Fourth Wall Breach: Thunderthong Tonight
(OOC: Fourth Wall Breaches are little skits involving the characters behind the scenes of the games - as in, they're the same characters, but fully aware they're in a game. They include all the games. Thunderthong Tonight is Ivan's news program. They want to make their points known, dammit!)
The scene opens on a makeshift news studio. Ivan Raidenovitch Raikov is sitting perched on top of the desk, rather than behind it, a sheaf of papers in his hand.
Good evening, and welcome to Thunderthong Tonight.
In news today, I'm still the most gorgeous soldier around.
He pauses to shuffle through the papers, looking frustrated. His foot taps lightly against the desk.
Where is that... Aha! There it is! Ahem. The following announcement was issued by the Community of Comedy Characters: Please, please, please, if you must kill us, for the love of all that is holy, stop using fire, poisoned animals or bullets to the crotch. We would also like to ask that you not kill us at all, but we know that you apparently enjoy it too much to stop.
He looks annoyed and shuffles through the papers more.
In other news, the Fury has once again caused chaos by setting fire to a minor character. When asked, he claimed that the character in question had "known the risks" when he "chose to be rude enough to exist in his presence when he was pissed off". He issued the following statement: Get that microphone out of my face before I set it on fire. And get lost before I set you on fire. In related news, Johnny Sasaki is currently going through therapy for the twenty-eighth time this year. Or was that another Sasaki? Hm... I'd better look into this. Too many Sasakis around to tell...
He clears his throat, isolating another sheet of paper.
Dead Cell have issued an ultimatum to the inhabitants of the rogue FOXHOUND unit. They're seeking the demotion of Revolver Ocelot from a major villain/possible hero because he is absolutely insane. After losing his arm to Snake several thousand times in replays of the game, he has finally gone completely bananas and it is only the fact that he cannot disobey the game script that is stopping him from collapsing in a sobbing heap and pretending his fingers are a spider that is about to eat Snake's... uh, am I allowed to say this?
A voice whispers something from offstage that can't be heard.
...right. Well, Major Ocelot tells me I am in no uncertain terms forbidden to say that as he is going to shoot me where it hurts if I do. Since I value my balls, lets move on!
A cute little jingle starts to play. A red-gloved hand - Major Ocelot's - reaches past the camera to smack Raikov on the head with a handful of envelopes. Raikov laughs and snatches them off him, picking one at random.
Ah, time for our Q&A session.
He opens the envelope and looks at the letter inside. After a second, he tosses it over his shoulder and opens another. This continues in turn until there are none left.
...moving on. The-
Someone hisses something at him.
-What?! Those letters are stupid! Hell, I could make up better questions! Who the hell writes these, a four yea- oh. OH. I have just been advised that if I want to keep living I should apologise thoroughly to the Cobra Unit, Dead Cell, FOXHOUND and... whoever the hell wrote the letter in lipstick asking if the Colonel is such a dick because he has a small one. I will answer that one - please go piss off the Fury. Though I can get you measurements if you really want, it might be easier if you submit your name to the studio- Ocelot, stop laughing! - and I can arrange a meeting between the two of you to, uh, discuss it.
He stares past the camera suddenly, looking interested.
In related news, I have sex to have. This has been Thunderthong Tonight, with your host- ah, fuck it. I'm going to get laid.
Ivan jumps down from the desk and heads off-camera.
The scene opens on a makeshift news studio. Ivan Raidenovitch Raikov is sitting perched on top of the desk, rather than behind it, a sheaf of papers in his hand.
Good evening, and welcome to Thunderthong Tonight.
In news today, I'm still the most gorgeous soldier around.
He pauses to shuffle through the papers, looking frustrated. His foot taps lightly against the desk.
Where is that... Aha! There it is! Ahem. The following announcement was issued by the Community of Comedy Characters: Please, please, please, if you must kill us, for the love of all that is holy, stop using fire, poisoned animals or bullets to the crotch. We would also like to ask that you not kill us at all, but we know that you apparently enjoy it too much to stop.
He looks annoyed and shuffles through the papers more.
In other news, the Fury has once again caused chaos by setting fire to a minor character. When asked, he claimed that the character in question had "known the risks" when he "chose to be rude enough to exist in his presence when he was pissed off". He issued the following statement: Get that microphone out of my face before I set it on fire. And get lost before I set you on fire. In related news, Johnny Sasaki is currently going through therapy for the twenty-eighth time this year. Or was that another Sasaki? Hm... I'd better look into this. Too many Sasakis around to tell...
He clears his throat, isolating another sheet of paper.
Dead Cell have issued an ultimatum to the inhabitants of the rogue FOXHOUND unit. They're seeking the demotion of Revolver Ocelot from a major villain/possible hero because he is absolutely insane. After losing his arm to Snake several thousand times in replays of the game, he has finally gone completely bananas and it is only the fact that he cannot disobey the game script that is stopping him from collapsing in a sobbing heap and pretending his fingers are a spider that is about to eat Snake's... uh, am I allowed to say this?
A voice whispers something from offstage that can't be heard.
...right. Well, Major Ocelot tells me I am in no uncertain terms forbidden to say that as he is going to shoot me where it hurts if I do. Since I value my balls, lets move on!
A cute little jingle starts to play. A red-gloved hand - Major Ocelot's - reaches past the camera to smack Raikov on the head with a handful of envelopes. Raikov laughs and snatches them off him, picking one at random.
Ah, time for our Q&A session.
He opens the envelope and looks at the letter inside. After a second, he tosses it over his shoulder and opens another. This continues in turn until there are none left.
...moving on. The-
Someone hisses something at him.
-What?! Those letters are stupid! Hell, I could make up better questions! Who the hell writes these, a four yea- oh. OH. I have just been advised that if I want to keep living I should apologise thoroughly to the Cobra Unit, Dead Cell, FOXHOUND and... whoever the hell wrote the letter in lipstick asking if the Colonel is such a dick because he has a small one. I will answer that one - please go piss off the Fury. Though I can get you measurements if you really want, it might be easier if you submit your name to the studio- Ocelot, stop laughing! - and I can arrange a meeting between the two of you to, uh, discuss it.
He stares past the camera suddenly, looking interested.
In related news, I have sex to have. This has been Thunderthong Tonight, with your host- ah, fuck it. I'm going to get laid.
Ivan jumps down from the desk and heads off-camera.