(no subject)
Yesterday was wonderful.
-i got to spend time with evan and his mom, when we went to go get evan's eyes checked. i got to talk to his mom for a while, which was fun, and then evan and me walked around the mall. evan was pretty tired, so he didn't seem... all there. ah, well. it was enjoyable nonetheless. then we picked up colin and went to eat at a sushi place. yay for chicken teriyaki and california rolls. =)
Last night was quite possibly the worst night of my life.
-i had to babysit two boys.
-one's three.
-the other is five.
-they're fucking brats.
-they're family is poor.
-i watched them for five hours.
-mo failed to mention the fee i was babysitting for. said she'd "already negotiated".
-i got five dollars. five FUCKING dollars, for watching their fucking kids who don't know how to behave in the slightest and barely listened to a damn word i fucking said, and i went through so much shit just to keep them quiet so my dad could sleep, and i got FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS. i'm lucky i even got that. i was originally only supposed to get a pack of cigarettes. that's it. but they forgot to go to the store. i was so pissed... mo told them that they'd only have to give me a pack of cigarettes, while they went out and had a great fucking time at the rollaway for five hours. i didn't go skating with them, like i could have, so i stayed home and watched their fucking kids. AND NOT EVEN AT THIER HOUSE. at MY house. UGH. goddammit. i'm STILL in a bad fucking mood from that.
Today was okay.
-after yesterday, i decided to spend the entirety of my day stoned out of my mind. because i didn't want to deal with anything.
-slept for most of the day, and had a really trippy time, too.
-went to get a christmas tree. it's nice.
-katie, jordan, and evan came over. we didn't do anything but hang out... jordan pissed off katie, katie left and went to zach's house, she came back, me and her went to 7-11, came back, gave out the stuff we got. evan was completely distracted pretty much the entire time.
since i really kinda doubt he's ever going to see this, unfortunately, i'll just say what i have to say about it all. if it's not sex, it's something else. we rarely just cuddle and talk, unless it's right before or right after sex, and most of the time he's glued to either the television or a video game or someone else. unless there's the possibility of sex. and then it's just that: sex. there's no taking time and exploring things anymore, it's just... get undressed, grab a condom, and go. and then maybe five minutes of just laying there, before it's magically time to get up and put our clothes back on. and then we go out of my room, and do something else, and i barely exist for more then a few minutes... when it's the commercials. i just... i just wish it was more then that. i wish he would just be totally into me, just for one day. and not just sex, either. just... i don't know. i don't know what i'm talking about. i'm rambling, and i'm frustrated, and i'm tired, and i'm really sad, and i should probably stop crying before my brother comes back in here. i hate crying. it makes my cheeks burn.
maybe i'm just being paranoid.
but what i was talking about, in my last post?
that fear, that doubt, that confusion?
yeah, that's back. it didn't go away.
it's back... tenfold.
and i'm sad.
i'm really sad.
i dunno.
it'll go away in the morning.
everything's always better in the morning.
i don't need to think about this.
i don't want to think about this anymore.
='(
-i got to spend time with evan and his mom, when we went to go get evan's eyes checked. i got to talk to his mom for a while, which was fun, and then evan and me walked around the mall. evan was pretty tired, so he didn't seem... all there. ah, well. it was enjoyable nonetheless. then we picked up colin and went to eat at a sushi place. yay for chicken teriyaki and california rolls. =)
Last night was quite possibly the worst night of my life.
-i had to babysit two boys.
-one's three.
-the other is five.
-they're fucking brats.
-they're family is poor.
-i watched them for five hours.
-mo failed to mention the fee i was babysitting for. said she'd "already negotiated".
-i got five dollars. five FUCKING dollars, for watching their fucking kids who don't know how to behave in the slightest and barely listened to a damn word i fucking said, and i went through so much shit just to keep them quiet so my dad could sleep, and i got FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS. i'm lucky i even got that. i was originally only supposed to get a pack of cigarettes. that's it. but they forgot to go to the store. i was so pissed... mo told them that they'd only have to give me a pack of cigarettes, while they went out and had a great fucking time at the rollaway for five hours. i didn't go skating with them, like i could have, so i stayed home and watched their fucking kids. AND NOT EVEN AT THIER HOUSE. at MY house. UGH. goddammit. i'm STILL in a bad fucking mood from that.
Today was okay.
-after yesterday, i decided to spend the entirety of my day stoned out of my mind. because i didn't want to deal with anything.
-slept for most of the day, and had a really trippy time, too.
-went to get a christmas tree. it's nice.
-katie, jordan, and evan came over. we didn't do anything but hang out... jordan pissed off katie, katie left and went to zach's house, she came back, me and her went to 7-11, came back, gave out the stuff we got. evan was completely distracted pretty much the entire time.
since i really kinda doubt he's ever going to see this, unfortunately, i'll just say what i have to say about it all. if it's not sex, it's something else. we rarely just cuddle and talk, unless it's right before or right after sex, and most of the time he's glued to either the television or a video game or someone else. unless there's the possibility of sex. and then it's just that: sex. there's no taking time and exploring things anymore, it's just... get undressed, grab a condom, and go. and then maybe five minutes of just laying there, before it's magically time to get up and put our clothes back on. and then we go out of my room, and do something else, and i barely exist for more then a few minutes... when it's the commercials. i just... i just wish it was more then that. i wish he would just be totally into me, just for one day. and not just sex, either. just... i don't know. i don't know what i'm talking about. i'm rambling, and i'm frustrated, and i'm tired, and i'm really sad, and i should probably stop crying before my brother comes back in here. i hate crying. it makes my cheeks burn.
maybe i'm just being paranoid.
but what i was talking about, in my last post?
that fear, that doubt, that confusion?
yeah, that's back. it didn't go away.
it's back... tenfold.
and i'm sad.
i'm really sad.
i dunno.
it'll go away in the morning.
everything's always better in the morning.
i don't need to think about this.
i don't want to think about this anymore.
='(