I can't live.
I was sleeping a few nights back and I awoke with the thought that really stunned me. Most would find this to be something I should have come to terms with already. In light of what Mein Geschätzt and I have been through since July 13, 2001, when Al took his own life, it is personally very perplexing that it just sank in. I cannot live without her.
I knew that I wouldn't like to live without her. I knew that when she goes to school, I'll have to work in order to occupy my time. But I sat bolt upright, just stunned. How is it that I never really thought about life without her entirely? I don't really think that when she lives on her own, even thousands of miles away, that she will be gone. I have been raising her to fly, even soar when she is ready. But what if?
I believe that Meine Tochter has seen enough of the effects of suicide, that she wont do that. We all wish Al and Ryan had gotten through their issues and lived to build and realize their dreams. But it might be an accident, or some other circumstance best left unexplored at present, but that thought, of not having her is really bothering me now. I keep hearing a song called "I can't Live, if Living is Without You", it seems thirty times a day.
I don't think I'm overdramatizing. I think that my dream that night was my psyche working on this fear. I accepted already that it would be tough, but now I know it would be impossible. She really is my life. Certainly I have done other things. I'm a published author, I am a great teacher, and aside from Dad, I have a terrific family. I also believe that we have an absolute right to end our own lives for certain reasons. I get up for her, I go to therapy for her. I take my meds for her. She has been a very good beacon for me when the outside world went dark on me.
I wasn't going to write about this. I can't shut it out now though. I still feel that anguish I felt waking from that dream. You know, Al's parents and Ryan's parents hadn't tried to process the deaths of their children until it was upon them. That must have hit them so hard and fast, but it keeps on hitting too. Whenever we think, Al would have liked this book, or he would have liked learning a song on the guitar, it hits us again. He will never grow up. Now I can feel that "quick but dead" feeling. Maybe I dreamt she was gone. I don't remember the dream.
Well, that's what I've been up to. How about you guys?
I knew that I wouldn't like to live without her. I knew that when she goes to school, I'll have to work in order to occupy my time. But I sat bolt upright, just stunned. How is it that I never really thought about life without her entirely? I don't really think that when she lives on her own, even thousands of miles away, that she will be gone. I have been raising her to fly, even soar when she is ready. But what if?
I believe that Meine Tochter has seen enough of the effects of suicide, that she wont do that. We all wish Al and Ryan had gotten through their issues and lived to build and realize their dreams. But it might be an accident, or some other circumstance best left unexplored at present, but that thought, of not having her is really bothering me now. I keep hearing a song called "I can't Live, if Living is Without You", it seems thirty times a day.
I don't think I'm overdramatizing. I think that my dream that night was my psyche working on this fear. I accepted already that it would be tough, but now I know it would be impossible. She really is my life. Certainly I have done other things. I'm a published author, I am a great teacher, and aside from Dad, I have a terrific family. I also believe that we have an absolute right to end our own lives for certain reasons. I get up for her, I go to therapy for her. I take my meds for her. She has been a very good beacon for me when the outside world went dark on me.
I wasn't going to write about this. I can't shut it out now though. I still feel that anguish I felt waking from that dream. You know, Al's parents and Ryan's parents hadn't tried to process the deaths of their children until it was upon them. That must have hit them so hard and fast, but it keeps on hitting too. Whenever we think, Al would have liked this book, or he would have liked learning a song on the guitar, it hits us again. He will never grow up. Now I can feel that "quick but dead" feeling. Maybe I dreamt she was gone. I don't remember the dream.
Well, that's what I've been up to. How about you guys?