(no subject)
I have said before that God works in "mysterious" ways, and each time I was borrowing from the cliche. Today, the full impact of God's love and forgiveness, his righteousness, and his desire for good hit me. This past week or so I've been in complete mental anguish over the fear of death. I had no idea why. Every night I was haunted by visions, by fear, and by my own understanding of what death is. What I neglected was the role that God played in my life, but I prayed every night that he would help me, that Jesus would find me in my darkest hour, in the "midnight of my soul". Today he did, and he humbled me beyond my belief. I asked for humility, I know that pride is my greatest struggle, but here God has truly shown me the error of my way. Many events occurred through the week, images and texts inextricably linked to this fear, as well as spontaneous recollections of a similar event that happened when I was much younger. Each of these was the same thing over and over again, none of them sought, all of them, however, found and profoundly disasterous to me. In spite of my lack of faith, and my fall into the temptation of fear, Jesus continues to bring my salvation and freedom from this earth. I was reminded of Jesus temptations in the desert and at Gethsemane, and how each of those pertains to my own life. The temptation to the obey demands of the flesh over the authority of God, illustrated by Jesus' temptation to turn the stone to bread. He had authority to do so, but out of servitude and obedience to God's will (rather than the tempter's perverse idea) Jesus refrained, and at the end of the time, God fed him. The temptation to secure power or authority for ourselves, or in my case a sense of security of life, illustrated by the temptation to take worldly authority by power (through the tempter, prince of the earth) rather than to obediently receive authority in death. The temptation to seek my own authority and power, to create my own understanding and attempt to control my own fate, illustrated by Jesus' temptation to reveal his divinity through a miraculous act and calling on God's authority, losing his divinity, rather than obedience in servitude. In each of these, my mind has toiled and my sin has been great, but today God's forgiveness, his love was given to me, and my hope is restored. God bless any of you reading this who are facing your own "dark night of the soul", may he show you his wisdom, forgiveness, and love as he has shown me. The Lord is merciful and great.