Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole

[unstuck]

He shifted his weight. He laid there slightly on his side, but his face was burried in the cream colored carpet. She sat on her knees, staring at his back. Silence passed in little eternities. After awhile, she became aware of the the slightest noises. The tocking of the clock. The subtle shifting of life in the night. The human rise and fall. It

Comments

[wolfiehowling]

How are you at taking constructive criticism? :P

[it_seems_so]

Good.

This. Is total utter shit. I know. It's completely forced. But tell me why it sucks. :D

[wolfiehowling]

It doesn't suck. I actually enjoyed it. There are just a couple things here and there that need tinkering.

More eternity passed? So only some eternity passed before and now even more did? I see what you're saying but something like "An eternity passed" would make more sense. In the literal sense, eternity can only pass once really. You're obviously not meaning it literally but it's better to fit the word better, if that makes sense.

And when you're narrating in the third person, it's better to be as formal as possible. In my style of writing at least, when I write something in the first person, I bend the rules a little and write informally. So I'd edit all your stuff that's used in the second person. "You," "you're," etc. should only be used in dialogue.