Original - Untitled
Just found this one kicking around in my files. I'm not sure what it's for, why I wrote it, but it's about a year and a half old. Huh.
We're back to where we started.
Fuck it.
They're just words. Words don't mean a damned thing. Love. Hate. Anger. Happiness. Just fucking words that don't make any sense whatsoever. No matter what you say, there's no right or wrong, there's no left or right, there's no black or white. Everything's muddled, doesn't make sense anymore. Don't know what I'm doing, don't know where I'm turning, don't even know what I'm thinking anymore.
How did things go so wrong? They were right, everything was right. Happy. Bright. Worth living for. But something happened, and even though you can't put a name to it...it still went wrong. Everything's changed. Nothing to change it back to the way it was before. And why should we? A waste of fucking time, that's what it was. I tell myself that all the time, but why can't I believe it? Because it's not right, it's not truthful.
I rememeber. I remember so many fucking things, and they won't leave my mind. I remember the first night, laying next to you, feeling your breath against my neck. Feeling your arm around me. The feeling that everything was how it was supposed to be. Meant to be. Fated. Whatever. The next night was the same. The night after that was the same. It was all the same. Smell of you, feel of you, presence of you. All around me. Still there.
Such a stupid mistake. How could you? There was no reason for it. You were smarter than that. You knew better. Hadn't you learned from the first time? Didn't I tell you? No, there was a lot that I never told you. Words that I never said. Words are useless. They would have done no good. If you would have known that I had loved you, would you have done the same thing? Would you have ignored what I said?
Standing there was hard. You were there, but gone. Just a shell of who you used to be. Fight back the tears. Blink them back. Professionalism, that's what I had to show. Take into hand what made you disappear. Pretend that it was just another day. But it wasn't just another day. How could I possibly put that into words? And I lied. I made it seem like you had nothing to do with it. No, never made another mistake like that first one. Couldn't let your reputation, your memory, be tarnished like that.
Went to your place and cried. Let the tears fall. Expected to have your arms around me, to have you hold me, to calm me while I was out of control. But you weren't there. Not anymore. Gone. Everything gone. You're gone. Disappeared. I'm left with nothing. Empty, hollow, whatever you want to call it. But you can't call it anything now. Where's the stoicism that I need. The sarcasm, the bluntness...the comfort. Not there now.
Maybe it's not back where we started. Because at least then, I could count on hearing your voice, seeing your face, the occasional brush of an arm or hand against mind. No more tingles. Don't feel anything. Cold. I'm so cold. A cold that can't be fixed with a cup of tea and a blanket. And it hurts, damn it.
Fuck it.
We're back to where we started.
Fuck it.
They're just words. Words don't mean a damned thing. Love. Hate. Anger. Happiness. Just fucking words that don't make any sense whatsoever. No matter what you say, there's no right or wrong, there's no left or right, there's no black or white. Everything's muddled, doesn't make sense anymore. Don't know what I'm doing, don't know where I'm turning, don't even know what I'm thinking anymore.
How did things go so wrong? They were right, everything was right. Happy. Bright. Worth living for. But something happened, and even though you can't put a name to it...it still went wrong. Everything's changed. Nothing to change it back to the way it was before. And why should we? A waste of fucking time, that's what it was. I tell myself that all the time, but why can't I believe it? Because it's not right, it's not truthful.
I rememeber. I remember so many fucking things, and they won't leave my mind. I remember the first night, laying next to you, feeling your breath against my neck. Feeling your arm around me. The feeling that everything was how it was supposed to be. Meant to be. Fated. Whatever. The next night was the same. The night after that was the same. It was all the same. Smell of you, feel of you, presence of you. All around me. Still there.
Such a stupid mistake. How could you? There was no reason for it. You were smarter than that. You knew better. Hadn't you learned from the first time? Didn't I tell you? No, there was a lot that I never told you. Words that I never said. Words are useless. They would have done no good. If you would have known that I had loved you, would you have done the same thing? Would you have ignored what I said?
Standing there was hard. You were there, but gone. Just a shell of who you used to be. Fight back the tears. Blink them back. Professionalism, that's what I had to show. Take into hand what made you disappear. Pretend that it was just another day. But it wasn't just another day. How could I possibly put that into words? And I lied. I made it seem like you had nothing to do with it. No, never made another mistake like that first one. Couldn't let your reputation, your memory, be tarnished like that.
Went to your place and cried. Let the tears fall. Expected to have your arms around me, to have you hold me, to calm me while I was out of control. But you weren't there. Not anymore. Gone. Everything gone. You're gone. Disappeared. I'm left with nothing. Empty, hollow, whatever you want to call it. But you can't call it anything now. Where's the stoicism that I need. The sarcasm, the bluntness...the comfort. Not there now.
Maybe it's not back where we started. Because at least then, I could count on hearing your voice, seeing your face, the occasional brush of an arm or hand against mind. No more tingles. Don't feel anything. Cold. I'm so cold. A cold that can't be fixed with a cup of tea and a blanket. And it hurts, damn it.
Fuck it.