when hatred actually becomes possible...
...I just want to curl up in a small ball and wait for a mythical creature of gigantic proportions to rescue me. I'll go for a knight in shining armor, if any are available, but my predictions on that point are dire. Usually, there is a scarcity of knights anyway...and even if one is available, he cannot be bothered to shine his armor. I'll settle for a knight in dirty armor at this point. Positively muddy armor.
Just in case anyone was wondering, I'll take a metaphorical knight in shining/dirty armor too. Anything to distract me from the chaos, the raving lunacy that has possessed me today. It's a combination of many things that I've gone into too often here to repeat. Though, I should say that the detestation I feel for my job has now spread and infected any and all feelings toward my boss as well. It's not right to hate people, but I hate her for making me feel like this. Today, I despise her person, simply because, today, I blame her for the 40 hours of complete misery I suffer every week. I should also say that reading a philosophical book that makes you want to drop everything and live in the blissful, unoccupied wilderness away from people, technology and civilization in general was probably not the best idea I had this week. Third, and lastly, I should say that being exhausted, mentally, physically, psychologically...soulfully, does not help any of the aforementioned "should says."
I've been trying. I really have. I've been applying for jobs. I slacked off just a little in the last two weeks because I had a great interview lined up and I was romantically thinking that they would love me so much that they would hire me on the spot. They liked me, I'm sure. They did *not* hire me on the spot, which, in their own defense, was not realistic of me to expect in the first place. I haven't heard from them in 9 days. I called yesterday to follow-up on my interview. I had to leave a message. I feel I should wait at least two days before trying a different means of follow-up. I don't want to pester, I just want this job. Strike that, I need *a* job, and this one, I think, would bring me a semblance of satisfaction. More than a semblance. I care about theatre. I care about what happens in a theatre and to a theatre and to the people in a theatre. I would be good at this job, I know it, but I have to get it first. I have to get out of here, I'm feeling sick and trapped and disgusted. I'm disgusted with myself for letting it go this far. I'm disgusted by the person I am here. I'm just disgusted.
Whereas when I'm working, I am just generally a horrible person, when I'm at home, I'm just tired. I need to go do laundry today. I need to...seriously, we (my clothes and myself) have acknowledged the desperate state of things regarding cleanliness. Laundry isn't such a big deal, but I dread it today. Primarily because the two hours I'll spend doing said laundry will be two hours I could have been lying down at home. I want to be static today, and doonas, warmth and a few episodes of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman seem to be key elements that must come together in order to accomplish that. Notice how washers, dryers and clothes (with the exception of pajamas...I don't want to give anyone bad images here =)) are conspicuously absent from the previous sentence.
And then, there's the person I am when I'm in rehearsal. This person is energetic and goofy. This person is hard-working and creative. This person is visual and conversational and happy. This person laughs. This person is focused and intent and organized. This person is a little stressed. This person is unselfish and empathetic. This person is an artist. I like who I am during rehearsal. I wasn't a big fan of the person I became in the production meeting of last night, but that's alright, because a little firmness and authoritativeness was required in that meeting. The show is going so well, I doubt that I could ask for something better right now. Sure, there are bumps and obstacles, but the reality is, this company assembled itself, feet firmly planted on the floor behind me, and I'm grateful and relieved. I'm getting to know the young people in my cast better, which is great. And the opportunity is coming to get to know the older people better too. I'm starting to forget that I have anything to live up to with this show, which is great, because I started off putting way too much pressure on myself. I'm relaxing, I'm relying on other people, I'm going with the flow. If I could pick which person I could be all the time, I would easily pick the person I am in rehearsal.
A friend told me last night that I need to find some time for peace. I agree wholeheartedly. I crave it.
I miss my friends, those people that know me well enough to let me talk when I need to talk, to distract me with fun and meep when I need it, to advise me when I need advice. I need a week off to go see them, because I think I might go a little crazy if I don't. I don't know if I can ever wait this long between visits ever again. We have our own lives now and our own stuff going on, but next time, I'm coming before the show starts.
Just in case anyone was wondering, I'll take a metaphorical knight in shining/dirty armor too. Anything to distract me from the chaos, the raving lunacy that has possessed me today. It's a combination of many things that I've gone into too often here to repeat. Though, I should say that the detestation I feel for my job has now spread and infected any and all feelings toward my boss as well. It's not right to hate people, but I hate her for making me feel like this. Today, I despise her person, simply because, today, I blame her for the 40 hours of complete misery I suffer every week. I should also say that reading a philosophical book that makes you want to drop everything and live in the blissful, unoccupied wilderness away from people, technology and civilization in general was probably not the best idea I had this week. Third, and lastly, I should say that being exhausted, mentally, physically, psychologically...soulfully, does not help any of the aforementioned "should says."
I've been trying. I really have. I've been applying for jobs. I slacked off just a little in the last two weeks because I had a great interview lined up and I was romantically thinking that they would love me so much that they would hire me on the spot. They liked me, I'm sure. They did *not* hire me on the spot, which, in their own defense, was not realistic of me to expect in the first place. I haven't heard from them in 9 days. I called yesterday to follow-up on my interview. I had to leave a message. I feel I should wait at least two days before trying a different means of follow-up. I don't want to pester, I just want this job. Strike that, I need *a* job, and this one, I think, would bring me a semblance of satisfaction. More than a semblance. I care about theatre. I care about what happens in a theatre and to a theatre and to the people in a theatre. I would be good at this job, I know it, but I have to get it first. I have to get out of here, I'm feeling sick and trapped and disgusted. I'm disgusted with myself for letting it go this far. I'm disgusted by the person I am here. I'm just disgusted.
Whereas when I'm working, I am just generally a horrible person, when I'm at home, I'm just tired. I need to go do laundry today. I need to...seriously, we (my clothes and myself) have acknowledged the desperate state of things regarding cleanliness. Laundry isn't such a big deal, but I dread it today. Primarily because the two hours I'll spend doing said laundry will be two hours I could have been lying down at home. I want to be static today, and doonas, warmth and a few episodes of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman seem to be key elements that must come together in order to accomplish that. Notice how washers, dryers and clothes (with the exception of pajamas...I don't want to give anyone bad images here =)) are conspicuously absent from the previous sentence.
And then, there's the person I am when I'm in rehearsal. This person is energetic and goofy. This person is hard-working and creative. This person is visual and conversational and happy. This person laughs. This person is focused and intent and organized. This person is a little stressed. This person is unselfish and empathetic. This person is an artist. I like who I am during rehearsal. I wasn't a big fan of the person I became in the production meeting of last night, but that's alright, because a little firmness and authoritativeness was required in that meeting. The show is going so well, I doubt that I could ask for something better right now. Sure, there are bumps and obstacles, but the reality is, this company assembled itself, feet firmly planted on the floor behind me, and I'm grateful and relieved. I'm getting to know the young people in my cast better, which is great. And the opportunity is coming to get to know the older people better too. I'm starting to forget that I have anything to live up to with this show, which is great, because I started off putting way too much pressure on myself. I'm relaxing, I'm relying on other people, I'm going with the flow. If I could pick which person I could be all the time, I would easily pick the person I am in rehearsal.
A friend told me last night that I need to find some time for peace. I agree wholeheartedly. I crave it.
I miss my friends, those people that know me well enough to let me talk when I need to talk, to distract me with fun and meep when I need it, to advise me when I need advice. I need a week off to go see them, because I think I might go a little crazy if I don't. I don't know if I can ever wait this long between visits ever again. We have our own lives now and our own stuff going on, but next time, I'm coming before the show starts.