blahddy blah blah blah
I could write this incredibly long overly emo ranting post but I shall spare you all. (All except for Mindy who got to hear it all in IM) My heart is filled with turmoil, and I can't quite explain why. Of course there are the aformentioned issues with certain parental figures. Perhaps it has something to do with my childhood home having been sold. It is just another door closing on a time of innocence and happy memories (and of course a few less than happy ones) I experienced so many firsts there (NO, not that first pervs! hehe) It was always my home, my place of solace and security in whatever emotional storm may overtake me. It later became the place I ran from as well. I remember my nursery with the picture of a clown holding balloons painted on the wall by my uncle, and how my bedroom used to have the most horrendous green shag carpeting when I was little (it made for excellent grass as Barbie's dream house's front yard), the waterbed I had from first grade until freshman year of college, my parents coca cola collection that filled our kitchen and basement, the hallway where my sister once scrawled her name and then blamed it on me (neglecting the fact I was not quite able to crawl let alone scrawl), the person sized playhouse my dad built for me and my sis as kids....so many little things I remember its surreal to think of someone else living there, putting all of their things where ours used to be. Its over. Gone. All of it, the house,and my parent's marriage. There is nothing left but memories and swiftly falling tears. I can't believe its gone. With the loss of my parent's house I feel as though I've lost a bit of security. It isn't as though I ever wanted to return there, especially as both my parents have been living elsewhere for some time now. But it was always sort of nice to know it was there. Just as I returned there after Chris and I broke up. I feel this incessant need for a backup plan, for some sort of security "just in case", a safe place to run to. You always expect your parents to be there for you, and mine really haven't been. Not having either of them attend my graduation was one of the deepest dissapointments of my life, it was something I had worked so hard for, and something they used to be so proud of, yet it all passed by without any real hint of notice. I knwo they have their own problems in abundance, but I really miss the relationship I used to have with my mom. Being able to turn to her when things got rough, to tell her how I was feeling. My first instinct when everything went down with Chris's mom was to call mine. I didn't, she has enough to worry about, and I don't want to be a burden.
Perhaps that is my problem, I fear opening up to people, letting them in and revealing my heart because I hate that vulnerability and I hate feeling like a burden. I called Chris earlier and just hearing his voice I broke down, and he was less than understanding (much of which I figure is because the bitch was probably standing right there)I'm just feeling so intensely frustrated, and lonely and worried. I feel this sense of imminent doom for no particular reason though likely it is because my sense of security has been sold to the highest bidder. I know if things don't work out I'll be completely lost. I'm completely lost right now. I'm uncertain if that is simply because he's been gone and I've been waiting for him for so long, or because I'm so afraid he'll end up leaving me again. Every now and then I'm consumed by worry, and he doesn't understand why I always seem to be prepping myself for another break up.
I'm afraid of losing myself in him and thus ending up losing everything else in the process.
Why do I fear the end when we have such a promising beginning? Things have been going really well, other than today. We are all given to times of dispair and doubt I suppose. Am I doing the right thing? I think so, I hope so. I want this to work more than anything else in the world, and that is what keeps me up at night filled with apprehension. I need to be able to trust in myself, to trust in him, and to trust in us. This is supposed to be our vacation together and I had such high hopes for it, hopefully things will look up and everything will turn out ok. I have to ask myself though if I'm going to be able to stay with someone whom I have such an issue with their family. Briefly I pondered if I should just give his mother what she wants and just leave him. But I can't, and I shouldn't have to. I only pray that she hasn't poisoned his mind and heart over the last couple of days. Its almost 11pm there and he still hasn't called to let me know he's left yet. I don't know if I should wait up for him or not. If I do I might get some, but at the moment I'm not particularly in the mood (yes I know you all thought that wasn't even possible, but get me upset enough and it is) I left him a voice memo on his PDA before this all unfolded, its rather errmmm interesting to say the least. I wonder what he'll think of it *wicked grin* Speaking of voice stuff I should do a phone post while I still have a paid account. Though I've got a bit of a cold so I sound sort of funny right now....maybe sometime soon though. Phone posts are fun except its hard to figure out what to say lol
Perhaps that is my problem, I fear opening up to people, letting them in and revealing my heart because I hate that vulnerability and I hate feeling like a burden. I called Chris earlier and just hearing his voice I broke down, and he was less than understanding (much of which I figure is because the bitch was probably standing right there)I'm just feeling so intensely frustrated, and lonely and worried. I feel this sense of imminent doom for no particular reason though likely it is because my sense of security has been sold to the highest bidder. I know if things don't work out I'll be completely lost. I'm completely lost right now. I'm uncertain if that is simply because he's been gone and I've been waiting for him for so long, or because I'm so afraid he'll end up leaving me again. Every now and then I'm consumed by worry, and he doesn't understand why I always seem to be prepping myself for another break up.
I'm afraid of losing myself in him and thus ending up losing everything else in the process.
Why do I fear the end when we have such a promising beginning? Things have been going really well, other than today. We are all given to times of dispair and doubt I suppose. Am I doing the right thing? I think so, I hope so. I want this to work more than anything else in the world, and that is what keeps me up at night filled with apprehension. I need to be able to trust in myself, to trust in him, and to trust in us. This is supposed to be our vacation together and I had such high hopes for it, hopefully things will look up and everything will turn out ok. I have to ask myself though if I'm going to be able to stay with someone whom I have such an issue with their family. Briefly I pondered if I should just give his mother what she wants and just leave him. But I can't, and I shouldn't have to. I only pray that she hasn't poisoned his mind and heart over the last couple of days. Its almost 11pm there and he still hasn't called to let me know he's left yet. I don't know if I should wait up for him or not. If I do I might get some, but at the moment I'm not particularly in the mood (yes I know you all thought that wasn't even possible, but get me upset enough and it is) I left him a voice memo on his PDA before this all unfolded, its rather errmmm interesting to say the least. I wonder what he'll think of it *wicked grin* Speaking of voice stuff I should do a phone post while I still have a paid account. Though I've got a bit of a cold so I sound sort of funny right now....maybe sometime soon though. Phone posts are fun except its hard to figure out what to say lol