it feels so good to just give up.
my old friends from high school are pasing me by. their lives have become so rich and full of meaningful things. they have grown temendously in the past few years. me, i have not made tracks. i am still in the same space, the same mindframe...daydreaming about being someone else.
the job has become too much for me. i haven't officially began yet but i won't make it once i start. i know this. so i plan to give up after i get maybe one more paycheck. i must be doing something i enjoy in order for me to stay up and stay mind fit. the only problem is doing something you enjoy vs earning enough money to feed yourself. but i cannot be more miserable than i already am. this job will push me to the brink and i will just have to run away.
i thought about how useless i am right now. i serve no purpose in this world. the least i could do would be to enjoy my life, but i'm not even doing that so at this point i am taking up space and wasting the worlds precious time. i pushed myself away from the person i was beginning to like. i have never felt so so alone in my life. so unhappy. this would be more easy to swallow if i were..lets say, in my 40s. but i'm so young and the simple, simple dream i am after is so so impossible. so impossible. i wonder where i will be in a month from now. i wonder if i will just go into escapist mode and escape. i wonder if i will just die.