naruto, all I can see . . . is a bright, attractive man with a heart much too large for its own good. Whether or not you believe it yourself, you must believe me . . . you are lovable. I do not believe that you ever could not be."
Naruto was trembling, and he felt hot tears fall down his cheeks. He'd heard that from many people before . . . from Iruka and Kakashi, and from Neji and Shikamaru, the only other two people to know so much about his past. He'd never believed them. But Gaara knew. He'd . . . felt the same, had gone through the same uncertainty about his worth to the world and had come out stronger and better. And he was telling Naruto that he could be loved.
Naruto lunged forward and clutched Gaara in a tight embrace. The red-head stiffened in surprise, but almost immediately relaxed. His hands came to rest around Naruto's waist as easily as if he'd been hugging him for years. Naruto pushed his nose into the nape of Gaara's neck and inhaled soap, musk and the clean, sharp scent of pine needles.
"Thank you," he murmured. Gaara's hands tightened around his waist.
"Do not thank me," he murmured into Naruto's hair. "I am only telling you what was already there."
Naruto pulled away a little and stared into Gaara's eyes. Without letting himself think about it he darted forward and placed a soft, chase kiss to Gaara's lips. Green eyes widened. "Thank you anyways," Naruto murmured and then resumed his snuggling.
Gaara remained tense for several moments before he relaxed. "What are you doing?" he asked quietly.
"You understand," Naruto mumbled into Gaara's neck. "You care." He paused then added, almost shyly, "I like you."
Gaara shivered a bit. "Uzu-Naruto," he said sharply. "You need to think about this. Jumping into . . . something with me will just make everything worse-" Naruto tensed.
"Do you plan on leaving me?" he asked, drawing away. Gaara's arms tightened around him and pulled him back.
"No," he said, nearly growling. There was a pause and then Gaara sighed. "No, I don't, even though I have no idea why." Naruto smiled.
"We can try, can't we?" he asked. "I'm just not . . . . I really don't think I can work past this on my own," he admitted. "And you're . . . the only one that understands. I want your help, Gaara . . . I want you."
Gaara pulled back and tilted Naruto's chin up so that blue eyes met green. "I am not just a replacement for Uchiha?" he asked calmly, although his eyes flashed a little dangerously. Naruto nearly broke his neck, he shook it so vigorously.
"No!" he nearly shouted. "No, of course not," he said more calmly as Gaara's eyes softened. "Sasuke . . . well, he's an asshole. I don't want him anymore . . . and I'm not even sure if I really wanted him to begin with." He smiled a little. "No, I definitely want you on your own merits, Gaara."
"You realize that there is a distinct possibility that this will not work," Gaara asked calmly. "We have only known each other for a short time, and soon we will have to part." Naruto tensed. Gaara eyed him thoughtfully. "Although I am not currently attending a college and I could very easily come with you after this vacation is over," he added. Naruto brightened immediately.
"You would, really?" he asked, delighted. Gaara watched him for a moment before nodding.
"It would work out rather well," he said. "There are a few jobs in the city I have been considering."
Naruto eyed him. "How do you know where I live?" he asked curiously. Gaara froze and Naruto watched in astonishment as a light blush covered his cheekbones.
"I asked Temari to get . . . details about you from the pink-haired girl," he muttered. Naruto grinned.
"You investigated me?" he crowed. "That's adorable!" Gaara's deepening blush was even more so. Naruto couldn't stop smiling.
"I was just curious," he said, almost defensively.
"When was all of this?" Naruto inquired curiously, still smiling.
"After the day in the library," Gaara muttered. Naruto's smile softened.
"I never really thanked you for that, by the way," he said. "I really appreciated what you did for me . . . I don't think I could've handled waking up on the library floor alone."
Gaara shrugged uncomfortably. "I could not just leave you there," he said. "Not after . . . ."
They both remembered Naruto's breakdown and the blond shrugged. "Thanks anyways," he said starkly. "Whatever you say about it, you didn't have to do it. Sasuke wouldn't have done it," he added in angrily. Gaara's arm tightened around him.
"Uchiha doesn't do a lot of things," he murmured. Naruto huffed silently in agreement. "Naruto," Gaara prodded gently, "you know that this might not work?"
"Yeah," Naruto said quietly. "I realize it." He was silent for a long moment. "But I think . . . that if it doesn't, I'll be alright." Gaara looked down to see Naruto's brow was furrowed thoughtfully. "I don't know for sure," he added, "but I feel like I'd be able to survive."
Gaara gathered him close. "That is good," he murmured and pressed his face into Naruto's bright blond hair.
December 24th, late evening
"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten,
And children listen to hear sleigh bells in the snow.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright!
And may all your Christmases be white."
Naruto smiled as he heard the carolers outside finish their song. He'd always particularly liked that Christmas song; it was simple and pretty and meaningful. He leaned forward in his seat, sighing with pleasure as the fire warmed his hands and knees. Neji's giant Christmas tree stood in one corner, decorated completely with countless glass balls and ornaments. Around him, his friends were gathered in a loose circle, talking freely.
Naruto glanced over at Gaara. They hadn't announced their relationship yet . . . . And some part of Naruto wasn't sure he wanted to. He just wanted to keep this new, fragile bond between them hidden for now until it blossomed completely and could withstand anything. He wondered if Gaara felt the same.
Sasuke and Temari sat across from them, and every once in a while Sasuke and Naruto's eyes would catch and the Uchiha would glare silently. Naruto just tried to keep his face impassive; he didn't want to ruin this Christmas for anyone. And so far, it had been a good holiday, filled with friends and good food and talk. For Naruto, it wasn't tinged with that haze that comes with new love, but he found that he liked it better when he was "sober", so to speak.
He watched as Temari bent her dark gold head to speak to Sasuke in a low tone. He wondered if he'd ever tell her what he did when they'd broken up last Christmas; or if he'd even want him to. He looked up as Neji re-entered the room from tipping the carolers and smiled at his friend. Neji's face looked strangely grim; it had all evening, in fact. Naruto's brow furrowed and he looked over at Shikamaru, who was the closest to Neji besides himself. He was surprised that his lethargic friend looked just as serious.
"I'll be right back," Naruto murmured to Gaara and stood. He motioned with his eyes at Neji and Shikamaru and then slipped out of the door. He knew that they'd follow him.
Naruto slipped into a quiet backroom and waited. A few moments later, Neji entered, followed closely by Shikamaru.
"What's up?" Naruto asked immediately, his brow furrowing in concern. "You've looked like someone died all night!"
They exchanged looks. "Naruto," Neji started quietly. "Have you given any thought to what we discussed yesterday?"
Naruto froze. He'd forgotten about that conversation; it had slipped his mind after his talk with Gaara.
"Not really," he said, trying for casual. He felt like he'd managed to work past a lot of things that had been haunting him for the last year, but he wasn't sure if he really wanted Neji and Shikamaru to know about his struggles. They were his closest friends but . . . . He looked them over closely and sighed when he realized that they both looked really worried. Maybe they deserved the truth. "Well, I was having some problems," he amended quietly, "relationship-wise. But I've worked through it. I'm sorry for worrying you guys."
"Relationship problems?" Shikamaru asked with sharp eyes. "With whom?"
Naruto hesitated; he had a feeling they wouldn't like the answer and he really didn't want a confrontation on Christmas Eve, especially not one that would probably ruin Temari's holidays. "Does it really matter?" he asked evasively. Neji's eyes narrowed.
"Who was it, Naruto?" he asked sharply. Naruto winced; he knew that tone.
"Look, Neji, it wasn't that big of a deal," he said, lying uncomfortably. "Let's just drop it okay? I'm fine now."
"It was Uchiha, wasn't it?" Shikamaru asked and Naruto couldn't stop his surprised flinch. Shikamaru's grim smile said that he'd read the truth. "I thought so. What did he do to you?"
"Nothing-Look guys, can we not do this today?" he pleaded. "It would make things really bad for Temari if this came out and . . . she's really nice and I don't want to hurt her, okay?"
Neji and Shikamaru watched him for long moments. "Fine," Neji said, sounding a little petulant. "But we can have a talk with him later on, can't we?" His face brightened and Naruto sighed; he didn't think he'd manage to end this Christmas season without Neji talking to Sasuke in some way.
"As long as I watch," Naruto instructed and Neji's face fell. "Now, let's head back-"
"You're with someone now, aren't you?" Shikamaru interrupted. Naruto groaned; damn genius friend!
"Yes," he said grudgingly, knowing Shikamaru would draw it out of him anyways. Shikamaru smirked.
"It's Sabaku Gaara, isn't it," he said, making it a statement instead of a question. Naruto didn't even gape; it was long past time for him to act surprised when Shikamaru went Sherlock Holmes on him.
"Yeah," he admitted. "We kind of hit it off." Understatement, he thought.
"You're sure he won't hurt you?" Neji asked with concern. "Do I need to talk to him too?"
"I can talk to people myself, Neji!" Naruto groaned. "I'm not a fragile little princess." He scowled in a very menacing and manly way. Neji smirked.
"I'm trembling in the presence of such manliness," he said patronizingly. Naruto lifted his nose in the air.
"Thank you," he said haughtily and then started to laugh. Neji and Shikamaru exchanged pleased looks at the sound of the bright, free laughter that they hadn't heard much of during their vacation.
"Go on back, you assholes," Naruto said, still smiling. "I'll meet up with you in a minute."
"Naruto?" Neji said with confusion as his friend pushed them out of the door. Naruto's smile brightened.
"It's snowing," he said and pointed out of the window to where thick, white snow was falling from the sky.
Naruto lifted his face to the sky and opened his mouth, feeling snowflakes fall and melt on his tongue. His lips curved into a happy smile and he twirled around, laughing out loud as he felt snow twirl around him.
"Naruto," Gaara's voice was welcome and unsurprising. Naruto turned to him and swung his arms around his shoulders happily.
"It's snowing, Gaara!" he cried.
"I can see that," Gaara deadpanned as his hand came up to cup the back of Naruto's head tenderly. Naruto sighed and leaned into the warmth.
"I'm glad I met you," he murmured after a moment. "It's nice to feel happy again."
Gaara's grip tightened. "I will make sure you are always happy," he promised solemnly. Naruto leaned back and stared into his serious face.
"Thank you," he said sincerely. "I'll try and do the same." He leaned forward and placed a warm, dry kiss on Gaara's lips. "We'll do alright, Gaara," he murmured against pale skin, "I know it."
Gaara's lips turned into a tiny smile as he pulled Naruto forward for another kiss.
Continued