LJ Idol Topic 12
"My Most Annoying Personality Trait"
Last semester I got straight A's. Glorious, glorious straight A's. I worked hard, even though the classes were easy, and didn't let myself slack off. It was a great start to college, I assure you. When I signed up for second semester classes, I laid it on pretty heavy, knowing that if I concentrated I could pull off an even more fulfilling semester.
Then I fell in love. Again.
Do you know how many classes I've missed because of that? On the phone with him until past midnight, pining, clinging, wishing he was here with me; hanging up and squeezing shut everything so I don't cry and staying up until past 3:00am tossing and turning, getting up and going to my computer and mindnumbingly checking the same sites over and over with no changes anywhere.
I once read that there are striking similarities in brain scans between infatuated people and people with extreme OCD. I'm the reason I believe it.
My roommate Bri doesn't fall in love like I do. We've talked about our relationships -- she's had several casual flings, hook-ups; nothing slutty, but she knows how to date and judge and get on with her life without being held down. I don't think she's wrong... I kind of envy her, actually.
Because when I fall in love it's throwing myself blindly off a cliff, smiling too wide and letting the wind sweep me away far too carelessly. I keep picking higher and higher bluffs to project myself off of, and I keep smashing to pieces when I land. Gravity does that.
Every time I fall in love, it's permanent. It's for keeps. It's the eternal, life-long, I'll-never-love-anyone-as-much-as-you love. Every time it's sincere...I'm not melodramatic or a liar, I just feel so much. It hurts to know it might never be really true.
Remember my entry about Kit? That's why I call myself "clingy." That's why I preface every affectionate action with at least a semi-conscious "Oh god, I'm being too clingy." I pushed Kit away with it. Who cares if it was partially him being repellant and not opening up enough? I was too clingy. I ruined it. It was me. I fucking give my entire sense of being up to some guy, some silly, nerdy creature. For what? A nice feeling, every now and then. A little affection in return, if I'm lucky.
Lucky? Oh, I am lucky. Besides Kit, everyone who has agreed to date me has reciprocated appropriately. Problem? I don't want just that! Smother me, beat me senseless with how selfishly you want me, call me when I'm sleeping or in class or in the bathroom, send me pointless things on a whim, make promises we both know you can't keep! Drown me in it! Make me feel like I'm not the only one capable of this! I'm screaming that I love you, screaming and screaming...
Don't love me too. Just love me.
I'm begging...
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By the way, this entry isn't a direct reflection of how I feel right now -- my boyfriend Andrew is actually very, very good at being just as clingy as I am, and I couldn't be happier. It is, in many ways, how I noticed that's what I wanted all along...
This is for LJ Idol. Come back tomorrow to vote, please.
Last semester I got straight A's. Glorious, glorious straight A's. I worked hard, even though the classes were easy, and didn't let myself slack off. It was a great start to college, I assure you. When I signed up for second semester classes, I laid it on pretty heavy, knowing that if I concentrated I could pull off an even more fulfilling semester.
Then I fell in love. Again.
Do you know how many classes I've missed because of that? On the phone with him until past midnight, pining, clinging, wishing he was here with me; hanging up and squeezing shut everything so I don't cry and staying up until past 3:00am tossing and turning, getting up and going to my computer and mindnumbingly checking the same sites over and over with no changes anywhere.
I once read that there are striking similarities in brain scans between infatuated people and people with extreme OCD. I'm the reason I believe it.
My roommate Bri doesn't fall in love like I do. We've talked about our relationships -- she's had several casual flings, hook-ups; nothing slutty, but she knows how to date and judge and get on with her life without being held down. I don't think she's wrong... I kind of envy her, actually.
Because when I fall in love it's throwing myself blindly off a cliff, smiling too wide and letting the wind sweep me away far too carelessly. I keep picking higher and higher bluffs to project myself off of, and I keep smashing to pieces when I land. Gravity does that.
Every time I fall in love, it's permanent. It's for keeps. It's the eternal, life-long, I'll-never-love-anyone-as-much-as-you love. Every time it's sincere...I'm not melodramatic or a liar, I just feel so much. It hurts to know it might never be really true.
Remember my entry about Kit? That's why I call myself "clingy." That's why I preface every affectionate action with at least a semi-conscious "Oh god, I'm being too clingy." I pushed Kit away with it. Who cares if it was partially him being repellant and not opening up enough? I was too clingy. I ruined it. It was me. I fucking give my entire sense of being up to some guy, some silly, nerdy creature. For what? A nice feeling, every now and then. A little affection in return, if I'm lucky.
Lucky? Oh, I am lucky. Besides Kit, everyone who has agreed to date me has reciprocated appropriately. Problem? I don't want just that! Smother me, beat me senseless with how selfishly you want me, call me when I'm sleeping or in class or in the bathroom, send me pointless things on a whim, make promises we both know you can't keep! Drown me in it! Make me feel like I'm not the only one capable of this! I'm screaming that I love you, screaming and screaming...
Don't love me too. Just love me.
I'm begging...
---------------------
By the way, this entry isn't a direct reflection of how I feel right now -- my boyfriend Andrew is actually very, very good at being just as clingy as I am, and I couldn't be happier. It is, in many ways, how I noticed that's what I wanted all along...
This is for LJ Idol. Come back tomorrow to vote, please.