flaws and buried thoughts
I know that I need one of these entries more than anything but I can't even fathom where to begin. Please excuse the mess that will follow. It will most definitely be out of chronological order and seem nothing short of a hodge podge of random thoughts.
Where did the last 4 years go? I can't stop wondering what I am going to do with college. I know that by now I can go to school for next to nothing but I'm not so sure where I want to start. I know that I'm not going to live here forever and that I would like to move to some 3rd world country (perhaps somewhere in Africa or the middle east) and help in anyway I can. I don't feel as if I can help this country in any sort of way. After seeing the endless cycle of homeless people who refuse to help themselves in a city thriving with endless amounts of jobs; I've come to realize that there are people in other parts of the world that can't help themselves but would if they were given the chance. That is how I came to that conclusion. I've juggled with the options that I have and would enjoy any of them, whether it be working for an embassy or being a helping hand fighting aids or building schools/hospitals.
Then I realize that if I do that I would never be able to raise any children of my own. I want, more than anything, to have kids some day. The more I feel that "cloud nine" feeling of holding a child that smiles from ear to ear for the simplest of things, the more I want that very same thing in a child of my own.
But, how did I end up in a relationship with a girl that refuses to have kids? Ugh...everything is great otherwise but I know that I would never marry her or come close to taking this relationship any farther just for the simple fact that she can't stand the thought of having kids. What is worse is that I feel terrible for feeling that way. A great girl comes along that meshes so well with my ridiculous personality and I can't seem to connect with her because of one difference that we have. Which ultimately leads me back to the thought that I am never going to find a girl that makes me feel complete enough to keep her in my life long enough to have kids with and I should just go to a 3rd world country and treat as many kids without families like my own. Give them the care that I would give to my own kids.
I think about all of this and wonder "how the fuck did I make it this far in life?". I am more indecisive and unsure of myself, than a dog chasing it's tail.
I was just offered a job that is pretty great. For being only a High School graduate it's actually pretty fantastic. Great benefits; better money than I ever thought that I could make; weekends off; great advancement opportunities; tuition reimbursement to move up in the company; etc. Yet, I know that I am not going to put that extra effort into actually starting school because I am STILL afraid of making the wrong decision. Being out of school this long, you would think that I would have a crystal clear outlook on what I want to do. Well, I don't. Political Science has always been my plan. However, I can't even write a livejournal entry with comma's in the correct places. How am I suppose to write a proposal on urban development for a government board of officials? Then I think well I love Math..."yea, lets do something involving Math." But that leads away from my ultimate plan of moving out of this country or building enough money to actually make a difference in that 3rd world country.
Fuck. I do not want to be a security guard for the rest of my life.
I have so many collective thoughts and no one to talk to them about anymore. I have found some really great friends...but none of them can provide me with a relative bit of insight. It's always "don't worry about it" or "don't you think your ideas are bit extreme"
Granted ...my ideas are absolutely extreme and I know that, but I don't care.
Fuck. Now I'm complaining about my friends.
I tried to call my grandma...she changed her number. Same with my aunt and uncle. I even searched the internet for some sort of idea where they could have moved to. Maybe a listing or a job situation...no such luck. I really am never going to see them again. My plan was to leave my grandma a voicemail with my address and if she wanted to talk to me she would call me back or send me something in the mail. I had this crazy dream that we could be secret pen-pals or something of that nature... so she could hide the fact that she was talking to me so she wouldn't be ridiculed by my aunt and uncle. I had a really elaborate scheme planned out and all. I desperately just wanted to keep her in my life even if it was in the slimmest of ways. Eh...what can you do? I know, where ever she may be, that she knows I'm still truckin'.
I got a half sleeve when I went back to Detroit for Thanksgiving. I like it alot. It means alot to me too. It's only the outline as of right now. I really cannot wait to see the finished product.
I really want to get rid of everything I own. Well, everything except my books and stereo. I want to get a record player as well. I sound like a stoner lol. I just feel as if everything in my apartment is just taking up space. I never use anything in there except my stereo and my books. Without all that stuff I would have so much room to spread out or to do jumping jacks. Who doesn't love jumping jacks?
I hate the cold!
Where did the last 4 years go? I can't stop wondering what I am going to do with college. I know that by now I can go to school for next to nothing but I'm not so sure where I want to start. I know that I'm not going to live here forever and that I would like to move to some 3rd world country (perhaps somewhere in Africa or the middle east) and help in anyway I can. I don't feel as if I can help this country in any sort of way. After seeing the endless cycle of homeless people who refuse to help themselves in a city thriving with endless amounts of jobs; I've come to realize that there are people in other parts of the world that can't help themselves but would if they were given the chance. That is how I came to that conclusion. I've juggled with the options that I have and would enjoy any of them, whether it be working for an embassy or being a helping hand fighting aids or building schools/hospitals.
Then I realize that if I do that I would never be able to raise any children of my own. I want, more than anything, to have kids some day. The more I feel that "cloud nine" feeling of holding a child that smiles from ear to ear for the simplest of things, the more I want that very same thing in a child of my own.
But, how did I end up in a relationship with a girl that refuses to have kids? Ugh...everything is great otherwise but I know that I would never marry her or come close to taking this relationship any farther just for the simple fact that she can't stand the thought of having kids. What is worse is that I feel terrible for feeling that way. A great girl comes along that meshes so well with my ridiculous personality and I can't seem to connect with her because of one difference that we have. Which ultimately leads me back to the thought that I am never going to find a girl that makes me feel complete enough to keep her in my life long enough to have kids with and I should just go to a 3rd world country and treat as many kids without families like my own. Give them the care that I would give to my own kids.
I think about all of this and wonder "how the fuck did I make it this far in life?". I am more indecisive and unsure of myself, than a dog chasing it's tail.
I was just offered a job that is pretty great. For being only a High School graduate it's actually pretty fantastic. Great benefits; better money than I ever thought that I could make; weekends off; great advancement opportunities; tuition reimbursement to move up in the company; etc. Yet, I know that I am not going to put that extra effort into actually starting school because I am STILL afraid of making the wrong decision. Being out of school this long, you would think that I would have a crystal clear outlook on what I want to do. Well, I don't. Political Science has always been my plan. However, I can't even write a livejournal entry with comma's in the correct places. How am I suppose to write a proposal on urban development for a government board of officials? Then I think well I love Math..."yea, lets do something involving Math." But that leads away from my ultimate plan of moving out of this country or building enough money to actually make a difference in that 3rd world country.
Fuck. I do not want to be a security guard for the rest of my life.
I have so many collective thoughts and no one to talk to them about anymore. I have found some really great friends...but none of them can provide me with a relative bit of insight. It's always "don't worry about it" or "don't you think your ideas are bit extreme"
Granted ...my ideas are absolutely extreme and I know that, but I don't care.
Fuck. Now I'm complaining about my friends.
I tried to call my grandma...she changed her number. Same with my aunt and uncle. I even searched the internet for some sort of idea where they could have moved to. Maybe a listing or a job situation...no such luck. I really am never going to see them again. My plan was to leave my grandma a voicemail with my address and if she wanted to talk to me she would call me back or send me something in the mail. I had this crazy dream that we could be secret pen-pals or something of that nature... so she could hide the fact that she was talking to me so she wouldn't be ridiculed by my aunt and uncle. I had a really elaborate scheme planned out and all. I desperately just wanted to keep her in my life even if it was in the slimmest of ways. Eh...what can you do? I know, where ever she may be, that she knows I'm still truckin'.
I got a half sleeve when I went back to Detroit for Thanksgiving. I like it alot. It means alot to me too. It's only the outline as of right now. I really cannot wait to see the finished product.
I really want to get rid of everything I own. Well, everything except my books and stereo. I want to get a record player as well. I sound like a stoner lol. I just feel as if everything in my apartment is just taking up space. I never use anything in there except my stereo and my books. Without all that stuff I would have so much room to spread out or to do jumping jacks. Who doesn't love jumping jacks?
I hate the cold!